Hey all!!!!!!!!

Im at Rosebud lib at the moement! woot. im making use of the public internet facilties. go me. i got a lib card and everything.
well not much has been happening at all. I've run out of dvds to watch and im stuck in my game of kingdom hearts - damn dalmations - and I saw the film Honey this morning at 9:30 am. grr...so im lacking in sleep rite now.
I read the Dune Butlerian Jihad prequel - exciting stuff..except nothing really happens in the book but there are some interesting characters that im looking forward to reading more of - and the lead female character - serena butler is suffering major relationship dramas and i love reading that stuff. And its soo over the top - i love it. But the rest of the book is a bit blah. I've learnt when reading dune books its better just to skim the large paragraphs. But the writing style isn't as good as Frank Herbert's original dune series.

I got the saves the day cd...its okay. i need some more music...im in an r&b mood since watching honey..i got Blaque song "Im good" on replay in my head...

anyway. i gtg. MUAH. see u all soooooooooooooon.

Happy new year everyone! i hope you all had fun. i know i did. and i know i got very drunk sipping on bailey's and tia maria with rach. very drunk, the ride home with my mum and brother was interesting. For one thing my mum asked me a simple question and i gave her a thousand word spoken essay as an answer. We had to pick up my brother from a party in kew, I met one of my brother's friends Robbie - who so kindly came up to the car and asked who we were waiting for - even while totally wasted this guy still had manners - very amusing. When my bro finally came out and got in the car I asked him what he had to drink and if he was as drunk as me, he said he wasn't. Of course the next morning I found my brother in bed with a bucket beside him, just in case.
I said to him "hey, i thought you weren't drunk, how much did u drink?"
and he replied, "Just the usual"..
"Ohhhhhh. yep you were trashed."

Now i've been in a weird mood since yesterday, i didn't have a hang over cos im smart and drank heaps of water b4 i went to sleep, but i've been all low in the energy since yesterday.
Today I had to move more stuff, cos we are getting the floor boards done here at home, so im moving out with my mum and my sis for a few days, a week at the most. So i probably won't blog, im gonna hide for the week and just read. or go to the beach - and read there.
I'll have my mob with me - in case those of you with my phone no feel like contacting me......cos i'll be bored......BUT I will be taking the PS2 with me...i have a game of kingdom hearts to finish. finally.

Playlist :
Beck - Tropicalia
Kelis - Milkshake
Anadivine - Alchol & Oxygen

playlist:
Noise Rachet - Crush (mandy moore cover - is good if u can get past the first 20 seconds)
Further seems forever - bye bye bye (nsync cover)
The startling line - Im real (j.lo cover)
Snuff - I think we're alone now
[[the first 3 songs in the playlist are from the Punk Goes Pop cd.]]

"Crush"

You know everything that I'm afraid of
You do everything i wish i did
Everybody wants you, everybody loves you

I know i should tell you how i feel
I wish everyone would disappear
Everytime you call me, I'm too scared to be me
And I'm too shy to say

Ooh, I got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that i do
I get a rush
When I'm with you
Ooh, I've got a crush on you
A crush on you

You know, I'm the one that you can talk to
And sometimes you tell me thing that i don't want to know
I just want to hold you
And you say exactly how you feel about her
And I wonder, could you ever think of me that way

Ooh, I got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that i do
I get a rush
When I'm with you
Ooh, I've got a crush on you
A crush on you

Ooh, I wish i could tell somebody
But there's no one to talk to, nobody knows
I've got a crush on you
A crush on you, I got a crush

You say everything that no one says
But i feel everything that you're afraid to feel
I will always want you, I will always love you
I've got a crush...

