litany against fear

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

- Bene Gesserit quote from "Dune" by Frank Herbert

Rango ...good but long.

It's been a bit of a slow day for me. I enjoy my Sundays off work and they've become a bit of a lazy movie/tv day for me. Mostly I was watching the movies and reno 911 episodes I've taped over the last few weeks(months) and deleting them off my PS3's hard drive. Today I decided to watch Rango while I ate my disgusting can-soup lunch. The soup was no good, but Rango was surprisingly entertaining despite being perhaps 20 minutes too long for me.

Rango follows the generic fish-out-of-water plot of many animated kids movies, similar to "Flushed Away". Rango is a neglected pet lizard that lives a lonely existance. His only friends are a plastic palm tree and a plastic fish toy in the tank that he lives in. He dreams of adventure and gets it when his tank is destroyed after falling out of the back of his owners ute.  He ends up in a small town in the desert called "Dirt" and quickly takes up the persona of a gun-slinging sheriff. After a massive blunder the town's water supply is stolen and bigger conspiracy is at play here. His lies become bigger than him and he begins to believe that he really is a hero.

What I most enjoyed about the film was it's animation style. The film has a very distinct artistic look and is beautifully animated. While I was watching it I couldn't help but compare a few of the characters to Tim Burton's female characters of "Corpse Bride" with their big eyes, heads and thin necks.

There was a good mix of action and comedy, especially scenes with the hawk. The spectacular chase scene was exciting and definitely an inventive take on a western chase sequences. My only gripe is that the story seemed to slow down a little towards the end, especially when Rango and a mis-fit crew journey to return the town's stolen water and again when Rango is exposed and leaves the town. But this is only a small gripe. The script is veryt and has many nods to classic western films and even a Clint Eastwood-esque character thrown in there to complete the homage. Most of these references will probably go over kid's heads, but adults watching will certainly appreciate them. There is a light romance between Rango and a strong female lizard called Beans, that is underplayed, but what makes this plot point perfect is that there is no sickly sweet romance so that young kids will not be put off by it.

Overall it was really good and I see why the director decided to keep all these crazy off-beat characters and crazy plot points in the film even if it did drag the flow of the story. This is released on DVD this week (July 7) which is perfect timing since school holidays start this week. Should keep parents happy and kids occupied.

8/10

Engagement Party

So I had my engagement party on Saturday and it went really well. I was so excited about it and I was so worried that no one would turn up, but everyone did! The venue looked amazing, Cookie had pink and orange balloons delivered and set up in the room. Everyone loved the food but I hardly got to eat any of it - and the cake! OMG the cake - it was a massive white vanilla cake with butter cream icing and the decorations on the cake matched the engagement party invites with little love birds sitting on a branch. It looked very home-made and was yummy. And when you cut into the cake the inside cake was orange and pink marble effect. I only just finished eating the cake today and it was so tasty.

I got my hair and make-up done and wore extremely painful shoes for the first hour of the party. I'm just so amazed at how quickly the party went, but the time it was 4.30 I thought that only an hour had gone by. I'm now a little worried that my wedding day will go so quickly also. I don't want to be too drunk or miss out on eating all the good food.

It was a great day and everything went smoothly and I was all talked out by the end of the night. The party was over by 7pm so we went home and the girls took me out to the cinemas to see "Bridesmaids" which was surprisingly funny and not too overly sentimental. I thoroughly enjoyed it and the organic popcorn which was sweet and salty. YUM.

So the engagement party is this Saturday and I need to organise a cake and balloons for the party decorations. What is a typical engagement cake? I keep finding pictures of cakes covered in love hearts. They are all kind of boring to look at and so girly. I don't get why they are so girly - and the cakes all seem so silly.

I really like the idea of having a bride's cake and groom cake, which is a very American thing to do for a wedding. Two cakes may be over kill - but I like the idea of the man being represented because after all, it's his wedding too. I don't think men like flowers, pearls, ribbons, bows, love hearts and other girly things on their cakes. It wouldn't surprised me if most men didn't even give a shit about the look of their wedding cake.

