I have plans, and i have no plans to stay here any longer than i need to. I've been taking advice from people left and right - and everyone has an opinion. I tell people that im planning on leaving in a couple of months - i think they don't realise that i've been here for 3 months already busting my ass for people who don't give a shit. I know for a fact that no one will give u a pat on the back - No one will praise you or thank you for giving up 5 weeks of your life to cover their arses.

Everyone i've spoken to are like...Ohhhh should u really be doing that? They don't exactly agree with how i'm thinking. No one wants me to make a mistake, no one wants me to give up and leave. But then again, no one but me knows what i want. Alot of people understand how hard it is to be away from home - no one knows how much i miss home. I cried for the first month I was here. I cried every single day. morning and night. I cried on the phone to my family, i cried on the phone to my friends. i cried on the phone to cookie for so many nights. A few times a week here i find myself crying or teary eyed.

So whats better? stay in a town I hate, live 15 hours away from friends and family. You know, i don't know what I want. For a career, i have no idea what i want to do. BUT i do know where i want to be. I've never felt more at home than i have with cookie. and it sounds weird coming from me but i know that i want to be based in melbourne. no matter what, thats where i want to be and live. Maybe not forever - home is wherever cookie is, i think i'd be okay living almost anywhere as long as he was with me. BUT seriously - whatever happens next i know for a fact cookie and i will be together..and that makes the next few months seem alot less harder to deal with.

Do you know what I feel? Do you know how I feel?
Well if you were me, if you were in my position - if you gave up one of the best things in your life - you'd feel like I do right now. You'd feel like you just had the wind knocked out of you. You'd feel like you had just been slapped in the face. You've been replaced. She's better than you. But you always knew that you didn't have the talent to be great at it. But you wanted it anyway. You jumped at the first opportunity. You scrambled at it - you didn't think. You never think. Your pathetic. And now you want it back? And now your jealous, but you always knew you would be. You always knew you'd have a hard time accepting and dealing with the idea. Change is not something you respond to well - especially if it was forced. So there goes your chance. You closed your eyes for a moment, you got caught up in the career you thought you wanted. You forgot your dreams and your aspirations. And so here you are, hating every moment of it wishing you could go back to the way things used to be. Silly girl. Everything has changed. Your a fool to think you could walk back in. But you know that, you know it all too well. And you know that you would have been driven crazy by it all. But you hate what you have, but don't we always want what we can't have.

i think i've hit a new low - crying at work for like the tenth million time. Usually its Jules who can make me break down in tears at work. Im seriously, not this emotional. I've never been an emotional person like this - everyone has their moments but this is getting ridiculous. Im just tired of the pressure, of not living up to others expectations. Im still learning, i'm still making mistakes, no one is perfect and i am far from it. I had hoped that i would have grown out of this by now, that the homesickness would have stopped, that I would have settled. I still don't consider this my home at all. I know im not ready to move on, but i'd rather be anywhere but here right now. I think there are some things i enjoy alot, and some things that i hate. And im figuring out what i hate pretty damn quickly. I think i might focus on going in a different direction, or at least figure out what i want to do.

I think some people think i complain too much.
I know that when I feel like i've been hard done by, or when I feel upset - im gonna want to vent. If im upset by something - its too hard to bottle it in. I've done that before and its never made me feel better. Its only ever upset me more, made me more angry than if i'd had just let it all out in the first place. Im really trying to keep it together - and yeah I might react to some things wrong. But when someone is one thing to ur face, and something completely different behind ur back, there is only so much crap you can take. And i've had my fill. I'm not gonna defend myself - no need to do. I don't need to justify how i feel to anyone. If you don't get it, then you don't get it. Simple. No matter how much i might try to make u see my point of view, you just won't. I like to be right. I don't like it when someone hurts my ego. no one does. but i won't take someone else's shit lying down anymore. I find it funny when someone can't define or pick on simple moment when i've done them wrong. Some people i can pick heaps of moments and incidents. its unbelievable what i can remember about some people. I can pick one moment when i was pissed - or when i was happy. Thats how i remember things. i guess im not as numb as i used to think.

OMG how boring is the band U2.

Original of the Species is the most boring fucking song on radio at the moment.

