I've been thinking alot of things over today, and i've realised what i am doing wrong. which is writing exactly how i feel in this blog. So if u read anything in the past few hours, ignore it. i was pissed off.

I've changed the template. I have to edit it and stuff now. its not as funky but i like it. Since blogger has been revamped all the old templates have disappeared!
Meanwhile, HOW GOOD IS THE FIFTH HARRY POTTER BOOK? it was very exciting. I won't go into details about it at all, cos i don't want to spoil it for those smart people who are reading the book, but itz alll good.

YOU MUST ALL GO AND BUY THESE ALBUMS:
The Juliana Theory - LOVE
Michelle Branch - Hotel Paper
Third Eye Blind - Out of the Vein

Yesterday i wrote this HUGE post. and u know what, when i clicked the post & publish button I got a friggen error instead! So all that effort...wasted!
Well tonite is THE juliana theory gig, and i am very excited. Its gonna be very very cool.
I did feel like writing b4..but i've lost that inspiration now. and my right hand has freezed up. so this is particularly difficult to type.
anyway. i'll write more tomorrow when i actually have something of interest to report ;)

I am gonna die. of stress. is that possible? i remember watching 'beauty and the beast' the tv panel show - not the disney film- and stan would be saying "There's no such thing as stress..woff woff woff" and all the beauties would be arguing that it was a medically proven condition.
Maybe this isn't exactly stress, maybe its the panic starting to set in. Maybe i should start kicking myself, cos this is all my own fault. OK. my problem exactly is this. I have two essays due on monday, thats tomorrow. they'll both be due by 4am.
Now my Radio Theory essay took a couple of long hours to write today, but its done and finished and i'm almost satisfied with it.
My researching the media essay is a different story, not that it will be harder, its 2,500 words i think i can do that. But it requires a 2nd piece of research to compare and contrast with. So i'm manically looking on the internet for policy research, or research done on eletctronic entertainment and parental monitoring and regulation. So while i'm looking for 2nd piece, which only has to be short, i've just realised i probably could have used the research monograph i had on community views and the australian broadcasting tribunal, cos that was like policy research, and..i'm fucked. there's all there is to it, because simply i have been too fucking stupid to ARGHHH. ok, so its 7:14pm now sunday night, and i have to write a friggen 2,500 word essay - which has no 2nd compartive piece, and hardly any references. My university career is over. i might as well give up, but knowing me i'lll still do the damn thing, and hopefully i won't hand it in on tuesday, cos then i'll be fucked.
I should have started this yesterday at least, and i should have done the radio essay during last week, cos i could have done it then, but i kept fucking around cos i wasn't sure wether i should have gotten an interview or not, i see now it probably would have been a good idea if i did, but i didn't so fuck it. And i'm beginning to feel tired, and i have no caffine.

ok songs to get down and boogie to:
Feel good time - Pink and William Orbit
Ben Harper - Diamons on the inside & WIth my own two hands
Marliyn Manson - this is the new shit
good charlotte - boys and girls

ok i'd better get back to it. *muah* i hope you all survive exams and ur essays.

I am impressed. Blogger has this whole funky new look. I know those of u reading can't see what i am seeing, but its funky and prettty. yeah.
Anyway, i've been so busy lately, lots of work to do and still to start and finish. This weekend i have to write my whole cinema essay. which sucks cos i really wanted to go out tonite to dinner @ georges with justin &co. but sadly, alas i am forced to sit here and stare at computers and ugly books all weekend. Monday i'm hopefully taking steve to the footy, and i mite be able to get extra tickets to the game cos i have acquired some very very very good afl membership passes ;)
Yes, well the essay i'll be working on today is due on tuesday arghh! its about the affect of miramax and indpendent cinema...blah blah..i haven't actually read the question yet, so i'm not sure..but its about corporate stuff etc. Yeah, not too hard cos i already know alot of stuff, i just have to pick two films to write it on. which mite mean i have to make a trip to the video store...woo.
anyway i'd better get offline, things to do ppl to sms and cancell plans with..grr. i hate doing that, but right now i seriously can't fail uni, and i think i'm slowly heading in that direction. I've been waaaay too slack lately, and way to distracted.
OK. byes.

