Desperately

Theres something about the way you looked at me
made me think for a moment that maybe we were meant to be
Living lives seperately
and its strange cause things change but not me wanting you
so desperately

I cannot ignore it
I keep giving in but i should know better
but theres something about the way you looked at me
and its strange cause things change but not me wanting you
so desperately..

I'm in a singing mood tonight. .I feel like writing something, like grabbing a guitar and playing a few chords.
I've been reading the manga translations of sailormoon. Its better than the tv series..which fucked up the whole story. anyhoo. I don't have anything to write. I think i'm more comfortable writing the old fashioned way. Ya know..pen and paper. There's something more poetic when u put words to paper. Computers just making everything so fucking impersonal and formal.

I had my first driving lesson today. Lets just say, i need practise. But overall, it was a good effort. But damn, those lil indicators are tricky to use. But my first day driving was good. I had a great time :)

Here is parts of a song i wrote not that long ago:
{You}
Its been a long time since i saw your face
And after it all - i've told myself
I'm over you
But I lied and told half truths
the sight of you makes me weak with sadness
I don't know myself beacause of your face
you walked into that room
you proceeded past my presence
I am nothing - not even a friend to you
Its always been that way with you - your always surrounded -
you have your love and I have my friends.

Its not like I need reassuring
I am assured that your not worth my time
But I can't help but feel
Sadness is all I am when your around

You don't treat me like you once did
Just someone who deserves to be ignored
Hey lets talk about it here, I never said what I should have to you
I left my feelings out
and you proceeded to trample all over them

Hey I don't need this
You - you used to make me want to die
I'm not welcome anymore
because you led me on
you hurt me
But i know better now

I almost feel sorry for her
what she has - she could do better
But if you were to leave her
I still wouldn't go for you
cos all i feel is sadness
everytime your around.

You like? That's it. I should do something with it. I kinda like that one. That song was written at a time when i was so sad and depressed with myself. I just felt so lonely and sad. And sad for someone, because you know what they say "You don't know what you've got till its gone" and I hope..he feels that way right now.

OK..top 5ive songs for the moement:
5. Beyonce - Work it out *cause this damn song gets played a 100 times a day*
4. Faith evans, feat. missy E & freeway? - Burnin' up *damn cool*
3. No doubt - Underneath it all *in my head*
2. Audiovent - Numb
1. Phantom Planet - HEY NOW GIRL
pootie tangin' by 702 is a mad song also.

Top 5 music videos
5. Missy E - One minute man
4. Britney - Boys n.e.r.d remix
3. Paul Oakenfield - Starry eyed surprise*Fluff*
2. Phantom Planet - California
1. Weezer - keep fishin' *MUPPETS RULE!*

*MUAH*

Loving you like i never have before
needing you just to open up the door
begging you might somehow turn the tides
and tell me too, i gotta get this off my mind
I never thought id be speaking these words
i never thought i need to say
another day lonely is more than i can take
Won't you save me
Savings what i need
I just wanna be by your side
won't you save me
i don't wanna be
just drifting through the sea of life

won't you
listen please
baby don't walk out that door
I'm on my knees
your all i'm living for
I never thought I'd be speaking these words
heaven thought I'd find a way
Another day lonley is more than i can take

Won't you save me
Savings what i need
I just wanna be by your side
won't you save me
i don't wanna be
just drifting through the sea of life

suddenly the sky is falling
could it be too late for me
well if i never said i'm sorry
then i'm wrong, yes i'm wrong
then i hear my spirit calling
wondering if your longing for me
then i know that i can't live without her/him

Won't you save me
Savings what i need
I just wanna be by your side
won't you save me
i don't wanna be
just drifting through the sea of life

won't you save me...won't you save me..

Save me - hanson

funny how life deals you out the good and the bad. the stupid mistakes we make, the regrets we have to suffer and live with.
I've realised that i'm not proud of some of the things i've said or done in the past. But i don't regret it all. No, i regret very little. But i am regretting my past decisions right now. That maybe things would of been different if i did things my way, if i didn't listen to other people, if i just did what i wanted to do in the first place and not hesitate in my decision making.
Life sucks. Its true. Its a shitty excuse for it all..and i'm sure i could go on and write 500 words on exactly why it sucks, but that would probably not even justify it in my mind. It wouldn't be enough just to write why it sucks, because to me..it is more emotion based..if anyone can get my drift.
I wish i was a lot of things that i'm not. I guess that's regretting too. wishing you had other qualities than the ones who were given when u formed your personality. I guess i shouldn't beat myself up over it. I am who I am. theres no changing that, just improving the way i live and behave around others.
I don't know where i went wrong. I've tried to map it out in my mind, where my confidence failed me. Over the years, i can see how i used to be, and how i am now.
I am too trusting of some people. I will share everything about myself if someone will let me. But even with those who know me best, don;t realise that behind the sarcastic comments, the is a real seriousness behind it all. I mean almost every word i say. I am honest, too honest. And sometimes i don't realise the harshness of my comments till much later.
Basically, to get the the point of all this scatty rambling, is..i regret it. I regret the decision i made - which has effected my whole life and completely changed my goals and direction in life. I used to feel like i knew what i was doing, i felt safe knowing my future. Now i can't see whats gonna happen in the future, i can't see myself doing what i used to think i wanted.
Life sucks.

