Well i can sleep easy tonight. All is well in my world and nothing you could say to me now will bring me down. I will never listen to another stupid group of people again - because they obviously don't know what their talking about. Nothing is black and white...lol. Lots of graay..or grey. That's something i'm learning, that nothing is so clear-cut or simple. Especially when feelings come into it. I'm gonna fix the way I think. My 'I'm still single"mentality has to go. Completely go. I like Cookie alot...and i don't think I can stress that enough. I'm sure alot of you are probably thinking, "Ev, we saw u the other night. you were frisker than a cat in heat"but i don't think if any of you understood any of what happened the other night, you would see that I had a bit to drink, I was having alittle fun - no one was safe from my antics and something I did out of a joke, out of fun ended up making everyone have a go at me - yeah yeah, pick on ev...the drunken girl - thats the way, fuck with my head some more kids. Okay, so it was a once off..but when i kissed bertie did everyone GO OMG ur cheating? No...that kind of thing is considered entertainment! So my P.O.V is alittle different, because honestly i think if i was gonna do the dirty disrespectful thing to cookie, i would have not done it in front of a room full of people, nor would i have picked klein. BUT none of that matters now. IN fact after this blog, I'm never gonna mention it again. Because i had forgotten it the other day, cos it didn't matter - and im gonna forget it now - cos it doesn't matter. I know how i feel - and i've been honest. and honestly, thats that. I'm sure cookie now will have to deal with the other truth about me now..lol i bet he's at james's house saying to him "dude...is she really a-" then I'm james will gives the full expose on the not so secret non-exisitant sex life of ev. Honestly - you people make me worry...but thanks nat. I feel better now its out in the open - and what u call an argument, I call a simple disagreement. But u know what - im young and this relationship stuff isn't exactly my forte, so every mistake i'll learn from, you just got to let me learn..okay. advice and telling me off is all good and well - but u know what i don't think i'll be kissing another girl so soon after this ;)

anywwway...cookie's coming over tomoz...he's visiting the sick (me) - bringing Napoleon Dynamite with him..i shall critque the film and then tell u all wether is worth your 7.50 at video ezy...

sing me to sleep:
9th wonder + BBC feat aaliyah - nightriders rmx
L' Arc en Ciel - jojoushi (what can i say...that Hyde is not only hot but has the most wonderful voices i've ever heard come from the mouth of a japanese artists - kicks SMAP's asses a million times over, plus the PV is magnificent! Ah i'm in loveee and i want moreeee vids..)
Koda Kumi - Cutie Honey (i cannot wait to see this movie. it'll be like pink barbie meets sailor moon on speed)

the new utada remixes have been put on the net - and they are awwwesome! i just wish they'd release her U.S stuff here! it's unfair if u can get it in the UK and from Germany, but damnit...she could do so well here with those remixes. IDJ sucks because of their lack of promoting artists - they'd rather see one of their artists sink out of the charts than pay money on advertising and publicity. Honestly, they did the same thing to Hanson back in the day and now their doing the same thing to Utada! arghh!!! so fustrating!!!!

anyway if u want to check out the Exodus remixes - go to www.utada-online.net/forums and check out the vault. Might only be avaliable to members...and the mp3s will only be up for a while...copyright reasons and all...damnit if i had a credit card i'd be buying these cds...

meanwhile my week has been crap. I've been sick, had no sleep. I'm stressed about uni work - can't do anything while im home sick..I'm feeling alot better today so im gonna do all the paper work and figure out who i should interview for my radio show...and im gonna see if i can pop into uni later or i'll just go in tomorrow and record some ads or something...put some music on selector or something...im sure the editing studios won't be too booked out, most ppl do their stuff during the week and not on weekends like me..so. it should be cool. I'll have to speak with Jim though...i'm supposed to record some vox over stuff - but its alittle hard without a voice!
BUt im on anti-bioticsss now, so hopefully i'll be almost better by monday. Might go in early then eh. Ahh Rulide...once again you swoop in and save the day! damnit..i have to cancel my biotherm facial! arghhh!! damn damn damn. I was looking forward to that..ahh well..

hit me baby one more time:
Bloc Party - Banquet (Phones Disco Edit)
Spoon - I turn my Camera on
Utada - Exodus (JJ Flores Double J extended remix & JJ Flores Dub #2)
Kelly Osbourne - One word - she's gone all 80's electro pop on us!

