Just letting you know that there will be a few changes to this blog. I'm just deciding where I want to take it for now. So since Celebrity gossip has become a hobbie of mine - you can thank mr. fucking simon kirby for that one - I've decided that i'll be posting links to sites and stories of interest. And I've been wanting to compile a list of links for awhile..like a blog roll or something. I dunno...i want more linkage i guess. Also I'm looking at podcasting...I think maybe I could start doing that if i can think of a cool idea of a show or something...cos that way I'll be still doing my radio thing but like..online. Any-hoo. Also the layout will change. I've been sick of this layout for about a year now...lol/ but i'm too lazy because of the shoutbox here and i've realised it really serves no purpose so- i think it's gonna go. Comments are easier to look at anyway. Also i'm thinking of putting up a radio blog thing here...well basically once you see it you'll get what I mean..it's kinda like a streaming mp3 player on my blog, but with songs i've uploaded or whatever. I thought that might be nice to have a continually updated music playlist so you can all check out what i'm listening to.

Anyway today's breaking news:

Courtney love is fat

Lindsay Lohan is still going through puberty - and she won't go nakie

Tom Cruise tried to Convert Scarlett Johansson - but that's not why she quit the mission impossible gig...no, it was cos of schedualing conflicts..uh huh. She saw those crazy Scientology creeps and ran the other way...'that's what i'd do if i saw tom cruise.

Lindsay threw a hissy fit of diva porpotions at the Herbie: Fully Loaded Premiere...Apparently she was upset because the song "First" she broke her back making for Disney, didn't appear until the end credits...and no one stays for the end credits except for movie nerds - so no one will ever hear it. Damnit.

Katie Holmes has been dropped from the next Batman film...Well she didn't really do anything in the film anyway - except kiss batman...whoops did i just give away the ending of her career?

A spice girl reunion is on the cards for the next LIVE8 concert in London...BUT Mel B is making it difficult as she's the only one who's stopping the reunion to take place on July 2nd. But she's all for getting back in 2006..for the ten year anniversary...

***I found this link on the immoderation blog and i couldn't resist - Dance, White Boy, Dance
Maybe you kids can learn some new dance moves...hehe.

Speaking of dance moves learn to dance like NAPOLEON DYNAMITE!

The 4 men who were arrested over the 'water-spraying prank' on Tom Cruise at the Premier of War of the Worlds last Sunday were released on bail. The prank was for a UK television show and was supposed to be 'light-hearted' yet turned into very very nasty. Apparently now the pranksters might be charged with assult for the incident.
. . .
POSH HAS BINGO ARMS!? wtf? Posh now think's she's a bit flabby...which is funny because last time I looked she didn't even have arms.
. . .
FAMILY GUY MOVIE? September 27th DVD release - Finally we can get an epic-like episode of STEWIE! woo
. . .

If your like me and waiting in anticipation for the new melbourne international film festival - don't wait...check out the new program of films online now.....i'm buzzing with excitment..and also because AZUMI is out on dvd now..HAHAHA! yeah i know...it was a bad film, but hey i'm still gonna pay my 30 bucks for it.

IN EVELYN news: well i got a copy of three air checks i did at eagle fm in Goulburn. airchecks are just the recorded talk spots i did for the hot 20 weekly show. So if you'd like to hear what Goulburn heard i'll send you some mp3s, just leave me a msg in the comments if u wanna hear..i personally find it hilarious - but im sure you'll all be like..."ev, all you do is giggle"

also I have found a new jpop band to become obsessed with, L'Arc~en~Ciel - their music is pretty good and they've been around in japan since like early 90's...i have the music videos to prove it. lol. but their good...they used to be like weird grunge back in the 90's...they were a bit glam and now they look kinda j-punk but not. bUT ITS so confusing cos every memeber of the band has like several solo projects and there is just SO MUCH music and they've done like 39 music videos...im jusy trying to collect their new ones now...and i downloaded their new album AWAKE which i must say is pretty good. You'd think i'd be bothered by the fact that I can't understand what their singing about, but it doesn't really bother me at all. Hyde, the lead singer is actually extremely good...EXTREMELY good. and he's hot. in fact their all hot. that helps in me liking them more ;)

SO listen with your heart ;)

L'Arc~en~Ciel - New world
L'Arc~en~Ciel - Killing me
Shiina Ringo - Kabukicho no Jouou
Foo Fighters - best of you
Coldplay - X&Y
From Autumn to Ashes - Autumn's Monolgue
Koda Kumi - SHake it

It's the year 2005...and Paris Hilton decides she wants to give up her famous party lifestyle, Tom Cruise wants to marry Katie Holmes - but swears its not a publicity stunt, and Newlyweds is one of the dumbest yet most entertaining shows on televison. Is this what Hollywood has succumbed to? Is this the best news they can give us? I think not..

I'm scared of Tomkat cos - Cruise is the devil
Lindsay Lohan has nothing better to do than do the cruise

this is gross

The queen now has an ipod - which makes me wonder what she might be listening to...perhaps to the sex pistol's ''God save the queen'?

Britney thinks she's got psychic powers - whoops i mean prophetic powers...ah whatever...she probably thinks it all the same thing.

Hilary Duff has big teeth

Does anyone else not get why Jessica Alba was cast as the invisible woman? I mean she's too hot to be not seen and her clothes are more invisible than she is.

Leo got was in stitches after a hilarious hwood party went wrong and a bottle was thrown in his general direction.

Kelly Osbourne Has no Regrets

Okay so Im a bit behind...but give me time and I'll find something new.

Are you listening?

if only - hanson
in my head - Queens of the stone age
maybe - N.E.R.D
Killing me - L' Arc en ciel
Azoura - Shiina Ringo

I've been thinking alot. I've been feeling like crap because of some things a friend said. My relationship is different not because there isn't communication, not because we don't feel the need to talk about sex, sex and sex - just because i won't rush into something with someoneI've just met - doesn't make my relationship anything less than what it is now. It's fantastic now. I think distance does make the heart alittle fonder. I think i've come back from my two weeks refreshed - smarter - i know whats good for me now and what's not - I know where I want to be in 6 months time, I know that that nothing lasts forever, but it could if i wanted it to. If i wanted to stay in the one place, be lil old dependable me...but i can't do that. And I won't become what someone expects of me...i'm sick of assumptions and this and that. I'm sick of other people's ideals when i have my own to stick to. I'm happy where i am now...but forgive me for wanting more. I'm not satisfied anymore with just the ordinary life i've been living now. And I'm sick of people rubbing my face in it ...yeah right so you got to third base with a chick you've only known two months - you say your in love...fuck that. What is love? does anyone really know? I'm angry and pissed for the way a friend is making me feel inferior...like my relationship doesn't matter cos he's found a soul mate...while i'm taking things casually and slow. Im allowed to - i have my reasons...he can go fuck a tree...wait he's already doing that. Giving me shit when he's the shit giver. Fuck him. I don't care anymore. I'm over it. Back to being happy thank you.

I haven't unpacked yet. Im too tired...drove half way home..my legs hurt, my hands hurt. my toes hurt...and i'd rather curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep because i'm still not over anything. and i can't look at that damn puppy without thinking about the pet we lost.


i feel older today. I feel like im still somewhere else...like my body is here but my head is still in Goulburn. and maybe i want it that way. im glad to be back...maybe i'll feel better tomorrow...i need some sleep. I reallly need some sleep. I'll tell you about my day later.

Well you know...not much happening. Just ate food...all i seem to do is eat. I've had macca's three days in a row already and i don't wanna repeat that today. I've already decided that when i get back to melbourne, there are several important things i need to do.
I shall list them here for you to read:

- go to the dentist and cos i think some teeth need pulling!
- go to the beautician cos my eye brows need some shaping - but other than that they look okay.
- call myer and find out when my next shift is
- go to myer and find out why my discount card expired LAST WEEK!
- email jim and orgaise some studio time at swinny
- go out with lisa and have dinner somewhere...we made plans last night...
- go to jackie chan's restaurant @ donnie for yum chaaaaaa mmm...
- get cookie's b'day present (if im lucky i might be getting tickets off a friend for taste of chaos - if not then im fucked haha yeah yeah i bet i know what ur thinking "that would make a fucking beautiful present for cookian )

B4 i leave Goulburn i need to:
-get copies of my ads
- do the mid-dawn compliation(which i should be doing now)
- finish off my cup -o-soups.
- possibly do laundry
- order breakfast at the motel
- order dinner at the motel
- get as much room service as possible cos im not paying for it
- Panel on saturday for the outside broadcast
- Buy bottles of mount franklin water cos Goulburn water tastes like someone shat in it, then pissed in it,then spewed in it, then boiled it, then spat in it.

kanye west - jesus walks
daughterboy jao
don't phunk with my heart - BEP

mmm..maccas...hello kitty toys. awwwweeeesomeee..
i'm at the station still. 25 mins till the hot 20. yep, tonite will be my third night co-hosting. its fun you knowww...i guess cos i just sit there and giggle alot...but its easy. im not freaked out about doing it or anything. im gonna order dinner tonite from the lil restaurant at my motel. mmm..make the radio station PAY! lol. I'll be panelling for the OB on saturday - so i won't be back in melbourne till either saturday night or sunday day. hmm..well i'll try for saturday night you know...my dad is coming up here on the saturday arvo on his way home from thredbo and jindy so he'll be here around 1 or 2...which is good for him. i don't care as long as i get home this weekend sometime. I want to meet our new puppy...yes..my mum went impulse shopping the other day - and came home with a miniature schnauzer last thursday. Apparently its very cute and tiny - but i have to get home b4 my sister officially names it cardigan. hmm. yes she's crazy. AND my sister took my hanson ticket right...NOt even a message or a call saying thank you or telling me about the gig. All i know about it was that "it waz awsum" cos aubrey replied a day later to a message i sent to her. FUCK. anyway. i heard some hanson on barry bissel's countdown...yes barry is still around! lol picked it up off the satellite...which is where certain shows get streamed to stations in case the cds don't make it on time...but this station doesn't do barry, but i listned to a little of it when i was compiling the mid-dawn shift. almost 10 hours of music and sweepers and promos from 8-6am. yep and i threw in a few diff songs...like bloc party..and my chemical romance. They play better music on the night rotation than they do during the day!
haha! rossco was giving me shit on the radio about tonite! he thinks i have no idea about what im doing! how insulting...yet how true! lol...haha
anyway im feeling lonely..maybe i'll give YOU a call.

