the most fustrating thing right now that could happen to me.. is for my cd burner to fuck. i just used my last remaining blank cd, and now roxio cd creator has decided to BUGGER UP THE WHOLE FUCKING THING! muthabLOODYSTUPID PIECE OF POOOOO CRAPOLA FUCKING SHIT FUCK. these were just some of the obsenities that were shouted in the last five minutes at the computer when the error popped up on the screen.

So now my radio piece won't be finished till this weekend/and or monday. i have to buy another blank cd so i can transfer a few sound effects of something going SPLAT (sounds nice and bloody) into my radio project which is on the latrobe apple server thingy. unless i can use the mac's at uni to go on the net and download the sounds (im not sure if i have net access in the edit suites) i am fucked.

So thank you Roxio, my last cd, and to the stupid sound effect which it did copy. YOU fucked up my WHOLE FUCKING ASSIGNMENT YOU FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

listen:
eagle-eye cherry - living in the present future

HI everyone. wassup? i didn't get home till 6 something - i've been out doing lots of things. bumped in to julian whitty person at the bus stop at shoppo, that was alrite...then near the pines the bus decided to fuck up, it almost made it to my bus stop...just a few more meters and it would have been there. oh well...i was greeted to the sounds of Mum yelling At dad because they had to go out to dinner tonight and he was putting the clothes on the like and pottering around doing stuff when they should have left straight away. at the moe im doing my Radio assignment, listening to cds with sound fx of ppl yelling, burping, making 'excited'groans, and of doors and Key's opening and locking etc!

i'm just dead tired tonite, i couldn't wake up this morning at all. my sister usually wakes me up, that didn't happen, my mum tried i kinda lifted my head then went back to sleep, then my dad kept bring the dog into my room...which is stupid cos im on a bunk bed, the dog can't reach me from up here - thank god the dog isn't annoying like my cat has been this whole week. I have had no sleep at all...stupid cat. i love my cat, but he can be so annoying when it comes to sleep. and at 2am i like to sleep not be subject to his whims. I swear that cat needs you to just go with him to the laundry (where his food bowl is) haha..maybe he's a scardy cat. muahaha.

i need a wav sound..of someone getting hit over the head by an axe or something...

I've realised this morning that instant coffee really doesn't like me. It made me sick last week, and its making me sick this week again. I don't understand why though? Why do I have to put up with this icky feeling in my stomach and throat that makes me want to hurl the entire contents of this morning's breakfast across the room (nice image there huh).

playlist:
new radicals - you get what you give
the beatles - norwegian wood
third eye blind - jumper
xtina - fighter
nina gordon - hold on to me

First we run, then we laugh till we cry

I think im getting paranoid. Yeah. i think i am...certain little things have got inside my head. Comments, about people, things, and blogs. Yes maybe im reading into some things, but i think im now paranoid. Or it could just be all the coffee i've just consumed in the last hour. Im still not finished with my bodybuilding essay - kudos to those who took the quiz on tickle...if you'd like to take it, msg me i'll email you the link in a pretty email. So far lisa knows me the best - but i made the questions tricky on purpose. And one of two questions i may have lied on......

I'll finish the essay tomorrow arvo i think. Then get started on music and sounds for the radio project. yeeeahp. Friday morning i'll be busy in the radio edit suites..starting and finishing a project in only 2-3 hours. it may take longer though.

Okay. I saw Kill Bill last friday nite with my buddy carlos while everyone else saw Starsky and Hutch...mark told me it was okay - he didn't sound too thrilled about the film...im still gonna see it eventually so busy at the moment.. But i did watch Love actually today - and i really liked it even though i was confused as hell as to who each character was and how they were connected, most were friends or family..and others were connected through jobs..so once it all came together it was cool. I really enjoyed the couple who didn't mind getting their gear off for their acting work, but when it came to asking the girl out for a date the guy was shy and awkward about it. LOL.