Right now i love

All american rejects - dirty lil secret
Yellowcard - lights and sounds
dead day sun - still
End of fashion - shes love
arctic monkeys - i bet you look good on the dancefloor

work is good. i'll be flat out tomorrow. so yeah. pro-tools is loving me sick. haha.

oh no look what you've done

myspace.com/onlyclouds

wrote a massive blog there last nite while doing my on-air gig.

Im not in the best of moods this week. it's only tuesday and i feel like the walking dead. Looked at a nice place today...Julie is worried about moving. I've told her about my three month plan. She doesn't want to get into anything if i'm just going to leave after 3 months. which is fair, wouldn't want to stick JR and Julie with three months extra rent to pay. If i could find someone else to move in that would be fine, but i guess in the worst case scenario i'd pay the extra three months rent. 6 months would probably be the longest i'd want to stay, i think if i could settle somewhere i'd change my mind about staying here for longer than 2 months. We'll see. I don't want to stay here for ages, but this house we saw today was reaaallly nice. I'd be interested in moving there right away. I think it would be good for all 3 0f us. anyway. gotta talk on air in 3 minutes.

updated


new layout...well not really new. Just for this blog which has been the same for what..two years now. while my last layout was nice, it was just shitting me to tears. so no more of that. here's the new one. still has a tagboard, and its basic and pink. i was gonna use a layout i found at blogskins which is based on artwork from the exploding dog website...it was cute but a few things annoyed me about it - so i thought fuck it..just go with a blogger template.

its official, i am leaving on the 30th of January at 8.30 in the morning...im flying up to Newcastle and then my PD (my boss) is picking me up and we'll go straight to Muswellbrook from there. Im not quite with it all yet...it feels surreal...but oh well, it'll be real enough once im on the plane.

cold tea

john tedja deat carl a. finlow - alone with you
utada hikaru - passion ~*after the battle*~
my chemical romance - helena
cut copy - future
l'arc en ciel - all year round and falling in love

WELL

I got a job. again it's all happening so quickly but at least i have time to prepare myself for it, unlike the Goulburn job where i just packed up quickly and left within a week. This time i won't be leaving I think till the 30th so thats good. gives me time to work stuff out.

So i'm leaving the band nancythompson...which is killing me to do. honestly...i have to take this job because in the long run i think it'll be the best thing for me. and while i love being in the band and wish i could do more and play more gigs...i have to take this job. I've landed this job so quickly...it was unexpected but hey, thats radio. So I'm moving to NSW to Muswellbrook...which is about an hour and a half from Newcastle...and apparently its really hot up there at the momement. But im excited about it. My own hot 30 show...i'll be doing production stuff...its exciting. the move will be hard but u know..if it works out it'll be worth it. If it doesn't then i'll come back. I might start blogging more often again...and i think it'll change the layout to something simpler...its been the same for awhile.

and i said hey!

spice of life - beck mongolian chop squad
one way ticket to hell - the darkness
hit in the USA - beat crusaders
better version of me - fiona apple
hung up - maddonna

I think i don't need some things anymore. I was once dependent on others to provide me with their creativity and thoughts...and now i don't feel the need to satisfy that fantastical urge anymore. I don't feel like anything is missing from my life..i just feel content. no, i actually feel better than content. nothings perfect - i hate my job, i hate the unnerving reality that awaits me. i need to get my arse into gear now. but there are some things that i feel will be harder to leave behind. i'm putting certain things off, but oh well. if i was to stay i suppose i'd still be happy.

I'm sorry.
I've been neglecting you.
I didn't mean to. It just happened. myspace has taken over. I've writen 45 posts there since i started. And people actually read it! wow. not alot...but more than this one.

Well Stevo just got the Job in Ballarat today. They called him this morning - so he'll be moving up there in two weeks time. YAY. sleep overs at Stevo's place. It'll be like when he and petey came to visit me in Goulburn. I almost wish I had stayed in Goulburn. I wish I had that job. I could do production. I feel like I am holding out for jobs up there at Eagle to open up. But I shouldn't do that. There are so many more opportunities, I might end up pigeonholing myself at Goulburn. and its 8 hours away from home. I might aswell just go to the other side of Australia for a job...no point staying in Victoria. I have the rest of Australia to see. Radio is such a hard industry to bust into. I've already been in it for 5 weeks...and im back here dealing with the reality of uni and band...Im gonna play more than one gig in this band even if it kills me. I don't want to leave the band..but i know its not going anywhere...but our music is good and people need to hear it. Even if its only a few people. gig this friday 18th nov at the CUE BAR on brunswick street...be there or I kill you

in my head:
jessica simpson - these boots are made for walking (don't ask, its been in my head since this morning)
i'm feeling you- santana feat michelle branch
can i have it like that - pharrell feat gwen stefani
do you do you want to? - franz ferdinand (or whatever its called, fucking love it)
Rob Thomas - ever the same
Two More Years - Bloc Party