Ohhhh...

1 Thing - Amerie (remix w/ eve)
Wait - Ying Yang Twins
Ciara - Oh
brooke valentine - girlfight
okay - Nivea and lil jon + youngbloodz
john ledgend - used to love you
hate it or love it - the game
fat joe feat nelly - get poppin' (sounds stupid.)

Howie Day gives me the shivers......go listen to "Collide"NOW

I've had a weird day. Work was short - busy but good...until the end. I don't like it when people are telling me off in a non-telling me off way. What i mean by this is that a girl in the department was basically giving me attitude about the way I packed on the clothes onto the racks so much that it makes it hard to get the clothes off. I just told her I did it on purpose, i didn't mention because i didn't give a shit, and that next time i wouldn't do it. Seriously..this girl doesn't really like me...and i know this cos she doesn't talk to me ever - 'like ever. She thinks she's smarteeer cos she's like a few years older...Look i don't even know her...hardly work with her, but i know that i dislike her. So far i get on with most people at myer that i've worked with...there's another person i dun really like but i won't get into that...cos she's nice but just...i guess not who i get on with. Im so glad im working in personal care tomorrow....thank the lord...im back to my roots...woot. I need some more lip gloss in my life. I'd rather sell moisturiser and make up than sell crappy clothes that are annoyingly complicated with their key codes and apns and style codes and crap crap crap crap ...so i haven't been in the best of moods today..
A phone call from cookie earlier helped, and a few msn convos were amusing...except tristan..Fuck he'll get his GBA when he gets it...im over him bitching about it. I doný eveeen want it..he can have it. i have a nintendo ds...so much more awesome...haha..nah the gba is cool....sorri tristan. didn't mean to diss. its okay. don't cry...

I am thinking its a sign

that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images

and when we kiss their perfectedly aligned

I have to spectulate

that god himself did make us into corresponding shapes

like puzzle pieces from the clay

And true, it may seem like a stretch,

but Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled

Head when you're away when I am missing you to death

When you are out there on the road for

Several weeks of shows and when you scan

The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great

Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say

But everything looks perfect from far away,

'come down now,' but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your

Machine but the persistent beat it sounded

Thin upon listening

And that frankly will not fly. You will hear

The shrillest highs and lowest lows with

The windows down when this is guiding you home

Such great heights - The Postal Service

listen:
spoon - I turn my camera on
BLOC PARTY - Banquet - Phones Disco Edit
her space holiday - my girlfriend's boyfriend



Isn't it funny how last nights O.C only played the new Beck Guero album..alittle TKO by Le Tigre and the evil lesbian girl has a Postal Service poster in her room? her awesomeness factor just went up by 5 points...except now its gonna go down 6 cos she wants to kick ryan's ass for hanging with marissa...talk about over-doing it with the jealously. Hey that always stops me from liking someone...when their crazed girlfriend brings over her posse just to kick ur ass...hmm..i think she'd better rethink that one b4 we all hate her...whoops too late. Anyway i rather enjoyed the O.C last night..and i have to say the only reason i'm watching Big bro 5 is because of this twin thing. I find it more interesting than the people in the house. in fact last night as i was watching the girls try to get all sexy with the pole dancing i remember thinking how bloody stupid this was. anyway big bro always gets better once you get rid of the dickheads...

ahhh...today i worked. and tomorrow i'll go to uni...have a mini-disc all prepared for the tutorial. I've gone alittle crazy with the sms's to cookie i think....in fact i've been sending him heaps of messages..and the nice boy that he is replies to everyone of them! lol...except maybe i need to give it a break, too many sms can get annoying...i must be annoying him. Anyway...its a wednesday today..and no band practice...so i guess since im not seeing cookie..the txt messages will just have to make up for it...I feel like being a bit riske towards him..i dunno, doing something alittle craaazy & naughty, but i dunno...might scare him.