I think that I want something simple and yummy for a engagement cake since my wedding cake is going to be kinda geeky. I have so many ideas running in my head that I wish that I could just do everything - except it would be the most expensive wedding ever.  I think it's time I came up with a date for the wedding. Getting sick of telling people that I don't know.
Meanwhile I've been reading the latest sookie stackhouse book and I'm loving it. After I read this I'm going to start reading game of thrones ;) god i love that show.

First thing is done - I'm organising my engagement party for the 25th of June. YAY. Now I just have to hurry up and do some invites and then pay for the damn thing. Relatively cheap for an engagement party. I thought I would be spending more. I'm paying for food and drink only. Room hire is included in the fee.

Now I need to draw up some invites. It would probably be easier to just pay someone to do it but I was thinking of just printing some off myself. The wedding invites are what I should be spending my monies on. I was looking at Scandinavian art earlier, and I found these Darla Horses. I really like the patterns and brush work on them so maybe I can slip this into the invites? I really need to use photo shop. And I really need to buy a printer. I think that would help a lot. lol.

Went out to dinner last night with friends and the Cookie man...lol he doesn't like being called that. Went to Mad Mex on chapel st, it was really yummy and then we went to san churros and ate churros. I had the spanish hot chocolate - it was more like chocolate sauce it was so thick! We saw Gracie there, an old friend who we need to catch up with pronto. 

It's mother's day today so I'm going to go see my nonna and mum.  And I finally got my ring back from the jewelers, so I can show my nonna. My engagement ring broke the other week. I had only been wearing it for two weeks and one of the little claws around the diamond just broke off. I was so upset because here I was trying to be so careful with it and it still broke. I was mostly wearing it on a necklace while I was at work because when you do what I do, which 70% of my job is putting out DVD's on a shelf, you kinda have to use your hands. I get scratches and little cuts sometimes from putting my hands in between the shelves to get to stock, and the ring just kept getting knocked around. Also on a side note I realised that for someone who is right-handed, I use my left hand a lot.

So I have my nice shiny engagement ring back and now I can finally show it to all the people who haven't seen it yet. It was getting embarrassing telling people I was engaged but didn't have my ring on me to prove it. Some people kind of think that if you don't have a ring your not engaged. I'm kinda like that, but as long as a rock of some sort was used during your proposal - your engaged.

Anyhoo, might go look at some more wedding porn. thank you offbeat bride. you are my new favorite website :)

Obsessed with being obsessed

I have a confession to make, I am completely obsessed with wedding magazines. I especially love the features on real couple's weddings. Obviously some of them have been professionally planned and all the photos are professional, but I can't help but love their ideas and I want to steal them all! 

It's gotten to the stage though that I've been having wedding dreams, I haven't even set a date yet and I'm already stressing about the ceremony and the reception. I have to admit though that a few people's comments have gotten to me. But after reading my new bible Offbeat bride, I have a new sense of "whatever". I mean who gives a shit if someone else thinks that my ideas are kiddie - its my effing wedding! I will not dress my bridesmaids in olive. I refuse to serve boring wedding cake. I don't want what everyone else wants - I am not everyone else. Although I guess thats what every bride thinks of themselves.
 

Getting engaged has been one of the most exciting things to happen to me of late. I don't remember being this excited ever. I was really excited when I met Kelly Clarkson last year - I mean the build up for that was crazy. At first we didn't know if we were going to meet her, and then it looked like it wasn't happening, and then suddenly we were walking through the back entrance to Rod Laver Arena and standing in line waiting to shake her hand.

This engagement has been much the same. It all started when our close friends decided to get engaged and do the whole married thing. Cookie and I have talked about it in the past, at one stage for about 5 seconds we wanted to do it badly, but after I moved back to Melbourne and we began living together we didn't feel that rush to want to walk down the aisle. We were comfortable functioning in our own special way. We didn't need a piece of paper to say that we were legally a couple - we just knew it. I am not a romantic person either - I would say that I have my moments, who doesn't, but I've never really considered myself to be that girl. The type of girl to settle down and do the whole shin-dig of a wedding.