Listen:
Utada Hikaru - In My Room
Third eye blind - blinded
midtown - like a movie

SONGS IN MY PLAYLIST:
Shawn Desman - Shook
Beoynce - Crazy In love
NOFX - Franco unamerican
Liam Lynch - united states of whatever
Michelle Branch - Are you happy now?
Utada Hikaru - Colours

its saturday morning. 10 am. and i am awake. i've been awake since 8.30ish. i saw the michelle branch video on rage...i saw it last nite on the net. but .life could be good. i'm doing my work, i'm starting it all, and i'll have something written down soon. but tonite is steve's b'day gathering in da city. and while i really really want to go, i know i can't beacause the amount of work i've got to do has just been piling up. and i have to do it, cos otherwise i'm fucked basically. and while i thought maybe i could get away with going out tonite..its an absoulte bitch going to the city right now. getting home isn't an option if i went out..and it costs way too much just to get home. its almost not worth it. anyway. my inner vibes and instincts..what ever u wanna call them..are telling me not to go tonite. cos i mite regret it in the morning. i think im starting to stress now. yes...panic and stress is setting in now.
anyway. i've decided that the male species suck, except for a few which i can actually stand. I think maybe i'm missing my single life. I have all these restriction..i mean i can't flirt, i've been told not to perve..but i do it anyway. I have to talk on the phone constantly..i actually have to see steve, which means organising something and i'm too lazy to even bother with things that involve organisation. i mean i like talking on the phone and stuff...i feel more like i'm just friends with steve. last nite he got shitty and threatened to dump me because i made a joke about flirting with another player in quake. lol. stupid shit to get all jealous over. seriously, but i could have my share of being jealous about all the chicks steve talks to...but i honestly don't care...i'm amused by the idea of him flirting with someone else. lol. i have my own issues, some of which i'm not prepared to share online..i will eventually. fuck it all. i can do whatever the fuck i like. this relationship isn't supposed to be serious, therefore jealousy shouldn't even be an issue. i don't care enough. whatever.
MEANWHILE. my i got my nails done yesterday. yay. lol and i got a cute little star on two of them. looks gorgeous. hehe. lol. yes i am excited about the smallest things.
If anyone knows anything about community radio in melbourne or australia. like history or about the stations syn, hitz or kiss fm please contact me evesygal@hotmail.com!!!
I would appreciate any information i can get!

i better get back to work *MUAH*

www.geocities.com/evesygal

My foot hurts alot. I hurt it yesterday while my stupid father left the house leaving the front door wide open, and then my dog who was sitting in the hallway decided to take that as her chance to make a run for it outside (and she got hit by a car last time she did that) so i ran to the door stopped the dog, shouted a few abusive words to my father who just looked like a dumb deer on the outside steps once he realised his mistake, and i slammed the door and then found myself limping back to the room and my left toes throbbing in pain. So i've been hobbling around, limping, hopping..walking strangely, whatever u wanna call it. And its painnful..and i've been really whiny about it..getting sympathy from everyone..lol. I finished my media essay at 8:30 tonite..which i'm very proud about, cos it was due last week and i won't be up all night finishing it. It wasn't that hard after all to write, i dunno why i was making such a big deal over it.

anyway. im getting sleepy. nite *MUAH*

"Try Again"

What would you do
To get to me
What would you say
To have your way
Would you give up
Or try again
If I hesitate
To let you win
Or would you be yourself
Or play your role
Tell all the boys
Or keep it low
If I say no
Would you turn away
Or play me off
Or would you stay

[Chorus]
If at first you don't succeed
Dust yourself off and try it again
You can dust it off and try it again

If at first you don't succeed
Dust yourself off and try it again
You can dust it off and try it again

I'm into you,
You into me
But I cant let it go
So easily
Not 'til I see
What this could be
Be eternity
Or just a week
You know, our chemistry
Is off the chain
Is perfect now
But will it change
This aint a yes
This aint a no
Just do your thang
We'll see how it goes...ohhh

If at first you don't succeed
Dust yourself off and try it again
You can dust it off and try it again

If at first you don't succeed
Dust yourself off and try it again
You can dust it off and try it again

[Hook]
If you dont wanna throw it all away
Might be shy on the first date
What about the next date
huh, huh, huh, huh

If you dont wanna throw it all away
You might be buggin' on the first date
But what about the next date
um, um, um, um

If at first you don't succeed
Dust yourself off and try it again
You can dust it off and try it again

If at first you don't succeed
Dust yourself off and try it again
You can dust it off and try it again

- Aaliyah.