When im not writing my essay Im playing games of freecell and listening to henry rollins' spoken word cds. No matter how many times i listen to it, i still laugh like crazy...and i just love the sound of rollins' voice...My personal favourite tracks on the THINK TANK spoken word album is Russia, Airport Hell, and Brazil.

i have a box of home brand water crackers in front of me (for so long i was puzzled by why they were called water crackers - i didn't get wether it was because they were made with water or eaten with water. I have images of the first fleet and horn blower eating water crackers out at sea) and this box is white, boring as hell, no interesting serving suggestion images just this huge ass barcode! Made extra big for easy scanning. Fuck its huge. its almost as tall as the box itself.

hold me love, I can't sleep again
Will I have to kiss your nose,
I wanna lay here next to him love...

"This Old Wound"


I’ve been bleeding well
From this old wound
Cleaning it with salt,
So it will still feel new
Sometimes eyes turn black,
And sometimes scars are tracks
But every time that you’re gone
I wish that you’d come back


And everyone watched me waste myself
And everyone cheered at last
And all of them found it comforting
Its better it’s me then them.


I think I’m doing well from what they say
They’ve taken both my belt and shoelaces away
Well I believe in luck
I think I do
Well I believe for sure
If ever I see you


I’ve been fanning flames from these old coals
Feeding them with tender
And hoping they will grow
And I’ve been savoring
What I can’t hold
A blind belief in goodness
That doesn’t seem to show


But I’ve been bleeding well
From this old wound
Cleaning it with salt,
So it will still feel new




- dashboard confessional

What do women want i saw a book titled that in the lib yesterday when i was looking for references for my bodybuilding essay.
I've figured out that If theo thinks women don't know what they want, then he is very wrong. We know extactly what we want, we just know we'll never get it from any male on this planet. If you get rejected by a female - obviously your not what she wants. Women aren't fussy or picky - we just know what we like and what we don't like.
So my new assumption is that Men only think that women don't know what they want. But its the opposite. We know what were looking for, but i think the main problem is where do you find it?

Today Theo and myself got into one of those conversations about relationships with friends. And the old age argument that males and females can never just be friends. Okay well it got well off topic, but the idea of dating friends was the main discussion. He argued that its better to be friends and to get to know a person first - I said that sometimes knowing someone too well can be bad, then he pointed out after i said that my first relationship was with someone i hardly knew, that i had jumped into it impulsively. Ultimately in my case that may not have been the right decision, and i think i agree that next time i'll be more careful. BUT it is possible to be too good a friend with someone and then try a relationship which is just too awkward and odd. We both agreed that some friends you just don't see them in a certain way, some are just strictly friends and other you kinda think about as something else but usually nothing eventuates from that (in my experience, i dunno about theo...never insult him about him getting with chicks- its something he doesn't take lightly). Theo was telling me about one of his good female friends and how one night she kissed him then the next day acted like nothing had ever happened. My guess is that sexual attraction got in the way of their friendship for a moment and she probably was wondering what he'd be like, so that kiss was basically just to confirm something she either already suspected or knew and she probably did it just to get that sexual attraction out of the way. Obviously she didn't mean anything by it, but left Theo very confused (and he's easy to confuse). So basically by this stage Theo had concluded that Women don't know what they want. But Men do. Theo also said he was an honest guy (but i can only take so much weird bullshit theories in one day). So do women know what they want? or are we a confused lot?
Theo did go on to speculate that guys who are insecure with themselves are usually confused and don't know what they want either...but is that saying women are also insecure. probably. I countered with "But most women have a list of what they want in a guy" theo countered that with a blunt "Women are too picky".
He thinks that every guy a female rejects could have been a postive relationship/partner for her, but because she was too picky she passes it up not realising this. Theo said i would probably end up alone...he said that jokingly of course.
I told him he could come visit me and my cats.

Okay, i believe in attraction. Its not always about looks, but i feel there must be some kind of attraction or some feature in a person that stands out. If any old joe comes up and asks you out, i'd expect you would say no unless something about them was really appealling to you.
I know that being rejected by someone is not the nicest of feelings. But obviously everything happens for a reason, just have to figure it out before its too late. and that's what fate is. And that as they say is that.

$130!!!!!! YOU must be kidding me! I would even pay that much to see ...ANYONE! let alone Justin Timberlake. No. im sorry, but you won't see me there unless by some miracle I get 130 dollars to spend on a concert ticket. Anyway, i'd rather see the producers right now than JT.