It's weird, and im gonna share this on here because i can't be stuffed using THE OTHER blog. lol. but honestly i don't think i've ever liked someoned this much...and it doesn't scare me - but what does scare me now, is that I am worried about wether or not he really likes me. Which is weird because Of course he likes me...because if he didn't he wouldn't go out with me at all. But considering Cookie and are still kinda getting to know each other...sharing life stories and what not...i guess i'd want to know if he's feeling what I am. I don't know why i got all paranoid the other night, i don't know why i think these evil thoughts. Is this my way of trying to bring it all down? Oh no, i'm doing it again. Im sabotaging the relationship without even realising it...again! I must be one of those people who can never let themselves just be happy in a relationship. I'm even using that word now, i'm calling it a relationship. I've made it official, and i've now got a my space page, and written next to status it says "in a relationship".
Still kinda scares me, relationships mean things are serious and committed...im not saying i'm not committed...i mean it was kinda fucked up the other night when Ben drunkenly told me that if i ever screwed cookie over i'd be in deep fucking trouble...then i had to ask weakly, "when you say screwed, what exacly do you mean?"not that i'd cheat on cookie, hell no..im not as sluttaay as u biatches think i am - and i wouldn't classify that drunken kiss with Bertie at my b'day as cheating - but seriously one of the reasons i tried to get cookie off my mind was because i was worried that yeah i'd fuck it up somehow...knowing me and my fucked up ness - and then yeah ben and james and deniz would all be like "YOU EVIL SIN SPAWN - get out of the band now before we cut of your head and place it on a spike for all to see and scream at it, EVIL BITCH WHORE FROM HELL"...or something like that...ohh why can't tortures be like the ones in hentai? lol...i'd rather be pleasured to death than malled by a bear or decapitated by a large heavy, slicing object. Yes I'm fucked. but aren't we all? ...well it'll make me feel better knowing we all are.

I know I have problems when I hit the home button on my net browser and instead of ninemsn I get hansonfiction.com

I've been waiting for some answers:
nancythompson - mind,less
from autumn to ashes - the after dinner payback
atreyu - right side of the bed

This will be quick..i gotta get to work by one so i only have a few minutes here. But I felt like a blog so i'll blog dammit. went to a bogan party on friday, sooo boring. shoulda stayed home but I wanted to see cookie. the only reason i went out was cos of cookie. hmm...been having a lot of thoughts lately, I think i need to stress less. paranoia is not good.
Also can i please remind the kind readers of this blog - at the moment i think two people read it and the rest just write stupid shit in my shoutbox - im gonna compile a list of blog links and such soon...been meaning to do that for some time. should start soon while im not as busy...have lots of work to do soon.

anyway cya.

THIS BLOG IS NOT ABOUT YOU




Atreyu was awesome. the whole night was fucking awesome. I was really disappointed about the merch...no girl sizes..the xtra small was what we'd i'd call FUCKING HUGE. pisses me off. and there were no badges! so i came away empty handed...but its okay. cos i didn't really have the money to spend on band tee-shirts. So afterwards we didn't go to next..just went home..cookian drove me. hehe. i said i'd go out tonite to some party thing at matt's house..but i think i'll just spend a night at home...u know..doing stuff.


