"Try Again"

What would you do
To get to me
What would you say
To have your way
Would you give up
Or try again
If I hesitate
To let you win
Or would you be yourself
Or play your role
Tell all the boys
Or keep it low
If I say no
Would you turn away
Or play me off
Or would you stay

[Chorus]
If at first you don't succeed
Dust yourself off and try it again
You can dust it off and try it again

If at first you don't succeed
Dust yourself off and try it again
You can dust it off and try it again

I'm into you,
You into me
But I cant let it go
So easily
Not 'til I see
What this could be
Be eternity
Or just a week
You know, our chemistry
Is off the chain
Is perfect now
But will it change
This aint a yes
This aint a no
Just do your thang
We'll see how it goes...ohhh

If at first you don't succeed
Dust yourself off and try it again
You can dust it off and try it again

If at first you don't succeed
Dust yourself off and try it again
You can dust it off and try it again

[Hook]
If you dont wanna throw it all away
Might be shy on the first date
What about the next date
huh, huh, huh, huh

If you dont wanna throw it all away
You might be buggin' on the first date
But what about the next date
um, um, um, um

If at first you don't succeed
Dust yourself off and try it again
You can dust it off and try it again

If at first you don't succeed
Dust yourself off and try it again
You can dust it off and try it again

- Aaliyah.

When i first heard this song probably back in 2000, I was completely in awe of it.
It was like nothing I had ever heard before, it was cutting edge, dark and modern. The video clip was slick, and Aaliyah was like this leather clad- biker-gothic- vixen.
Aaliyah's smooth and gentle vocals just flowed over the top of the beats and jagged loops, and I was completely in love with the song and Aaliyah's presence on the screen held me entranced. And the song was dark, it didn't have this poppy bright destiny's child feel about it, it was almost like a ballad, but it almost wasn't because it was something else entirely. Everytime I watched that video I could hear every pop and sqeak, I could see the production I could see Aaliyah's music in my head. This song just set the bar for 2000 and for r&b and Hip-hop music. And I can remember waiting for the music to get better, I was waiting for this stuff to go completely maistream, because it was so good and so refreshing compared to other music at the time. And I remember being very fustrated with music, because it was taking too long to reach this perfection, that was 'try again'. Thank god for artists like Kelis, and N.E.R.D and Missy E and Timberland (otherwise i'd have gone insane a long time ago) - and all the best artists are producers these days too :)
Of course, 'Try again' was the first Aaliyah song I hade ever heard, and sent me on a frantic search for the rest of her music, because in my mind it had to be as good. And I wasn't at all dissapointed with it. Her music stuck a chord with me, and watching her on the screen in her videos, in 'romeo must die' just made being a fan of her's worthwhile. It's funny how u could never be dissapointed with her work, i know Queen of the Damned was a pretty crap movie, but Aaliyah made it decent, and vamped up every scene she was in. Even if that only amounted to about 15 minutes of screen time.
Getting back to the song, 'Try again' has to be my all time favourite song. I can never get tired of it, i can still listen to it and love it the way I did when I first heard it. So for all of u who don't have it, just listen to it, let it take u back. it may seem a little 'old skool' for 2000 now, but its still one of the best songs of alllll time.

Real Emotion - Koda Kumi

Ano hi kokoro no kanata ni egaiteta basho ni iru
Toho no kuretetari suru keredo mo modorenai
Yume ni mita katachi to wa nani mo ka mo ga chigau
Genjitsu ni wa memai sae suru

Real na sekai ni yureteru kanjo
Maketakunai
Mo tada hashiru shika nai kono mune ni kikoetekuru
Kimi wa hitori janai

Kessite furimuki wa shinai anata ni wa tayoranai
Nani ka ga areba kanarazu sugu ni kitekureru kara
Ima boku ni dekiru koto sore wa shinjiru koto
Shinjitsu nara kono mune ni aru

Real na sekai ni yureteru kanjo
Sasaeru no wa
So anata ga oshietekureta subete ima no watashi
Dakara hitori janai

Real na sekai ni yureteru kanjo
Kanjitemo
Anata ga me o tojita nara soko ni iru kizuna ga aru
Dakara hitori janai

Real na sekai ni yureteru kanjo
Maketakunai
Mo tada hashiru shika nai kono mune ni kikoetekuru
Kimi wa hitori janai

I may have posted the lyrics to this song b4. i dunno and can't remember if I did. But just a quick blog from me today. I spent four hours on the phone with steve when i should have been writing my essay. of course, i was doing some work today. hopefully i'll have it done by friday. 2,000 words is pretty hard to spit out in one night.
And I'm having trouble getting stuff for my radio essay, i'm thinking that the topic i've choosen isn't such a good one. maybe i'll just stick to the hitz fm or the syn fm topic. but doing interviews mite be hard, i don't think i have the time for them. grr. i wish i could do a really good job on the research for the radio essay, but i know i won't be able to. IF anyone knows anything about a melbourne radio station called 3XY plz, contact me. evesygal@hotmail.com i'd appreciate it.
I freaked out steve on the phone today, told him that not only did i have a fioncee, a girlfriend, a boyfriend(thats steve) - i now have a fuck buddy. LOL. i don't think he appreciated the joke. i thought it was funny.

URggh. nuthing is working for me. DATABASES SUCK. la trobe sucks. everything sucks, i won't be prepared for my thingy tomorrow..grrr. i have to be at uni by 10am. grrr. i should have made it later...but i thought that the morning would give me time. i need my sleep though. friday was supposed to be my sleep day. but it's my 'finish-essay-at-the-last-minute" day.
more from me later *muah*

IT is a grand day in the land of Ev. why you ask? Because, someone out there - in the wide world of websites - has actually updated. And it's made my day :)
But yes, i can now continue my fun online.
I have discovered one thing better than tv, and that is quake. and i mean the game for those few of u who don't know. Quake online is soooooo much fun. OK, so cos i'm a girl, naturally we suck at most video games - but at least i still try to kick some ass. I was playing it with steve this morning, i think its brought us closer together. Quake is like bonding. Steve told me today that i am the coolest gf he's had. probably cos we somehow like almost the same things. Except he likes white chocolate. White chocolate is an abomination in my eyes. Dark chocolate is so smooth, and rich, and melts so perfectly...and i dare to say it, erotic. I have had a one track mind for the past couple of days, but u can't blame me for it. BLAME the dirty dancing, blame the alchol i consumed friday nite, blame TV..and blame quake! or i could just blame steve for it ;)
I think i'll blame steve.

Today i didn't go to uni, i wasn't gonna make myself sit through another hour of pure hell called MEDIA. that is one lecture i'm gonna skip from now on. its just..HELL. pure evil. So instead i've been home, watching episodes of angel series one, and doing my semiotic analysis and talking on the phone with steve. and i played a little FFVII. and watched half a silent movie. it was all good today. But seriously i have to start on the work. i have soo much to do this week. uni work is gonna be the death of me. And i have a tutorial presentation next week. YAYness. urghh..that means i'll be hitting the video store this weekend. whoopee.

good night and bob bless.

ok. at the moment i am sitting with lisa in the computer study hall at latrobe. she is working. and i am doing nothing...as per usual.
these are such lovely computers, with such virgin keyboards...their not shiny enough yet. lol, i like shiny keys. Like my old laptop..where ever he might be...my lappy had the shinest keys around. Everyone always asked me how i wore my keyboard out so much..i just told them 80 chapters, an epilogue and still going. Ahh..i miss my laptop, things used to be so much simpler and easier with it around. maybe not simpler, it was a bitch to fix.
anyway, i'm really not doing much at all. but i just want to go home and eat and watch some tv before i get started on my work. Tomorrow is photocopy morning, yay. i know i know i love being awake at 8:30 am and stuck infront of a photocopier. All those radiation waves must be doing my head some good. *sarcastic voice*

lisa is now making pretty tables in excel for her presentation. personally i think its unfair that they made her put it all together, the poor lis was having major problems with stupid unformatted disks earlier.
I've decided that i hate all my media subjects, and i don't want to go to another media lecture ever ever again. I swear i was scratching my eyes out, and i was hammering my ears in by the end of it. The relief i felt when it was over was amazing. meanwhile today, i saw jon. The whole time he made jokes about me and steve, for the record just i have not seen his hardware yet, and matt and jon were again making fun of the hentai, while jon only realised that i mite like porn for its eroticism. Also I took jon to the library to find some dvds, and he managed to do the creepy-library-stalker-haunting thing while i was browsing the bookcases. When he started to speak after i realised it was time to take that little boy away from the multimedia section and back out into the world of "slices" where he belongs. He's so much safer when he's in a group.
LOL. i'm joking, hanging with Jon is funnnnn. lol.

well lisa is now hungry, and i must admit i am also. but i think a hot chocolate will do for now. I've already eaten bad pasta and a pie today. And i don't want to over do it. plus i so want some hot chips, but i've told myself i must stop consuming them so often, because their really not healthy, despite their...oh so yummy and fried taste....ok i'm off. *MUAH*

I haven't posted for awhile, well i did the other week. But i think i mite have something to say now. not that i didn't before. But i think i'm finally now steps closer to my ultimate goal (which for the sake of my dignity, and self-respecting pride i shall not mention that exact goal here) but yes, it seems like i'm only steps away from it, when actually i'm probably months away. OK none of u are getting what i'm talking about, but thats cool, you don't have to know everything - you just have to know that i'm closer to achieving something good in my life, closer than i've ever been before.
In other news (unrelated of course) i guess you could say that i'm not single anymore. I kinda said goodbye to single life, rather quickly just the other day. And well, i'm not really missing it, but i don't feel any different. I suppose i'm not used to it yet..i mean nothing major has happened. I feel like me and steve (his name is steve - i should have established that earlier..but i didn't), well i feel like at the moment we are just friends with previlages. which is a good thing, considering i'm still getting to know him, but i like him :).
Well we all went to footy yesterday, me, rach, steve and steve. LOL. too many steves. and i had a good time, i didn't think i would have a good time, but surprise surprise i did. It was the Carlton vs. Hawthorn match. We were all on the Carlton side. Hawthorn won, naturally. lol.