Evelyn's To do list for this week:

Photocopy cinema and media stuff
Write 500 word cinema topic statement
Write Media essay, approx 2000-3000 words
Find sound fxs for radio piece

...I really don't want to go to uni tomorrow. Maybe because i know it'll be another class where i sit and get bored for a good hour and a half, then finally find myself in front of a computer at 12pm helping people who don't pay attention in class...why oh why. Then at 1pm i'll leave, get a bus, then maybe another bus or a train, then another bus home. Then by about 3 i'll be home...and then write my 500 word topic statement. Or sit in front of the ps2 for a good hour and a half.

I just don't want to wake up tomorrow morning at 6am. This morning i slept in, and i would have slept in longer if i didn't have to get up because the woodfire heater thing ppl were coming to install it at 10:30...but they turned up at 9:30. totally catching me up awares and in my pjs. I could have slept in. I haven't slept in all week, and i've been on holidays. But when i have uni, i don't wanna get up. I just want to stay in bed...Ok truth is, im not having a great time at uni. I sit in boring classes, while the topics are interesting, the lack of interesting people annoys me more. I have made friends in the radio class, but in animation i sit alone (almost prefer it though) and in the media class the girl i talked to for the first three lectures has disappeared...Okay, i snubbed her off - but only cos i wanted to sit further in the back. Im more comfortable in a lecture theatre when im not up close...But in animation i sit usually three rows to the front only cos in that room less ppl sit in the front, andtherefore less tall annoying ppl will sit in front of me and obstruct my view. What annoys me most are the people who are late and come in half way during a film and always choose the seat in front of ME. shit always happens to me, I always get looked over in a class, or stuck in some weird awkward situation. Im sick of it. I shouldn't say the words "SCREWED UP" to describe to logic audio programe when it fucks up. Especially not to my lecturer, cos it just sounds vulgar and stupid. But hey, thats me. The girl who burps and plays ps2, and is weird, and used to chew blue tack (actually im kinda not ashamed of that. Most kids ate dirt or crayons.. but obviously my love for all things gummi springs from my early blue tack chewing). Basically i feel fustrated in that class, like im surrounded by idiot people or idiot tech people (seriously, the woman who takes us for the logic audio tutorials is a boring, dull woman who repeats the simplest of steps and treats everyone in the room like they have never even seen or used a computer b4 in their life. Honestly, how would u even get to 2nd or third yr uni if u didn't know how to use a comp or do the most simplest of functions like SAVE).

The only thing good about uni at the moment, apart from the radio stuff when i go wild in the editing suites, is when i see lisa or go shopping with theo. Or when i hang with jon and chris and others. To me uni is boring. Without the random social interactions with my friends, uni is just another dull place with stupid people, bad lecture theatres, and boring lecturers with monotone voices.

But maybe tomorrow will be different? Maybe something will happen. but then again, maybe not.

music:
black eyed peas - weekend
Maroon 5 - this love
dashboard - as lovers go


I had the strangest dream last nite. I won't go into details but it was odd. You know when you have dreams when the person in ur dream is someone u know, but they look like someone else? well i had something like that happen. The dream was probably a result of the phone conversation I had with steve earlier yesterday. Anyway.

Final Fantasy X-2 IS GREAT! im loving it. the dress sphere changes rock, okay can get annoying in the middle of battle sometimes, but its pretty coool.

My birthday was last thursday. I had a good nite. almost everyone turned up, and i think ppl liked the cake. But i was suprised with the getting of presents, to be honest i was happy with everyone just turning up. It was great having morgan there, hadn't seen her in awhile, and seeing everyone else was very cool.
Afterwards at the irish pub in donnie, that was alrite...me and theo (he's my new drinking buddy) had a good time. But thank you to everyone who came, i appreciate that you came along to help me celebrate my birthday. it was a good nite all round i think.

I went shopping friday, got the dashbaord cd with the bonus dvd. Just watched it. It kicks booty and makes me go all "AWWWWWW" and mush like. Well i gotta give credit to any guy who could do that to me..sadly its a guy who i've met once and screamed at him "AND I REALLY LOVE YOUR MUSIC". ...lil chance of anything happening with a guy who lives in America anyway. I know what those rock idol crushes can do to a girl, and it can leave u pining for a hot blonde guy who ultimately will never know you, and never love you because of the fact that you are a fan. Right now the line "But i can still dream" usally would sit here, but its stupid to create these little fantasies. I don't think i want to succumb to those unreal dreams and unattainable goals.

oh btw. there was a tiny tiny article on hanson in thursday's herald sun. www.fansfromoz.com but only if u care to look.

im gonna go now. and play some ffx-2 b4 i have to start my reading for uni tomorrow...hehe. can you believe its only been like one week? feels longer some how eh.