Crusty Dippin' Chunks

I'll tell you this kiddies - kfc tastes sooooooooooooo good. I've been asked to stay on at the station for saturday.i think its because they'll need some one to do all the dirty work for the outside broadcast. i'm gonna try amd score some free shit...might be a bit late getting a copy of the coldplay album but...damnut. Anyway im having a great time in Goulburn. This weekend i went up to Jindabyne which is past Cooma and about an hour away from Thredbo. It was reeeally nice - and great to see water...cos Goulburn has none. So yeah I met up with a few other Swinny kids, pete, michelle and dave (dave drove me up - he is increidibly nice - in fact one of the nicest most polite people i know). So that was fun, we got alittle smashed - cheap drinks and all that jazz. Cable tv is also good - watching alot of films. SO anyway the weekend was great - also met the old swinny boys who work at snow fm and 2XL - so that was great. they were telling us soooo much, i now know everything - but the bad thing about that nite was that they didn't shut up at all. Chris was just going on and on and on and on so much that i was like falling asleep. We ended up crashing in chell's hotel room - like three of us on her king size bed and pete on the couch. It wasn't until the next day that michelle realised that the couch folded out into a bed lol!

i've found that people in radio love to talk about themselves and give you advice - they LOVE it. don't have to have an ego - but when they find someone else who is radio inclined - like us swinny kids, they just go off. They love us - cos we'll fricken listen. and they lovvvvvvvvvvve that. Well im co-hosting the hot 20 tonite, exciting eh. in 20 mins! arghh!!! i'd better go and get stuff..i dunno lol. shouldn't be too hard, just gotta prepare in my head - ah well..cya kids.

In a studio

playlist:
Amerie - 1 Thing
john ledgend - used 2 love u
foo fighters - best of you


well here i am. its wednesday - so far its been good this trip to lil old goulburn. I'm having a great time - and its so nice getting messages from lisa and calls from cookie and james and everyone. I'm staying in this small hotel - the station is like a 30 minute walk from the hotel and i froze my ass off this morning. I kid you not - it was fucking freezing. But the town seems okay - and i have dodgy cable in my hotel room which makes up for the lack of entertainment in Goulburn. Seriously there is nothing to do in this one horse town - i dun even know if they have a horse here. They have a very large Marino Sheep though...me and dave saw that when we came into town..lol. i would have thought my email would be full by now...but it seems the junkmail filter is keeping most crap at bay...thankgoodness. i bet my yahoo mail is like up to 1000 junkmail messages..god that shit just keeps coming. So who saw Hanson on Rove? I did...lol it was funny...it was like OMG..HANSON IS IN A VAN!

anyway - if anyone wants that ticket to hanson i will give it to you for FREE! FOR FREE! its just one ticket - and seriously its a great offer considering you'll spend a night listening to decent music and being surrounded by chicks. HOT chicks. Girls who don't wear bras with their tank tops! Seriously...its the place to go this Sunday night if you wanna pick up. You'll be able to have ur pick from 16-25 year old ladies...

Anyway - the radio station up here is cool - everyone is awesome...and i mean AWESOME. also im learning heaps and its great chatting with Ross - cos he's from swinburn too so he knows what im all about and what i can do while blair the PD is like "i dunno what u can do" ..he's like only 22 and a PD! its craaazy. but yeah i'm enjoying it here...i might get KFC tonite...and destroy my body with its toxins. yeah sounds like a fricken plan. BTW this blog will be posted on my space also. can't be fucked writing two diff blogs...OKay well i'm gonna go do something productive for the next two hours and then leave. CYA kiddiessssss...*MUAH*

btw - we have like advanced copies of the coldplay record...how fucking cool is that..mind you all the copies are fucked- the cases are broken and shit. but ah well. and next week i might be co-hosting the hot 20 with Ross ...yay! how cool...im doing vox overs and making ads and shit..its great. Anyway. I mean it this time. Im gone *MUAH*

Well i'm gonna miss this. Our little conversations...its becoming a regular thing. I talk, you listen and never respond. You remind me of a dog...always obedient, always listening out - but never able to tell me how much you love (or hate) me back. But you know what - I'm leaving you. Yes, you. I'm leaving tomorrow morning at 5am and i won't be coming back till the 11th of June. Yes you'll be able to contact me still - email and mobile calls still apply. I'll just be away from you all for two weeks, on my own, trying to survive on what little money I have left after paying my phone bill and going crazy shopping. But here's a tip - Myer stocktake sale this Monday, they've already started marking down stock - get in now and you could grab some items b4 the sale officially starts ;) hahaha...everyone misses me at miss shop, you know why...cos i actually did work while i was there haha. Well Goulburn isn't that far away - i'll still be nearish...just a few hours away by car...tomorrow will be an interesting day I think. We'll see if Dave still likes me after spending 8 hours in a car with me. lol. If i can blog I'll keep you all posted with my radio doings up there...im just burning cds now and waiting for naruto movie to download..probably won't be done unless i leave the comp on. I could sleep in here tonite...its so nice and warm. OKAY i'd better get offline and get some sleep....see you when i get back!

songs:
utada hikaru - deep river
koda kumi - shake it (OHMYGAWD ...if you do one thing b4 u die, it should be watching this video)
kelly clarkson - behind hazel eyes

Okay i take back what i said. This my space stuff is pretty cool....well the my space music stuff is. I'm listening to anadivine now...its goot. Well yeah I'm at uni just doing some database research...getting alittle bored with it because im not coming up with much. I might start writing the essay soon - cos i won't have much time to do so tonite ya know. So yeah i've been pretty busy and im extremely tired. Im kinda hungry though...well not really. I have a slight headache and dizziness...well i should probably eat something. Haven't really eaten all day long. Yeah...ate last nite though lol. I was here at uni yesterday from 3pm till 1.30am! ARGHH!! yeah talk about crazy. I'm good now though..well not really, i'm behind in my work. I spoke with Jim and he's cool with me handing in everything on friday. I just have to do one more hour on RCS, do two phone calls one interview...4 stop sets, 4 speed breaks, put it all together in Audition and write a 1,500 word essay. its actually all due tomorrow, but friday is as a good a day as any to get it all done. yeah so this essay is breaking my balls. I'd better start reading stuff...so maybe thats what i'll do. get a coffee somewhere...sit in the chocolate cafe and do some reading. I need a highlighter...don't have one on me i don't think. I haven't used on at all this year- thats really weird because all i used to do was do readings and highlight notes...this mouse is driving me crazy. I don't really wanna go to band practise tonite - but i should cos i won't be there for the next two weeks. I know where im staying in Goulburn now...in a central motorlodge...woot. basically i think its like a motel..or something. So thats my two weeks of fun. woot. i dun think i'll be coming back down for the hanson gig in melb...79 was alot for a ticket..but i might just ebay it or sell it to someone...or if im desperate give it away! i'd rather ebay it...i mean..row q isn't too bad....and someone else is selling tickets for the stalls...really mine is in a pretty good position...damnit i want to go - but ah well..next time if there is another next time with Hanson..their so damn annoying with their unpredicitability. ahhh well...i would say damn i wanted to go and buy a band tee shirt..but i've worn the hanson shirt twice..and i got weird looks both times...Hey it can't be as bad as the Kid who was wearing an old skool hanson shirt at Atreyu...that was ODD. someone is humming in here..lol its cute.

anyway. i've been listening to other radio stations..my essay is on nova so i figured i'd get a taste for other nova stations in Oz. And you know what, there is a difference in the sound...from the bands, to the promos, the announcers etc...so its actually quite interesting hearing essentially the same station but in diff parts of Australia.