Albums: Bloc Party Silent Alarm & 30 seconds to mars

Well this is my last week in Goulburn, i've updated the myspace.com/onlyclouds blog more regularly than this one. I'll be back in Melbourne sometime this weekend, i haven't decided yet. Depends on how cookie and I feel...we're just gonna play it by ear and one extra night in Goulburn thanks to 2GN won't be such a bad thing. But I'm dying to come home and just hang in melb and go to uni...but everyone seems to be leaving. There will be none of us left!! But I'll be able to finish all my work in melb..haven't done much here at all...naughty me. I've been busy with other stuff. Well my schedual for this week is fairly good - taxi ride interview and acoustic gig this thursday arvo. I'll be handling that and recording it and such. I need to stop eating chocolate. I've eaten more m&m's in these last four weeks than i've ever eaten in my whole life. And i've decided that I won't eat KFC this week. anyway..got stuff to do! i'm outtie!

*muah*

listen:
nickleback - photograph
her space holiday - japanese gum
the postal service - such great heights
end of fashion - she's love
drag - You and I

Well I just did an interview with Darren Middleton from band Drag and Powderfinger. It went okay. Interviews are actually very hard...it wasn't one of my finest moments. especially since i ran out of shit to ask and say. So right now i can't wait to interview taxi ride...woo hoo. that was sarcasm btw. My interviewing skills at the moe suck...well i've never had to interview musicians before! I interview nerds and businessy people...not musicians. The only musician i've ever interviewed has been James and he sucks. He's the only person I've ever interviewed who becomes shy when he knows he's being recorded....oh well there was that nerd guy - but he had never ever had two females ...or even one..in his room before. James is odd like that - he'll be all talkative and this and that and then you put a mic in front of him and he clams up. Which is funny cos he reckons he's the frontman of our band - yet if he ever had to do an interview he'd fuck it up. ahh well...thats what media training is for.

anyway - i'm looking for -----------FUCK-----------------forgot the news....station went off air for like ten seconds. and i put the wrong playlist on. double fuck. ah well. crisis over....until next time.

the beautiful girls - let's take the long way home
the used - i caught fire
jimmy eat world - futures

myspace is fucked. So i'm writing here lol. I've got to be on air soon on eagle. Doing the hot 20 tally room thanks to tully park tavern. 48 triple2 93 5 is the number i have memorised. if people feel like it they can call up and bother to vote or request a song. hmm...things are busy here in goulburn. Im staying up here one extra week. I spoke with Rossco today - he misses eagle and his hot 20. I told him that i'd swap shifts with him lol...i'd do mornings in jindy and he can do hot 20 here. lol. Im getting into the hot 20 more now, it's good. I had fun last night and i usually do. But something isn't right for me. Im fully planning on coming back to melbourne after my 5 weeks are over here. I want to do all that uni work - do my production and write those essays and do interviews. I want to play a few gigs with the band - but things are moving out of my control now. Things are moving quicker than i'd like them to. Its funny how im back here again though - after all this time - its odd how things work out...and its even more odd that things happen when you least expect them to. Half of what has happened this year I would never have ever expected - i mean its not every day when all your career dreams come true - its not every day that you fall for someone - its not every day that life seems to just work out. BUT the problem here is that I'm not happy about staying for an extra week. I am trying to look on the positive side of things, like interviewing taxi ride the band and doing lots of stuff...but honestly even i can tell when something isn't right and i've been walking around like an emotional wreck for days now. I should be more excited than this - more enthusiastic than this. But I'm not. I guess if i think about it too much it will do my head in. But i don't think i'll end up staying here for longer than needed. I'd rather work in canberra or somewhere else...a night time music show is my ideal gig. I know music like no body's business - i've always been up on music and charts and videos and artists. i think this is just one small stepping stone to my next gig - whatever happens- happens.

I'm sorry, I've neglected you. I've been posting on myspace all week and not here at all!
check out www.myspace.com/onlyclouds to see what you've missed eh.