17 PEOPLE!

wow. i'm amazed - i didn't think I could organise anything AND that people would actually want to turn up to it. So tomorrow nite, dinner and movie after ya? It hasn't really hit me or anything yet...im happy...not fully excited. Well im excited about the organising - since organising that lil minature shindig for carlos (and when i say minature - it only involved one bbq, one flashlight and approx six ppl...but was very fun) I've got a case of the organising bug.

Okay, sooo what have i been doing of late...lemmme think. Well the other nite a few ppl came over for boardgames..i missed the first nite at mark's house due to a weird sickness that hit me while preparing prawns for dinner that night...but I had lis, eamon, mark and carlos over for a very lonnnng time..but it was great. I got to make coffee for eamon, played scrabble badly, and went for a walk at 3am. i think it was three am. They didn't leave till 5 something..but i didn't mind. I had fun :)

last nite went to ROBOT BAR with mark, carlos and eamon. It was cooool. Had SAKE! i liked it, made me feel all warm and squishy and ...my hands and wrists just felt reeeeallly cool. They show anime on tuesday nights, and while the anime was patlabor which i find kinda boring and slow...it was still cool. I'd like to go back there again soon. and try some more sake. Then my bro came along, and we all hung out and finally after walking around finally we went somewhere..then me and red's left...then went to macca's drive thru. We criticised the terrible indoor deco and the fake plants, sang a little of the cheat theme song and then finally got my large mc chicken meal (reeeallly good mc chicken burger and the chips were super salty).

today i went to doncaster...my mum is stupid and doesn't know how to use a phone..and takes forever to do things.
I was in the cue store today...and....omg...i saw the nicest skirt and this amazing coat....and they have pants..reallly nice black pants. I love that store...i just wish i had a job or a reason to dress up all nice and business and cue like every day. But first i'd have to find a job that would support my clothes shopping budget, cue is not cheap.

Anyway...i m stuck. i'll post something that i wrote last nite up here later....

Hi ho everybody.

I've been wondering about alot of things lately. Like why is it I always have odd socks? and why is it the world is a sphere..and not an oval shape...or like a rubix cube..cos that would be cool. alittle squishy though.
But no matter all this, I am still here and ready to write a blog for you all. Well my weekend was dull. I baked cookies on sunday, used all my mum's lint chocolate bunnies to make them, now she's pissed. But she likes the cookies anyway.

I have to buy mum a b'day present, i have nooooo idea what to get her. Probably a norah bloody jones cd...but i really don't want to subject the rest of the family to that.
My parents are thinking of going away for the weekend, starting Friday. So they'll probably be gone for the few days of easter, but will most likely be back for my b'day.
I shouldn't go away, too much reading I gotta catch up on. And anyway, i like being home for easter. Mite go visit grandma and my uncle and have easter lunch with them on the sunday.

Im currently researching an essay on male and female representations in bodybuilding. Should be an interesting essay. I mean i could have gone with the Mulvey feminist question but the sport of bodybuilding is reeeeaaaly weird and interesting. I mite have to watch the films pumping iron 1 & 2 - which are interesting documentry films on the subject.

I've been looking at a few websites of late, white ninja which are really weird, dark, yet humourous cartoons. Also i've taken a liking to a few cosplay sites, http://www.acparadise.com/ this one is for female cosplayers - look up the final fantasy series and you'll find some prettttty coool costumes. Most are of Yuna from FFX- but its pretty impressive to see these fans dedication to cosplay. this other site makes anime wedding dresses destiny's ending.

anyway, i got some books to find.

YAY!

two reasons I'm feeling YAY!