Well I'm gonna be at 2GN & Eagle FM up in Goulburn- i'll have my phone with me of course..and hopefully some internet access to keep me sane lol. you won't be able to listen online though..the haven't quite got that going yet - but i'll try to record some stuff while im up there.
anyway...cyaaa kiddies later

another song to add to evelyn's favourite songs of all time list:

lenny kravitz - again

Well i can sleep easy tonight. All is well in my world and nothing you could say to me now will bring me down. I will never listen to another stupid group of people again - because they obviously don't know what their talking about. Nothing is black and white...lol. Lots of graay..or grey. That's something i'm learning, that nothing is so clear-cut or simple. Especially when feelings come into it. I'm gonna fix the way I think. My 'I'm still single"mentality has to go. Completely go. I like Cookie alot...and i don't think I can stress that enough. I'm sure alot of you are probably thinking, "Ev, we saw u the other night. you were frisker than a cat in heat"but i don't think if any of you understood any of what happened the other night, you would see that I had a bit to drink, I was having alittle fun - no one was safe from my antics and something I did out of a joke, out of fun ended up making everyone have a go at me - yeah yeah, pick on ev...the drunken girl - thats the way, fuck with my head some more kids. Okay, so it was a once off..but when i kissed bertie did everyone GO OMG ur cheating? No...that kind of thing is considered entertainment! So my P.O.V is alittle different, because honestly i think if i was gonna do the dirty disrespectful thing to cookie, i would have not done it in front of a room full of people, nor would i have picked klein. BUT none of that matters now. IN fact after this blog, I'm never gonna mention it again. Because i had forgotten it the other day, cos it didn't matter - and im gonna forget it now - cos it doesn't matter. I know how i feel - and i've been honest. and honestly, thats that. I'm sure cookie now will have to deal with the other truth about me now..lol i bet he's at james's house saying to him "dude...is she really a-" then I'm james will gives the full expose on the not so secret non-exisitant sex life of ev. Honestly - you people make me worry...but thanks nat. I feel better now its out in the open - and what u call an argument, I call a simple disagreement. But u know what - im young and this relationship stuff isn't exactly my forte, so every mistake i'll learn from, you just got to let me learn..okay. advice and telling me off is all good and well - but u know what i don't think i'll be kissing another girl so soon after this ;)

anywwway...cookie's coming over tomoz...he's visiting the sick (me) - bringing Napoleon Dynamite with him..i shall critque the film and then tell u all wether is worth your 7.50 at video ezy...

sing me to sleep:
9th wonder + BBC feat aaliyah - nightriders rmx
L' Arc en Ciel - jojoushi (what can i say...that Hyde is not only hot but has the most wonderful voices i've ever heard come from the mouth of a japanese artists - kicks SMAP's asses a million times over, plus the PV is magnificent! Ah i'm in loveee and i want moreeee vids..)
Koda Kumi - Cutie Honey (i cannot wait to see this movie. it'll be like pink barbie meets sailor moon on speed)

the new utada remixes have been put on the net - and they are awwwesome! i just wish they'd release her U.S stuff here! it's unfair if u can get it in the UK and from Germany, but damnit...she could do so well here with those remixes. IDJ sucks because of their lack of promoting artists - they'd rather see one of their artists sink out of the charts than pay money on advertising and publicity. Honestly, they did the same thing to Hanson back in the day and now their doing the same thing to Utada! arghh!!! so fustrating!!!!

anyway if u want to check out the Exodus remixes - go to www.utada-online.net/forums and check out the vault. Might only be avaliable to members...and the mp3s will only be up for a while...copyright reasons and all...damnit if i had a credit card i'd be buying these cds...

meanwhile my week has been crap. I've been sick, had no sleep. I'm stressed about uni work - can't do anything while im home sick..I'm feeling alot better today so im gonna do all the paper work and figure out who i should interview for my radio show...and im gonna see if i can pop into uni later or i'll just go in tomorrow and record some ads or something...put some music on selector or something...im sure the editing studios won't be too booked out, most ppl do their stuff during the week and not on weekends like me..so. it should be cool. I'll have to speak with Jim though...i'm supposed to record some vox over stuff - but its alittle hard without a voice!
BUt im on anti-bioticsss now, so hopefully i'll be almost better by monday. Might go in early then eh. Ahh Rulide...once again you swoop in and save the day! damnit..i have to cancel my biotherm facial! arghhh!! damn damn damn. I was looking forward to that..ahh well..

hit me baby one more time:
Bloc Party - Banquet (Phones Disco Edit)
Spoon - I turn my Camera on
Utada - Exodus (JJ Flores Double J extended remix & JJ Flores Dub #2)
Kelly Osbourne - One word - she's gone all 80's electro pop on us!

Ohhhh...

1 Thing - Amerie (remix w/ eve)
Wait - Ying Yang Twins
Ciara - Oh
brooke valentine - girlfight
okay - Nivea and lil jon + youngbloodz
john ledgend - used to love you
hate it or love it - the game
fat joe feat nelly - get poppin' (sounds stupid.)

Howie Day gives me the shivers......go listen to "Collide"NOW

I've had a weird day. Work was short - busy but good...until the end. I don't like it when people are telling me off in a non-telling me off way. What i mean by this is that a girl in the department was basically giving me attitude about the way I packed on the clothes onto the racks so much that it makes it hard to get the clothes off. I just told her I did it on purpose, i didn't mention because i didn't give a shit, and that next time i wouldn't do it. Seriously..this girl doesn't really like me...and i know this cos she doesn't talk to me ever - 'like ever. She thinks she's smarteeer cos she's like a few years older...Look i don't even know her...hardly work with her, but i know that i dislike her. So far i get on with most people at myer that i've worked with...there's another person i dun really like but i won't get into that...cos she's nice but just...i guess not who i get on with. Im so glad im working in personal care tomorrow....thank the lord...im back to my roots...woot. I need some more lip gloss in my life. I'd rather sell moisturiser and make up than sell crappy clothes that are annoyingly complicated with their key codes and apns and style codes and crap crap crap crap ...so i haven't been in the best of moods today..
A phone call from cookie earlier helped, and a few msn convos were amusing...except tristan..Fuck he'll get his GBA when he gets it...im over him bitching about it. I doný eveeen want it..he can have it. i have a nintendo ds...so much more awesome...haha..nah the gba is cool....sorri tristan. didn't mean to diss. its okay. don't cry...

I am thinking its a sign

that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images

and when we kiss their perfectedly aligned

I have to spectulate

that god himself did make us into corresponding shapes

like puzzle pieces from the clay

And true, it may seem like a stretch,

but Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled

Head when you're away when I am missing you to death

When you are out there on the road for

Several weeks of shows and when you scan

The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great

Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say

But everything looks perfect from far away,

'come down now,' but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your

Machine but the persistent beat it sounded

Thin upon listening

And that frankly will not fly. You will hear

The shrillest highs and lowest lows with

The windows down when this is guiding you home

Such great heights - The Postal Service

listen:
spoon - I turn my camera on
BLOC PARTY - Banquet - Phones Disco Edit
her space holiday - my girlfriend's boyfriend



Isn't it funny how last nights O.C only played the new Beck Guero album..alittle TKO by Le Tigre and the evil lesbian girl has a Postal Service poster in her room? her awesomeness factor just went up by 5 points...except now its gonna go down 6 cos she wants to kick ryan's ass for hanging with marissa...talk about over-doing it with the jealously. Hey that always stops me from liking someone...when their crazed girlfriend brings over her posse just to kick ur ass...hmm..i think she'd better rethink that one b4 we all hate her...whoops too late. Anyway i rather enjoyed the O.C last night..and i have to say the only reason i'm watching Big bro 5 is because of this twin thing. I find it more interesting than the people in the house. in fact last night as i was watching the girls try to get all sexy with the pole dancing i remember thinking how bloody stupid this was. anyway big bro always gets better once you get rid of the dickheads...

ahhh...today i worked. and tomorrow i'll go to uni...have a mini-disc all prepared for the tutorial. I've gone alittle crazy with the sms's to cookie i think....in fact i've been sending him heaps of messages..and the nice boy that he is replies to everyone of them! lol...except maybe i need to give it a break, too many sms can get annoying...i must be annoying him. Anyway...its a wednesday today..and no band practice...so i guess since im not seeing cookie..the txt messages will just have to make up for it...I feel like being a bit riske towards him..i dunno, doing something alittle craaazy & naughty, but i dunno...might scare him.

It's weird, and im gonna share this on here because i can't be stuffed using THE OTHER blog. lol. but honestly i don't think i've ever liked someoned this much...and it doesn't scare me - but what does scare me now, is that I am worried about wether or not he really likes me. Which is weird because Of course he likes me...because if he didn't he wouldn't go out with me at all. But considering Cookie and are still kinda getting to know each other...sharing life stories and what not...i guess i'd want to know if he's feeling what I am. I don't know why i got all paranoid the other night, i don't know why i think these evil thoughts. Is this my way of trying to bring it all down? Oh no, i'm doing it again. Im sabotaging the relationship without even realising it...again! I must be one of those people who can never let themselves just be happy in a relationship. I'm even using that word now, i'm calling it a relationship. I've made it official, and i've now got a my space page, and written next to status it says "in a relationship".
Still kinda scares me, relationships mean things are serious and committed...im not saying i'm not committed...i mean it was kinda fucked up the other night when Ben drunkenly told me that if i ever screwed cookie over i'd be in deep fucking trouble...then i had to ask weakly, "when you say screwed, what exacly do you mean?"not that i'd cheat on cookie, hell no..im not as sluttaay as u biatches think i am - and i wouldn't classify that drunken kiss with Bertie at my b'day as cheating - but seriously one of the reasons i tried to get cookie off my mind was because i was worried that yeah i'd fuck it up somehow...knowing me and my fucked up ness - and then yeah ben and james and deniz would all be like "YOU EVIL SIN SPAWN - get out of the band now before we cut of your head and place it on a spike for all to see and scream at it, EVIL BITCH WHORE FROM HELL"...or something like that...ohh why can't tortures be like the ones in hentai? lol...i'd rather be pleasured to death than malled by a bear or decapitated by a large heavy, slicing object. Yes I'm fucked. but aren't we all? ...well it'll make me feel better knowing we all are.

I know I have problems when I hit the home button on my net browser and instead of ninemsn I get hansonfiction.com

I've been waiting for some answers:
nancythompson - mind,less
from autumn to ashes - the after dinner payback
atreyu - right side of the bed

This will be quick..i gotta get to work by one so i only have a few minutes here. But I felt like a blog so i'll blog dammit. went to a bogan party on friday, sooo boring. shoulda stayed home but I wanted to see cookie. the only reason i went out was cos of cookie. hmm...been having a lot of thoughts lately, I think i need to stress less. paranoia is not good.
Also can i please remind the kind readers of this blog - at the moment i think two people read it and the rest just write stupid shit in my shoutbox - im gonna compile a list of blog links and such soon...been meaning to do that for some time. should start soon while im not as busy...have lots of work to do soon.

anyway cya.