When i first heard this song probably back in 2000, I was completely in awe of it.
It was like nothing I had ever heard before, it was cutting edge, dark and modern. The video clip was slick, and Aaliyah was like this leather clad- biker-gothic- vixen.
Aaliyah's smooth and gentle vocals just flowed over the top of the beats and jagged loops, and I was completely in love with the song and Aaliyah's presence on the screen held me entranced. And the song was dark, it didn't have this poppy bright destiny's child feel about it, it was almost like a ballad, but it almost wasn't because it was something else entirely. Everytime I watched that video I could hear every pop and sqeak, I could see the production I could see Aaliyah's music in my head. This song just set the bar for 2000 and for r&b and Hip-hop music. And I can remember waiting for the music to get better, I was waiting for this stuff to go completely maistream, because it was so good and so refreshing compared to other music at the time. And I remember being very fustrated with music, because it was taking too long to reach this perfection, that was 'try again'. Thank god for artists like Kelis, and N.E.R.D and Missy E and Timberland (otherwise i'd have gone insane a long time ago) - and all the best artists are producers these days too :)
Of course, 'Try again' was the first Aaliyah song I hade ever heard, and sent me on a frantic search for the rest of her music, because in my mind it had to be as good. And I wasn't at all dissapointed with it. Her music stuck a chord with me, and watching her on the screen in her videos, in 'romeo must die' just made being a fan of her's worthwhile. It's funny how u could never be dissapointed with her work, i know Queen of the Damned was a pretty crap movie, but Aaliyah made it decent, and vamped up every scene she was in. Even if that only amounted to about 15 minutes of screen time.
Getting back to the song, 'Try again' has to be my all time favourite song. I can never get tired of it, i can still listen to it and love it the way I did when I first heard it. So for all of u who don't have it, just listen to it, let it take u back. it may seem a little 'old skool' for 2000 now, but its still one of the best songs of alllll time.

Real Emotion - Koda Kumi

Ano hi kokoro no kanata ni egaiteta basho ni iru
Toho no kuretetari suru keredo mo modorenai
Yume ni mita katachi to wa nani mo ka mo ga chigau
Genjitsu ni wa memai sae suru

Real na sekai ni yureteru kanjo
Maketakunai
Mo tada hashiru shika nai kono mune ni kikoetekuru
Kimi wa hitori janai

Kessite furimuki wa shinai anata ni wa tayoranai
Nani ka ga areba kanarazu sugu ni kitekureru kara
Ima boku ni dekiru koto sore wa shinjiru koto
Shinjitsu nara kono mune ni aru

Real na sekai ni yureteru kanjo
Sasaeru no wa
So anata ga oshietekureta subete ima no watashi
Dakara hitori janai

Real na sekai ni yureteru kanjo
Kanjitemo
Anata ga me o tojita nara soko ni iru kizuna ga aru
Dakara hitori janai

Real na sekai ni yureteru kanjo
Maketakunai
Mo tada hashiru shika nai kono mune ni kikoetekuru
Kimi wa hitori janai

I may have posted the lyrics to this song b4. i dunno and can't remember if I did. But just a quick blog from me today. I spent four hours on the phone with steve when i should have been writing my essay. of course, i was doing some work today. hopefully i'll have it done by friday. 2,000 words is pretty hard to spit out in one night.
And I'm having trouble getting stuff for my radio essay, i'm thinking that the topic i've choosen isn't such a good one. maybe i'll just stick to the hitz fm or the syn fm topic. but doing interviews mite be hard, i don't think i have the time for them. grr. i wish i could do a really good job on the research for the radio essay, but i know i won't be able to. IF anyone knows anything about a melbourne radio station called 3XY plz, contact me. evesygal@hotmail.com i'd appreciate it.
I freaked out steve on the phone today, told him that not only did i have a fioncee, a girlfriend, a boyfriend(thats steve) - i now have a fuck buddy. LOL. i don't think he appreciated the joke. i thought it was funny.