1. I just finished an assignment
2. I've almost downloaded all of a utada video. WOOOt. 5 minutes to go!

BUT im not so yay now.
1. because i just got burnt by scolding hot water in the bathroom. My father has a habit of using reeeeeeaaaaly hot water when washing his hands, and we all have a habit of being next to use the taps and get burnt.
2. Because stupid people. ie. My father - are asking me questions which have already been answered by myself BUT he's too fucking dumb and stupid and FUCKING IDIOTIC TO listen THE FIRST FUCKING TIME! arGHGHGEFHDJKGFSEARGHAFJKGAJK.

gfSDHYFHERJKGFEJKGFERKGTJEKFTMKLERGJUIERGFHUG.

i STIll don't feel better after that out burst.
wait.

ARghghghwguejlfrnhkfweftheidfjklwejkflfuck ehfriekfrhweufdefnjkefnsdfmuthafuckersdhfsjfjkhejksfrejsfhdjfhksefsdjkasd
nope.

sfhsdfeayfrgasdfhawjkdhrwkdrjilswjfuckwnhawsjkfhskfjiefrklefseilfhjfhkfjkswankadgsufgejgfrwjdsijdwuhwduckheadhdgahsjfsjkfhasihkasjlasdkillgsdfdhsfeufhksfhsdjfhskkillgjdjagdruawydrwuagfsfhusdfhksdfhsuaujuddfjsdfhasasfkhsdknifeufhysukhuhayihalahdalfhufJKASDLASBLadeuhukhwkadasdhawkwijwuhdfjhfdsfhjssfhshfkiwiBaka!

okay. i think im done.

Im thinking about not doing honours. I was thinking about doing it - but i don't think i want to write a 12,000 word essay. I mean im sure i could write one, and honours would look reeeeaally cool on a resume somewhere, but honestly i think i just want to get on with it. At first - my first year i was having a hard time I just was miserable for most of the year. I totally got all caught up with doing my assignments and all I wanted to do was get out of there and finish this damn course. And then last year things got harder work wise, but things were also looking better. Some how having lisa there kinda balanced things out. And this year, well i don't see lisa much...or any one else other than Theo - which is okay cos me and theo hang at shoppo - we are insider shoppo hangers - and i don't mind looking at guy stuff and we talk about cool shirts and belts and stuff. And theo has another fantastic idea - start a cleaning company. Yeah. he can do the cleaning, i have a deep hatred for anything that requires using a vacuum cleaner. But on the upside if i clean the house tomorrow i'll get 40 bucks.
But getting back on track - this year I finally feel comfortable. Like i know what Im doing, and its great because Im starting to find people i like. And everyone else i know will be there longer than me..and i kinda don't want to miss out on being there for another year. I feel like another year and then I will be ready to get out of there..i don't mind the idea of honours, honestly because i'll get to spend more time doing things i finally like. Im loving my radio subject, im just bummed that i couldn't do more subjects last year...But now im thinking the post-grad thing might be a good idea.
Maybe it is time to move on from latrobe. in 2002 all i wanted was to leave, and now im here im finding it hard to want to. But its been my plan to do this post-grad thing or do jmc academy after i get my BA. so maybe now is the time. I feel like I haven't done enough in my life, and i just want to do as much as I can now. I don't know why now is so important, but I need to get out there now and start experiencing more things. And career wise, fuck the part time job - i'll never get one, i should be thinking about what I want to do and radio is looking pretttty good to me right now. But we'll see. who knows, in a few months i mite hate it. But i doubt that, right now i doubt that. Anyway the post grad is just a year...at swinburn..arghhh...down near our old hang out - glenferrie road. woot. oooh viva. mAYBE i'll apply for honours and post grad..and if i get honours i'll take it..and if i don't i go for the post grad..but if i don't get offered that then i'll do...something else. .....hmmm. Or maybe i should take a year off? work? get some money happening so i can pay for the post grad. and pay off my hecs. I feel like i should keep studying though...i'll look into some other options. see if i can find a music course or something. Im just afraid if i take a year off i'll totally slack off..and i'll forget how to write essays and such. I mean the day when i won't have to ever write an essay will be...the greatest day of my life...but until then i don't wanna slack off too much. anyway. OOh its downloaded...my utada video..that i've been trying to download since sometime last year..........finally.

boogie on down:
Koffee Brown - quickie
Pulp fiction soundtrack - Jungle boogie
Timbland & magoo feat missy E - up jumps the boogie
Eddie Kendricks - boogie down
Kenny loggins - footlose
Irene Cara - Flash dance (what a feeling)

Ninja's and Pirates

i'll finish this tomorrow.