THIS BLOG IS NOT ABOUT YOU




Atreyu was awesome. the whole night was fucking awesome. I was really disappointed about the merch...no girl sizes..the xtra small was what we'd i'd call FUCKING HUGE. pisses me off. and there were no badges! so i came away empty handed...but its okay. cos i didn't really have the money to spend on band tee-shirts. So afterwards we didn't go to next..just went home..cookian drove me. hehe. i said i'd go out tonite to some party thing at matt's house..but i think i'll just spend a night at home...u know..doing stuff.


ANYWAY here is some fantastic news - There is a Wong Kar-Wai retrospective at Fed Square's ACMI CINEMAS and it'll be fucking awesome. Wong Kar-Wai has directed some of the most amazing HK films ever. I mean that...i'm not just saying he's fantastic...his films evoke emotion, memory, and his films go from beautiful to gritty and the camera work of Christopher Doyle is always an interesting and integral part of the films. In the mood for love - is one of the most beautifully shot films, and Maggie Cheung is the most beautiful HK actress...seriously see the film just for her cos she is amazingly beautiful. But also Fallen Angels is a great film...i have the dvd - its awesome. Chungking express is amusing and sad but hopeful - and should go down in history for the best pick up line "Do you like pineapples?" lol...see the film and you'll know what i mean. Also there is like a discussion panel and all this other stuff happening...like his music videos and short films also showing...if you've seen DJ Shadow's Six Days video then you'll get a small idea of what his stuff is like...that is one of my favourite music videos btw ;)

anyway im gonna eat lunch..gotta get moving soon to go to uni.

I just can't seem to keep away from the computers eh? lol. haha...
http://www.myspace.com/nancythompsonband - go hereee and hear some rock-socking music! woot. btw, that line sounded better in my head than on here...hmm.
Okay should i talk about my previous post (scroll down first and reeead it if u like) or shall i talk about ATREYU which is on TONITE. woootttt.. craaaziness...dunno how the fuck im getting there...night take a train or just go with lisa somehow...hmm..anyway, im just alittle bored now. I should go get something to eat or something...cos class is on at 2pm. My tutorial which i thought i was late for - turns out was running late itself. So rushing around didn't accomplish anything so hmm. But it was a good tutorial...im learning and i need to think differently about the way i say things on radio. I cannor say "Now" or "Coming up" because it sounds like crap. And i need to relax, slow down and work on my breathing. If I relax everything else should just fall into place I hope...just need to get go of what inhabitions i have already i guess...its easy to hear that i'm not relaxed in front of the mic yet..but it'll come with time i guess...alot of time. No one is ever perfect their first time...and im still learning. I also need to be less negative...think positive. positive. positive.

so how bout that O.C huh? Seth and Summer back together...Lindsay has left Ryan...aww..poor Ryan...and Marissa learns that moving out isn't that fun cos she no longer has maids that will clean up after her. She really is one spoilt brat...ahh life is hard in the O.C...

I FEEL weird when i look at cookie's myspace....and i see the simpson quotes..cos thats all he blogs...and then the status which says in a relationship. Now i wouldn't go as far to call it that..and probably for lack of a better term in myspace is why its there. Relationships sound so serious honestly...scareees the shit outta me and makes me wanna be sick. Its more of a thing...but that sounds too casual. You know what - I don't think I can define it. I'll just let it be.

listen:
basement jaxx - rendez vouz
atreyu - right side of the bed
the radio head cd tremain made for meee
lil birdy - excited

Well this week has been full of angry conversations, lies, and stupid attempts to try and undermine each other. In fact I get blamed everytime someone else opens their big mouth - but i don't help the situation by passing little information on. anyway its all sorted now I hope. Just some ridculous business about who said what, who believes what, and wtf? So its time to start minding our own fucking business...but everyone will have an opinion anyway so fuck that. My opinion? Well frankly, your not gonna hear it on here..cos that would mean that i'd have to write the whole story down and i have one minute to get to my tutorial so no, thats not gonna happen now. I think people have skewed ideas about what gossip is - and i think telling someone something they SHOULDN'T know or need to know can be classified as betraying confidence and essentially gossiping. But gossip is more of a bitchy thing honestly, its closer to backstabbing that anything else. And i've done little backstabbing lately...i like to think of it as an open discussion. Say what you feel and leave it at that. If you have a problem with someone you're gonna want to talk about it - and you shouldn't have to hide what you feel honestly. Anyway i'm late now. cya

I'll be your mirror

nancythompson - Mind,less
tokyo Jihen - dynamite
coldplay - speed of sound
the mars volta - drunkenship of Lanterns


...my stomach hurts from coughing so much. No i am not well enough yet...if i speak i'll cough and right now i dun wanna do that. I was so badddd last nite..i ruined a potentially good evening by coughing up a few lungs - and i though i only had one set. Meanwhile I worked today in jewellery...NEVER AGAIN.

the Naruto movie is out on bit torrent - after only two days after the raw was posted...ahh thankgoodness for the speediness of Dattebayo - the subtitling group that i download all my eps from now...i'll start downlooading later..its 700mbs so i'll have to burn it to cd right away...even though my new comp can handle it now...oh my this screen is 19 inches and looks riduculous...i think my eye sight will get worse now because of it...and why have a computer screen thats bigger than ur head? in fact..this screen dwarfs me totally. its huge. but we have a remote for the comp now...im sooo happy..no more getting up to change or fastforward dvds and eps...Oh no..i have a remote now that does all the work for me! woot.

I put together the cd stand tremain and carlos bought me for my b'day...i've started filling it withs cds..just need to figure out a good spot to put it now...

fuck im tired...http://home.iprimus.com.au/jbos/music/04mind-less.mp3 i shouldn't post this..but i have...hehehee....its awesomeee....go get some nancythompson into ur life ;)

meanwhile...i mite watch some vids...anchorman is calling me...

also..autumn to ashes kicks ass..and atreyu makesss me wanna bleed..i loveeeee it.

i'm in love with your strict machine:
goldfrapp - strict machine
johnny lang - give me up again
utada - wonder bout
gwen stefani - hollerback girl



Oh my its been a strange weekend. I'd just like to start by thanking everyone who turned up to my b'day on Friday. It was awesome because everyone who I wanted to be there turned up. And I really did fill up that room eh? lol. Well the party was a big success and thanks all of you wonderful ppl for turning up :)
I'm currently not feeling 100% right now..so this is gonna be a very short blog. I'm gonna just rug up and curl into a little ball somewhere...haven't much energy..yet i still have a big appetite for today lol..i've been eating all day.

Well also some news for ya all - mr. taylor hanson and his wife natalie are parents once again - they've just had a baby girl in the last few days...her name is penelope :) how cuteee...he can sing penny & me to her...awww...

this layout is really starting to bug me...

Well i just did a two hour show in the radio studio. I messed up a few times - yelled fuck (but not while on air) a few times and overall it was good but i know i can do better and there are little things i need to do just to neaten it all up. if anyone would like to hear my radio shows they can email me and i'll try to make up an mp3 or something of some of it. yousendit is the coolest site for uploading files, its so easy but it only stays up for a few days though which gets annoying when trying to download large files that refuse to be downloaded. lol.
Well im at uni now, it's almost 11.30 so im gonna see jim and have him listen to the show..but it is the show i was planning on handing in...i don't think i have enough time to do another one...well i might if i come in tomorrow. There is so much to do this week i don't know when im gonna find the time to do any of it! lol. and everything cost money too. 100 bucks here...60 there..i have a phone bill to pay and my dad has asked that me and my bro both pay some insurance...all he's asked for is 100 dollars at this stage. Well let me calcualte my costs for this week :
200 - layby
100 - insurance
60 - beautician
107 - phone bill - to be paid by the 28th...but my pay day is this wednesday not the next
and also whatever is left over is bar tab. I was trying to save some money for that too. damnuts.
So im gonna be alittle bit broke...already am a tad broke.
also i have another layby which is 119 - the his and her circumstances dvd box set from EB.
but i have two months to pay that off.

OKAY well i bet ur all wondering what lil evelyn got for her b'day...well...the present listing goes alittle something like this:
minidisc recorder
hello kitty bag
ffx-2 dark aeon yojimbo & vampire hunter d figurine
toxic earrings
and the most gorgeous bracelet from lisa! its sooo niceeeee!
Also i got a nintendo ds from cookie :)

a lesson to be learned from my last week
impulsive buying is very very bad. But stores that refund are very very good ;)

HIT ME!:
cubic u - how you doing'
vanilla ice - ice ice baby
eve - got what u need
Onitsuka Chihiro - borderline

I'm sitting here with my small yet cute bottle of sanpellegrino and I am reflecting on the past few days. I've seen some weird things - said even stranger things to people - and i managed to get rid of a shift in miss shop on wednesday ;) now just one more shift to lose and im a free girl for the week....wait did i just say girl? I mean WOMAN. lol i'm 21 offically now...nah i'm still not mature enough to be called a woman..i'll wait till im about 30 or 40 till ppl can start calling me that...shit i'll be 30 in a few years. How fucked up is that. I'm getting so old. I even have one grey hair which already causes me grief....Meanwhile..hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy starts on the 28th of april wooooooooooooooo...