URggh. nuthing is working for me. DATABASES SUCK. la trobe sucks. everything sucks, i won't be prepared for my thingy tomorrow..grrr. i have to be at uni by 10am. grrr. i should have made it later...but i thought that the morning would give me time. i need my sleep though. friday was supposed to be my sleep day. but it's my 'finish-essay-at-the-last-minute" day.
more from me later *muah*

IT is a grand day in the land of Ev. why you ask? Because, someone out there - in the wide world of websites - has actually updated. And it's made my day :)
But yes, i can now continue my fun online.
I have discovered one thing better than tv, and that is quake. and i mean the game for those few of u who don't know. Quake online is soooooo much fun. OK, so cos i'm a girl, naturally we suck at most video games - but at least i still try to kick some ass. I was playing it with steve this morning, i think its brought us closer together. Quake is like bonding. Steve told me today that i am the coolest gf he's had. probably cos we somehow like almost the same things. Except he likes white chocolate. White chocolate is an abomination in my eyes. Dark chocolate is so smooth, and rich, and melts so perfectly...and i dare to say it, erotic. I have had a one track mind for the past couple of days, but u can't blame me for it. BLAME the dirty dancing, blame the alchol i consumed friday nite, blame TV..and blame quake! or i could just blame steve for it ;)
I think i'll blame steve.

Today i didn't go to uni, i wasn't gonna make myself sit through another hour of pure hell called MEDIA. that is one lecture i'm gonna skip from now on. its just..HELL. pure evil. So instead i've been home, watching episodes of angel series one, and doing my semiotic analysis and talking on the phone with steve. and i played a little FFVII. and watched half a silent movie. it was all good today. But seriously i have to start on the work. i have soo much to do this week. uni work is gonna be the death of me. And i have a tutorial presentation next week. YAYness. urghh..that means i'll be hitting the video store this weekend. whoopee.

good night and bob bless.

ok. at the moment i am sitting with lisa in the computer study hall at latrobe. she is working. and i am doing nothing...as per usual.
these are such lovely computers, with such virgin keyboards...their not shiny enough yet. lol, i like shiny keys. Like my old laptop..where ever he might be...my lappy had the shinest keys around. Everyone always asked me how i wore my keyboard out so much..i just told them 80 chapters, an epilogue and still going. Ahh..i miss my laptop, things used to be so much simpler and easier with it around. maybe not simpler, it was a bitch to fix.
anyway, i'm really not doing much at all. but i just want to go home and eat and watch some tv before i get started on my work. Tomorrow is photocopy morning, yay. i know i know i love being awake at 8:30 am and stuck infront of a photocopier. All those radiation waves must be doing my head some good. *sarcastic voice*

lisa is now making pretty tables in excel for her presentation. personally i think its unfair that they made her put it all together, the poor lis was having major problems with stupid unformatted disks earlier.
I've decided that i hate all my media subjects, and i don't want to go to another media lecture ever ever again. I swear i was scratching my eyes out, and i was hammering my ears in by the end of it. The relief i felt when it was over was amazing. meanwhile today, i saw jon. The whole time he made jokes about me and steve, for the record just i have not seen his hardware yet, and matt and jon were again making fun of the hentai, while jon only realised that i mite like porn for its eroticism. Also I took jon to the library to find some dvds, and he managed to do the creepy-library-stalker-haunting thing while i was browsing the bookcases. When he started to speak after i realised it was time to take that little boy away from the multimedia section and back out into the world of "slices" where he belongs. He's so much safer when he's in a group.
LOL. i'm joking, hanging with Jon is funnnnn. lol.

well lisa is now hungry, and i must admit i am also. but i think a hot chocolate will do for now. I've already eaten bad pasta and a pie today. And i don't want to over do it. plus i so want some hot chips, but i've told myself i must stop consuming them so often, because their really not healthy, despite their...oh so yummy and fried taste....ok i'm off. *MUAH*

I haven't posted for awhile, well i did the other week. But i think i mite have something to say now. not that i didn't before. But i think i'm finally now steps closer to my ultimate goal (which for the sake of my dignity, and self-respecting pride i shall not mention that exact goal here) but yes, it seems like i'm only steps away from it, when actually i'm probably months away. OK none of u are getting what i'm talking about, but thats cool, you don't have to know everything - you just have to know that i'm closer to achieving something good in my life, closer than i've ever been before.
In other news (unrelated of course) i guess you could say that i'm not single anymore. I kinda said goodbye to single life, rather quickly just the other day. And well, i'm not really missing it, but i don't feel any different. I suppose i'm not used to it yet..i mean nothing major has happened. I feel like me and steve (his name is steve - i should have established that earlier..but i didn't), well i feel like at the moment we are just friends with previlages. which is a good thing, considering i'm still getting to know him, but i like him :).
Well we all went to footy yesterday, me, rach, steve and steve. LOL. too many steves. and i had a good time, i didn't think i would have a good time, but surprise surprise i did. It was the Carlton vs. Hawthorn match. We were all on the Carlton side. Hawthorn won, naturally. lol.