Ok. so here it is. the blog i said i'd write again. But now i don't feel the need to write up the same stuff as yesterday, so this will just be about today and the previous couple of days i suppose.

I've realised that my internet at home is stupid and doesn't refresh blogspot pages.
anyway. i think i've done some thing stupid. I volunteered my services to the la trobe channel 31 tv program. Which is cool. But this means now i have responsibility.
BUT to any of you out there with nothing to do on monday @ 2pm come along to the athenaeum theatre(did i spell that right?) 188 collins street for a darren and brose comedy festival gig. It should be greeaat. and for those of u who like their prey young, i believe a few high schools will be there so come along and check out the show and sum chicks mate. But it'll be full of uni humour and these guys always put on a good show so come along. Im not sure if it'll cost you anything - bring money in case - but probably not. Well i dunno..i mean i know i will be getting in for free.
And i mite as well help them out monday, i mean...i got nuthing better to do.

Meanwhile, i applied for a job yesterday! woot go me. You should see my resume. its damn funky now. Its amazing what a change of font and a few lil lines can do for you!
I've been thinking for awhile now to change this blog skin. I found a great one of beyonce and it even plays music...when i can be bothered i'll change it. But changing requires re-doing the tag board and the comments. Not that its hard, its just annoying. Please TAG my lil board. it's feeling lonely. and please write me some comments. nothing stupid. i don't want to be flooded by annoying useless comments again.

also i'll update my website again soon, i'll change the pictures and buttons around again, i've recently cleaned up the site and my geocities account cos it was full of old pictures and stuff. And i mite put up a few select pictures or something. There haven't been any new pictures for awhile.

I've also been writing again. I've decided maybe its time to get myself motivated and write something about what i know about life. I was thinking of having only two or three characters and creating some kind of relationship between them. But i don't really want some joey-pacey-dawson love triangle thing cos thats been done to death. Also i've been writing lyrics. maybe soon i'll put some up here. Cos i mean that was the original point of this blog to post lyrics and stufff up. My own lyrics - i usually post other people's stuff cos it means something to me at the time.

I was talking to james the other nite. (i think he's avoiding me on the net - like most ppl- or thats just paranoia talking) and he was making his own blog which is v.cool - but he said that i was a blog queen cos i have soooooooo many archives etc. Well basically cos i've been doing this for awhile pretty consistently. Well rite now i've decided to look back on my blog - see what I've written. And im really still as confused about things as i was two years ago.

Nothing has changed. And thats pretty depressing really. Im still single. But im not crushing on two guys as I was back in April 2002. I couldn't remember who the second guy was but now i've figured it out lol.

So much has changed though. How i feel about things. Instead of wanting to be in a relationship - if u read those blogs from 2002 i was pretty interested in those things, i have a lot of blogs/rants about relationships - but right now i choose to be like this. I am single by choice now it seems. And im okay with it. Seriously. I am okay with it. But i guess right now im falling back into that "bUT IT would be nice to kinda have someone.." thinking. But if all i do when im with someone is wish i was somewhere else with someone better than maybe its best not to even bother with these things.
So i shall become a nun and live happily ever after with a cat and eat chocolate for when ever i get 'those' cravings.

If you read blogs from March 2003 you'll see im very much depressed with being by myself. But honestly, I must like the single life..*shruggs* i dunno. its just i don't feel the need, and im glad im like that. That im not one of those people who needs someone constantly for comfort ot reassurance. Maybe this means that i've accepted who i am and who im going to be. Maybe this means im happy with life and where im at right now. and thats not such a bad thing is it?

i just wrote a blog. and now its gone.

fuck it. i'll write it again later.

'I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.'