These next few weeks are gonna be tough, i have a whole lot of assignments to start, a few to finish. So i'm being kept very busy by uni work. And i hate it. with a passion.
I really do, i have no motivation to do it anymore. maybe cos i chose shite subjects, and now i'm stuck in them and their not as interesting as they could be.
anyway, i'd better do my lastest assignment, it was due last thursday :) cya.

My top five films for the week starting monday the 21st of April:
5. Nightwatch
4. Ben Hur
3. Johnny English
2. Chicago
1. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

My top five songs for the week:
5. Richard X vs. Libery X - Being Nobody
4. Utada Hikaru - Simple and Clean
3. The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
2. Sahara Hotnights - Alright Alright
1. The Starting Line - I'm Real (j.lo cover)

HAPPY EASTER! I hope you've all had a great weekend and stuffed urselves silly with as much chocolate as possible. This year I've been on a hot cross bun binge, cos their just so damn tasty. Well lst week was my birthday. I turned 19, yes i am now older and i certainly feel it in my bones, but as i've said to people, i feel older physically but mentally i've scaled down to the the intelligence of a 14 year old.
Speaking about age, today i let slip that my mom was old and she went off at me. i've made a reminder to self to never speak these words, about my mom to her face ever again, Old, Fat, and bitch. I would say that's her in a nutshell, but just getting her into a nutshell would be a more difficult task. No honestly, she's not that bad, but those three words - i must never say to her face especially when speaking about her, cos i once called her a bitch and it was a fucking nightmare. I hate having to keep my opinions to myself, especially around people who claim to be sensitive, but something just have to be said. Personally I like it when people are honest with me, and if the truth hurts then so be it. But i take it as constructive critism, and thats what i call my "judgements" its all constructive critism - so never take what i say personally. lol. anyway, i saw chicago today for 5 dollars. and it was pretty good. i've been hummming the soundtrack all afternoon since we left the cinema, so its catching.
I went out on thursday night, i don't really want to re-live the nightmare that was thursday, especially the first half of my night, once i got to goo everything sort of began to get better. But my stupid brother, he came along for the drinks, and boy did he ever drink. Everytime i saw him that night - which when we got to goo it wasn't often, but everytime i did see him, he had two beers in his hand. And from what he told me he made friends with alot of nice people in the bathrooms. LOL. I picked up. lol sort of, his name was Mark. he must be the fourth Mark i've met this year. didn't get his number so i'll probably never see him again LOL. i think its a sign. but i dunno we'll see ;) but i have plans that i must put into action soon, but i dunno we'll see what happens.

i'd better go. there is a party on tonite, but i haven't decided if i'm going to it or not. and i have phone calls to make, i want to talk with lisa, i've been wanting to talk to her since thursday - i didn't say all i wanted, so i've still got stuff on my mind i have to get off. i shouldn't keep feelings inside and just brush them off, its funny, when i'm around people i'm fine, but when i'm by myself i get really odd thoughts. ok, they borderline on depressing sometimes but thursday night i hit an all time low. i think meeting that Mark dude was a god send, cos i was certainly sinking into some sort of self depression, or self pity thing. either one.

but while ur all on the net reading this, turn on ur Kazaa and download BEAUTIFUL by snoop dogg feat. Pharrell.

my whole post was lost. LOL. bloooody hell!

i can't be stuffed now. but happy birthday to me. and i've found out that i can dance in heels but not walk in them..thats kinda weird.

my feet are cold. freezing in fact. Thats why later, after this, i am going to go outside and sit on our brand spanking new decking. it looks so inviting, i just have to sit on it and read a book. i keep borrowing all these books and cds, and i'm borrowing things on other people's library cards, so i never know when anything is due back or anything. Its all muddled up. But i have all these books to read, and no time to read them. Well I suppose i could be reading one right now instead of being on the net, or instead of watching tv i could be reading. My dad suggested that to me yesterday, and i just looked back at him in shock. No tv? for me? never, especially on thursday nights? Last nite, from 8pm onwards everything good that was on tv, was on. Scrubs @ 8, then 8.30 the kumars, the comedy gala, and the fast wordward special. Then at 9.30 Will and grace was on, for about two hours, and then Something stupid. That's my thursday nite, tv and more tv.
But today i don't feel like tv, i want to go out for a walk with my dog for once, mite give her a bath first though...urgh. I just fixed the fence. Isn't fixing fences a man's job? lol. there are no men in my household. their all big girls with beards.

hmm..i'm having template problems. i can't find one i like, and i can't make my own damn one..cos i suck with the graphics and with the whole html thing. Its just not my bag baby. so bare with me while over the next few posts when these templates keep changing.
i don't really have much to say today, except its been a weird day, i sound all nazal cos of this damn cold which is still bugging me alittle, i'm very tired at the moment, and i feel like being creative, or going to sleep right now.

I was with lisa, eamon and dan before. Dan is eamon's friend and he's a dude. i like him. It was a nice relaxing afternoon, which was good. i didn't cost me too much, except in alchol. me and lisa went and bought a mudslide shaker. it was yummmmy. but now i have no money. but i'd still like to go out tonite, but for sum reason i think tonite might be spent sleeping again. i could do with the sleep, but i think i function better on less sleep. the more sleep i seem to get, the worse i am.

I'm in a writing mood at the moment, finishing off some fiction, doing a bit of reading. I'm loving the vampire chronicles, i'm up to "queen of the damned" and i'm two pages into it. exciting stuff. i'm so excited about reading it, that i've gone and borrowed the next book "the tale of the body thief". now all i have to do is finish queen of the damned so i can start the next. and i got another buffy video..i'm loving these old episodes, their fantastic.

OK on with the music:
LISTEN to The Starting Line - Best of Me
New Found Glory - My friends over you
Natalie Imbruglia - Beauty on the fire

*yawn* thats about it this post. when i have something worthwhile to add, i shall.

my last blog..didn't really get posted till today (25th) so sorry about that. blogger was being a biatch to me last week. but its been awhile now since I've been doing this blog, and i kinda still wonder if anyone..other than my bestest buddies..still read this? the truth is, i write this blog for myself, and no one else. Just the fact that i have an audience, a small one, but still people do find my little place on the web, and some enjoy this blog, others don't..but i don't care cos this is for me, no one else. I wonder of my audience is angsty teenagers who are sexually fustrated? or perhaps bored geeks sitting at their computers with nothing better to do than read this? maybe my audience is dirty old men..and every time they adjust their pant belts, you know exactly whats on their minds...

anyway, i've been hiding since last saturday. I went out friday nite with lisa, mark and eamon..and while that kicked ass, i had an essay to write - so trying to spend saturday and sunday..preparing my mind for the essay writing was difficult. I actually didn't start writing it up till monday. it was due today. but i'm sick. so fuck it, they can take 2 percent off my mark for each day its late, i don't care anymore. GOLDEN HONOURS KEY CAN KISS MY ASS - ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT - LOL.
Golden honours key thingy is this society thingy where if u do well..as an undergraduate student..they invite you to join them...and pay money..lots of money. Not that much money..but enough. it basically doesn't do much but give u a chance to win scholarships and stuff..my mum thinks i should join it..but i dunno..i'm not exactly honour student or academic material..just cos i didn't fail a subject last year doesn't make me smart.

anyway, i'm sick now. i got sick yesterday. i have a shitty cough. and sore throat..so speaking is difficult..though not impossible. i just don't feel like talking, i guess thats why i'm on the net blogging to my little heart's content. ahh.. my heart is content. meanwhile..buffy is on tv tonite. woohoo..i wanna see spike kill a few ppl..today while i was home sick, i watched dr. strangelove & simply irresistable. ya know..the sarah michelle gellar movie..i now offically own it on video. my bro paid 2 bucks for it..so thats nice. also got a couple of shocking b-grade action films, like Reindeer games (CRAP - BEN AFFLECT SUCKED IN THIS ONE) and NIGHTWATCH..which could be good..but gets the B-grade anyway...and jackie chan's first strike..and i luv jackie chan..he rocks. but his earlier work is his best. but rush hour was pretty funny...

anyway. my head is getting dizzy. more from me later i guess.

I don't want to make any mistakes.

I've figured out exactly why I've been so scared by relationships and the like. I'm a perfectionist in that sense, I like things to go as planned. I like things to be perfect, just the way I invision them. Most of the time, nothing goes right. That's probably why I hate myself 95 percent of the time. Kinda sad though, this is my life, running scared every time someone says they like me, or want more from me. I only want friendship most of the time. I've always believed that friends are more important than boyfriends. That i'd never let a guy come between me and my friends. And as yet, i can say I haven't. Loyalty to friends is more important than chasing after some guy.