These next few weeks are gonna be tough, i have a whole lot of assignments to start, a few to finish. So i'm being kept very busy by uni work. And i hate it. with a passion.
I really do, i have no motivation to do it anymore. maybe cos i chose shite subjects, and now i'm stuck in them and their not as interesting as they could be.
anyway, i'd better do my lastest assignment, it was due last thursday :) cya.

My top five films for the week starting monday the 21st of April:
5. Nightwatch
4. Ben Hur
3. Johnny English
2. Chicago
1. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

My top five songs for the week:
5. Richard X vs. Libery X - Being Nobody
4. Utada Hikaru - Simple and Clean
3. The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
2. Sahara Hotnights - Alright Alright
1. The Starting Line - I'm Real (j.lo cover)

HAPPY EASTER! I hope you've all had a great weekend and stuffed urselves silly with as much chocolate as possible. This year I've been on a hot cross bun binge, cos their just so damn tasty. Well lst week was my birthday. I turned 19, yes i am now older and i certainly feel it in my bones, but as i've said to people, i feel older physically but mentally i've scaled down to the the intelligence of a 14 year old.
Speaking about age, today i let slip that my mom was old and she went off at me. i've made a reminder to self to never speak these words, about my mom to her face ever again, Old, Fat, and bitch. I would say that's her in a nutshell, but just getting her into a nutshell would be a more difficult task. No honestly, she's not that bad, but those three words - i must never say to her face especially when speaking about her, cos i once called her a bitch and it was a fucking nightmare. I hate having to keep my opinions to myself, especially around people who claim to be sensitive, but something just have to be said. Personally I like it when people are honest with me, and if the truth hurts then so be it. But i take it as constructive critism, and thats what i call my "judgements" its all constructive critism - so never take what i say personally. lol. anyway, i saw chicago today for 5 dollars. and it was pretty good. i've been hummming the soundtrack all afternoon since we left the cinema, so its catching.
I went out on thursday night, i don't really want to re-live the nightmare that was thursday, especially the first half of my night, once i got to goo everything sort of began to get better. But my stupid brother, he came along for the drinks, and boy did he ever drink. Everytime i saw him that night - which when we got to goo it wasn't often, but everytime i did see him, he had two beers in his hand. And from what he told me he made friends with alot of nice people in the bathrooms. LOL. I picked up. lol sort of, his name was Mark. he must be the fourth Mark i've met this year. didn't get his number so i'll probably never see him again LOL. i think its a sign. but i dunno we'll see ;) but i have plans that i must put into action soon, but i dunno we'll see what happens.

i'd better go. there is a party on tonite, but i haven't decided if i'm going to it or not. and i have phone calls to make, i want to talk with lisa, i've been wanting to talk to her since thursday - i didn't say all i wanted, so i've still got stuff on my mind i have to get off. i shouldn't keep feelings inside and just brush them off, its funny, when i'm around people i'm fine, but when i'm by myself i get really odd thoughts. ok, they borderline on depressing sometimes but thursday night i hit an all time low. i think meeting that Mark dude was a god send, cos i was certainly sinking into some sort of self depression, or self pity thing. either one.

but while ur all on the net reading this, turn on ur Kazaa and download BEAUTIFUL by snoop dogg feat. Pharrell.

my whole post was lost. LOL. bloooody hell!

i can't be stuffed now. but happy birthday to me. and i've found out that i can dance in heels but not walk in them..thats kinda weird.

my feet are cold. freezing in fact. Thats why later, after this, i am going to go outside and sit on our brand spanking new decking. it looks so inviting, i just have to sit on it and read a book. i keep borrowing all these books and cds, and i'm borrowing things on other people's library cards, so i never know when anything is due back or anything. Its all muddled up. But i have all these books to read, and no time to read them. Well I suppose i could be reading one right now instead of being on the net, or instead of watching tv i could be reading. My dad suggested that to me yesterday, and i just looked back at him in shock. No tv? for me? never, especially on thursday nights? Last nite, from 8pm onwards everything good that was on tv, was on. Scrubs @ 8, then 8.30 the kumars, the comedy gala, and the fast wordward special. Then at 9.30 Will and grace was on, for about two hours, and then Something stupid. That's my thursday nite, tv and more tv.
But today i don't feel like tv, i want to go out for a walk with my dog for once, mite give her a bath first though...urgh. I just fixed the fence. Isn't fixing fences a man's job? lol. there are no men in my household. their all big girls with beards.