ANYWAY here is some fantastic news - There is a Wong Kar-Wai retrospective at Fed Square's ACMI CINEMAS and it'll be fucking awesome. Wong Kar-Wai has directed some of the most amazing HK films ever. I mean that...i'm not just saying he's fantastic...his films evoke emotion, memory, and his films go from beautiful to gritty and the camera work of Christopher Doyle is always an interesting and integral part of the films. In the mood for love - is one of the most beautifully shot films, and Maggie Cheung is the most beautiful HK actress...seriously see the film just for her cos she is amazingly beautiful. But also Fallen Angels is a great film...i have the dvd - its awesome. Chungking express is amusing and sad but hopeful - and should go down in history for the best pick up line "Do you like pineapples?" lol...see the film and you'll know what i mean. Also there is like a discussion panel and all this other stuff happening...like his music videos and short films also showing...if you've seen DJ Shadow's Six Days video then you'll get a small idea of what his stuff is like...that is one of my favourite music videos btw ;)

anyway im gonna eat lunch..gotta get moving soon to go to uni.

I just can't seem to keep away from the computers eh? lol. haha...
http://www.myspace.com/nancythompsonband - go hereee and hear some rock-socking music! woot. btw, that line sounded better in my head than on here...hmm.
Okay should i talk about my previous post (scroll down first and reeead it if u like) or shall i talk about ATREYU which is on TONITE. woootttt.. craaaziness...dunno how the fuck im getting there...night take a train or just go with lisa somehow...hmm..anyway, im just alittle bored now. I should go get something to eat or something...cos class is on at 2pm. My tutorial which i thought i was late for - turns out was running late itself. So rushing around didn't accomplish anything so hmm. But it was a good tutorial...im learning and i need to think differently about the way i say things on radio. I cannor say "Now" or "Coming up" because it sounds like crap. And i need to relax, slow down and work on my breathing. If I relax everything else should just fall into place I hope...just need to get go of what inhabitions i have already i guess...its easy to hear that i'm not relaxed in front of the mic yet..but it'll come with time i guess...alot of time. No one is ever perfect their first time...and im still learning. I also need to be less negative...think positive. positive. positive.

so how bout that O.C huh? Seth and Summer back together...Lindsay has left Ryan...aww..poor Ryan...and Marissa learns that moving out isn't that fun cos she no longer has maids that will clean up after her. She really is one spoilt brat...ahh life is hard in the O.C...

I FEEL weird when i look at cookie's myspace....and i see the simpson quotes..cos thats all he blogs...and then the status which says in a relationship. Now i wouldn't go as far to call it that..and probably for lack of a better term in myspace is why its there. Relationships sound so serious honestly...scareees the shit outta me and makes me wanna be sick. Its more of a thing...but that sounds too casual. You know what - I don't think I can define it. I'll just let it be.

listen:
basement jaxx - rendez vouz
atreyu - right side of the bed
the radio head cd tremain made for meee
lil birdy - excited

Well this week has been full of angry conversations, lies, and stupid attempts to try and undermine each other. In fact I get blamed everytime someone else opens their big mouth - but i don't help the situation by passing little information on. anyway its all sorted now I hope. Just some ridculous business about who said what, who believes what, and wtf? So its time to start minding our own fucking business...but everyone will have an opinion anyway so fuck that. My opinion? Well frankly, your not gonna hear it on here..cos that would mean that i'd have to write the whole story down and i have one minute to get to my tutorial so no, thats not gonna happen now. I think people have skewed ideas about what gossip is - and i think telling someone something they SHOULDN'T know or need to know can be classified as betraying confidence and essentially gossiping. But gossip is more of a bitchy thing honestly, its closer to backstabbing that anything else. And i've done little backstabbing lately...i like to think of it as an open discussion. Say what you feel and leave it at that. If you have a problem with someone you're gonna want to talk about it - and you shouldn't have to hide what you feel honestly. Anyway i'm late now. cya

I'll be your mirror

nancythompson - Mind,less
tokyo Jihen - dynamite
coldplay - speed of sound
the mars volta - drunkenship of Lanterns