I think i'm old fashioned, in my ideas about love and romance. But then again, maybe not. I had a dream the other night, involving the hots boys from 'queer as folk'. now not going into complete detail, but the main idea of that dream was that, someone liked me, and was trying to prove that they were worth my time, worth my friendship, proving to me that it was worth it to take a chance, to risk something. If its fear that's keeping me single, then i want to get over it now.

But the truth about romance, is that there is no such thing. Everything I've read, every film i've seen. Its just not right, its never the same. I think I'm still holding onto my teenage fantasy ideals about what love is, the way people go about romance and love. I loved reading all that, pride and prejudice is a personal classic. Can a girl still find love in her early twenties with a rich, handsome young man? There are no Mr. Darcy's of this world. And while I think having a relationship might be fun or a living hell (i opt for the latter) I still don't know if thats for me or if that is what I really want from another person. I haven't had a serious crush on any one since, 2001, when i was in year 12 and it was the worst thing for me to do, was to have a crush on someone. I've always gone from one crush to the next, from one obsession to the next. And now, i kinda don't have that anymore. When i was young, in kindergarden i had a crush on a boy there, so i kissed another guy on the cheek to make him jealous. didn't really work. Then early primary school I thought that New Kids on the Block were the cutest damn boy band I've ever seen (ever known at the time). Jordan Knight was my god. Then primary school, i had crushes on a number of boys, there was andrew french, ryan, kieran (i sat next to him in grade four, and he mostly talked about sport, but he was nice), then high school rolled around and by year eight I had fallen again into a deep obsession involving all three of the Hanson boys. Taylor was my god for about two and a half years. Then there was the bakery boy, james, tom and carlos then back to tom for two weeks. There, total listing of my crushes throughout highschool. after highschool doesn't count. I may have left a couple out, who knows, but if my own history is this easy to plot out, then i reckon i could predict the rest of my life. I bet it'd go something like, finished university, tried to make it in the real world and failed, and lives till the old age of 91 in a small house with lots of cats.

I almost scared myself this week, while riding the bus to university, it occured to me, that i would be 19 this year. And next year i would turn 20. I swear my heart stopped for a full five seconds. I was overcome with shock, i didn't expect to be so old so soon. The future is ahead of me, and what ever lies ahead, i don't think i want it. Youth is fleeting, and now, youth is becoming my enemy. I guess from here on now..all i have is time. -sigh- boring.

listening material:
Aztek trip - Opportunity
Boomkat - Wasting my time
Taking back Sunday - Your own disaster
The starting line - The best of me
Ultimate Fakebook - forever, forever
Something Corporate - you're gone

did anyone else see david franj perform on GMA last monday? well it rocked. and only prooves further what a hottie david franj is...my oh my. mmhmm.
anyway, just reading msn at the moment. alot of shit is going down with these assination of the Serberian PM..and now nicole's oscar is threatened by stupid rumours that she supposedly was having an affair with Jude Law. I mean..if the rumours are true - who could blame her, jude law is a hottie. His performance in The talented mr. ripley prooved that! lol. And watching morning tv news is getting depressing, all this talk of war and phone calls to john howard from george bush...makes u wonder what their really talking about..what their really up to these politicans.
To tell the truth, i'm kinda excited about the oscars, but i always get pissed off by the end of them cos they always give the awards to the wrong damn people. I'll admit some of their choices are spot on..but lets just say, Gwenth P. for Shakespear in love? nah uh. that was just wrong.

anyway i gtg to class. bye byes

"God Only Knows" - david franj

Look at the street there's a crack in the window
Draws my attention into the kitchen
I never noticed, I never know why
Waitress is smiling up at the ceiling
She's thinking 'bout some place she'd rather be
Maybe she's restless, maybe I think too much

God only knows if she laughs when she's sleeping
God only knows what she says when she's dreaming
God only knows if she laughs when she's sleeping
I never know why

I catch the rain as it pours through the window
I do my best to make sure that you notice
'Cause I think you're someone who's gonna go places

Now I'm gonna leave before I say something stupid
I write down my number and I draw a little star
So lets run away tonight, into that rain outside

God only knows if she laughs when she's sleeping
God only knows what she says when she's dreaming
God only knows if she laughs when she's sleeping
I never know why

God only knows if she laughs when she's sleeping
God only knows what she says when she's dreaming
God only knows if she laughs when she's sleeping
I never know why

-------------and while ur at it..go download 'Help' recorded by Howie Day------------------------

It seems i'm doomed to be last. I'm forever cursed. I'm forever left with this mean face and honest mouth. Some people think i'm harsh - but i'm bluntly honest..its not my fault if the truth hurts, and it does believe me.

Today while taking the bus home i noticed my wrists. pale, except for the visible blue vein stretching under the light skin. I though about what my wrist would look like with a scar across it, the kind of scar only a blade could make. also today while traveling on the bus, i notice the guy sitting across from me :)
It makes me wonder, what makes me so un appealing to the rest of the population. Why i am always alone, why am i always stuck with being too shy, why i am always lacking the confidence i need to survive, to strike up a conversation with random people on a bus. why is it i became like this, a recluse to most people, invisible? i used to joke about being invisible girl...i guess somehow its turned out a little like that. but its also a little different. I like my friends, lisa and rach are everything. even other people whom i've lost touch with a little over time, they still mean alot to me. I wouldn't be who i am if it wasn't for them. and also, i wouldn't be who i am if it wasn't for the shit i suffered when i was younger. like they say 'what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger'. but thats a lie. i think i became weaker. i think i created different acts, different personas for certain people. I can make myself appear very dumb and very young if i want to. I can also be argumentive and opiniated. I can be the victim or the bully. most of the time i due to my..slow mind, i make myself the target of many jokes, but i don't mind, if i didn't hear it i don't care. I can be loud, or extremely quiet and shy. of course, alchol just throws me out of whack, so i never say no to a drink. but alchol is weird, i either become more talkative, more "daring" or i become quiet and depressed. and i don't want to say i'm an emotional drunk, but i think we've all had our moments. mine happened last year, and i've never touched another tequilla shot.
I used to have people tell me that i was so negative. about what? mostly about myself i guess, and certain things. its not that i am negative, i just see things differently. but i'm always positive and thinking good thoughts and wishes for everyone else. i guess i just kinda dig myself a hole and sit in it, thinking that there's no point surfacing because its shit up there..and not so bad down here. i take whats given to me, and i deal with it. despite my bitterness, my dislike, my stress. there's no such thing as stress. its just a figure of speech i guess. a word to describe something thats more to do with tiredness and the weight of responsibilty than anything else. i don't really stress, i panic. But finally, i wonder why i can't be like other people. why am i clumsy, why am i the one with butter fingers. why am i not graceful, or pretty, or why don't i have a life that is somewhat normal. why is it my normal, isn't the norm. then again, what is normal. define normality, then define reality for me. (and not just cos the two words rhyme). This is the reality of it. there's no explaination for it, for me. but thats just it, the reality is this is me. this is how i interact with people around me, even in my attempts to change how i am, i still would be me. and thats the reality of it. of my situation anyway.

jeff buckley - last goodbye

So which of the bold faced lies will we use?

it's 8:37 am. tuesday morning. at uni. using the lib computers again. and they have these new mointors..and their huge. i feel weird looking up my hotmail and stuff...cos these screens are so huge..everyone can see what ur doing. it almost feels like i'm hanging out my dirty laundry for everyone to see.

i just found something interesting on msn. its alittle media trashy cos its from 60 minutes..but i think its interesting.
moonstruck
plus, its funny. the interviewer is a riot. she's more concerned with the subject being portrayed as insane rather than to go into details about the so called moon landing conspiracy.

I wrote the cover letter last nite. I take back what I said, they don't suck that much. kinda easy really once you know what to write.
Yesterday was labour day, the public holiday for everyone but uni students, which is prettty silly. I didn't end up going to uni, public transport was a bitch, so i stayed home and watched the new austin powers flick "goldmember". its funnier the second time round. plus the dvd special stuff is cool. deleted scenes and out takes kick ass.
I also got a Shane West flick while i was out at the vid store yesterday, "whatever it takes" looks like a shite teen film, but hey. shane west is a hottie.

anyhoo. i got class. cya.

So which of the standard lines will we use?

Well good morning everyone that is awake and living this shitty weathered morning of the 9th of March.
I was out last nite. which was interesting, it was good and it was bad. the espy rocks. that place is great. i liked it.
Well i got home last nite at 2 sumthing i think..not sure. but i couldn't get the damn front door open quietly, i woke up my dog and she started barking and the door was being a bitch, so i had to go round to the back door. thank god for mobile phones, they make great little torches in the dark. and now today i'm in a tired mood, i woke up too early me thinks. And i couldn't find the nutella for breakfast, and tv sucks, and internet sucks, and i have to go to the video store later. i'm just..urghh. in an odd mood today. and right now i'm listening to dashboard confessional. i'm gonna listen to every single damn song of his that i own.
and i have to write a cover letter for a resume..which i have no idea how to do that. cover letters therefore suck.