It's weird. I've almost forgot that tomorrow is my actual birthday lol! I'm so focused on the party I guess I've forgotten my real birthday which is tomorrow. Tremain has already jumped in and wished me happy birthday which is sooo lovely of him. *sigh* he really makes it difficult for me to not like him eh lol. new naruto ep 130 is out - im gonna wait till the BT get's busy b4 i download otherwise i'll take me forever. last time i had the latest naruto episode in one hour. that was awesome. I'm not sure about this new Utada - exodus remix..the vocals seem skewed. Honestly I think it could have been handled better but maybe because the mp3 i have is shithouse quality is why i think it sounds alittle crap...the beats are good though.

I'm so busy its not funny right now. I'm sick of it. Im sick of myer stealing all my time and forcing me to go to uni on a saturday morning at 9am! I want to be able to go out and celebrate my birthday - i wish i wasn't working tomorrow...i have alot of work to get started on. the radio ads i need to do...i've got an idea for one already and i need to come up with some music for the alley tunes ads..i've got two creative ads almost written, just need to shorten it alittle and write it out and then record it and then edit it! woot. editing should be easy because now we're using audition - or cool edit as some old skool users call it - to cut up our sound grabs and bites so it'll be easy as pie. Logic audio can go screw its self...its so refreshing to have a program that will be easy to use yay.
and i want to make some promos for my two hour program which i have to hand it on mini-disc. So i need to write that up, organise it...write everything out word for word. Be extremely organised and make it all tight etc....its gonna be hard but im looking for a challenge. I wanna do well at this course and i need to start putting more time into it now. After this week Im gonna start knocking back shifts from myer. If i don't they will walk all over me.
And 8hour shifts and band practise don't mix well at all as i discovered last night. but band is going well..i'll be recording more bass and backing vox this sunday if things go to plan ;)

I can't believe how happy I am right now! is this it? is this what its supposed to be like? When everything is going well, when things finally fall into place and I discover things when I least expected I would...is this happiness? is this what i've been searching for? have I even searched for it or did it just land in my lap? Nothing can bring me down because the last few hours have been so good. Even just simply chilling and watching dvds - its amazing how more relaxed I am and how much I enjoy just being near him. At first the idea used to make me panic, but now I feel calm and resolved to make this work because I think that I really really like him. And I'm not just saying that cos I know that he likes me...in fact I don't really know because he hasn't said straight up - but he doesn't have to at all. He talked alot more tonight, which I'm glad about and i'm still laughing over the story about his friend getting kicked by a kangaroo. I don't mind the quietness, it just makes me want him more, it makes me want to know him more. But that's all it takes, just being near him makes me happy. and if i recall last rehersal it distracted me alittle, but i think i was smiling more just because of those thoughts and knowing he was nearby. I made him go home...which i regret and i don't. I just don't think my parents would be happy with the idea of cookie staying over...i think i need to explain a few things first b4 they'd be cool with it..like tell them that i'm seeing cookie as more than just friends lol. My sister worked it out pretty quickly...lol...she reckons i have a thing for stevens - lol also she commented on cookie being thinner than me...he's all bones..but so what...i like him like that. Gosh...hear me, i miss him already...i hope he gets home okay next time i'll make him stay over ;)

playlist:
the postal service - such great heights (john tejada remix)
MSTRKRFT - Thank me with your hands (panthers remix)
sharpshooters - japanese mathematics
lemon jelly - the staunton lick
!!! - Hello? Is this thing on?
Her space holiday - My girlfriend's boyfriend
dangermouse & Zero feat Doom - Somersault


My feet hurt so much. I don't want to stand up ever again. I'll just sit here and get fat on my ass. I'd rather that than the feeling of walking barefoot on glass. had a hard working weekend...friday nite had spur of the moment go out to bar eight moment...cover bands suck and some girls will do anything on stage to get a drink card except show nipple. but i had a good time :)
I worked at myer all weekend :( BUT im free next weekend wooot! crazyness shall ensue.

playlist of utada songs:
parody
time limit
For You
addicted to you

It's weird...in a good way though. I'm weird. haha.
I've been a busy beee this week...especially yesterday it was just go go go for me. I had a rehersal in the radio studio...so i recorded my ads and practised for an hour and tried to time getting the 3aw network news at 5pm...except the clock in the studio was off by about 30 seconds! so i totally missed the news and had to cut a song and ARGHH!! its annoying me cos i haven't got it right yet. So i need lots more practise which i shall do next friday cos its the only day off i have from uni and work. Im thinking i need to go in on weekends now because otherwise i'll never catch up...everyone else in the class know what their doing and I think i'm getting better at putting on a show..but i don't have the same experience as everyone else. But I try my darn hardest! yeeehaw.

Episode 127-128 of naruto is out now! I'm downloading it off Bit Torrent as i type this...i'm excited...its been one week too long without naruto to keep me happy. I was watching samurai champloo last night...it has to be one of the better anime series to come out of japan in recent years. Also i bought myself a copy of vol. 5 of Azumanga Diaoh - did i spell that right? And I love azumanga diaoh...i got my brother hooked on it too ;) its soooooo good. So that means there is only one volume left of the series to collect and watch and love...so thats exciting. Im seriously considering lay-buying the 'his and her circumstances' dvd set. it's $119 and it would be well worth it cos it'll have the dub and the orginal soundtrack and good decent subtitles on it (not like my samurai champloo dvds which are shockingly subtitled - thats what u get for buying cheaper inferior copies) Meanwhile i have only a few episodes of Revolutionary girl Utena to watch...and i must say that for when that series was made...they managed to get away with alot of innuendo and metaphors for sex - it's not explicit in anyway..in fact its very subtle and you don't even realise it till it happens..especially with the Utena and Akio scene.
And also i have too much macross plus to watch...Tristan wants it back i think..and he wants his gameboy back...woops. I haven't had much time for games lately..im waiting for a chance to just sit back and get a whole day's worth of gaming and anime in. See if i didn't have a job i'd still be sitting on my bum like a bum watching anime, eating noodles and playing PS2. meanwhile..my noodles are almost ready. excuse me.

nothing can bring me down...except one thing

The road to sanity has not been an easy one these last few days - in fact all my insecurities are starting to surface, I can feel the cracks already appear in my self-confidence. What I want and what I have are becoming two very different things. I was set on something - and then stupidly I agree to listen to things and people who tell me what I already know but all too late. And I don't want this "what if" question hanging over my head. Because it was there last night. I could feel the seriousness of what he was trying to tell me, even if i told him it didn't matter - it did to him. Even when i said i didn't care, he took the hint but still wanted to tell me everything that he was feeling and thinking. He was sorry for what he'd said thursday to me, but also that he realised then that I actually meant something...not alot..but I was someone he liked and it took his blutness to realise that. After so much abusive language in the car driving home last nite, i got over it. I'll think what I want to, I'll be friends with him, but I can't do more than that.


I know what I want now - I feel it so much. And it's driving me crazy. I wonder if he's out there thinking of me - if he's going crazy too ...lol i guess the cat is out of the bag now....but i feel very very lucky to have found something or someone as sweet as him. I don't deserve anything good right now, but i hope i don't mess this up. knowing me i'll mess it up and sabotage it in some way. My insecurities are already playing up - and all these scenario's are playing in my head like some bad melodrama. But i just think that if i think of the worst now - it won't come true. So I'm hoping for the best - that I don't run and hide and that maybe if i just go with the flow i'll be okay.

Last nite on the train to Frankston:

26/3/05

I haven't felt this way in so long. please don't let me down, please don't let me down.
Whatever happens tonight happens, whatever I wish for will and won't come true. but I don't care, just please don't take this feeling away from me.
It's been too long since I've been this excited. It's been forever since I've felt this way for someone. I don't even know if this is real, but I don't care because its the feeling I've been looking for. I've searched so many places, I thought I had found it again, but I was mistaken. Now it's here again, the same familiar feeling from long ago. It's knocking at my door waiting for me to open up.
Whatever happens, happens.
Whatever will be, will be.
No forcing, no changing.

27/3/05

we got alot of time and it sure feels right:
The juliana theory - top of the world
dashboard confessional - hands down
david franj - oxygen
howie day - collide
steven speaks - passenger seat
ben lee - get gotten & into the dark

I'm so happy I think I'm gonna pass out!

Nah I won't. But I couldn't sleep last nite at all - I could only think of him and how close he was to me. I couldn't focus, I couldn't breathe half the night because my heart was racing. I knew I wanted him and I had him - But I still wanted his arms around me the whole nite. He was just so sweet and last night was all him. I swear I didn't do anything but turn up - and to think that if I hadn't turned up I wouldn't be this happy today. All that effort was worth it and I can feel it. I get these feelings in my stomach like butterflies - and I know that it's right. I just don't want this feeling to leave me ever again. I'm on top of the world - nothing can bring me down....

It's funny how quickly I can change my mind about someone. Its also funny how utterly terrible one person can make me feel in the time of 30 seconds. It also just shows how sensitive I can be sometimes. I can injure someone else with my words - and then they throw it back at me and I can't take it. It's true, I do contradict myself. But fuck it. I don't care. I still know what I mean and I still know what I feel. That's the only thing that's real for me. I get to this stage where I don't know who to trust and I know that some feelings I shouldn't act upon because I'll hurt someone else. So I don't do anything about anything - and then suddenly I'm so bad because I actually DIDN'T do anything. Maybe I should say what I feel more clearly. Maybe I should respect other's feelings more - I think I do, as much as I can. But I'm unsure now of some people and their reactions and assumptions. I think some people assume too much of me. And I think that's what I dislike - the assuming. I wish I could be me all the time, but I can't. I wish I could trust everyone - but I can't. Right now, I think I've realised how fucked up some people are and that they are dragging me down into their own confusion and fucked-up-ness. Didn't I say I didn't need that. Didn't I think that. Didn't I avoid that? why is it so easy to revert back to old feelings? When things were less complicated. But decisions I made I won't break. Anyway, you don't go out with your friends. You can't always go back after that. but sometimes you can. And there's always hope in that. I cling to hope sometimes. That's what I'm doing now. I'm wishing and hoping that everything will work out. That what's meant to be will be and all that stuff. I'm not so lost after all eh?

stem - shiina ring "the real is but a dream"
l0w - kelly clarkson "they look at me with sad eyes, well I don't want their sympathy"
gamble everything for love - ben lee "love me with an open heart, tell me anything"
forget myself - third eye blind "who am I we both don't know/ time ticks by, where did you go?"

meanwhile james is sick from the pizza hut food. THAT'S why vegeterians shouldn't eat meat on a fricken religious holiday!