I feel like I've been wondering around. Lost in my own thoughts for too long. I feel like Im waiting to wake up any moment now and all this will be a dream. The un-satisfying ending, but an ending and a beginning to all of this. I suppose i would feel cheated if I was to wake up and realise everything I'd ever known so far was only a dream. But sometimes I feel like im watching life rather than living it. I've always feared growing up. Getting older. and wasting my life. I think I'm wasting my life right now. This time next year, i don't know where i'll be. I had it all planned out - and then i went to university and my plan changed slightly. Now its changed indefinitely. So now I fear not being able to get a job, now I fear all my dreams have died, now I fear the change that's to come. Some how this litany of fear is comforting. Some how the ideas within it, the thought of it is almost calming like it would be to the fictional bene gesserits. But my world is non-fiction. There are so many realities within realities. One person's lifestyle would seem extreme compared to mine or vice versa.

'To the world you are one person - but to one person you are the world.'
Is this how I used to think it would be like? That I would be stuck here, living this mundane existance. Im confused about a few things at the moment. I read something the other day - about things I already knew about myself, but seeing it written, from another total neutral point of view was alittle scary. Maybe i do need to change my ways. About how i play the game. As i was watching today, 'Love is a game. Easy to start. Hard to finish.'
When i say game - i could be refering to the game of life..etc. depends on how you want to interpret that. I know how you all will anyway. so that was pointless. anyway.


sneaker pimps - walking zero
blondie - heart of glass
de la soul - stakes is high
new order - blue monday
sweetbox - unforgiven
pete murray - please
basement jaxx - get me off


Im drowning in what pity is left for you
here in my heart only darkness surrounds
what i used to believe in was you
Now only i remain
i feel the weight of the world on my shoulders
you've drained me emotionally.
I want to walk on my own
i can do it without you
i know that it'll hurt you
But im too tired to care

Whats happened? to all of us. What happened to the traditional forms of communication? No one writes letters anymore. Letters were personal, usually hand written. And there is no other feeling quite like it when you recieve a letter in the post. Someone out there cared enough to write you a letter, stamp it, then send it. But the traditional methods of communication concerning the letter is beginning to die now that Email has become the most common form of communication on the internet. Its quicker, you don't have to deal with ques at the post office just to buy one stamp and the other person is just one click away from the send button on your screen. But email is one of most annoying things ever invented, because its become a chore. You need to always be checking for junk mail, you get sent these stupid chain-letter emails, and usually viruses and other nasty thingys get sent to your inbox. The only thing Post mail has to worry about is the odd anthrax letter, but that sort of thing usually only happens in America.
But the other point I wish to make is how impersonal emails can be. Okay, i have had the odd occasion where someone sends me an email, and its the most expressive thing and a true insight into the other other person's mind, but usually its the "Hi, how you going" type of email. I can have conversations like those any time. But email has become the way we all communicate with each other now. Its good, because it can reach everyone quickly and it doesn't cost a thing if ur using a public computer and hotmail. So it does have its advatages when organising events and things alike.

My other concern is the lack of telephone conversations. We now use msn, icq, irc, aim etc. We chat sometimes once a day, a few times a week. Most people now have mobile phones, which means you can reach people anywhere, no matter where they are - as long as they have good reception. So we chat on our computers, we chat on our phones using text messages. But what happened to the long phone conversation? The one that went for longer than an hour, where you'd stay up all night just talking about anything and everything. The kind that leaves you feeling afterwards that now you really know a person. And just like mail, getting a phone call from a desired person or from a friend is also one of those little pleasures in life we sometimes take for granted. Speaking now from my own experinces of late, i don't talk on the phone as much as I used to, like back in Highschool i would be on the phone to one of my friends every single night. But since everyone has gone their own ways, I hardly hear from some people unless their on the internet. And sometimes talking to them on the internet is so different to what it would be like if we were to talk in person, that i just choose not to talk to them while on msn or icq. Because the conversation really would go nowhere, like so many I have with alot of people. And I prefer to talk in person to alot of people, because that's how we met, that how we are friends. From the conversations and meetings we've had. Not from the long night chat conversations. I don't meet many people over chat anymore because I got bored of the same old thing, the same typical "getting to know you" conversations that usually start with some horny nerd on the other end wanting to see a picture of myself and asking if i have a bf.
And why would someone in the US want to know if I have a bf? their too far away it shouldn't even concern them (unless it concerns the content of the chat).