hmm..i'm having template problems. i can't find one i like, and i can't make my own damn one..cos i suck with the graphics and with the whole html thing. Its just not my bag baby. so bare with me while over the next few posts when these templates keep changing.
i don't really have much to say today, except its been a weird day, i sound all nazal cos of this damn cold which is still bugging me alittle, i'm very tired at the moment, and i feel like being creative, or going to sleep right now.

I was with lisa, eamon and dan before. Dan is eamon's friend and he's a dude. i like him. It was a nice relaxing afternoon, which was good. i didn't cost me too much, except in alchol. me and lisa went and bought a mudslide shaker. it was yummmmy. but now i have no money. but i'd still like to go out tonite, but for sum reason i think tonite might be spent sleeping again. i could do with the sleep, but i think i function better on less sleep. the more sleep i seem to get, the worse i am.

I'm in a writing mood at the moment, finishing off some fiction, doing a bit of reading. I'm loving the vampire chronicles, i'm up to "queen of the damned" and i'm two pages into it. exciting stuff. i'm so excited about reading it, that i've gone and borrowed the next book "the tale of the body thief". now all i have to do is finish queen of the damned so i can start the next. and i got another buffy video..i'm loving these old episodes, their fantastic.

OK on with the music:
LISTEN to The Starting Line - Best of Me
New Found Glory - My friends over you
Natalie Imbruglia - Beauty on the fire

*yawn* thats about it this post. when i have something worthwhile to add, i shall.

my last blog..didn't really get posted till today (25th) so sorry about that. blogger was being a biatch to me last week. but its been awhile now since I've been doing this blog, and i kinda still wonder if anyone..other than my bestest buddies..still read this? the truth is, i write this blog for myself, and no one else. Just the fact that i have an audience, a small one, but still people do find my little place on the web, and some enjoy this blog, others don't..but i don't care cos this is for me, no one else. I wonder of my audience is angsty teenagers who are sexually fustrated? or perhaps bored geeks sitting at their computers with nothing better to do than read this? maybe my audience is dirty old men..and every time they adjust their pant belts, you know exactly whats on their minds...

anyway, i've been hiding since last saturday. I went out friday nite with lisa, mark and eamon..and while that kicked ass, i had an essay to write - so trying to spend saturday and sunday..preparing my mind for the essay writing was difficult. I actually didn't start writing it up till monday. it was due today. but i'm sick. so fuck it, they can take 2 percent off my mark for each day its late, i don't care anymore. GOLDEN HONOURS KEY CAN KISS MY ASS - ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT - LOL.
Golden honours key thingy is this society thingy where if u do well..as an undergraduate student..they invite you to join them...and pay money..lots of money. Not that much money..but enough. it basically doesn't do much but give u a chance to win scholarships and stuff..my mum thinks i should join it..but i dunno..i'm not exactly honour student or academic material..just cos i didn't fail a subject last year doesn't make me smart.

anyway, i'm sick now. i got sick yesterday. i have a shitty cough. and sore throat..so speaking is difficult..though not impossible. i just don't feel like talking, i guess thats why i'm on the net blogging to my little heart's content. ahh.. my heart is content. meanwhile..buffy is on tv tonite. woohoo..i wanna see spike kill a few ppl..today while i was home sick, i watched dr. strangelove & simply irresistable. ya know..the sarah michelle gellar movie..i now offically own it on video. my bro paid 2 bucks for it..so thats nice. also got a couple of shocking b-grade action films, like Reindeer games (CRAP - BEN AFFLECT SUCKED IN THIS ONE) and NIGHTWATCH..which could be good..but gets the B-grade anyway...and jackie chan's first strike..and i luv jackie chan..he rocks. but his earlier work is his best. but rush hour was pretty funny...

anyway. my head is getting dizzy. more from me later i guess.

I don't want to make any mistakes.

