I can't seem to shake off this feeling today.

Like I've messed up, that my good streak has finally run out.

I haven't felt this lonely or depressed in awhile. I feel like no matter what I can do, nothing will change this feeling.

I've been thinking of ways to improve myself today, maybe there are little things i can do to salvage a friendship which i think is near the edge of no return. But one particular person has been on my mind the past week - and its driving me crazy, because i think i don't deserve this - what have i done to deserve this attention?

Its the not knowing, the not talking to them which gets to me. I think i finally cracked today. My mind has been wandering all over the place, I've been asking myself questions like 'What did i do? how can i fix this?' what did i do, except be myself? is that why i should be punished? And some things just don't help. I've had almost no contact with people the whole weekend, I'm tired, I'm sick of everything. I just want to crawl into my bed tonight, and i just want to cry out all these feelings and hope that tomorrow will be better.

But I feel so alone even when I'm with people. I saw tracey today, and we talked alittle about Theo...he's very sensitive to gay jokes. And on the bus i talked with this nice guy called lee who is a first year agriculture student. I met him last week, on the bus...incidently. But I just don't feel like myself today. I just felt drained and emotionless. apart from the depressing emotions - but void of anything resembling happiness.

I bought a second love hina manga today - in hopes that it would cheer me up. It did alittle.

And i bought a pencil case also, because I'm sick of finding my pens all strewn at the bottom of my backpack.

I have a job interview tomorrow with myer. I don't know what I'm going to do.

All i know today is that I've been wanting to get online, i've wanted to blog this all out of me. get it all out of my system. I remember feeling so horrible, so sick in my stomach that i wanted to leave and not resolve anything. and i still don't think any thing has been resolved. then again, this could all be in my head.

I just want to stop thinking things over too much. i can't handle it anymore. if i over analyse one more thing, one more line, one more gesture - i'm going to crack...like an egg. and go splat.