My dad is going away to new zealand for a month this week. which will be good. cos he will be gone, and the house will be very quiet with just me, my mum and lil sis home. its gonna be even weirder later this year when aubrey goes off to marshmead in term 4. living with just mum and dad..it will be like being an only child...but worse i'm sure. but it's my sisters birthday on the 16th. everyone has their birthday in march. maybe i shall make a list of people having their birthday this month..Happy birthday to leanne for the 8th of march. I sent her an e-mail wishing her happy b'day..but i haven't heard or spoken to her in aggggeeeessss. its been sooo long.
Nat has her birthday on the 21st. and if i dare mention it...taylor hanson's birthday is on the...14th of march i believe...and i think amy mite be having a birthday soon aswell. but i could be wrong about that one...i can't remember. but i still have to wait..about a month till my b'day. i can already tell, 19 is gonna suck. why..cos 18 sucked. and 17 sucked worse. and every birthday has been shite. i'm just doomed i guess. 17 was the worst age, cos i was past 16 and i was ready to be 18..but i was still stuck in a mess of shitty angsty teen emotions which led me astray too many times. 17 was a shit age.

The places you have come to fear the most

(this was written previously - and may be edited from what i originally wrote down)

Thursday 6th March 2003
third day of uni
9:45am
In room HU2 122
Waiting for radio theory class to begin
Situation: I'm early. too early.
Thoughts: Well at least I found the room.
Three hours of this - 2 hour break. or 3 hours break?
Then two hours of media @ 3pm. Then home. yay.
I think there might be a few third year students in this class, but god willing I won't feel "too young".
looking at my nails now...the polish is all chipped and worn away.
{end}

Well this morning was eventful. I had class. it was long. interesting. But it looks like i'm in for a hard year. lots of research. so much i'll be knee deep in books and papers and essays. i hate paper cuts.
Anyway. after my morning class, i had my break then met up wit lisa and went along to her biology lecture where i took notes for her. that was fun. and informative. I was learning about cells. and i saw her chickens. live baby chics. and ever since then i've been thinking about eating chicken nuggets.

Musically speaking:
HOWIE DAY - Ghost + Sorry, So Sorry
BOOMKAT - Wasting my time

Hi my name is Job-less evelyn. I've never had a job that's lasted longer than two weeks. I have experience in retail, communications, and customer service. I am in dire need of training for any job i apply for.

Its funny how so many jobs are advertised, and even though you don't need a whole lot of experience to do the job - they still want someone with experience. How the hell am I supposed to get experience when no one will give me the chance to get the experience. See what happens when you spend high school studying instead of working?
I can't even get a job at some cafe's beacause i don't have enough experience to take orders on a pad, or serve a customer their coffee. It doesn't sound that difficult. I can handle stress, i can handle standing up on my feet for four hours on end. I won't like the standing up bit, but i'll do it as long as I get paid.
And what's wrong with employers? they don't have the courtsey to call back and say thanks for the resume, but no thanks? Is that too much to ask for? Just a little confirmation that my resume experience sucks. Even if i gave in a five page resume i'd still get told I didn't have enough long term experience or whatever they like to say.
But being a university student, and looking for a job that can fit around my schedual can be hard, but its not impossible. I mean, i'm an art's student for heaven's sake! We're the biggest bludges of the lot! All i could want is just one little break, one little chance to proove myself. but even that seems like i'm asking too much.

anyway - i recently opened a new e-mail account for professional purposes (i signed up with monster.com.au - i don't want job e-mails getting mixed up with adult porn junk or chain letters), and on msn they have this sign up for newsletters thingy before you go into ur account for the first time. So i thought, well i'm single and all i'll be doing is reading the advice colums in these e-mails- so i signed up for the lavalife newsletter. And I found something interesting, and relevant to current situations that i've been placed in of late.
here is something from that e-mail,
"Obviously, you're going to have your best experiences with the partners you find most attractive...don't feel pressured by your friends to get interested in someone they think is attractive. If you don't agree, it's sure to backfire. Attractiveness is a highly personal thing. Everyone's entitled to an opinion, but in the end, the deciding vote goes to you. " quoted by Dr. Irvin Wolkoff .

I agree with that, thats probably another reason why i don't always like people trying to push me into sumthing i'm not comfortable with. I believe that for me to like someone, i have to feel physically attracted to them also, not just like them. I have to feel like there is that attraction between the two of us. I'll admit, this attraction i talk about has perhaps only happened...three times. Of course, i'm an idiot and let each one of them slip away. ok. it was all for the best then, but now if i find someone that i'm attracted to, the way i was to those past "interests" of mine, i'm not gonna give up that easily. But for awhile i haven't met anyone i'm really attracted to..or anyone I really like. Its good that i'm meeting people again, but there's no one i'm interested in. i guess thats just the way it goes. when your looking for "it" you'll never find it..but when your not looking for it..it finds you. damn one day those words will turn on me and bite me on the bum.

time and date: 10:47 pm 16th of Feb 2003.
listen: anything

its oh so quiet: I never used to be one of those people who could sleep all day. I've always been an early riser, mostly out of habit. But I like the mornings when i'm not feeling like shit, or the ones when i don't feel as tired. But while sleep is good and all, I also like the staying up late, and getting to sleep at 5-6ish am then waking up around 9:30-10am. that's always fun. Then when i wake up i feel like a zombie, or like i have a cold in the hed, and i'm about to drop any second and sleep where ever i land.
This morning was different, when i got home i was bouncing around - quietly until late afternoon when i finally got my well deserved sleep.
I suppose I should talk about the last few days here on blog. Friday nite - the dreaded valentines day - Lisa was my valentine's. lol. Well we all went out to brunswick street. and thats rocked, bars are cool. expensive, but cool. and anywhere that has good drinks and comfy couches rocks.
Last nite was switch at casey's. and that was a lot of fun. it was also very loud, my ears were slightly buzzing afterwards. Lisa said to me that her ears had gotten used to the loud music and stuff - then i remembered yr 11 Vet music when we did the module on safety and hearing protection, and that your ears never get used to it - its just your hearing fucking up on you. But i hadn't the heart to tell her. lol. anyway, i was deaf to begin with. But i think its just me, i seem to tune out alot when people speak. lol. habit i guess. Or i concentrat so hard on trying to listen to what someone is saying, and the i realise i hadn't heard a damn word of what they just said. Like my first subway interview..the guy was speaking but i just didn't catch a word of it. maybe thats why i didn't get the job.
But last nite was like "hi" "WHAT?" "HI!" "WHAT!" i didn't hear much. i decided to was safer to stop talking than scream in people's ears and have to repeat everything three times. but anyway, it was good. i liked it alot.

I watched "birthday girl" today, the film with nicole kidman playing a russian mail order bride. It was an interesting little film. I rather liked it, and i thought the acting talent was pretty good, but it was lacking in a little..oomf. i dunno, i just thought that perhaps there could have been more to the ending, really make it climatic, but still while being a good ending for the film, it could have been just a tiny little weeny bit better.
Also, another film, "strange fits of passion" - while the title is cool, the main female lead gets on my nerves. its an aussie one, so all the actors are extremely familiar.

well i feel another sleep coming on, i might leave while i'm still somewhat awake. nite.

www.geocities.com/evesygal

"Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got - im still jenny from the block" - j.lo

who the fuck calls j.lo Jenny? its always jennifer lopez, or j.lo, not this jenny shit. And bragging about your career and sucess(failures) in ur songs isn't cool. Its more like miss jenny lopez needs to be reminded that she's still jenny from the block. so basically this whole song is a piece of cod's wallop. (what is cod's wallop you ask? i don't know, it just sounds dirty and fishy).

"Till i ride to the very end.."

Well i got back from anglesea just today, the 8th of feb and i arrived home sometime in the late afternoon. And the first thing I wa greeted with was a threatened punch in the face if i complained about my lack of clothes (i really need a new pair of jeans and sneakers), also i got yelled at about my nails (wtf?) and my bro was being a shit to my sis, and i (badly) threw a shoe at him. So it seems life goes on even when I'm gone. But after returning home, i very quickly realised how far away from my family I wanted to be. The are seriously shitting me up the wall. Anglesea was so peaceful and fun, and now i'm home and everything is loud, and horrible. Raised voices and fights over the control of the tv remote greeted me. I stayed right out of the firing line. I've realised how sane I feel when i'm not at home living in this fucking hell hole. So on monday when they all return to work, i shall have the house back and everything thing will be quiet and sane, if only for a few hours.

Anglesea rocked. I had a blast. but i've returned feeling a little heavier, and bloated. also tired, and not to mention on the ride home, i was tipsy. But it was a great week, and i honestly didn't want to leave. I think what kept me sane about returning home was that i would be able to listen to my music again. I missed my mp3's more than my family. now thats fucked. The beach was great, the walks and fishing was fun. it all just kicked ass. and the company wasn't too bad either ;) i would so love to do something like that again, because it was just so good to get away from everything that was driving me crazy. I swear living in this house is making me mad - i feel like a caged animal just waiting to jump out and run away never to return.
Ok, i feel like i'm about to be sick, but b4 i run off and spill my guts out (hardy ha ha) happy birthday to Lisa, Mark and Justin.
*MUAH*

the music of the moment:
Justin Timberlake - Rock your body/What you go (oh no)
Missy E - work it feat. 50 cents
Eminem - lose yourself & 8 mile road.
Aaliyah - miss you

the wonderful world of me:
Well tomorrow i'm leaving for anglesea! finally! Its so funny how much everyone has been looking forward to it, and now its here. LOL. so the party on the wednesday will rock. i'm looking forward to just doing stuff. I've spent too long on my ass. And a week without playstation? How will i cope? easy. i'll be back on the 8th and in time for justin's birthday! shite. i haven't got lisa a present. It's her b'day on the 5th, and Mark Street is having his b'day also (its a joint b'day - a very smart idea. so it'll be huge, hopefully). OK. so no b'day presents. I haven't bought a present for anyone in ages, i've just been giving ppl cards. lol, i'm getting lazier in my old age. hehe.
Anyway, i don't have heaps to say at the moment. But i'm very excited about tomorrow. yay.