So when Lydia and Deniz tied the knot in a beautiful elegant, fun wedding that was when I started to think "Well maybe this wouldn't be so bad". I didn't know I wanted a wedding until I was at one! I mean the cake alone was enough to make me re-think all my pre-conceptions of boring weddings. Look I haven't been to may weddings, singing at them with a choir in primary school doesn't count because I honestly have not much memory to go on, BUT the weddings I have been lucky enough to be invited to have been wonderful.

Maybe it was the cake, the free booze, or the fact that in a few years I'll be approaching 30 (which scares me half to death), I suddenly really really really wanted to get married.

There is a moment in Twilight Eclipe, where Bella expresses to Edward that she wanted to get married - not for the cake, the dress and fab engagement presents - but because it was a way to bound her and Edward together in every way possible. You can't get closer to a person than by marrying them.

So getting back to it, the idea of an engagement was in my head. And I started hint dropping like nobody's business. Turns out that Cookie was receiving the hints loud and clearly and was planning his own surprise. So when Cookie said he wanted to go to the Gold Coast for a holiday it wasn't just to do the theme parks, it was to propose. And I guessed it weeks before hand, but I didn't believe it until he was kneeling on the balcony floor of our hotel room with a tiny ring in a giant box in his hand. I still didn't believe it - and I won't go into detail but I did swear...alot.

So now we are engaged. It's been two months now, I've only worn my ring for about two weeks of that - and most of the time it was securely tied on a necklace. So now the fun part begins. I get to plan two parties. An engagement party and then a wedding. I'm very excited but I have no idea where to begin. Lydia gave me a book called "Offbeat Bride" and I've read it over and seen the website. It's perfect for me because it's totally what I need right now. I need someone to say to me that yes my ideas are good and if you want to have a mario and princess peach cake then go ahead! So thats what I'm doing. I'm going to create a wedding that reflects mine and cookie's taste in the finer things in life. Like video games, music and maybe a few film references thrown in for good measure. It's gonna be fun, it's gonna surprise everyone and maybe I'll remember to blog and share whats going on in the lead up to the wedding. Thank you so much for reading and please share any comments you have below! xoxoxoxoxo ev

Wow its been a year. Need to clear away the cobwebs and dust this blog. Honestly, the last year was one of my worst years. I've had enough - I've reached my limits and I'm sick and tired of fucking stupid people. I should find that t-shirt mark s once made me for christmas - it read "so many stupid people so little time" with a picture of a girl kicking a guy in the nuts. That's so me.

I feel like i'm trying to go back a decade with my music tastes (i know technically its not the start of the new decade till 2011). Maybe because thats when music was exciting to me, I'm finding everything dull again and i've had writers block since 2006. I was watching season 1 of the henry rollins show on dvd earlier today, and it was filmed in 2006 - and i was thinking "shit, that was like 4 years ago. Where have i been?". And I know the answer to that. I've been here, having fun not worrying about worrying and stressing myself out over stuff that just doesn't matter. I'm gonna go back to the way things used to be. Every year is just another step in the right direction. I'm a very ambitious person, and I think that got lost in the past 2 years. I won't sit back and let things happen. I am the only one that can make them happen. I am a very lucky person - i've always somehow had the universe on my side and I've always gotten what I've wanted in life. Somehow I'm gonna get what I want again - i'll steal my luck back if I have to.

so pace the stairs to your apartment:
Taking back sunday - set phasers to stun
As cities burn - our world is grey
phantom planet - california