Im at the station now its almost 20 past 9am...i have to put some ads on so i'd better get a move on and do that. Then i'll come back. Oh this coke is making me burp.

Well this week has been crazy so far - it all began on Monday when my radio class visited the MCM entertainment studios. That's where they make the syndicated radio shows like Planet Rock, Take 40 Australia and several other shows. In fact Miss Ricki Lee from Australian Idol was there being interviewed by BARRY BISSEL while we were there. And any Aussie who doesn't know who Barry Bissel is needs to be shot on site (eg. Rosie who takes our class for webdesign). He's like one of Australia's radio legends. He is awesome.
Anyway so we were all there waiting for some business cards to put in our contact books when Jim says to us all that eagle fm in Goulburn is looking for someone to replace Rossco the hot 20 host for four weeks while he goes to cooma. Immediately my jaw drops - I was there for two weeks last semester - it was right up my alley because i knew how it worked. Michelle and Fitzy were also interested as we all do the Hot 20 show on 102 the Basement (which you can only listen to if you go to Swinburne Uni in Hawthorn and sit in the foyer of BA building on level 1). And I thought okay, i should make up a demo - i'll do it later.
I turn up on Tuesday for the tutorial and Jim is like - "Evelyn, Blair talked about getting you for the hot 20" and i thought - Holy Shit this is serious, they actually wanted me for it. So Jim is like, Let's call Blair right now.
But we didn't - i freaked and decided I shoudl calm down first and think about what I was gonna say. So about two hours later i made a call spoke with Blair about getting a demo in and then started making one right away.
I pre-recorded a hot 20 shift tuesday night - finished it than decided i would air check it with jim and take the best talk breaks and use that in a demo. The next day i turn up and Jim was like "Some of it is good - you need to stay more focused. Do a few more breaks" So I spent an hour re-doing a few breaks did some hot 20 specific things like the quiz and stuff...and then got jim to listen to it. He liked it alot better - in fact he was extremely happy with it - I put the breaks together, edited the endings and starts then i made it into an mp3 and then ran up stairs from level 6-10 (the lifts were fucked) and got onto a comp and emailed it to blair. Ran back down from level 10-6 (lifts were still fucked) then i got my stuff, left, went to the swinny courtyard tuckshop (IT'S NOT A CAFE) got a roll walked to the train station and went home. When I got home and checked my email I recieved a reply already from Blair asking for my mobile number.
So that's where I am at right now. Last night I was also freaking out about the band - i thought they'd hate me for going away for a month , but they denniz was the first to speak up and say that career comes first. Which i feel better about, and they understand i think..so it went better than expected. I thought i was gonna get this commitment shit again - i think james also did some more truth stretching back then. but oh well - it's james. he's most well known for talking from his rear end ;)
But it'll be good - i'll be able to save money and buy a fricken bass amp cos im sick of spending 12 bucks each week hiring one.

BUT THIS IS NOT DEFINATE. I may not get the job - but i think i have an extremely good chance of getting it. BUT if u do get it - i'd have to leave this weekend. pref sunday.

Playlist:
James Blunt - You're Beautiful
M.I.A - Bucky Done Gone
Kelly Clarkson - Because of you
The Postal Service - Sleeping In
Fiona Apple - Not about love

I almost got blown away today. This weather is craaaazy shit. At Swinburne- between the BA building and the swinburne walk from the station, there is a wind tunnel. It's crazy, like every time I cross through there to get to BA, some part of me gets messed up by the wind. But Today was crazy - like Pete, Liam F and Myself were on our way to Maccas sometime after 4pm for lunch after our Tutorial - and I just remember walking down the stairwell and hearing this strange howling sound. And Pete just opens the door and gets blasted by this crazy wind. Like stepping out into it was dangerous, and people were like being physically pushed along by this wind. I know that I almost knocked into Liam cos it was so strong. It could literally have blown us away to fricken camberwell lol.
And the fricken radio studio was boiling - i swear i was fricken sweating up a storm under my three layers of clothes. I mean I always knew that room was hot - but it was unbelievable today. I just wanted to get out of there and hang outside. I skipped the 2 dollar bag of crap today and went for a not-so-satisfying custard tart. which incidently cost me 2 dollars.

Anyway, my day was almost uneventful. And I learnt stuff in radio today. That was cool. I can beat match now. And I can use news boss - i even showed michelle how to use it..and i only learnt it today. How fucking cool am I?