Does anyone remeber their first serious REAL crush. Im not talking about the Kindergarten childish ones. Or the ones we had in primary school. Im talking about the real thing, when you can't eat, you can't sleep because when you try to sleep your thinking about your crush. When you sit in classes, your distracted because your thinking about what your crush said to you the night before in that 6 hour long conversation you had. You over analyse things, you think about that second time you saw him - when you really saw him - when you thought to yourself "Hey, this time it could actually happen".
The song lyrics above remind me of that. of the last time I seriously had a crush on someone. Actually, it was my first real crush. I had a few afterwards, and im not naming names cos its embarrassing - cos those ppl may actually read this blog. And im not gonna bring up the past. But i do. lol. i regret the past. because my past is filled with 'what ifs' and that just brings me down and i lose focus of the now.

anyway. im gonna see Kill Bill this afternoon in the city. can't wait. Im looking forward to some beheading/ bloodshed/ maiming/ decapitation. i'll write more later.

this blog is incredibly superfical. I write total shit in this blog. I've been wanting to be more opinionated here...but im lacking in opinions.

I see i have 23 comments for one of my blogs. And i see that not one of those blogs contains any decent comments. I'd like to say YOU ALL SUCK. well most of u suck balls anyway - im not gonna say who. you know who you are. i take back what i originally said in an earlier post, from now on ONLY intelligent comments. You know i try to do something good for my site and you all totally trash it with stupid comments. but i should be thankful cos some ppl actually bothered. even if they wrote crap.

im stuck on a chorus. can't think of one to fit. Im getting close to working it out - but now im stuck.

Alot has happened in the last week and a bit. And alot of what has happened i wasn't there for. lol. I couldn't go to Al's party cos i came down sick that morning with some mysterious 24 hour bug that attacked my stomach - and oddly i blame my sister's cooking from the night b4 - so i missed that party and getting drukenly stupid with the others, but by the sounds of the party everyone had a great time and one massive orgy.

lisa had some problems during the week, i tried to help her our with that. And i learnt some things about ppl close to me that made me sick. But then i realised i didn't actually care. People can do what they want, that's fine. Just people need to start being responsible for their actions i think. I know we are all almost 20 or 21 and having a fucking good time getting drunk..but sometimes u gotta step back and think about what ur doing and the implications of it etc etc.
Sorry im getting all moral on you, didn't mean to. But i've had a wake up call, im not the same Ev that you all knew a week ago. NO. i've gained a deeper sense of my morals, of what i want. Essentially its still me underneath all this, but i think im less confused now. Mainly cos there is nothing left to confuse me.

anyway. i gtg. please write some comments, tell me what you think, or if u want to know something or bitch at me. All of it is welcome. just click the link comment at the bottom of this blog and away u go.

nite all. And merry christmas. *muahs*

im just tired. soo tired. and no one has written me a comment! GRRR. I know people read this. Are you scared? is that it? Is it scary to write down a line? a word? COME ON! don't be anti-social with me and TALK! let me hear your thoughts - your deepest darkest secrets - share with me your feelings on subjects ANYTHING. abuse me, do whatever as long as one of your bloody well leaves me a comment.

i was gonna write more stuff. but i can't be stuffed again. BUT if someone leaves me a comment then i shall reply here. so make it good!

ok. just testing. below this blog, after the line "posted by evesy @ blah time" is a little blue link that says 'comment' and a little number after it. I've been meaning to put some sort of comment system on this blog for awhile...and im just testing this out to see if anyone would actually bother writing me their thoughts or whatever on what i've got here. So give it a go, write crazy stuff and abuse me for the fun of it - i don't care just as long as someone uses it. someone other than me.

Im tired. my arms are sore. my feet are sore. my eyes are sleepy. My head is headachey. And people suck. I just read someone's blog and it made me wanna slap someone. And i read alot of blogs - cos other people's lives are just more interesting than my own. I decided the other day that i would write things in this blog which mean something more and something more profound than just what i did and didn't do today.

But whatever i say your all gonna judge me anyway. You will all criticise me for my bad spelling, my incorrect truths, indecisive-ness, for my ignorance and fucked up point of view. Why i do things, no matter how stupid, usually have some sort of reasoning behind it. Ok. thats not true and i knew it, but still wrote it. See i even try lying to myself somtimes. doesn't really work.