It finally feels like summer. ick.
39 today - i know it got pretty hot yesterday, very warm outside. Lucky for me i was inside the whole day. Ok well the main reason for this post is to tell everyone that UTADA HIKARU HAS A BRAND NEW ENGLISH SINGLE AND ITS AWESOME. It's very "no-air" if u know what i mean - but without chris brown. Meanwhile, a chris brown duet is probably what utada needs - he's so hot right now. Actually what would be cooler is a rhianna duet - it could be like the brandy vs. monica boy is mine kinda thing. That would be hot - and would probably give utada an automatic no.1 hit. Rhianna is hotter than chris brown right now - she pretty much can do no wrong on the charts. ANYWAY - I know my taste in pop music has totally gone down hill. Lately i've been listening to a few classics, anyone remember ace of base? I think its time for a 90's rivial. It's funny though, music from over 10 years ago i now consider to be classical? Whitetown "your woman" is no mozart. But it was a great one hit wonder none the less.

Okay so i've been getting off topic - Utada's new single is "Come Back to Me" - its a love song pop ballad of course. It's alot different to her previous english singles. More like her japanese songs - those of you who know utada's Exodus album will know how experimental some of her songs were. I think this album will definately be more focused than her last english album. I think the new single is very reflective of whats popular on the charts right now. It does remind me of jordin sparks alittle. This isn't a bad thing, it's utada now doing what she does best. Her vocals are beautiful as always. She even does a little speaking bit in the song - lol. its cute and cheesy. *SIGH* im getting all excited, but utada's last album never even made it to australia. I'm gonna have to hit up some reps at work if i can find out if its on the schedule for this year...

http://www.myspace.com/thisisutada

im gonna go hang out in front of the wii. feels like a good time to do some animal crossing.

WELL

this has been a long time coming. My private place on the net is still here. I'm kinda glad, it's like a little homecoming for me. Blogger has always been the place to get the skinny on me - and i guess im just returning to my roots now. myspace gives me the shits and facebook is full of text and stupid stuff i can't keep up with. I just want to write. not anything fancy. just want to get all these words and thoughts that are stuck in my head out. And im guessing that most of my friends no longer check this, so maybe its finally a "true" space for me. Ah well, i've never tried to be anything but myself on here.

so back to my diary blog - its like im letting the world back in again. Exposing myself once more to you..whoever you may be.

It's almost christmas. I've been working as a dvd co-ordinator since march now. I'm no longer in with the radio crowd. I've just drifted away from that career path and thrown myself into retail once more. I enjoy my work. I love working with different people and I love a challenge. I miss music more. I miss being creative in pro-tools and production and that. I kinda really love it when i get a chance to do a display at work. I get all arts and craftsy again - but all i have to work with is yellow cardboard, black textas and red ink. ahh - i still make one hell of a heroes display. in fact one of my Tinkerbell display came second recently in a contest. I won a disney prize back full of winnie the pooh soft toys. I'm gonna share it with my disney merchandiser - she's great and did most of the work...i've still got a massive tinkerbell hanging thing at work next to my desk. I have to say though - i've made some good friends at my new workplace (10 months new). Courtney is an amazing person to work with - she runs a tight ship. I never thought i'd find an ally in her when i first met her. I thought she was older - not that she looks it - but she was just so serious! I felt like a fraud. I was so scared and lost when i started. It took me a few weeks to find my feet. I'm still discovering things about the place. The shop is so old that there are hidden bathrooms, bordered up staircases and leaky cellings.

I realise now that i haven't disclosed a whole heap of information about where i work. Um, i just don't want weridos annoying me i guess. I just work in the dvd dept for a hi-fi store. thats the gist of it.

I've recently discovered that I am a lazy work-a-holic. I've mentioned this on facebook - but what i mean is that essentially im a lazy person. I am at my best when i am doing nothing. I'm more than happy to stay home all day long and do nothing but waste time reading, watching tv and dvds and playing my rpgs. I enjoy work - there are days when i don't want to go. But there are alot of days when I really want to go to work and accomplish something.