Peace out - and have fun for the rest of ur holidays kids!

luv eves.

What i'm listening to at the moe: John mayer, missy E, jimmy eat world, justin timberlake, alicia keys, christina Ag, puddle of mudd, new radicals.
what i'm doing at the moe: reading a Dune book - the prequel to the prequels! lol. Also, doing a lot of writing finishing stuff and doing some rom searching on the net - I got all the final fantasy game roms - except no. 2 is fucked, but oh well. FF I-III are way too slow for me to bother with. also watching alot of vids, 'bend it like beckham' and 'Australian rules'.

To be honest, to myself esp, my life really sucks at the moment. I mean, i haven't been going out that much due to lack of cash. Every day i've been out in the sun - i've been badly burnt. I'm still feeling the effects of last sunday. my sun burnt legs are now itchy and scratchy. so the rest of the week has been spent hiding from the sun, and the rest of the world. But i did come out of my hole last nite to go to lisa's house for a vid night, and while waiting for my lift home played a great game of 'trouble' and I won due to dumb luck. of course, in the state i was in last nite, i was kinda only half there. Tiredness is consuming me. I almost fell asleep in front of the computer this afternoon. I think perhaps i need more sugar, but my tiredness could be due to many things. Laziness, heat..laziness. I'm not being that lazy, i mean i went for a walk today! returned a couple of videos. The more videos i borrow the better, cos it means i have to get up and walk back and forth to the video store all week long. So thats my exercise.lol.

anyway my highlight today was seeing the quick lil piece on the matrix that was shown on ET this afternoon. I dunno about you, but two matrix movies in one year? FUCK YEAH! i cannot wait, it shall be tooo good. and plus ET mentioned Aaliyah in their lil exclusive report, which was nice.

anyway. i'm off for sum blitzball. ta ta.

"Screaming Infidelities" dashboard confessional

I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,
And this bottle of beast
Is taking me home

[1.]
I'm cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
But you're not alone, and you're not discreet
Make sure I know who's taking you home.

I'm reading your note over again
There's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it
"I will love you always and forever."

[2.]
Well As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out
But as for me, I wish that I were anywhere with anyone
Making out.

I'm missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you 're pretending.

[1.]
I am alone
In my defeat I wish I knew you were safely at home

I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have speak, and
This bottle of beast is taking me home.

[2.]

Your hair, it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities
And taking its wear.

Today I got out my old notebooks. I hate to refer to them as journals or diaries, because their not just for documenting the past, but my life, and my thoughts and my lyrics and poems and stories. especially my stories. I have pages of unfinished fanfiction that I started such a long time ago. It makes me wish for the fantasy world I used to surround myself in. The world that was un real with its false expectations and dreams that were never meant to come true. At least I can look back on that period in my life and smile, and think fondly. And for some reason, my stories still live on in my notebooks. whats left of them anyway. and i still get sucked into the stories and the characters that i created. I can look at them alot more critically now, and i almost feel like finishing one of the last stories i wrote. It needs closure. That time in my life when fan fic writing meant more to me that the real thing, so i think it needs to be finished. I finished my other stories, this one needs to end properly. I always wanted to post them on the internet, that being my original intention, but i dunno if i can be fucked since most of the stories are all on paper.

anyway. must dash. books to read. playstation games to play and enemies to defeat.

songs for the day:
HOW COME YOU DON'T CALL ME - alicia keys (remix).
I CARE 4 U - aaliyah (i was listening to it this morning, and i keep the cd case on top of the player..but somehow while listening to track 8 on the album, the case flew off the cd player, and crashed & broke on the floor..i now have to buy a new clear cd jewel case for it..)
SHE FUCKING HATES ME - puddle of mudd
KATE - ben folds five
DON'T MUG YOURSELF- the streets
BLACK HOLE SUN - soundgarden
CRY ME A RIVER - justin timberlake
CRIMSON & CLOVER - jimmy eat world (recently nova started playing this track. i believe its a cover song..but i'm not sure yet.)

Another social casualty....I really wish i had something to say right now. But i really don't. mostly beacause in the last few hours since my las post, nothing has happened. well, after i finished my post i did return to the faithful playstation for some more FFX but realised that i couldn't play because i had no fucking idea wtf i was doing. i realised that i had become dependant on my brother for his rpg skills...he does all the technical stuff like customising weapons and armour, i just play and kill the characters. But can you believe that when we didn't have a memory card for the PS2, we played the game for the 3rd attempt, and left the playstation on for 48 hours..or longer, without saving the game once. we didn't play for 48 hours, we just left the PS on for that time till we got the memory card, then we turned it off knowing finally our game would be safe, and no more late nights of endless playing till 5 in the morning.
But really, it is all worth it. final fantasy 10 is the best rpg i've played yet. and i've played alot, especially the old skool rpg games, like chrono trigger, and the first final fantasy games to suiken(secret of mana) and suikoden(personal fave). of course all rpg are pretty typical, but ffx pushes the boundries of an ordinary predictable game, and makes game play exciting and of course the story and characters just kick ass. i honestly can't stop going on about it because the game really is that damn good.

CARD CAPTOR SAKURA: i was awake at 7:30 to watch card captors. i love it. my new fave anime. hehe. which reminds me, i have some wall paper downloading to finish.

I have returned. if any one noticed - i have been away from good old melbourne, and hiding out in a little holiday house near the beach. Its good to be back home with all my lil luxuries, like a playstation, net, a phone (other than a mobile). my mobile phone bill will be pretty expensive..yikes.
But alas, my return to civilized society will be short, hopefully i'll be going back again next week. Good, cos i have a really un-even tan at the moe. lol. lets just say, it looks funny with a bikini. which also reminds me that if i want to look half decent, i need to starve myself. chubby thighs are not the best look. but at least the weathers good at the moment.

Well friday nite, since the tv almost blew up at the holiday house, everyone was going a little fustrated because of lack of things to do, so we all went off to the cinemas, and saw "Catch Me If You Can" and it was a a good entertaining film for a friday nite. leonardo was great as the hero, yet villian, at the same time. villian because you knew what he was doing was wrong, yet so fantastic and outrageous. It was so great to see leo in a good role and no sinking ships. I was skeptical about seeing it, mostly because it was a steven spielberg film - and i'm not his biggest fan..and yes, the south park episode did put me off a bit (the episode where spielberg fucks up Indiana jones with his special effects). meanwhile, since i've had nuthing better to do while i've been away, i've also been catching up on my reading. I finished "Pride and predjudice" the other day. I have to say that while the book is good, and the original, i prefer watching the tele series of it, cos then i can perv on Mr.Darcy just a little bit more.

Watch: Scrubs 7:30 sunday on 7
play: Final fantasy 10 "Some can't wait to die!"
listen: john mayer "my stupid mouth" jay z "bonnie and clyd 03" counting crows "big yellow taxi" and others

I changed it :)

i'm hating this layout. I wish i knew how to do my own, but i don't and probably will never learn. no time for these things anymore :(
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
tomorrow...in a couple of hours, it shall be christmas day! woohoo for the 25th of december. I've done most chrissy shopping, haven't bought gifts for friends though. I sent a few cards out..about 5. lol, i was running out of time and money. And if i had money i'd give everyone gifts and cards. but i have none to spend.
i did buy two books today, i got 'interview with the vampire' by anne rice and 'area 7' by matthew riley. i thinhk thats how u spell his last name. anyway, he rocks - best damn books i ever read.

I saw "spirited away" with lisa last week. THE most beautiful, wonderful, imaginative, fantastic anime or film for that matter, that i've ever seen. I loved it. I want to see it all over again. It was amazing, and i left the cinema content and calm, thinking about the ideas put forward in the film, and the specatular animation. i can't seem to find the right words to describe the film, only that it was so good everyone has to see it now!

and happy new year while i'm here online. by the looks of it..mine's gonna be fucked up.

I really want my own bay blade. Like i know, its childish to want such a stupid toy. But i'd really like, two fo them, so i could see how they work in reality. Cos the tv show is(crap) all nice and shit, with these little blades fighting each other, but i'm sure the toys that can be purchased for $14.95 or for $50 on ebay, are pretty shite. I mean, these little plastic spinning top things, they can't fight each other, not like in the tv show anyway.

OMG ZOIDS THIS MORNING ROCKED. fuck bayblades when u can have ZOIDS! i think it was the last episode of the Chaotic century series of zoids. but i want more. i love zoids. and i haven't watched sailormoon for like a week. But i hear on foxtel they have a sailor moon marathon on this weekend. i want foxtel.

anyhoo. today another session at syn fm @ rmit wit lisa. should be fun again. woohoo!

i need to get drunk.

shut up: my theme song for the moment seems to be TLC's 'No scrubs'. and probably for far more reasons than i am willing to entertain here on blog. so, you'll all have to be satisfied with the obvious reasons, 1. that i like the song and 2.i don't want no scrubs.