...my stomach hurts from coughing so much. No i am not well enough yet...if i speak i'll cough and right now i dun wanna do that. I was so badddd last nite..i ruined a potentially good evening by coughing up a few lungs - and i though i only had one set. Meanwhile I worked today in jewellery...NEVER AGAIN.

the Naruto movie is out on bit torrent - after only two days after the raw was posted...ahh thankgoodness for the speediness of Dattebayo - the subtitling group that i download all my eps from now...i'll start downlooading later..its 700mbs so i'll have to burn it to cd right away...even though my new comp can handle it now...oh my this screen is 19 inches and looks riduculous...i think my eye sight will get worse now because of it...and why have a computer screen thats bigger than ur head? in fact..this screen dwarfs me totally. its huge. but we have a remote for the comp now...im sooo happy..no more getting up to change or fastforward dvds and eps...Oh no..i have a remote now that does all the work for me! woot.

I put together the cd stand tremain and carlos bought me for my b'day...i've started filling it withs cds..just need to figure out a good spot to put it now...

fuck im tired...http://home.iprimus.com.au/jbos/music/04mind-less.mp3 i shouldn't post this..but i have...hehehee....its awesomeee....go get some nancythompson into ur life ;)

meanwhile...i mite watch some vids...anchorman is calling me...

also..autumn to ashes kicks ass..and atreyu makesss me wanna bleed..i loveeeee it.

i'm in love with your strict machine:
goldfrapp - strict machine
johnny lang - give me up again
utada - wonder bout
gwen stefani - hollerback girl



Oh my its been a strange weekend. I'd just like to start by thanking everyone who turned up to my b'day on Friday. It was awesome because everyone who I wanted to be there turned up. And I really did fill up that room eh? lol. Well the party was a big success and thanks all of you wonderful ppl for turning up :)
I'm currently not feeling 100% right now..so this is gonna be a very short blog. I'm gonna just rug up and curl into a little ball somewhere...haven't much energy..yet i still have a big appetite for today lol..i've been eating all day.

Well also some news for ya all - mr. taylor hanson and his wife natalie are parents once again - they've just had a baby girl in the last few days...her name is penelope :) how cuteee...he can sing penny & me to her...awww...

this layout is really starting to bug me...

Well i just did a two hour show in the radio studio. I messed up a few times - yelled fuck (but not while on air) a few times and overall it was good but i know i can do better and there are little things i need to do just to neaten it all up. if anyone would like to hear my radio shows they can email me and i'll try to make up an mp3 or something of some of it. yousendit is the coolest site for uploading files, its so easy but it only stays up for a few days though which gets annoying when trying to download large files that refuse to be downloaded. lol.
Well im at uni now, it's almost 11.30 so im gonna see jim and have him listen to the show..but it is the show i was planning on handing in...i don't think i have enough time to do another one...well i might if i come in tomorrow. There is so much to do this week i don't know when im gonna find the time to do any of it! lol. and everything cost money too. 100 bucks here...60 there..i have a phone bill to pay and my dad has asked that me and my bro both pay some insurance...all he's asked for is 100 dollars at this stage. Well let me calcualte my costs for this week :
200 - layby
100 - insurance
60 - beautician
107 - phone bill - to be paid by the 28th...but my pay day is this wednesday not the next
and also whatever is left over is bar tab. I was trying to save some money for that too. damnuts.
So im gonna be alittle bit broke...already am a tad broke.
also i have another layby which is 119 - the his and her circumstances dvd box set from EB.
but i have two months to pay that off.