Tell me, who in this world knows what they want? What they really want. Not some half-baked idea of what they think would be nice or would like to have. Who has everything they want, is anyone truly happy? And how can someone live with their decisions - even the bad ones.
I wish i had some idea why i'm never happy, why i can't be happy. Why i have to turn everything into some dramatic tragedy.
I wish i had back what I lost. And i think im looking for that again, for a feeling. For all that time and energy i spent when i was younger being in love with idols. And now im not prepared, now im just making it up as i go and fucking it up every step of the way.
And i can't stand it. I hate myself more than anyone will know because of this, because i won't let myself fall into a trap, because i don't want to play the game but secretly want to.
I used to know what i wanted. I had it all figured out. I never really thought about relationships, boys were just something to look at. But maybe now i see that i want something more, i want someone. But right now isn't the time. I just disappointed myself with Jon, i just couldn't see him as something more than as a friend.
Everyone thinks im so fucking careless, indecisive, and fucking clueless to what i want. And yeah, maybe i am alittle. I do act like its all no big deal, and i can't believe im writing this all down, but really for me, it is a big deal or it will be some time in the future. I don't think about it much because i really don't want to, But i've always imagined myself finding the right person, but considering the traditional values of marriage etc, the idea of staying with the same person for my whole life is kinda daunting and sounds boring, but i guess if i find that someone i want to spend my life with then im sure i'll think differently about it.
Im not looking for That someone now though, im just looking for something. What that is i don't know yet, but i hope i'll know it when i find it.

i feel dizzy now. like im about to fall of this chair.

The best thing on days like this is a foot bath.
I wish i had one of those electrical ones, you know a spa for your feet. But for me, just sitting on the edge of the bathtub and sitting my feet in a few inches of water does the trick.
And ice cream is good too. I had some before - and ahhh bliss.
It's weird how on hot days i appreciate the little things, how good a foot bath feels, how refreshing ice cream can be.
But i also realised that public transport is the devil and who ever decided that those mini buses don't need proper air cond should be SHOT IN THE HEAD. fuck it was hotter in the bus than it was outside.
Right now all i wanna do is have a cold bath and wash my hair. so if you'll excuse me. ta ta

I must be invisible. No one can see me. Or no one cares to see me. or wants to. When i come online ppl must be like this "Oh...its ev. *sigh*"
I don't talk to everyone online...but a nice HI is good enough. BUt nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...i am invisible.

I went out last nite to lily's party - and klein was there, and lisa was there and Eamon was there. and i had a pretty good time. lisa got to sit on me, i got very very light headed, and mark's teeth got hurt. i think. mark also got lost on the way to my house hehe...like a little lost puppy. heheee.
ANYWAY - im in a pretty good mood today, i sat on the couch this morning watched DEAD MAN and the naked chief.

and im pretty hungry rite now actually.

i was gonna post but now i don't feel like it.

I just wrote a whole thing. AND NOW ITS GONE! ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!STUPID COMPUTER STUPID INTERNET THAT DECIDED NOT TO WORK!
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

I'LL COME BACK LATER AND WRITE IT ALL AGAIN. I REALLY CANT BE BOTHERED RIGHT NOW ANYMORE. argh!

Im trying to sort out my feelings. And maybe thats wrong of me to do so right now. But i need to figure out how i really feel, why im feeling like this, and tonight is just a test for myself. Can i do it? Can i be what he wants? Can i be what i want? WHAT the fuck do i want? it would be nice if i wasn't so complicated. I don't know why i am. I think im just in a weird place, and i don't need ppl reminding me of what a past bf was like - because it just makes me regret and think i made a mistake and makes me wanna slap myself for not being smart back then. But i live with my mistakes. and no, i don't like steve or anything like that. BUT im gonna compare right - so steve compared to jon - so far steve gets the brownie points - but i know jon reads this and he will get offended - BUT fuck these are my thoughts, deal with it. BUT then again with JOn i like the not being bugged every day by a boyfriend - of course steve didn't really bug..he did afterawhile though. maybe i shouldn't be writing this here - i'll stop. i'll continue on my other page.

this blog mite get deleted cos of its content - SO for a good few hours it'll be online - and tomorrow i mite post something i actually wrote b4 all that junk up there - but for other reasons i won't be posting today.