Bills Bills Bills: I have almost spent all my money from last week. I started with a hundred dollars on monday, and now its thursday and i have only 30 left. Well my nails cost a fair bit, and i joined syn fm with lisa. Its great, sort of, cos now instead of being just bored teenagers, we're bored teenagers doing something. Kinda exciting. but its a very depressing time at the moment, a lot of shit is happening at the moment, and though its not stressful for me at the moment, i can see that lisa is feeling the after affects of year 13.
I'm still amazed that she managed to get through a whole year of folio prepration. Almost seems a bit much, but her work rocks. Well i think so, but then again, what do i know about fashion? i only wear clothes...
Christian la croix!

BE BOP COWBOY: I must remember the 10 & 11 of december. because thats when i get my end of year results and when i can re-enrole via the web again. Also next week on wednesday - the syn fm training session. then the next day, its the practise/rehersal stuff to see if me and lis are any good at radio. lol, the moment of truth before we put in a tape for program submissions. lol.

job finders suck: i need a job. but finding one is proving difficult. grr @ ppl who have to put no effort into finding jobs. There are jobs everywhere, yet i just can't seem to get one. Maybe its just not my time. THEN WHEN IS IT! and i've decided that if i am to continue living the way i do - i need a job. i need a little bit of independance, sadly it seems that everytime i get somewhere, i keep falling back into the trap of what my parents call 'home'.

harry pothead: TOMORROW NITE WITH MY HOME GIRLS! woohoo. finally, i'll get to see my bestest buddies all in the same place at once, and see the harry potter flick. sweet. i can't wait. maybe tomorrow i'll ask lisa what time the syn fm training session is supposed to start on wednesday, cos i think maybe i got it wrong. lol..whoops. and i've worked out how to use the calender on my mob phone. it rocks, and it reminds me of stuff. so thats pretty damn cool. see, i learn something new everyday!

I'M SOOOO TIRED
*burp*
sooo tired. so very, very tired.

i hate: buses and school kid fucks with their stoopid mall rat ways & gatorade bongs. pathetic.

listen to: 'Stina feat. alicia keys - impossible. its interesting, and out of all the divas- christina's got da betta voice.
kelly osborne - shut up, its raw, its punk, i love it.
TLC - Girl talk - its tlc - it rocks. but it's 'no scrubs'.

ok. so i'm tired and bored right now. and i have 21 e-mails to delete :) most of them from the bangers list. not that i'm complaining, i like being on the list, but four word e-mails are a waste of time and inbox space.

more later.

mood:starting to get tired..its almost 11pm on sunday, i have to wake up early tomorrow..
listen: 30 seconds to mars, kelly osborne, the streets, john mayer, imperial teen, sugababes, tea party, tlc & Missy Elliot

hurt me more: i've run out of things to say. i'm working tomorrow! yay, just as a temporary thing though. But still experience is better than none. and i still haven't figured out how i'll get to justin's house for the bbq on thurs...hmmm.. public transport is the devil.

intervention: coming soon. I think its nessecary to achieve understanding. So i'm planning one for a friend(s) :) except, it won't be like one of those "you need to stop drinking because we say so" type interventions. No this will be the, "its ok, we all feel like that sometimes". I think that sometimes you just need reassurance, just to feel needed, wanted and useful again.

blah blah blah: the dvd broke a week ago - we got it back on wednesday, then the tv broke on thursday. useless. But tv is fixed again, so all is good in the land of ev. Do you know, that every time i watch 'monty python's meaning of life' i fall asleep, right in the middle of the film. Every time, i've tried watching it at least 5-6 times since wednesday, and i keep falling asleep. Maybe its just me - or the film bores me? i dunno..i'm more amused when watching monty python.

anyway. bye for now.

www.geocities.com/evesygal

"The Good Fight" dashboard confessional

Consider the odds,
consider the obvious.
The martyr is meaningless,
the campaign has died.
In the planning stages and the fallen faces
are the singular proof that it was ever alive.

This purchased rebellion has been outdated,
denounced and rescinded and left to die championless.
I begged you not to go.
I begged you, I pleaded.
Claimed you as my only hope
and watched the floor as you retreated.

Hope has sprung a perfect dive
a perfect day, a perfect lie.
A slowly crafted monologue conceding your defeat.

Does it comfort you to know you fought the good fight?
Basking in your victory,
hollow and alone
to boast your bitter bragging rights to anyone who'll listen.
While you're left with nothing tangible to gain.


You must all think i'm obsessed with dashboard confessional - cos i seem to post alot of their lyrics up here. Well i'm not obsessed, i just really really like the music. So don't worri, i'm not about to start some teeny obsession over them.
I'm having issues this week. well since last week, but since yesterday they've escalated. And of course, they involve boys. I'm beginning to hate them. Because, i'm getting alot of un wanted attention. But you know, its like saying "ur own fault for wearing low cut tops that boys can see down" - but its true i guess. Anyway, decisions. But i think i've made the right one concerning one friend of mine. Just to stay friends with a person is more important. But i really gotta stop fucking with chris - not literally - just giving him naughty ideas, that of course will never happen. Because i think i'm too good for that kind of shit. I'm gonna stick to the hotties at the virgin record store at eastland :)

Ahh problems solved.
i'm hungry - i've been trying to drink water instead of reaching for the nutella and supply of sugar..but its hard this self disciplin stuff!
anyway, i should go cook dinner, cos my bro was in the kicthen b4- and his cooking skills are crap. Plus he made some papadams thingys in the microwave b4 and stunk out the kitchen worse than our burnt popcorn...ick.

cya *muah*
www.geocities.com/evesyga;

p.s queen of the damned soundtrack rocks.

"This Ruined Puzzle" dashboard confessional

This ruined puzzle is beige with the pieces all face down
so the placing goes slowly.
The picture's of anything other than it's mean to be.
But the hours they creep,
the patterns repeat.
Don't be concerned, you know I'll be fine on my own.
I never said "don't go."

I've written a note,
it's pressed between pages that you've marked to find your way back.
It says, "Does he ever get the girl?"
But what if the pages stay pressed,
the chapters unfinished,
the storied too dull to unfold?
Does he ever get the girl?

This basement's a coffin.
I'm buried alive.
I'll die in here just to be safe.
I'll die in here just to be safe.
'Cause you're gone.
I get nothing
and you're off with barely a sigh.
I never said, "Goodbye."

Does he ever get the girl?

I hate to say it, but "does he ever get the girl?"...probably not. Unless he's in a movie, cos as we all know, in the movies - the guy always gets the girl. well almost always, i can't think of an example when he doesn't. Even in the film i watched yesterday, "Angst" which was a good effort for an aussie film, thought it was a bit 'clerks-esq'. but insetad of a convience store(which isn't always convient) there was a video store with a depressed clerk, who falls for a goth. some very funny situations, like the internet blind date, and the stuffed toy pig.

i think everyone has heard about the new hanson baby - and this time it's Taylor and Natalie's! kinda shocking, i tried not to listen to the rumours, but turns out their true! so yay for them i guess. but can anyone say "shotgun?"

My stars or this week were really good - why haven't they happened yet? grrrr. damn woman on GMA lied!!! bert - i command you to sack her if she doesn't get next week's right! actually maybe they have happened - but i'm trying to ignore it. cos i have my eyes focused on something else. hehe.

i'd better go *muah*

"Love Song For No One" john mayer

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

mood: can't be fucked.
listen: screaming infidelities - dashboard confessional & missy E's work it
watch: dashboard confessional live peformance d/l directly off da net :)

good morning everyone! how are we all? well melbourne weather is offically fucked. its november and we have beautiful hot weather...this probably would be good - if victoria wasn't having water problems, and droughts etc. considering water restrictions are being enforced, i certainly haven't seen much of a change. Ok, the other week, we saw an old man lesuirely watering his garden. Where are the water law enforcers where u need them huh?! in these days of drought, you don't just lesuirely water your gardern, you water it carefully, so as to not waste or over water ur plants (this old man in question, was sitting down reading a book while he was watering his gardern!). next time i see someone doing that, i'll wind down my car window and yell out "ARE YOU A WASTE OF WATER" - the line i took directly from a segment from the hugely popular show, sesame street. lol.

Our dvd is out of order at the moment. We took in it last week to be fixed. a suspicious dvd fucked it up. I have no idea how it did that, but it did. so no more suspicious dvd's. because i'm thinking, maybe i was the one who fucked it up with the foo fighters VCD disc that comes with the "there is nothing left to lose" album. kinda a pointless vcd. its only got a few videos on it, nuthing special. But of course, we were blaming my brother and his 'something for kate' dvd - cos its the only dvd that still works, but i could be blamed for that aswell, since i told my mom to buy it for my brother's birthday. so i guess i'm in the shit for it.
But star wars is coming out soon, and queen of the damned is out. so i need my dvd fixed now! i need my dvds. i need films and movies to inspire me.
meanwhile, i should be studying for my anthroplogy exam, which is tomorrow morning. Fuck. i hate bloody readings, i mean after i spend all that time, energy and money photocopying them, i can't be stuffed to actually read them.
Quads! - series return was on last nite. i taped it of course :) it is the funniest episode, i love how animation can be so controversial and poke fun and be satire and all that about the media and get away with it. The episode was about reality tv shows, it was very entertaining.