Twilight is my new obsession. Don't read past blogs - cos then you'll know what an obsessive personality i have...but twilight has re-ignited a passion in me that I thought i'd lost. I find myself wanting to write again, to re-tell stories that had been in my head over 7 years ago...and not just fan fiction. I think its more my love for a romance and adventure. Sounds very mills & boon but i promise its not. Maybe what i need to do is take a creative writing course, might help me re-learn grammer and spelling and how to write a correct sentence that doesn't sound like shit. lol

paramore - i caught myself


i might get to work early tomorrow and get a head start with some GH world tour. nothing like a bit of guitar hero in the morning.

i think i've run out of things to say. till next time.

Its funny how happy I am now knowing that this time next week i'll be home in melbourne. No I don't have a job, but we'll see where life takes me for the time being. But just knowing that i'll be home soon makes muswellbrook seem not so bad. So this week will be really busy for me, but positive. I want to leave muswellbrook on a positive note.

I think these 6 months here have really made a difference - I love being independent, although i think having jules here has made it easier for me. I mean i've had someone to look out for me and pull me into line. I think I've improved alot announcing and production wise. I'm being more careful with work, although this week i know i've got alot of work to do but i'm getting lazy. My announcing tonight is terrible, i wouldn't want to use any of tonight in a demo.

hmmmmmm....im excited to be going home. And ya know what, im not worried. Things always have a way of working out and in the end i'll get to where i want to be.

its been awhile since i've posted here.
I've taken more of an interest in writing on the blog i've got going on myspace.
myspace.com/onlyclouds - its very current. Has alot of stuff about me, what i've been doing recently.

I've resigned from my powerfm job - just had enough of it and there are some other things i want to try out and give a go. So right now i'm scared of whats going to happen, but I know that everything will work out fine. As Jim said to me yesterday, Things just have a way of working out.

never say never

Well I never thought i'd get this far into my day and just want to die of boredom. I'm tired, I can feel a headache developing and i have to speak on the wireless in 24 seconds.

Okay crisis over.

Well i got very fired up last night, probably about nothing. I just feel so helpless from this far away - and i hate to say it, but I do feel left out. I don't think I should be left off - or out of something just because i am not there...that and i feel like my opinions and thoughts on some topics will be ignored. I put hard work into everything I've been doing lately and all I want is some acknowledgement for my efforts. Then again, what does everyone want most of all? To be acknowledged, praised, adored and accepted. thats what i want. except the accepted part although Julie thinks that i'm obsessed about other's opinions of me because I am obsessed by clothing brands and trends. I agree with her to a point - but its not one of the things i think of when im getting dressed in the morning.


listen:

Nelly furtado - promiscuous
gnarls barkley - crazy
rouge traders - we're coming home

I have plans, and i have no plans to stay here any longer than i need to. I've been taking advice from people left and right - and everyone has an opinion. I tell people that im planning on leaving in a couple of months - i think they don't realise that i've been here for 3 months already busting my ass for people who don't give a shit. I know for a fact that no one will give u a pat on the back - No one will praise you or thank you for giving up 5 weeks of your life to cover their arses.

Everyone i've spoken to are like...Ohhhh should u really be doing that? They don't exactly agree with how i'm thinking. No one wants me to make a mistake, no one wants me to give up and leave. But then again, no one but me knows what i want. Alot of people understand how hard it is to be away from home - no one knows how much i miss home. I cried for the first month I was here. I cried every single day. morning and night. I cried on the phone to my family, i cried on the phone to my friends. i cried on the phone to cookie for so many nights. A few times a week here i find myself crying or teary eyed.

So whats better? stay in a town I hate, live 15 hours away from friends and family. You know, i don't know what I want. For a career, i have no idea what i want to do. BUT i do know where i want to be. I've never felt more at home than i have with cookie. and it sounds weird coming from me but i know that i want to be based in melbourne. no matter what, thats where i want to be and live. Maybe not forever - home is wherever cookie is, i think i'd be okay living almost anywhere as long as he was with me. BUT seriously - whatever happens next i know for a fact cookie and i will be together..and that makes the next few months seem alot less harder to deal with.