Now, we are too lazy to pick up the phone, pick up a pen and paper. Or are we too "busy". What's so important that we can't take just ten minutes, 15 minutes of our time to write a letter or call someone? But it seems we're never too busy to blog or to meet up with people for a couple of drinks or a movie.
This blog is just an example of what free time I have. I have archived blogs from 2001, from when i first began this blog to now. Some even have two - three blogs that they keep up in their free time. I always have time to come online, like i always have time to write in-between classes at uni, during those breaks I could write a letter. And sometimes I did. Back in first year I wrote heaps of letters, but i never sent them. But i have a blog, so now instead of writing letters and telling people how im doing or how i feel - people can just look on this site and get some sort of idea of my going-ons and happenings. So that means basically once people read my blogs, then i see them in person or talk on the phone - every time i mention something they just say 'Yeaah, i read your blog'. Im glad people are reading it, but now i have nothing to say cos you've read it already.
But now instead of calling people, writing emails to people etc, we just look at a person's blog. I admit it, i read blogs. I love blogs and online diaries. I read some frequently, and others less so. But its now got to that stage where all we do is read blogs and diaries online. And now all i do is write these for you. And i don't get any feedback from any of you, so I feel like this is a one-way conversation - and its become a conversation with myself. I used to nag people to read my blog, now i don't have to because this blog is the thing that stands between me and other people. This is what people refer to when they want to know something about me. When they can't be bothered to call me they read my blog instead. Now everyone knows i talk alot, and i probably could talk about myself a whole lot more than I do on here. This is not an accurate report on my life though. Due to censorship reasons, and for the sake of some people, I do not write everything. And it angers me that some people just read this blog, and then don't bother to call me or talk to me when they could get so much more out of me than they could out of this blog. But then again, this blog is me right? what i write here is me? At least some part of me. And i don't like how some people are using blogs as a battle ground for their own hate and insecurities. If there is a problem with someone, fix it. Don't just talk about it. If you really care about the people around you, don't just call them or a be a friend to them when it suits you. Don't just say, 'I do care.' but how? By reading a blog? We all do this, we all have limited our communication by creating these blogs. I admit that i am also at fault by taking the time to read a blog, instead of writing an email.


Lets get a little communication back into our lives, considering we are living in a communication rich age, where the ability to speak to someone is only One phone call away, or even just a text message. Be impersonal if you have to. But it would be nice to see sometimes just one person taking the time out of their 'busy' lives and just say hello. So how come its so hard for us to communicate? How come its so difficult to just be honest and say what you mean and feel? If we have all this technology, if we could call someone at anytime we want to and just have a chat, then how come we can't do it? Is it because we feel no need to? or because we don't want to?


if you have any opinions, or understood the above HUGE paragrahs please leave a comment or write in the tagboard. thanks.

playlist

Johnny Lang - Breakin' Me
Taking Back Sunday - You're so last Summer
Utada Hikaru - Letters
Yellowcard - Way away
Usher - Yeah
DC - so beautiful
Hanson - penny and me (i've been watching the clip of the video Over and Over and Over)

Random thought:
That Zac Hanson is so hot right now.

Idea for a post:

The internet, blogs, and You.

Want to know how im feeling? because reading this saves making a phone call - or bothering to contact me. But im not gonna make it easy on you. The song lyrics below are almost exactly how i felt about half an hour ago. Rite now, i don't feel anything except this numb feeling..........because i no longer care.


How's it going to be - third eye blind

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore,
Before you take a swing, I wonder what are we fighting for,
When I say out loud, I want to get out of this, I wonder,
Is there anything I'm going to miss, I wonder
How's it going to be, When you don't know me,
How's it going to be, When you're sure I'm not there,
How's it going to be, When there is no one there to talk to,
Between you and me, 'Cause I don't care,
How's it going to be,
How's it going to be,

Where we used to laugh, There's a shouting match,
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch,
A silence I can't ignore,
Like . . The hammock by the doorway we spent time in, Swing empty,
don't see lightning like last fall when it was always about to hit me, I wonder

How's it going to be, When it goes down,
How's it going to be, When you're not around,
How's it going to be, When you find out there was nothing,
Between you and me, 'Cause I don't care,
How's it going to be,

How's it going to be
When you don't know me, any more
And How's it going to be

Want to get myself back in again,
The soft dive of oblivion.
Want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion, oblivion

How's it going to be, When you don't know me, anymore,
How's it going to be,
How's it going to be,
How's it going to be.