I've figured out exactly why I've been so scared by relationships and the like. I'm a perfectionist in that sense, I like things to go as planned. I like things to be perfect, just the way I invision them. Most of the time, nothing goes right. That's probably why I hate myself 95 percent of the time. Kinda sad though, this is my life, running scared every time someone says they like me, or want more from me. I only want friendship most of the time. I've always believed that friends are more important than boyfriends. That i'd never let a guy come between me and my friends. And as yet, i can say I haven't. Loyalty to friends is more important than chasing after some guy.

I think i'm old fashioned, in my ideas about love and romance. But then again, maybe not. I had a dream the other night, involving the hots boys from 'queer as folk'. now not going into complete detail, but the main idea of that dream was that, someone liked me, and was trying to prove that they were worth my time, worth my friendship, proving to me that it was worth it to take a chance, to risk something. If its fear that's keeping me single, then i want to get over it now.

But the truth about romance, is that there is no such thing. Everything I've read, every film i've seen. Its just not right, its never the same. I think I'm still holding onto my teenage fantasy ideals about what love is, the way people go about romance and love. I loved reading all that, pride and prejudice is a personal classic. Can a girl still find love in her early twenties with a rich, handsome young man? There are no Mr. Darcy's of this world. And while I think having a relationship might be fun or a living hell (i opt for the latter) I still don't know if thats for me or if that is what I really want from another person. I haven't had a serious crush on any one since, 2001, when i was in year 12 and it was the worst thing for me to do, was to have a crush on someone. I've always gone from one crush to the next, from one obsession to the next. And now, i kinda don't have that anymore. When i was young, in kindergarden i had a crush on a boy there, so i kissed another guy on the cheek to make him jealous. didn't really work. Then early primary school I thought that New Kids on the Block were the cutest damn boy band I've ever seen (ever known at the time). Jordan Knight was my god. Then primary school, i had crushes on a number of boys, there was andrew french, ryan, kieran (i sat next to him in grade four, and he mostly talked about sport, but he was nice), then high school rolled around and by year eight I had fallen again into a deep obsession involving all three of the Hanson boys. Taylor was my god for about two and a half years. Then there was the bakery boy, james, tom and carlos then back to tom for two weeks. There, total listing of my crushes throughout highschool. after highschool doesn't count. I may have left a couple out, who knows, but if my own history is this easy to plot out, then i reckon i could predict the rest of my life. I bet it'd go something like, finished university, tried to make it in the real world and failed, and lives till the old age of 91 in a small house with lots of cats.

I almost scared myself this week, while riding the bus to university, it occured to me, that i would be 19 this year. And next year i would turn 20. I swear my heart stopped for a full five seconds. I was overcome with shock, i didn't expect to be so old so soon. The future is ahead of me, and what ever lies ahead, i don't think i want it. Youth is fleeting, and now, youth is becoming my enemy. I guess from here on now..all i have is time. -sigh- boring.

listening material:
Aztek trip - Opportunity
Boomkat - Wasting my time
Taking back Sunday - Your own disaster
The starting line - The best of me
Ultimate Fakebook - forever, forever
Something Corporate - you're gone

did anyone else see david franj perform on GMA last monday? well it rocked. and only prooves further what a hottie david franj is...my oh my. mmhmm.
anyway, just reading msn at the moment. alot of shit is going down with these assination of the Serberian PM..and now nicole's oscar is threatened by stupid rumours that she supposedly was having an affair with Jude Law. I mean..if the rumours are true - who could blame her, jude law is a hottie. His performance in The talented mr. ripley prooved that! lol. And watching morning tv news is getting depressing, all this talk of war and phone calls to john howard from george bush...makes u wonder what their really talking about..what their really up to these politicans.
To tell the truth, i'm kinda excited about the oscars, but i always get pissed off by the end of them cos they always give the awards to the wrong damn people. I'll admit some of their choices are spot on..but lets just say, Gwenth P. for Shakespear in love? nah uh. that was just wrong.

anyway i gtg to class. bye byes

"God Only Knows" - david franj

Look at the street there's a crack in the window
Draws my attention into the kitchen
I never noticed, I never know why
Waitress is smiling up at the ceiling
She's thinking 'bout some place she'd rather be
Maybe she's restless, maybe I think too much

God only knows if she laughs when she's sleeping
God only knows what she says when she's dreaming
God only knows if she laughs when she's sleeping
I never know why

I catch the rain as it pours through the window
I do my best to make sure that you notice
'Cause I think you're someone who's gonna go places