OKAY well i bet ur all wondering what lil evelyn got for her b'day...well...the present listing goes alittle something like this:
minidisc recorder
hello kitty bag
ffx-2 dark aeon yojimbo & vampire hunter d figurine
toxic earrings
and the most gorgeous bracelet from lisa! its sooo niceeeee!
Also i got a nintendo ds from cookie :)

a lesson to be learned from my last week
impulsive buying is very very bad. But stores that refund are very very good ;)

HIT ME!:
cubic u - how you doing'
vanilla ice - ice ice baby
eve - got what u need
Onitsuka Chihiro - borderline

I'm sitting here with my small yet cute bottle of sanpellegrino and I am reflecting on the past few days. I've seen some weird things - said even stranger things to people - and i managed to get rid of a shift in miss shop on wednesday ;) now just one more shift to lose and im a free girl for the week....wait did i just say girl? I mean WOMAN. lol i'm 21 offically now...nah i'm still not mature enough to be called a woman..i'll wait till im about 30 or 40 till ppl can start calling me that...shit i'll be 30 in a few years. How fucked up is that. I'm getting so old. I even have one grey hair which already causes me grief....Meanwhile..hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy starts on the 28th of april wooooooooooooooo...

It's weird. I've almost forgot that tomorrow is my actual birthday lol! I'm so focused on the party I guess I've forgotten my real birthday which is tomorrow. Tremain has already jumped in and wished me happy birthday which is sooo lovely of him. *sigh* he really makes it difficult for me to not like him eh lol. new naruto ep 130 is out - im gonna wait till the BT get's busy b4 i download otherwise i'll take me forever. last time i had the latest naruto episode in one hour. that was awesome. I'm not sure about this new Utada - exodus remix..the vocals seem skewed. Honestly I think it could have been handled better but maybe because the mp3 i have is shithouse quality is why i think it sounds alittle crap...the beats are good though.

I'm so busy its not funny right now. I'm sick of it. Im sick of myer stealing all my time and forcing me to go to uni on a saturday morning at 9am! I want to be able to go out and celebrate my birthday - i wish i wasn't working tomorrow...i have alot of work to get started on. the radio ads i need to do...i've got an idea for one already and i need to come up with some music for the alley tunes ads..i've got two creative ads almost written, just need to shorten it alittle and write it out and then record it and then edit it! woot. editing should be easy because now we're using audition - or cool edit as some old skool users call it - to cut up our sound grabs and bites so it'll be easy as pie. Logic audio can go screw its self...its so refreshing to have a program that will be easy to use yay.
and i want to make some promos for my two hour program which i have to hand it on mini-disc. So i need to write that up, organise it...write everything out word for word. Be extremely organised and make it all tight etc....its gonna be hard but im looking for a challenge. I wanna do well at this course and i need to start putting more time into it now. After this week Im gonna start knocking back shifts from myer. If i don't they will walk all over me.
And 8hour shifts and band practise don't mix well at all as i discovered last night. but band is going well..i'll be recording more bass and backing vox this sunday if things go to plan ;)

I can't believe how happy I am right now! is this it? is this what its supposed to be like? When everything is going well, when things finally fall into place and I discover things when I least expected I would...is this happiness? is this what i've been searching for? have I even searched for it or did it just land in my lap? Nothing can bring me down because the last few hours have been so good. Even just simply chilling and watching dvds - its amazing how more relaxed I am and how much I enjoy just being near him. At first the idea used to make me panic, but now I feel calm and resolved to make this work because I think that I really really like him. And I'm not just saying that cos I know that he likes me...in fact I don't really know because he hasn't said straight up - but he doesn't have to at all. He talked alot more tonight, which I'm glad about and i'm still laughing over the story about his friend getting kicked by a kangaroo. I don't mind the quietness, it just makes me want him more, it makes me want to know him more. But that's all it takes, just being near him makes me happy. and if i recall last rehersal it distracted me alittle, but i think i was smiling more just because of those thoughts and knowing he was nearby. I made him go home...which i regret and i don't. I just don't think my parents would be happy with the idea of cookie staying over...i think i need to explain a few things first b4 they'd be cool with it..like tell them that i'm seeing cookie as more than just friends lol. My sister worked it out pretty quickly...lol...she reckons i have a thing for stevens - lol also she commented on cookie being thinner than me...he's all bones..but so what...i like him like that. Gosh...hear me, i miss him already...i hope he gets home okay next time i'll make him stay over ;)

playlist:
the postal service - such great heights (john tejada remix)
MSTRKRFT - Thank me with your hands (panthers remix)
sharpshooters - japanese mathematics
lemon jelly - the staunton lick
!!! - Hello? Is this thing on?
Her space holiday - My girlfriend's boyfriend
dangermouse & Zero feat Doom - Somersault