Okay your right. I'm not very cool at all. I'll keep trying. i'll be become a try-hard. and the no one will like me. Fuck you all.

www.seafm.com.au

just a reminder.

next time we'll go to reddish

is it cos im cool?

daft punk - around the world
her space holiday - something to do with my hands
brand new - secondary
funeral for a friend - the getaway plan
mxpx - everything sucks (cos all i ever needed was to eat popcorn with you)

and for those who like their music dirrty...

pussycat dolls - don't cha
timbaland & magoo - love 2 love ya
koffee brown - quickie
J-kwon - tipsy
ludacris - stand up

AND the obligatory Amerie song - 1 THING

WELL KIDS - i could post another sad bastard blog about how i'm feeling all down and upset about the shit thats been going down. BUT that would be just too depressing even for me. Despite what i feel now - Im more determined than ever now to be in this band - and if they wanna throw me out of the band they'll have to do it with me kicking and screaming. Cos im not going fucking anywhere.

So last nite was supposed to be the night "we'd be clubbing" ice cube and dmx style - but like it didn't happen. Almost happened. Instead i picked up the girls and we went to the tempy and met up with da boyz. Well that lasted about ten minutes, because the tempy is pretty quite and underconstruction on a thursday night. So we went to the irish pub Flanaggan's down at the donnie hotel. Which I don't mind - and there were more ppl there than at the tempy. The tempy will actually be really cool once it's renovated - but right now its a hole. Literally.
So at Flanagan's morgs got all drunk - lisa drank lemon lime and bitters, and i drank coke. after alittle gambling and Al making only 15 cents on the pokies ..we left for maccas and then I left after that and didn't get home till 1am with the car. Considering my car curfew (my parents care more about the car being out late than me) was at 11 according to my dad and 12.30 according to my mum - neither one of them has said anything about my 1am return. Im alittle miffed that i didn't get my alcamhole - but like i got to see friends and that made me feel 100 times better than any alcoholic high could.

I feel like what im doing isn't worth it anymore - because people who i respected don't respect me enough to tell me to my face what i'm doing wrong. Instead they choose to talk behind my back, make plans to replace me - tell others that my backing vocals aren't working out - that i don't know this, and i won't do this and that. I don't feel like i'm being heard - and i feel like i've just been gutted from the inside out because these people care enough about the band to be good - but don't care enough to tell speak to me. I don't feel like i'm part of the band - because well...im not. I'm just there and do what i'm told. The only one i speak to is james but his attitude of late has been giving me the shits and i have no allies in the band whatsoever. cookie doesn't count cos he's not in the band - he's just always there. But even so, last nite was between me and james and the others could have spoken up - told me to stop being stupid and given me their opinion - but they didn't. and quite clearly it shows that i've got nowhere to go. I want to give this band my full commitment - but i honestly don't know whats going to happen. I've been learning the songs - and i now have to go out and buy some head phones cos none of mine fit into the bass synth. So im waiting for my dad to get back with the car so i can head down to JB or somewhere and get sum. might msg cookie about the keyboard stand. Thinking of borrowing one for the gig - but i might end up having to pick one up this weekend reguardless. Everything costs money, and i have a limited supply. James forgets that i hardly work at myer cos im a casual - he forgets that i can't save, not because i spend it all - but i don't earn enough to save with all my costs of mobile bills, and public transport costs, (which is quite alot even on concession cos i have to travel zones 1,2,3 almost everyday during uni), uni stuff like books, minidiscs for class and cds. He thinks only of what he wants to happen and after last night he gave off the impression that he didn't even want to help me out. I mean where am i gonna find a stand for a a fricken two octave keyboard ..it's a fucking midget of a keyboard..it'll probably fall off the stand when i'm playing it anyway..i'll have to buy some blue tack also...
I don't blame deniz for questioning my commitment to the band - even im not that sure. I know i want to be in it, but everything is so up in the air and with uni...i want to stay in melbourne, heck i'd love to stay in victoria - but the point of my course is to get a job and that could mean moving well away from here. And while the thought scares me, i have to do it - but i'm also excited about it. But i guess i could also be getting ahead of myself - i may not actually get a job at all....but i want to think positive. About all aspects and honestly - if i didn't want to be in the band i wouldn't turn up every week. I just wish they'd ALL talk to me about it...because im sick of hearing everything from james.