Now I'm gonna leave before I say something stupid
I write down my number and I draw a little star
So lets run away tonight, into that rain outside

God only knows if she laughs when she's sleeping
God only knows what she says when she's dreaming
God only knows if she laughs when she's sleeping
I never know why

God only knows if she laughs when she's sleeping
God only knows what she says when she's dreaming
God only knows if she laughs when she's sleeping
I never know why

-------------and while ur at it..go download 'Help' recorded by Howie Day------------------------

It seems i'm doomed to be last. I'm forever cursed. I'm forever left with this mean face and honest mouth. Some people think i'm harsh - but i'm bluntly honest..its not my fault if the truth hurts, and it does believe me.

Today while taking the bus home i noticed my wrists. pale, except for the visible blue vein stretching under the light skin. I though about what my wrist would look like with a scar across it, the kind of scar only a blade could make. also today while traveling on the bus, i notice the guy sitting across from me :)
It makes me wonder, what makes me so un appealing to the rest of the population. Why i am always alone, why am i always stuck with being too shy, why i am always lacking the confidence i need to survive, to strike up a conversation with random people on a bus. why is it i became like this, a recluse to most people, invisible? i used to joke about being invisible girl...i guess somehow its turned out a little like that. but its also a little different. I like my friends, lisa and rach are everything. even other people whom i've lost touch with a little over time, they still mean alot to me. I wouldn't be who i am if it wasn't for them. and also, i wouldn't be who i am if it wasn't for the shit i suffered when i was younger. like they say 'what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger'. but thats a lie. i think i became weaker. i think i created different acts, different personas for certain people. I can make myself appear very dumb and very young if i want to. I can also be argumentive and opiniated. I can be the victim or the bully. most of the time i due to my..slow mind, i make myself the target of many jokes, but i don't mind, if i didn't hear it i don't care. I can be loud, or extremely quiet and shy. of course, alchol just throws me out of whack, so i never say no to a drink. but alchol is weird, i either become more talkative, more "daring" or i become quiet and depressed. and i don't want to say i'm an emotional drunk, but i think we've all had our moments. mine happened last year, and i've never touched another tequilla shot.
I used to have people tell me that i was so negative. about what? mostly about myself i guess, and certain things. its not that i am negative, i just see things differently. but i'm always positive and thinking good thoughts and wishes for everyone else. i guess i just kinda dig myself a hole and sit in it, thinking that there's no point surfacing because its shit up there..and not so bad down here. i take whats given to me, and i deal with it. despite my bitterness, my dislike, my stress. there's no such thing as stress. its just a figure of speech i guess. a word to describe something thats more to do with tiredness and the weight of responsibilty than anything else. i don't really stress, i panic. But finally, i wonder why i can't be like other people. why am i clumsy, why am i the one with butter fingers. why am i not graceful, or pretty, or why don't i have a life that is somewhat normal. why is it my normal, isn't the norm. then again, what is normal. define normality, then define reality for me. (and not just cos the two words rhyme). This is the reality of it. there's no explaination for it, for me. but thats just it, the reality is this is me. this is how i interact with people around me, even in my attempts to change how i am, i still would be me. and thats the reality of it. of my situation anyway.

jeff buckley - last goodbye

So which of the bold faced lies will we use?

it's 8:37 am. tuesday morning. at uni. using the lib computers again. and they have these new mointors..and their huge. i feel weird looking up my hotmail and stuff...cos these screens are so huge..everyone can see what ur doing. it almost feels like i'm hanging out my dirty laundry for everyone to see.

i just found something interesting on msn. its alittle media trashy cos its from 60 minutes..but i think its interesting.
moonstruck
plus, its funny. the interviewer is a riot. she's more concerned with the subject being portrayed as insane rather than to go into details about the so called moon landing conspiracy.

I wrote the cover letter last nite. I take back what I said, they don't suck that much. kinda easy really once you know what to write.
Yesterday was labour day, the public holiday for everyone but uni students, which is prettty silly. I didn't end up going to uni, public transport was a bitch, so i stayed home and watched the new austin powers flick "goldmember". its funnier the second time round. plus the dvd special stuff is cool. deleted scenes and out takes kick ass.
I also got a Shane West flick while i was out at the vid store yesterday, "whatever it takes" looks like a shite teen film, but hey. shane west is a hottie.

anyhoo. i got class. cya.