Do you know what I feel? Do you know how I feel?
Well if you were me, if you were in my position - if you gave up one of the best things in your life - you'd feel like I do right now. You'd feel like you just had the wind knocked out of you. You'd feel like you had just been slapped in the face. You've been replaced. She's better than you. But you always knew that you didn't have the talent to be great at it. But you wanted it anyway. You jumped at the first opportunity. You scrambled at it - you didn't think. You never think. Your pathetic. And now you want it back? And now your jealous, but you always knew you would be. You always knew you'd have a hard time accepting and dealing with the idea. Change is not something you respond to well - especially if it was forced. So there goes your chance. You closed your eyes for a moment, you got caught up in the career you thought you wanted. You forgot your dreams and your aspirations. And so here you are, hating every moment of it wishing you could go back to the way things used to be. Silly girl. Everything has changed. Your a fool to think you could walk back in. But you know that, you know it all too well. And you know that you would have been driven crazy by it all. But you hate what you have, but don't we always want what we can't have.

i think i've hit a new low - crying at work for like the tenth million time. Usually its Jules who can make me break down in tears at work. Im seriously, not this emotional. I've never been an emotional person like this - everyone has their moments but this is getting ridiculous. Im just tired of the pressure, of not living up to others expectations. Im still learning, i'm still making mistakes, no one is perfect and i am far from it. I had hoped that i would have grown out of this by now, that the homesickness would have stopped, that I would have settled. I still don't consider this my home at all. I know im not ready to move on, but i'd rather be anywhere but here right now. I think there are some things i enjoy alot, and some things that i hate. And im figuring out what i hate pretty damn quickly. I think i might focus on going in a different direction, or at least figure out what i want to do.

I think some people think i complain too much.
I know that when I feel like i've been hard done by, or when I feel upset - im gonna want to vent. If im upset by something - its too hard to bottle it in. I've done that before and its never made me feel better. Its only ever upset me more, made me more angry than if i'd had just let it all out in the first place. Im really trying to keep it together - and yeah I might react to some things wrong. But when someone is one thing to ur face, and something completely different behind ur back, there is only so much crap you can take. And i've had my fill. I'm not gonna defend myself - no need to do. I don't need to justify how i feel to anyone. If you don't get it, then you don't get it. Simple. No matter how much i might try to make u see my point of view, you just won't. I like to be right. I don't like it when someone hurts my ego. no one does. but i won't take someone else's shit lying down anymore. I find it funny when someone can't define or pick on simple moment when i've done them wrong. Some people i can pick heaps of moments and incidents. its unbelievable what i can remember about some people. I can pick one moment when i was pissed - or when i was happy. Thats how i remember things. i guess im not as numb as i used to think.

OMG how boring is the band U2.

Original of the Species is the most boring fucking song on radio at the moment.

Right now i love

All american rejects - dirty lil secret
Yellowcard - lights and sounds
dead day sun - still
End of fashion - shes love
arctic monkeys - i bet you look good on the dancefloor

work is good. i'll be flat out tomorrow. so yeah. pro-tools is loving me sick. haha.

oh no look what you've done

myspace.com/onlyclouds

wrote a massive blog there last nite while doing my on-air gig.

Im not in the best of moods this week. it's only tuesday and i feel like the walking dead. Looked at a nice place today...Julie is worried about moving. I've told her about my three month plan. She doesn't want to get into anything if i'm just going to leave after 3 months. which is fair, wouldn't want to stick JR and Julie with three months extra rent to pay. If i could find someone else to move in that would be fine, but i guess in the worst case scenario i'd pay the extra three months rent. 6 months would probably be the longest i'd want to stay, i think if i could settle somewhere i'd change my mind about staying here for longer than 2 months. We'll see. I don't want to stay here for ages, but this house we saw today was reaaallly nice. I'd be interested in moving there right away. I think it would be good for all 3 0f us. anyway. gotta talk on air in 3 minutes.