Sydonia - Life in a cup
Queens of the stone age - no one knows
Ben lee - catch my disease

I've never been this confused about anything. But I'm also never very definate with my feelings either. So maybe this is just a temporary situation and I'll go back to normal soon...I hope so.
I think I like the idea of someone right now more than I like them. And I think if I acted on every crush I had on someone, then i'd end up nowhere without any real idea of what I'm looking for. I think I know what I want. It just gets mixed up - with my thoughts and ideas. Do I want something real? Something that lasts? or something superficial and nasty?
Nasty is such a nasty word. Do I want to go against the norm for myself? Should I chase or be chased? I think alot, about what it could be like with someone - but nothing ever comes of it. And I think that this is probably one of those times. but we'll see ;) who knows, i'm just going with the flow and wherever it takes me I guess i'l have to wait and see.

My birthday preprations are getting worse - I need to rethink and re-evaluate how much I actually want to spend on alcamhole. haha

There are some people in this world that are just not meant to get along. Ever.
And I think I found of those people that I will never ever get along with. And another thing I've realised is that I just don't care. Well my weekend has been busy, full of 21st birthdays (Nat's and Klein's) and i've been working at myer all weekend. Which has made it interesting. but i've been lacking a decent night's sleep. Oh well i'll catch up during the week ;)

Well yesterday was a very interesting day and I'll tell you why.

First off I made plans to go to St Kilda with lisa in the afternoon. There was a festival happening in the botanical gardens there and lots of world music and market type happenings. But before I could go to that I had to take my sister to my Grandma's house and help her out filming a 3 minute film. So I happened to drive that day, because my mum was too slow and if i was gonna go out later we had to get aubrey's stuff out of the way first. So driving to Bulleen started off well.

At first I was like "Oh fuck..i have to go through that bloody round about" those of you will know this roundabout as the one that has a HUGE green thing in the middle of it...and I honestly hate going through this roundabout. But oddly enough i get through fine - and i remember even asking my sister "was i in the right lane?" and she was like, "Yep, ur fine".

So things were dandy - i got over the hard part of our journey. BUt alas, don't count ur chickens until the hatch. As I was driving along the road towards the templestowe shops (there was a festival on there too) - i noticed a car up ahead that was waiting to turn onto the road. I didn't think anything of it - UNTIL the fricken woman at the wheel of that car decided to not give way to me! SO I break, she breaks and both cars just skim the sides of each other. It was kinda like a screetching sound...it reminded me of finger nails on a black board. So I quickly pull over. And I'm cursing absusive language..and i'm pulled over and I'm thinking "shit what do i do next" so my sister gets out of the car, cos it happened on her side of the car and she's checking out the damage while the fricken woman who didn't give way to me starts driving off! I WAS LIKE..OMG! and then she was gone...i didn't get her number plate or anything. So we drove to grandma's i called my parents - my dad went fricken crazy over the phone and my plans for the afternoon were ruined.

BUt my day was saved by lisa, mark and carlos - they picked me up and we went to the beach and then had chinese for dinner. It was great :) although next time i think we'll all think twice b4 throwing shells and rocks at seagulls. that kinda put us all into a sombre mood.

Today though i went to uni - spent three hours sitting and talking about advertising on radio. It was good! i'm loving my course so far. its just getting better every week i think. Okay.well dinner is ready and i'm starved. BA-HA-HI!

Hear it on the stereo:
TKO - Le Tigre
Gamble everything for love - Ben Lee

modeling @ justin's 21st

Justin thought that this picture needed to be here. lol..So I thought I'd share it. It's a pic of me and tom..I'm kinda..losing focus and he's doing the I'm-so-hot-and-i'm-an-asshole thing. He does that well. There's another picture of us doing that..well of tom doing that. Ahh the camera loves him. I found out that night that i've been blacklisted by his girlfriend though - which is odd..cos i always thought jo was a lovely person and to find out that i'm hated by her...didn't sit well with me that night. Its not like i'm a threat..oh no..i wouldn't want to go there with tom, especially not after i realised what an ASSHOLE he is all those years ago - that would be 3 years ago...i think. well it was a long time ago..most of which i've forgotten.
But yeah..so this was just one of many pics taken from justin's new website. if i can find the link i'll post it so you can all go have a looksie at his pictures..cos there are alot. And most of them are of justin's friend ian...lol..Justin commented on the lack of me in those pictures...well my legs and shoes appear in a few pics...you can tell..cos i stand funny, as lisa noticed the other nite :) Yeah

on friday nite we went to the greyhound hotel - lisa and mark s came along...we met james, bonnie and her friend cathy. We saw SYDONIA and they were awwwwwesome..especially that song 'pain and suffering' omg ammmmazing. the band that followed them were just...not as impressive as them..in fact they were a huge let down compared to sydonia..unfortunately...then there was this guy call zig zag and his freashow...which involved him setting his head on fire (thanks to lynx deoderant), eating a light bulb and walking on a bed of glass...in fact he was on the glass for awhile. it was crazy, shocking , and some of it was disturbing but no one could take their eyes off it...and everyone was in pjamas which was weird.

hear me out: Al green - let's stay together
chingy - jackpot
basement jaxx - jus one kiss
timbaland & magoo - up jumps the boogie (feat. aaliyah and missy elliot)

ON the 7th of March was the day my dog died. Thinking about it now - it was so surreal then. We made a decision which ended the life of our beloved pet. Everytime I look outside I keep thinking she'll be there...but she's not. When I walked up the steps to the house, I waited to hear her barking at me - but i heard nothing. I saw the back gate wide open and the first thought that jumped into my head was "She'll escape!" then I remembered that it didn't matter anymore. Its starting to sink in now...I'm waiting for it to get easier. I have to remind myself that it was our decision - and we have to live with it. But I don't want to...I just wish it was all so different. It could have turned out better for her.

I try to keep myself busy...but its hard. I'm reminded of it all the time - especially when i'm at home. Its all my mum talks about to me - its like she's trying to justify her decision to her self and to me...She had second thoughts, but its too late now. There was never a guarantee that it would work out..when so many things went wrong. She was only 7 years old. I'm making it worse for myself now by writing here. But the thing I have to understand is why. Why her? why did she have all the problems? But there are no answers, only theories and assumptions. One thing everyone keeps thinking is 'This shouldn't have happened'. Maybe I'd be better off now if i didn't watch...if i had missed the whole event like my sister did - "Where's Briggetta?" she said as the vet drove down our drive way with our dog lying in the trunk of his car. "Where do you think?" I spat at her through my tears - "She's gone". I was pissed. It was an important thing and she wasn't there to say goodbye. But aubrey doesn't reall care about the pets that much...she does, but only when it suits her. But that's how she is. Its better though I must admit...talking to people about this. Lisa and Tremain have been a big help to me through this...they both listened to my sobbing over the phone..they didn't have to, but they did. And James has been understanding...he let me skip bandpractise (not like i need his permission). And that shot of makers mark that i had...helped in a weird burning/warm way. I feel like calling one of them now...like...hearing someone else's voice will calm me...comfort i guess is what i'm looking for.

Anyway. I just got a call from mark S...me, lis and him are going to see a movieeee....my headache is almost gone...and i've just cried..Again. great...now i'm gonna have a red face. I'd better pretty myself up now.

I don't think I can sleep tonight. I don't know if I want to - especially if it means that I have to wake up tomorrow knowing that Briggetta is not there. I sit wondering if what we did was right? If it was so humane then why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel guilty for it?
I felt like maybe we could have given her more time - but she had so much time and it was breaking us all to see her like that. Telling myself that it was the right thing to do - that maybe we could have stopped it, that we could still have her. And now I sit here wishing it could all be different - wishing that I didn't have to watch her fall into her forced sleep. I can cry all I want, but it won't change things. I can wish all I want, but whats done is done. We can't go back and change things, and now we've lost something close to us and it just feels empty and wrong without her.



"Little angel you gotta learn to fly, get up, earn your wings tonight -


Little angel just look in my eyes, get up and earn your wings tonight..."

Utada Hikaru - Kremlin Dusk

All along I was searching for my lenore
In the words of Mr Edgar Allan Poe
Now I'm sober and nevermore
Will the raven come to bother me at home
Calling you
Calling you home
You
Calling you
Calling you home

By the door you said you had to go
Couldn't help me any anymore
This I saw coming long before
So I kept on staring out the window
Calling you,
Calling you home...
You,
Calling you,
Calling you home...

I am a natural entertainer
Aren't we all holding pieces of dying ember?
I'm just trying to remember who I can call,
Who can I call?
Home,
Calling you,
Calling you...

I brought a secret propoganda
Aren't we all hiding pieces of broken ember?
I'm just trying to remember who I can call,
Who can I call?

Born in a world of opposite attraction
Is it or is it a natural deflection?
Torn by the arms in opposite directions
And is it or is it a modern mis- reaction?