My feet hurt so much. I don't want to stand up ever again. I'll just sit here and get fat on my ass. I'd rather that than the feeling of walking barefoot on glass. had a hard working weekend...friday nite had spur of the moment go out to bar eight moment...cover bands suck and some girls will do anything on stage to get a drink card except show nipple. but i had a good time :)
I worked at myer all weekend :( BUT im free next weekend wooot! crazyness shall ensue.

playlist of utada songs:
parody
time limit
For You
addicted to you

It's weird...in a good way though. I'm weird. haha.
I've been a busy beee this week...especially yesterday it was just go go go for me. I had a rehersal in the radio studio...so i recorded my ads and practised for an hour and tried to time getting the 3aw network news at 5pm...except the clock in the studio was off by about 30 seconds! so i totally missed the news and had to cut a song and ARGHH!! its annoying me cos i haven't got it right yet. So i need lots more practise which i shall do next friday cos its the only day off i have from uni and work. Im thinking i need to go in on weekends now because otherwise i'll never catch up...everyone else in the class know what their doing and I think i'm getting better at putting on a show..but i don't have the same experience as everyone else. But I try my darn hardest! yeeehaw.

Episode 127-128 of naruto is out now! I'm downloading it off Bit Torrent as i type this...i'm excited...its been one week too long without naruto to keep me happy. I was watching samurai champloo last night...it has to be one of the better anime series to come out of japan in recent years. Also i bought myself a copy of vol. 5 of Azumanga Diaoh - did i spell that right? And I love azumanga diaoh...i got my brother hooked on it too ;) its soooooo good. So that means there is only one volume left of the series to collect and watch and love...so thats exciting. Im seriously considering lay-buying the 'his and her circumstances' dvd set. it's $119 and it would be well worth it cos it'll have the dub and the orginal soundtrack and good decent subtitles on it (not like my samurai champloo dvds which are shockingly subtitled - thats what u get for buying cheaper inferior copies) Meanwhile i have only a few episodes of Revolutionary girl Utena to watch...and i must say that for when that series was made...they managed to get away with alot of innuendo and metaphors for sex - it's not explicit in anyway..in fact its very subtle and you don't even realise it till it happens..especially with the Utena and Akio scene.
And also i have too much macross plus to watch...Tristan wants it back i think..and he wants his gameboy back...woops. I haven't had much time for games lately..im waiting for a chance to just sit back and get a whole day's worth of gaming and anime in. See if i didn't have a job i'd still be sitting on my bum like a bum watching anime, eating noodles and playing PS2. meanwhile..my noodles are almost ready. excuse me.

nothing can bring me down...except one thing

The road to sanity has not been an easy one these last few days - in fact all my insecurities are starting to surface, I can feel the cracks already appear in my self-confidence. What I want and what I have are becoming two very different things. I was set on something - and then stupidly I agree to listen to things and people who tell me what I already know but all too late. And I don't want this "what if" question hanging over my head. Because it was there last night. I could feel the seriousness of what he was trying to tell me, even if i told him it didn't matter - it did to him. Even when i said i didn't care, he took the hint but still wanted to tell me everything that he was feeling and thinking. He was sorry for what he'd said thursday to me, but also that he realised then that I actually meant something...not alot..but I was someone he liked and it took his blutness to realise that. After so much abusive language in the car driving home last nite, i got over it. I'll think what I want to, I'll be friends with him, but I can't do more than that.