Echidna's are pests. in new zealand they think possums are pests(road kill!), in australia - they just piss and live in our roofs and keep us up late at night with their midnight antics. But all this is nothing compared to the australian echidna. It appeared in our courtyard(dump), right in the corner of the front fence, where my dog lives, on friday morning. It finally left on saturday night - sunday morning. thank god. Because i don't know how much more shit i could take from my dog's barking, and that damn echidna that wouldn't budge. I called the rspca on the friday, and they told me to move it..well i tried. so i called 'helpful wildlife' who weren;t so helpful, they just told me to leave it alone, and get my dog out of the way. it was just hell. damn echidnas. ya know, they look all cute with their spikes - but their bloody devils. I now dislike them. i wonder....is it an offence to kill a native animal? not that i killed it..i just thought about whacking it with a spade...or covering it with dirt. i wouldn't kill it! i'm not that aggressive.

anyway..quake 3 is the coolest damn game i've played in a long time. its better than playing tekken or sailormoon - cos this game is like running and shooting and killing ppl and blowing them up into lil tiny pieces with rocket launchers (my personal favourite).

anyway, must dash. studying to start. *muah*
www.geocities.com/evesygal - bookmark the page and sign the guestbook!

luv, eves.

"Without You"
(feat. Michelle Branch)

It's been two weeks
Three days long
I'm all alone since you've been gone
I can't keep myself from asking why
Just wanna see my reflection
In your eyes

Just know that I'm with you
And what you feel
I feel it too

[Chorus]
I'm feeling lately
I'm going crazy
Wondering how I'll go on without you
I keep on trying
Slowly dying
Thinking about how I need you here with me

I wear your shirt
The scent of you
Reminds of the night that we became two
There's nothing else
That feels the same
Everyday there's sun, it feels just like rain

Just know that I'm with you
And what you feel
I feel it too

[repeat chorus]

If you think it's easy for me
Well, you're wrong
Sometimes I'm weak and baby you know
I'm not that strong

You're in New York
And I'm in L.A.
There's so much to tell you
Words I need to say
But your phone keeps ringing
[ringing, ringing]

[repeat chorus]

I need you here with me

How will I go on without you?

It's been two weeks
Three days long
I'm all alone since you've been gone

watch: Sailormoon(moon cosmic make-up!), baybladers(sucks), Zoids(I LUV), Passions(urgh), Girlfriends(funny) & THE MTV MUSIC VIDEO AWARDS (from august).
listen:
dashboard confessional - screaming infidelities
justincase feat. michelle branch
matchbox twenty - disease
silverchair's 'neon ballroom'
Daft Punk's 'Homework'
Robert miles - 'childern' & 'fable'
Hanson's 'this time around'
Vanessa carlton's 'be not nobody'
***The AVALANCHES 'since I left you' ***

OK..two essays done, one to go.
Two exams, start this wednesday and finish on the 13th.
I've had two subway interviews, and numerous calls asking them why the fuck(not in those words) don't they call me back.
Expecting one phone call today from subway. If i don't get a call...i shall be one angry hippo.(that is an intertextual reference, not literal - i do not look like a hippo at the moment).
And i've discovered i no long need to spend an extra 8 dollars at the beautician this week. So i'm thinking I shall go to the vid store and get me "QUEEN OF THE DAMNED" on DVD. but first, i would like to watch 'citizan cane' because i have it on vide at the moment.

I watched 'the blair witch project' for the first time on wednesday. I watched it in the early afternoon, had the volume up, to increase the scare factor. Well considering the film is based on suspense and mystery to get its kicks and thrills from the audience. Also the hand held camera work was making me sick, over all it was an interesting film, and i give it 7 out of ten. Mainly because, it was probably one of the most low budgeted films ever made, and it was more effective than those big budget event films like scream etc. Blair witch focused alot of its tension on the un-seen dangers and threats. And i'm sure if i ever go camping again (fuck no) i'd get no sleep for fear of the blair witch attacking me in my sleep. Which reminds me, i've been meaning to see the film 'final destination' again.

well must dash. i have some readings to finish.
OK..for my essay - should i focus on darkangel fandom or music/hanson fandom? e-mail me evesygal@kittymail.com with ur suggestions. soon i'll post parts of my essay up - cos fandom is really inetersting, especially the stuff about trekkies or "trekkers." its amazing to think that 32% of trekkies are virgins(thespark.com).

www.geocities.com/evesygal

"Big Machine" Goo Goo Dolls

Ecstacy is all you need
Living in the big machine now
Oh, you're so vain
Now your world is way too fast
Nothin's real and nothing lasts
And I'm aware

I'm in love but you don't care
Turn your anger into lust
I'm still here, but you don't trust at all
And I'll be waiting

Love and sex and loneliness
Take what's yours and leave the rest
So I'll survive
God, it's good to be alive

[Chorus]
And I'm torn in pieces
I'm lyin there waiting for
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

Silly love with all your sins
Wait and stop and I begin
And I'll - I'll be waitin'
Livin' like a house on fire
What you fear is your desire
It's hard to deal
I still love the way you feel

Now this angry little girl
Drownin in this petty world
And I'm who you run to
Swallow all your bitter pills
That's what makes you beautiful
You're all a lie
I won't leave what you ain't got

[Chorus]

I'm blind and waiting for you
I'm blind and waiting for you

And I can't believe it's coming true
God, it's good to be alive
I'm still here and waitin' for you
And I can't believe it's coming true
I'm blind and waiting for you


"No Such Thing" John Mayer

"Welcome to the real world", she said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits
Maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

I am invincible
As long as I'm alive

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for

photocopying makes my hands black. *shakes fist at photocopying ink for being so damn inky*

good morning one and all! hows everyone's week been?
mine has been exciting. I've been working hard, i helped out at the phone shop on monday - i did very well indeed. And i actually finished my linguistics assignment - and handed it in on time - AND i have photocopied all my readings for anthropology this week - and that is a first! wooohoo. I'm on time and doing fine! sorry, that was so corny even i had to cringe.

Damn uni computers, damn mouse's that don't work properly. And the mouse pad is too far away, i can't move it, cos i think its stuck to the table now.
Ok..remember october 17th. Michelle branch is on letterman. must remember that date.
I'm in a very good mood this morning. I have been chatting with a new friend lately. still on to the simple conversation topics..but its a wonder i'm making friends at all in this uni.

It may be 9:30 am but i am in a good mood. Ok, so i'll admit i'm still a little tired. I stayed up late last nite to watch the arias and buffy. It was very good. yus yus yus. But i missed sailor moon this morning. but i don't mind. its only repeats..of episodes i haven't seen.

I was just wondering, where are all the hot boy's at this uni! they must all be hiding somewhere. probably in archelogy. but cinema does have an average collection of boys. but not enuff to tempt me. aww well. Yesterday was such a strange day. I swear, i felt like i was coming down with a fever or sumthing. The weather was fucking with me. it was cold, then sunny, then cold and windy, then a little rainy. urgh! damn melbourne. can't we just have normal weather. Like 20 degress, little cloud. hardly any wind. that would be perfect. I'm looking forward to summer. so i can shed all these layers(of fat&clothes). It may be spring, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like we are in a transitional period. its not really winter, its not really summer. spring weather is fucked in my books.

damnit. time for class.

listen:
Christina Ag - Dirrty (video is softporn w/o sex)
Mya - Fear of Flying (Album)
Craig David - What's your Flava?
Dashboard Confessional - Best Deceptions & Hands down
Goo Goo Dolls - Big Machine (one of the most overlooked bands..they simply rock)
John Mayer - Love song for no one & No such thing
Missy Elliott - Work It
N.E.R.D - Rockstar (video version)
Beck - Paper tiger
Midtown - no place feels like home

OK..i had my first ever job interview. @ subway. LOL. but ya know..its a job. its experience. and despite the stress of a subway lunch shift - it sounds like fun. they guy who interview me..said they would teach me to cook eggs.
LOL...yay.
my lip doesn't hurt anymore - its a little tingly now. lol. and my nails are *silver* ooh ahh.
I've been watching 'Mallrats' this weekend. Its soo good to watch that film again. I love the characters and script. Despite the fact the film didn't do half as well as 'Chasing Amy' and considering is was lacking the raw satire humour and strange characters and fucked up situations of 'Clerks'. Still 'Mallrats' is a favourite of mine.
I think I know what to get rach for her birthday :) its a surprise..so i'm not saying it on the blog for fear she might read it. Its nuthing great or extremely expensive - i did want to treat her to nails - but i don't have over $70 to pay for a set of nails - with french tips.
But its the thought that counts right? Anyway..i like to give ppl things. Gifts containing sentimetal value. even something that may not appear to be special (like a cd) will always carry a special value or memory - because maybe it was given as a present. All presents or gifts..no matter how big or small - or who they are from - have value or memories attached to them. Some people believe that the 'spirit' of the gift-giver is carried over. I like that thought. Gifts create bonds between people.
I feel like going for a walk. Its dark outside..but its still warm. perfect weather for a stroll at nite.
OMG..M1 was on today. or maybe still going on today. LOL. I missed the tea party. grrr. makes me wish i tried harder to win tickets to M1. oh well..i'm sure that was one bogan and mullet fest..and i should be glad i missed it.
ahh well..there shall be others. eww. mullets.

my lip hurts.