Born in a world of opposite attraction
Is it or is it a natural deflection?
Torn by the arms in opposite directions
And is it or is it a modern mis- reaction?

Is it like this?
(Born in a world of opposite attraction)
Is it always the same?
When a heartache begins,
(Torn by the arms in opposite directions)
Is it like this?

Do you like this?
(Born in a world of opposite attraction)
Is it always the same?
Will you come back again?
(Torn by the arms in opposite directions)
Do you like this?

Is it always the same?
And will you come back again?
Do you like this?
Oh, do you like this?

Is it like this?
(Born in a world of opposite attraction)
Is it always the same?
(Is it or is it a natural deflection?)
(Torn by the arms in opposite directions)
If he changes my number,
(And is it or is it a modern mis- reaction?)
Will you tell me?

Is it like this?
Is it always the same?
When a heartache begins,
Is it like this?

If you like this,
Will you remember my name?
Will you come play it again,
If you like this?
Oh, do you like this?

I wanna take you up to my room - but you always have to be too soon:
travelling - utada hikaru
ska sucks - Propagandhi
across 110th street - Bobby Womack
long time woman - Pam Grier




I'm not in a good mood anymore. Maybe cos i'm tired...and pissed off with certain people. I shouldn't go out tonite - i should stay home and sleep. cos thats what i want to do right now, sleep for a very very long time.
I purchased a copy of Final Fantasy 9 today...it was at eb doncaster..and i swear that game was waiting for me. I was on the other side of the store and i just so happened to look up at the PS1 games and there it was...I rushed over to it and grabbed it off the shelf and i bought it there and then. Brand new, 49.95. i've been wanting that game for ages and everytime i seem to get close to it - it disappears. poof! and now..poof! it was there. so now im broke again..cos by the time i pay my phone bill there will be nothing left of my bank account....yay.


well im gonna go bitch some more about my brother to other people now...
cya

I think i shall survive this year afterall ;)

I had second thoughts yesterday. I was sitting in the tiny radio studio at Swinburn with 13 others and I thought to myself "What am I doing here? Why was I chosen out of so many others to be in this course?"

Honestly I don't need to do this commerical radio course - I could just find a job else where doing something - I have one BA under my belt, why do I need to do complete another course and throw myself into the deep end once again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't want to do this course - I do. I'm excited about learning more stuff - but I'm scared about being on my own again at uni and being friendless. My first year of uni wasn't spent alone, but I had a hard time coping without those who were closest to me. I know that if Jon hadn't been so nice to me I probably wouldn't have made it out of first year alive. And now i'm at a new uni and I don't know anyone and yeah I'm scared. I'm starting all over again and it's going to be hard. I'm out of my depth too - almost everyone else in the course has had way more experience than me...I mean what do I know? nothing compared to them right? BUt i'm here to learn..and get a job which is why normal people go to university.


But I'm not normal.


In fact I'm not sure if I can be classified as anything other than human. Even that word betrays our imperfections. To err is to be human or something like that right?
Well i have my second class tonight at 6pm till 9! how crazy is that! I've never had night classes before. woot anyway it should be fun squishing into the radio studio again...hmm that's where i'll be for a whole year...oh goody. good thing i don't mind small spaces.

And I think I'm starting to scare myself:
frontin' - Pharrell
damaged - TLC
right side of the bed - Atreyu
Ohio is for lovers - Hawthorn Heights
drug like - Action Action

I just found out the news about Naruto - it's been Licenced over seas, which is bad news for the fansubber addicts like me - but this news can be taken either way. Its good and band. BAD because many bit torrents will stop supplying it and it won't be subbed by as many groups now. BUt its good because it means naruto will be on TV! but bad cos it'll be in english. BUt maybe now some of the video games will come out and stuff...but it'll be in english..and terribly dubbed. Okay i'm sure VIZ and ShoPro will take good care of the series, but the series will probably get hacked up so that annoying lil brats can watch it on their morning tv shows...bloody american television - they need to learn that animation is not just for kids anymore...but i think their slowly learning that. There have been some bad mistakes made to some great anime series - lets just hope Naruto doesn't lose its orginality or it insane coolness and japaneseness - i wouldn't want this awesome anime to get lost in the translation.

BUt for now i think i'll download episode 122 and read more:
anime news network
anime suki forum


I am lonely for tonight, baby come on and hold me tight:
Colours - utada hikaru
kelly clarkson (now i think of it, its kinda a hick name) - since you've been gone
lil birdy - tonights the night
AND that new basement jaxx song...can't remember whats it called.

all i know is what i'm missing...what i'm missing is your kissing ARE YOU LISTENING?:
michelle branch - hotel paper
nelly - flap your wings
britney speeears - do sumthin'
basement jaxx - romeo
utada - tippy toe & kremlin dusk (edgar allen poe anyone?)


I've had one weird and exciting day overall. My morning started like any other - i woke up at 6.30 am and rolled over back to sleep ignoring my alarm 3 times b4 i finally forced myself out of bed - to then only walk out of my room and collapse on the couch. at 9.30 Cid came and we drove to the vic roads for my P's driving test. At first he was like - yeah your gonna pass and i was like nah uh. BUT you know what i should believe in my self alittle more because strange things do happen to a girl like me. Well i was fine b4 my test and at the start - but during the test about half way i began to lose it. I made a few mistakes while nearing the end of my route but i made it back without any instant fails or anything. I got more nervous as the test went on, and in fact the car heated up quite a bit so by the time we got to vic roads again i was like sweating and concentrating and it was scary cos i was positive i had failed after that. THEN as we were waiting inside they called me over and told me that i had PASSED! i was like, "uh could you repeat that"...not quite believing it myself i needed to hear it again. So that was it i got my photo I.D - which i must say is an improvement on my last licence but i look very scruffy in it haha. lol. BUt its over now and i'm relieved almost - i'm not quite here though, it feels surreal because i've wanted this for awhile and i finally went out and did it and passed first time so no more driving lessons - so that means no more cid - he was cool. he bought me food :)
I'm alittle freaked by the idea of driving by myself now, cos its gonna happen but but once i get over those first nerves im sure i'll be okay. BUT i can't wait to get in the car and go zoom zoom on the freeway while listening to a crazy CD - yeah i'd in one of those cars that go doof doof with the loud music,..mauahaha i can't wait.

I really want to update this blog. I want a new layout design for it and newpics and graphics and stuff. I want it to look pretty and more of a representation of my self and this blog. Cos right now while it looks aiight its not quite me 24/7. Don't get me wrong, i go for that angsty blackness and gritty graphics as much as the next angst ridden blog writer - BUT i want some colour! lol. but i have no skill in the blog skin making department so if anyone would like to volunteer their services...lol haha...other wise i'll keep scouring blog skins for something cool.

Anyway. I had the best day out on monday. I went to the city with lisa and we met up with Michelle and we went straight to Max Brenner - which is this cafe at QV - or as everyone seems to call it "The chocolate place" and i must say i was impressed. No actually, i was in love with the place. If i had had more cash on me I would have stayed there all day long eating chocolate covered things, chocolate melting things and drinking their hot chocolates. never mind that the weather was like 30+ degrees lol..too hot for such warm foods, but it was deliciously mind-blowing. SO after this we had to walk off the chocolate and what better way to do it than around in melb central chasing bubbles and shopping! lol..we walked down to like feb square also to look at the art galleries which were awesome. I got some hellow kitty underwear..woot -its an odd feeling when you know ur wearing cute underwear. Its kinda like you know its cute...but no one else knows. ALSO i purchased a new top from dangerfield and its HOT so watch out..cos i'll blind you all with my hotness when i wear it out...yeah damn straight i will.
SO after browsing the art galleries we went off in search of cheap noodles and found a vietnamese place on swanston so we got noodles and soup. After that i can't really remember what we did but we stuck around for awhile and looked at different stores and eventually made our way back to melb central.

It was a GREAT day overall. and I'm glad i went out and spent the last of my cash....now i'm broke and i didn;t get as much as i thought i would in my last pay. So i'm gonna cut my spending...although i did buy the new love hina manga - i haven't bought a dvd since...three weeks ago..so i'm okay on that front...i have enough anime to last me forever...UTENA is great btw...awesome anime, i'm glad i finally get to watch it.

here are some chords, now start a band:

midnight star - midas touch
taking back sunday - the union

JAMES IS A MUTHFUCKER! AND DESERVES TO HAVE HIS BALLS LICKED BY CAMEL IN AN OVERCOAT.

losing the battle


Well i'm back here again on a boring sunday night. Last nite was interesting forawhile...then it got weird and i hated to rest of the nite. I was so tired i slept all the way home, it was good of carlos to give me a lift home...i owe him one - even though i get the feeling he will probably never take up the offer of a free ride of from me when i get my P's...in fact i think everyone will be alittle scared to sit in a car with me at the wheel ;)

I was sick all this morning - and i'm getting sick of being sick all the time. I think something must be wrong with me because this keeps happening. Im starting to think maybe its genetic - or that i'll have the same problems my mum has been having recently. I took some drugs b4 so hopefully i'll be fine for the rest of the night...my morning was hellish and i won't go into details because it wasn't pretty...actually it was pretty tame considering other times i've been sick...maybe im getting better, but i doubt it.

myer has cut back all my shifts,...but apparently all casuals are getting like one shift a week right now. Apparently this is always a bad month in retail...my last shift was so boring...i couldn't stand it. It was so good to just get out of there and do something that involved not serving testy customers and standing up.

last nite a few of us went to alumbra - which is this cool bar,loungey bbq place out behind the exhibition buidling near crown. its amazing what people can do with a small shed. although i had issues with the bathroom..it was alittle too weird for my liking - i mean mirrors go near the sink not in the fricken cubicals...common fucking sense was lacking in that design.

anyway....i've been trying to re-write some song lyrics and work out backing vocals for some songs with da band...i think the boys are gonna sick of me - for the last three weeks now james has put a microphone in front of me and i haven't sung a fricken line of backing vocals for them. lol..their gonna lose their patience with me i think haha. nah it'll all work out eventually...eventually...im working on it.