This morning I was greeted to th sweet sounds of 1970's Funk on Syn fm. and it was sooo damn good. And now im craving more! but rite now i lovveeeeee missy E's pass the dutch - makes me wanna boogie.
Im trying to write a cover letter and fix up my resume for a new job i want to go for. But for some reason i doubt i'll get the job, but i might as well try you know. No harm in that, just another rejection letter.
OOh i have my results for the last semester of uni! It seems i have passed yet again. My marks could have been better - but yayness its over. Next year will be better, im doing funkier subjects, animation and radio will be soooooo damn cool. I don't get why they put all the good subjects in first semester though - cos second semester is just so...shite. My only options were digital media cultures and two other odd subjects. I can't see how im gonna do film critism, i know i can be opinionated, but can i be detailed in my dislikes of a film? big words are not a part of my vocab either...well not my everyday vocab anyway. and my spelling had worsened, as you can tell just by reading this blog.
Im gonna go do something interesting, like watch neighbours...or eat chocolate.

byesss.

playlist:
Missy E - pass the dutch
P.diddy etc - Show me your soul
Cowboy Be Bop OST - Tank!
Third eye blind - Misfits


I am soo very tired. And i can't type well rite now, cos its dark and i can't see my keyboard. damn black keyboards - should be fucking glo-in the-dark.
Anyway, so how was everyone's weekend? Mine was interesting.
Went to amber lounge. then went to spy lounge and danced. And was there till 5 something..my feet are still a little sore. My big toe is itchy - which is weird and it feels fairly numb. Im reading a book called "the ice storm" which was made into a film a few years ago...a really good film actually directed by Ang Lee.
There are some good shows on tv tonite - monday nite is the best nite on tv me thinks. Sbs has some new sketch show on which rocks my socks off..and south park is still v. enetratiing
And im just talking shit now. So i'll go sleeep.

playlist:
sugababes - hole in the head
blue + stevie W and angtie stone - signed, sealed, delivered.
NFG - head on collision
mxpx - everything sucks (all i ever needed was to eat popcorn with you)
Michelle Branch - breathe
black eyed peas - shut up
bodyjar - glossy books
Cat power - Cross bones style
Eve6 - think twice


so it turns out that i have ONE little spot on my tonsils. ONE. But its ok now, cos im on drugs now. So by tomorrow or monday i should be totally clear. But im feeeling really good tonite, like i wanna boogie. But those of u who know me, know that out of all my habits - singing everywhere is one of my worst. Usually i try to limit it to singing in ppl's cars - but when im home and say for instance, when im in front of the comp with my playlist running - im probably singing along. BUT cos im sick - im trying not to sing cos im having trouble talking at the moe so singing would make it so much worse.
Also another bad habit is talking to myself when im on the comp lol. My mom just came in here b4 and asked who i was talking too..I didn't even think i was talking that time!

You know everytime im on the net and i read someone's blog, im always inspired to write in my own but then i run out of things to say. i duno why. i think i used to write alot more back in the days when i didn't think anyone read this. And i don't think anyone actually does read it, but those few who do...thank u :)

I got an e-mail today from my old music teacher from back at MLC. Mr. Gardiner. He still has my e-mail addy...so he sent me info on a music lable cd launch thats on the 9th of dec. Its for electronic music and stuff...im not gonna go of course, cos that would be weird, but it sounds interesting.


I just got d/c by my mum. she used the phone WHEN she KNEW i was on the internet...grrr. meanie.
anyway gtg.

playlist:
joy enriquez - tell me how you feel
filter - take a picture

im off to the doctor's today! to have a check up, to check out my throat. woo.
So i'd better have breakfast, cos i won't be home till afternoon....cos im leaving in 30 minutes.
My jeans smell like smoke. ewww. i haven't decided if im going out tonite or not..rach wants me to come...but i have no cash..If i go i don't drink..i'll just try and be hyper without the alc.

went out yesterday with lisa and mark street. We went to studly park and fed ducks...lisa had one trained lol, and we sat on a pipe..looked at the boat house.

if you would like to bitch at me please SIGN MY GUESTBOOK ON THIS SITE www.geocities.com/evesygal - cos i was there the other day and i have no new entries! so give me some love or hate...just wanna know what u think

OK. first off. While i am insanely happy...i am also alittle weirder out already. I'd like to thank Justin for his e-mail - BUT please don't scare me with the Mr & Mrs Tu stuff...cos that just makes me wanna scream...i really don't like it...and i hated it when Will used to tease me about becoming ms. maunder....don't freak me out just yet. I don't like expectations...cos in the end whatever happens happens. And im not gonna get ahead of myself just yet. lol.