I know what I want now - I feel it so much. And it's driving me crazy. I wonder if he's out there thinking of me - if he's going crazy too ...lol i guess the cat is out of the bag now....but i feel very very lucky to have found something or someone as sweet as him. I don't deserve anything good right now, but i hope i don't mess this up. knowing me i'll mess it up and sabotage it in some way. My insecurities are already playing up - and all these scenario's are playing in my head like some bad melodrama. But i just think that if i think of the worst now - it won't come true. So I'm hoping for the best - that I don't run and hide and that maybe if i just go with the flow i'll be okay.

Last nite on the train to Frankston:

26/3/05

I haven't felt this way in so long. please don't let me down, please don't let me down.
Whatever happens tonight happens, whatever I wish for will and won't come true. but I don't care, just please don't take this feeling away from me.
It's been too long since I've been this excited. It's been forever since I've felt this way for someone. I don't even know if this is real, but I don't care because its the feeling I've been looking for. I've searched so many places, I thought I had found it again, but I was mistaken. Now it's here again, the same familiar feeling from long ago. It's knocking at my door waiting for me to open up.
Whatever happens, happens.
Whatever will be, will be.
No forcing, no changing.

27/3/05

we got alot of time and it sure feels right:
The juliana theory - top of the world
dashboard confessional - hands down
david franj - oxygen
howie day - collide
steven speaks - passenger seat
ben lee - get gotten & into the dark

I'm so happy I think I'm gonna pass out!

Nah I won't. But I couldn't sleep last nite at all - I could only think of him and how close he was to me. I couldn't focus, I couldn't breathe half the night because my heart was racing. I knew I wanted him and I had him - But I still wanted his arms around me the whole nite. He was just so sweet and last night was all him. I swear I didn't do anything but turn up - and to think that if I hadn't turned up I wouldn't be this happy today. All that effort was worth it and I can feel it. I get these feelings in my stomach like butterflies - and I know that it's right. I just don't want this feeling to leave me ever again. I'm on top of the world - nothing can bring me down....

It's funny how quickly I can change my mind about someone. Its also funny how utterly terrible one person can make me feel in the time of 30 seconds. It also just shows how sensitive I can be sometimes. I can injure someone else with my words - and then they throw it back at me and I can't take it. It's true, I do contradict myself. But fuck it. I don't care. I still know what I mean and I still know what I feel. That's the only thing that's real for me. I get to this stage where I don't know who to trust and I know that some feelings I shouldn't act upon because I'll hurt someone else. So I don't do anything about anything - and then suddenly I'm so bad because I actually DIDN'T do anything. Maybe I should say what I feel more clearly. Maybe I should respect other's feelings more - I think I do, as much as I can. But I'm unsure now of some people and their reactions and assumptions. I think some people assume too much of me. And I think that's what I dislike - the assuming. I wish I could be me all the time, but I can't. I wish I could trust everyone - but I can't. Right now, I think I've realised how fucked up some people are and that they are dragging me down into their own confusion and fucked-up-ness. Didn't I say I didn't need that. Didn't I think that. Didn't I avoid that? why is it so easy to revert back to old feelings? When things were less complicated. But decisions I made I won't break. Anyway, you don't go out with your friends. You can't always go back after that. but sometimes you can. And there's always hope in that. I cling to hope sometimes. That's what I'm doing now. I'm wishing and hoping that everything will work out. That what's meant to be will be and all that stuff. I'm not so lost after all eh?

stem - shiina ring "the real is but a dream"
l0w - kelly clarkson "they look at me with sad eyes, well I don't want their sympathy"
gamble everything for love - ben lee "love me with an open heart, tell me anything"
forget myself - third eye blind "who am I we both don't know/ time ticks by, where did you go?"

meanwhile james is sick from the pizza hut food. THAT'S why vegeterians shouldn't eat meat on a fricken religious holiday!