*sigh*
i think im gonna finish this up and watch a bad 80's movie...anime wise - i have new naruto eps and episode one of bleach now....interesting stuff it all ez.

Forget what you know:
kelly clarkson - since you've been gone
utada hikaru - first love (bohemian summer concert)
jay-z linkin park - encore/numb
beastie boys - sabotage

THIS POST IS DEDICATED TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHOM HAS EVER BEEN FUCKED AROUND BY THE NATIONAL BUS CO.

I AM SICK of this. it is not summer timetable anymore - SO WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BUS!
YEAH okay so i don't have my p's yet - and even when i get my p's i won't have my own car so i'll still be forced to take melbourne's shitty excuse for public transport every day to uni and work. ANd while im thinking of making a complaint - i have made a few in the past - this time i really can't be bothered. HONESTLY. they should get their friggen act together.
anyway. i have to go and be driven to work now. THANKS FOR FUCKING NOTHING YOU STUPID FUCKING NATIONAL BUS FUCK COMPANY FUCKERS!

Stem - Shiina Ringo

There's a door here, but it will not break

There's a stone there, but it won't remain

Up there a heaven now, but it will not wait

And the lies there, the scent of it, just too much

So should you,Sow it once and make it grow, the sweet clematis

Let it flower, and paint it all of the colors bold

Instantly things fall and fade, return to silence

Why oh why, why does it all feel so sorrowful?

Dreams of what is real

There's a breath here, but it will not break

There's a face there, but it won't remain

Up there a heaven now, but it knows no name

And the stain is the color of red through red

And thus,

You cannot cry, confuse the lies, try to remember

When you rise, you take your steps with a strong desire

Time goes by, a breath it comes, like something given

Why oh why, why have these nightmares not long expired

The real is but a dream

From now on,

Should it grow and open full, the sweet clematis

Flower bold, but there's no need for rejoicing more

Precious life, this life, just once, it comes just one time

Keep it close, keep it from ever just leaving you

Crying tears confusing fears they are no longer

When I stand I know I'll never be down again

Nothing that I need now, once it comes just one time

Somehow, somehow, someone, ah

Entry Number One

I was just reading a fan fic and I've had this feeling all though it - something wasn't meshing for me. It wasn't as enjoyable to read a second time (rewritten) round and then a thought just hit me. It's not real. None of it makes sense nor do i find it believable at all. For the simple fact that this fan fic took real people and threw them into a fictional situation involving other fictional characters to work off. And it just doesn't work for me anymore. The characters are annoying now. Fan fiction is a weird thing...and it can be good or bad. And i've read alot of good - stuff that I can relate to, and right now its just unbelieveable and unrealistic. When it comes down to it, fan fics are just written by girls who idolise or want to sleep with famous rockstars or characters in a show. Im sure there is already O.C fan fiction out there about Seth and Ryan getting with the "female cast" but really its just the authors putting themselves in the lead roles. And reading about Zac Hanson - someone else's version of him - its kinda weird. I mean I've never met the guy, I'm sure he's nice...and nothing like the million different Zac's I've read about. Which is the annoying thing about fan fics - they perpetuate a myth about famous people...its all lies..and we'll never know what these people are really like in real life until we meet them. I've been over this so many times - But i'm not over it. I am in the sense i no longer have unrealistic expectation myself - but when will there be a time when we just leave it alone? i guess im experiencing what so many other extinct fan fic site authors went through awhile back...when it no longer feels right reading/making up stories about REAL people's lives.

anyway, thats all i wanted to say.

I went to doncaster and boxhill yesterday with Tristan. We had lucky cup and walked round to all the anime stores....so that was nice until we got bored and started walking around mindlessly in target and centro. i purchased the love hina vol 3. manga and ghost in the shell: innocence dvd...woot. the day before yesterday i bought a sponge bob dvd with TEN episodes on it...woot. I should stop spending money though, i spent 250 dollars on biotherm products last week, and 170 on paying off laybys and buying the DEAD LEAVES & Sanjuro dvds. also i bought some levis for 100 on sale...and i got a 60 buck jacket from supre - i only bought the jacket so i could put this reallly nice pin on it that i got from toxic. So I'm wasting my money basically on just stuff....and its annoying me. Don't get me wrong, i love the stuff i bought, but i keep saying that i'm gonna save up and as yet i haven't saved a cent.

I need to fill out my swinburne form and send it out this week cos its due by the 10th and already its the 5th today...so i'd better hurry up otherwise i'll miss out and be a bum for the next year.

I saw the incredibles last nite. I liked it alot. I think Pixar did really well with the action family adventure thing. And the animation was AMMMMMAAAZing. go see it.

anyway i'm off to watch ep 115 of naruto - *muah* keep cool.

playing with the new ipod right now...putting on some actual good music...my sister is driving me crazy. She's become the bedroom nazi and the ipod nazi....i swear i was so close to slapping her. anyway i think i mite go shopping for some bed sheets...i feel like something black and red...no more of this pink room therfore pink bed crap. Christmas sucked, except when i saw lisa and watched house of flying daggers with her...the movie rocked my socks off...andy lau and the hot guy from chungking and fallen angels was in it..so was the chick from crouching tiger with that name i can't pronounce. it was cool go see it.

I love my taking back sunday cd...its awwwesome. i'm listening to "number five with a bullet" right now. its cool. can't wait till i get paid...im going shopping for some new stuff...biotherm products are ammmmaazing. and i've found some cool basic tees and singlet tops from giordano really cheap..so im gonna go there and get some stuffff...woot. and my astroboy delux box set...wooooooot...hmm and i need some popcorn to pop in my all new totallly awwwesome popcorn maker complete with those crazy popcorn boxes you get at the cinema...woot.

It's that time of year again...and if i hear one more christmas song i'm going to scream.

Seriously, I am OVER it. I'm not over the presents giving and buying part - But I'm over stupid customers, bitchy customers, and the crap myer forces us low level sales assistants to listen to for 9 hours straight. Nothing turns you off a holiday quicker than working in retail or listening to crap christmas songs which are lyrically retarded and go something like this "I'M GEETTING NOTHING FOR CHRISTMAAASSS"....ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!*SQUEALS at the end of the argh* my ears.....anyway..im working 12am(midnight tonite) till 8am friday morning....I had such a hard time explaining that to my parents, they kept getting it all the times and dates mixed up...grrr... so im trying to get some rest now because otherwise i'll just fall asleep on my feet. Like who the hell is going to come shopping after 2am at myer? And the rest of the center isn't even open except for myer so whats the point? I know if i was still doing chrissy shopping i'd rather go to highpoint or chaddy for the 24hour shopping in the whole center not just crappy myer. not that myer is crappy - no only the eastland myer is crap. lol ;)

well i gotta meet up with lisa some time tomorrow hopefully and write up our fancy chrissy cards - yes we have expensive taste...but i'd rather send out nice chrissy cards than crap 79 cent ones that all look the same. anyway i gotta get some more sleep b4 tonite...stay cool kids.

listen to me:
Shiina Ringo - Kuki
usher - if i want to

watch me:
oprah's favourite things
willow
freaky friday (lindsay kicks Hilary's ass)

listen:
the avalanches - frontier psychiatrist
ollie and jerry - there's no stopping us
the chemical brothers - come with us (you must only listen to this song with ur speakers turned up to 11 - or 10 if they don't go that far)

Well i have some news for this week. And i thank my lucky stars (and god) for this one. I got into the Swinburne course! woot! i'm doing commercial radio next year! woot! i'm so excited and scared and shocked and amazed and I don't know what it was that they liked about me, but i am so grateful and thankful that I'm not going to be spending next year doing nothing. So thats one good thing about next year, its gonna be alot of work though. And alot different from doing my usual cut and paste radio. So i have alot of learning to do, but i'm gonna just throw myself into the deep end on this one and hopefully come up a stronger more mature and knowledgeable individual.

Oh well I can dream.

I have had the strangest 24 hours. I have had enough of these strange emotional ups and downs i've been having. While sober i seem fine and happy, then I get drunk and stay very high and fairly happy and then when i finally come down I'm so low that i've sunk to the deepest depths of the depression end of my emotional scale. And somehow when i woke up this morning my low was still with me. i've spent most of today as a sleepless zombie, (do zombies sleep? they are the waking dead after all) and i've been numb of anything emotionally stable and good. Even a work associate of mine (whom i don't work with that often) noticed a change in my demeanor. I wasn't rude...execpt when i knocked back the short bread biscuits that nadia made - but honestly I didn't want to work today. When i got into Miss shop this arvo i realised how stupid my day was going to be with nothing to do and no one decent to chat with (despite there being 7 girls working in that dept today). I was happy to be moved into christmas trimm dept, even though i had no idea about anything. Customers would ask me questions about the trees on display or about the crazy electrical singing santas and i would stare at them jaw open with a "oh fuck" look on my face...lol. I must admit though, speed wrapping is not my thing. even if its only tissue paper wrapping. And also i'll admit that i miss my personal care department. Yes it has its moments where it is boring and horrible, but i'd rather be there and comfortable than thrown into the deep ends into a busy department where i know nothing.

yeah anyway enough talk about work, its driving me crazy.

hyde - masquerade
dashboard confessional - screaming infidelities & For You to Notice(my anthem for the day)