Also i'd like to say to JON - thanks for the icq msg, you told me not to take the last line seriously...BUT when ever u say not to take u seriously - I think u need to be taken seriously. Whatever happens in the end..you are worth my time....never think your not. I will give this relationship a try..but even if it doesn't work out u know i'll always love u as a friend - and as a friend you are always worth my time. I value friendship over many things, and some things will never change. I'll give u a better explaination later ok?

Anyway...I'VE MADE THE LEGO CASTLE! WOOt. i shall have pictures soon once i bother to upload them on the comp. I thought it would be cool to make a little web lego comic or sumthing though with it...cos...it would be a waste to take down the castle just yet.

I remember stormy weather
The way the sky looks when its cold
And you were with me
Content with walking
so unaware of the world

Please don;t drive me home tonight
cos i don't wanna feel alone
please don't drive me home tonight
cos i don't wanna go

Tuesday morning
In the dark
I was finding out who you were

I took your picture
While you were sleeping
And then I paced around the room
If I had known then
That these things happen
Would they have happened with you?

Please don't drive me home tonight
'Cause I dont wanna feel alone
Please don't drive me home tonight
'Cause I don't wanna go
Tuesday morning
In the dark
I was finding out
Who you are

And if you turned around to see me and I was gone
You should have looked outside your window
'Cause the sun was coming up
The sun was coming up

Please don't drive me home tonight
'Cause I dont wanna feel alone
Please don't drive me home tonight
'Cause I don't wanna go
Tuesday morning
In the dark
I was finding out
Who we are
who we are


Michelle BRanch - Tuesday Morning -

i need to write this. my other blog just has three lines. Maybe i should go into detail.
I know later on when i calm down, and when my thoughts settle...this will all make more sense.
I feel so excited about this, im scared too. I don't want to run away again, cos it could be the biggest damn mistake of my life, and i regret too much already.
But this is the next step I guess, and i think im ready to take it. I dunno if i deserve it, but fuck that.

I wasn't looking for this, i was hoping that it would happen eventually. Maybe not this soon, but this is good. Sooner than i expected. I've been happy lately, but i can't explain how i feel it would be impossible. Because there cannot be one word that sums up every little thing i'm feeling. i feel like im at the top of the world. For real. But im scared too...because this could just come crashing down, i could make all this just fall and fail. But i can't let myself do that before i've even given this relationship a chance.

Tonight has been sooo weird. So good though. I never imagined it would end this way, it would end with me feeling like i want to jump around and scream.
I dunno if things are making sense yet....not for me...probably not for those of u reading either. lol. my head is spinning. literally. if im not careful my head will explode..

and im hungry and tired now.

OK, i'll get to the long awaited point of this blog. I am well i guess u could say...no longer single. Which is weird..cos i remember telling my nail girl that i was currently happy being single...whoops. that has to be a lie - cos i'm fucking over the moon about not being single now.

A few things were revealed tonight, and its safe to say that Jon Tu and I (Ev Ham) (lol) are together after one long phone call of giggles and incomprehensible sentences.


and now i am going to bed. And I know I will get no sleep tonight....




p.s - my last post are lyrics i wrote awhile back. u could prolly guess what their about..but some of it confuses me...cos i don't remember it all or what was going thru my head at the time. But i really like it .

15-10-03 – Cruel -
I think of how easy it would be
To leave you lying
Alone with the guilt and blood on your hands

I wanted to leave you broken
Make you feel as sick as I do now
I hated you then and the sight of you makes me ill

Every single moment we spent together
I hate the memories I have of you
I was so bored with you and your like

I let you go because I didn’t like you
You were dismissed because I didn’t need you
I left you because of what you said
And of what you didn’t say

It was cruel of me to do it
But I wanted to make you feel
All my sadness,
Every single scar you left
I was so sick of feeling hurt
And I blame you for it.