getting my nails done tomorrow @ 11am. 1pm - art house..lots of bands. still don't know if i'm going. Probably not. Saturdays are exteremly busy days. anyway, it my driving day. And i love driving. There's nothing better than causing a muck or recking havoc on unsuspecting drivers with my reckless, carless and unpredictable behaviour. I'm sure to get my P's by Janurary next year.
"BABY GIVE ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT - COS I'M EVERYTHING THAT SHE'S NOT" abs. long live 5ive the best british boyband ever.
i will write again tomorrow..after my whole day. Something exciting is happenin tomorrow - and i'm in an extremely good mood. I better stay in this mood too. my fastfood career depends on it.
"Would you like fries with that?" - Evelyn's (mis)adventures in the fastfood world.
I think..i need to learn some time management skills if i am to survive in this world of University. Damn essays. Do u know, next year i will have to write 2 essays in one semester...three subjects a semester...6 essays. That's 12 essays. And lord knows what else.
Oh god. what am i getting myself into? Is this what they call life? the real world outside of schooling and education?
Is this when they say "One day..when you grow up, you'll have a job..and live in a house..." I think my days of slacking off are coming to an end. But this will be good. I like being busy, it keeps my mind off other things - like what to eat for breakfast - and what shoes look better with that skirt. I should be thankful, but appreciative of the situation. Because this new found opportunity has come at almost exactly the right time. Finances at the moment are becoming tight. Ya know..uni student..lack of cash. It's funny because everyone knows university students have no money - yet they still charge students the earth. Have you seen the cost of just one univeristy text book? Its murder i tell you! It's unfair that we must suffer and pay full price - for a book we shall maybe only use for one semester! its stupid and inane. And what's funnier is that all the food places at uni are fucking expensive - slices at la trobe is a fucking ripoff. but i still go there..cos its closer than having to walk downstairs to the plaka(which is the dumbest name for a food place i've ever heard of. But it rhymes with tucka).

ok..must go. My brother is back from geelong and is already demanding to use the computer. And i should clear all my stuff off his bed..damn him..ruins my whole system of working...

ok..ta ta *muah*

I think I'm alot happier since the weekend. Like I can deal with my problems and issues now. After finally (somewhat) getting out how i've been feeling of late, i feel a lot lighter. Like a load has been lifted off my back, and now i can deal with what's troubling me. I think now i can act on how I feel. I've been too lazy this year, not motivated enough to so anything about it. I haven't done anything about anything! Its almost time i forget the bull shit, the little insecurities that make me weaker, and its time I did something about it. I've always dealt with whatever came my way. I've had to deal with alot of shit in the past - alot of un-expected things. For some reason i think my motto is "Deal with it". straight out like that. I'm not a cop out. I don't always make stoopid excuses, i just take the responsibility thats mine, and get on with it. And that's what I'm going to do from now on. Hopefully your going to all see a change in me. Maybe not right away, but soon. You know what they say "It doesn't happen over night, but it will happen."
Ok..so i stole that quote from a shampoo add. it still makes a point. despite its lack of cred.

So what do u all think? Do I need to change the template for this site. Green is becoming uglylier to me. its so heavy. Well considering my lack of html talent, i won't be able to make my own layout for this blog, unless i move it completely to my geocities site. But, i would rather my own dot.com or sumthing. geocities is just such a bitch. anyway, i'm not much of a wiz on the photoshop - but i try. i've been thinking i should maybe do a short course in photoshop..but i dunno. I'm thinking of getting back into singing lessons. that might be a good thing to do since now i'll have more free time and once i get a job - i'll have money to pay for my own lessons. Thats why i want a job..not just because i want material things..because i want to be able to pay for my own singing lessons. It's my dream, my parents don't need to pay for it anymore. (not that they really did b4 - my parents aren't very supportive of my choices and decisions - i bet they'd like me better if i became an architech..or an orthodondist..). I've never shared my plans with them. they just have to learn to accept that i actually am serious about pursing a career in the music business. Well actually my dad wants me to do some microsoft course - then i'll be stuck in front of a computer for the rest of my life taking IT customer service calls. and funnily enough, i don't think thats my particular calling in life. lol.

I need to get rach a b'day pressie. Dunno what yet. Maybe some jewllery. But i got her that last year. Maybe a giant teddy...with some jewllery? lol. i'm making her a mix tape/disc. I'm gonna be making everyone one eventually...and i'll make lisa one - but she hates my taste in music..well maybe not hate, just strongly disagrees with it..LOL. something like that. I think she thought i was gonna put pop and hanson music all over it. LOL. yeah right. I have got better musical tastes than that.

well i think i'd better go, got an assignment due tomorrow. yayness & gayness. i think taxiride(the band) is playing at uni tomorrow..not sure. but i think its free @ lunchtime. so if anyone wants to come along..just come visit la trobe. it'll be fun..and free food.

*muah* www.geocities.com/evesygal

"Hands Down"

Breathe in for luck breathe in so deep this air is blessed you share with me this
night is wild so calm and dull these hearts they race
from self control your legs are smooth
as they graze mine we're doing fine we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst or break or bury or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.
The words are hushed lets not get busted,
just lay entwined here undiscovered.
Safe from the earth and all the stupid questions..
"hey did you get some?" Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear, so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy. My
heart is yours to fill or burst or break or bury or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.
Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers and
the time on the clock when we realized
it's so late and the walk that we shared together.
The street was wet and the gate was locked
so I jumped it and let you in and you stood at the door
with your hands on my waist and you kissed me,
but you meant it and I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it, that you meant it,
and I knew, that you meant it, that you meant it.

- dashboard confessional

Well this morning was bad. I went to bed late last nite after watching Ally Mcbeal. I never watch Ally. But lately i've been getting into it, its kinda funny and yet stoopid at the same time. Sadly the show got Axed. so its kinda a funny time for me to finally start watching it. But i bet i know why the show's ratings went down..it was because of that fugly vonda shepard. I mean, the woman's whole career is based around a fricken tv show's soundtrack. It just gets boring when ally and her lawyer buddies go out for drinks at the same place every nite. pathetic.
Normally when i don't have work to do, i try and get to sleep not too early not too late. But recently i've taken to eating chocolate covered coffee beans, and i think they're the reason i've been staying up so late - like sunday nite, i watched both back to the future films and read a book. But the real hell is trying to sleep, and getting up in the mornings is such a bitch. this morning i was contemplating to just skip school and go back to bed (this was after i got up) And even being awake so early, i still missed sailormoon! grr.damn cheez tv show it at 6:30. i guess i should be thankful since now i can actually watch it every morning.
Thank god there's only a few more weeks left of uni. I really like my sleep. screw sailormoon..if its not the third series, i don't need to watch it as religiously.
But i'm bummed about my media essay that i need to write, i would have so loved to write it all on sailormoon - but i did the presentation on anime..so i guess i'll just have to be boring and write about reality tv.
I have a lingusitics assignment - i got it off the net last nite. And i don't understand a thing. I'm so lost with it, so tomorrow i'll go and get some help with it. i think its about time i caught up. And anyway, after the essay are all done, linguistics is my first exam..so i'll have like a whole week to study (and hopefully not waste time watching tv).

I've thought about creating a zine. like about music, main stream or what have you. Or maybe just opinions about music and artists. I have alot of opinions, too many in fact. especially about music. the great things about zines is that they can be annoymous. So i could write shit about anyone and get away with it.

thespark.com have revamped their sex test. so i'm doing that right now. its kinda funny, i encourage u all to take it. lol.

well please drop me a line @ www.geocities.com/evesygal - i have e-mail there, guestbook(s) so please sign them. I really like feedback and i don't get enough of it. so sign away!

"Goodbye To You"

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

- One of my favourite songs ever. And today I was able to think about the song in a different way. I realised that, it doesn't have to all be sad to lonely when things (or ppl) go awry. Situations in life can motivate you. Like at the moment, I'm having a huge wake up call. And i've realised, that i've been stupid and silly about everything I've ever done. Last nite was a mistake. I had fun..i guess. before the barfing, after the dizzy double vision thing finished. Considering I couldn't even walk straight, and today I'm still feeling the after effects of it. Of course when i wokr up this morning, and my left eye was stinging - I remembered that some shmuck(andrew) squeezed lemon in my eye. I remember the evil feelings of alchol swirling around my insides then wanting to be brought up. I still feel guilty about the rug.
And I feel guilty about everything i said last nite. Because i know if she caught wind of any of it - i'm dropped as a friend forever. But i didn't bitch. It wasn't bitching. It was telling it like it is. I don't want trouble. I just needed to vent - and alchol gave me that release even if it was short lived. Of course, if anyone wants to know my true feelings, please try and live like me for a few days, see how i see things, try and feel the hurt, rejections and uslessness from my P.O.V.
But I see now, i know my limit. When i start seeing double, that's the time to stop. When i can't walk straight anymore..thats the time to stop. when all i do is fall and hurt my knees(i have a huge bruise on my right knee) that is when alchol is enough.
No more shots. well..not more than five.

"Tomorrow"

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Ya I try to believe you,
But I don't

When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just don't

Gimme a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, and I know I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Yeah I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

Tomorrow it may change

p.s there is a point to my cuting and pasting (&editing) of these song lyrics. i have used them time and time again(papa roach) in my blogs, but today they seemed poigant, and in some way might be able to explain a little about how i feel right this moment. *muah*