In My Place - Coldplay
In my place
In my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah

I was lost
I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

I was scared
I was scared
Tired and underprepared
But I wait for it

If you go
If you go
Leave me down here on my own
And I wait for you

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

Please, please, please
Come back and sing to me, to me, me
Come on and sing it out, out, out
Come on and sing it out to me, yeah
Come back and sing it

In my place
In my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
And I was lost, oh yeah
Oh yeah

Spin - Lifehouse
Why would I chase your shadow all my life
And be afraid of my own?
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than be alone and convinced that I know

When the world keeps spinning around
My world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
'Cause I know I'm not sure
About anything but you wouldn't have it any other way

When the world keeps spinning around
My world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Spinning
Turning
Watching
Burning
All my life has found it's meaning
Walking
Crawling
Climbing
Falling
All my life has found it's meaning

You and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

When the world keeps spinning around
My world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

American Girls - Counting Crows
She comes out on Fridays every time
Stands out in a line
I could have been anyone she'd seen
She waits another week to fall apart
She couldn’t make another day
I wish it was anyone but me
I could have been anyone you see
She had something breakable just under her skin

American girls are weather and noise
Playing the changes for all of the boys
Holding a candle right up to my hands
Making me feel so incredible

She comes out of closets every night
But then she locks herself away
Where she could keep everything from me
I could have been anyone you see
She’s nothing but porcelain underneath her skin

American girls are weather and noise
Playing the changes for all of the boys
Holding a candle right up to my hand
Making me feel so incredible

Little shiver shaking me everyday
But I could get this same thing anywhere
So if she goes away
Well, it's alright and I'm ok
Hey, she said come back again tonight
And I said, I might, I might, I might
She said, well that's alright
If it's alright, it's alright with you
If it's alright, if it's alright with me

I waited for an hour last Friday night
She never came around
She took almost everything from me
I’m going through my closets
Trying on her clothes, almost everyday
I could have been anyone you see
I wish it was anyone but me
Nothing but pills and ashes under my skin

American girls, oh
American girls
American girls
Oh, oh, oh, oh

American girls, oh
American girls
American girls
Oh, oh, oh, oh

You made me cry
You made me cry
You made me cry
Yeah, you made me cry
You made me cry
Hey, Miss American Girl
Oh, oh, oh, yeah

Running Away - Hoobastank
I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

'Cause I did enough to show you
That I was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough
And when I get close you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

Is it me?
Is it you?
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
Is it me?
Is it you?
Nothing that I can do
Is it a waste of time?

Is it me?
Is it you?
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind, no

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
(What is it I have to say?)
Why are you running away?
(To make you admit you're afraid?)
Why are you running away?

Beautiful Addiction
AudioVent
Change the bag
This IV's draining
And I'm afraid
I need another taste to keep me high
Inebriated
Broken, jaded
Still I need more of you inside
The pain you deal just kills me better
The pain is all that keeps me alive

You don't need your words
To sound like this
I am the hell that saved you
Now, all of your time
Is wasted through
I am the hell that saved you

Maybe it's manipulation
Who's to say?
And maybe I'm a fool
But it's my life
I hate to love to love to hate you
But there's no end for me in sight
So I'll be hooked on hating you
While you continue to suck me dry

You don't need your words
To sound like this
I am the hell that saved you
Now, all of your time
Is wasted through
I am the hell that saved you

You're just too beautiful
Another fool am I
You want me on my knees
You're just to beautiful
Another fool am I
You've got me down on my knees

You don't need your words
To sound like this
I am the hell that saved you
Now, all of your time
Is wasted through
I am the hell that saved you
That saved you

I Miss You
Incubus
To see you when I wake up, is a gift I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same, as I do, is a Three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me
That I can't explain
So would I be out of line, If I said
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on, the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days, but already I am wasting away
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know, that I care
And I miss you

Only One
Lifehouse
She's got a pretty smile
it covers up the poison that she hides
She walks around in circles in my head
waiting for a Chance to break me a chance to take me down
now i see this burden you gave me is too much to
Carry too much to bury inside
I guess you're the only one that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one left standing when everything else goes down
You're still the only one, you're still the only one

It's all shallow and all so appealing
I'm up to my ankles and i'm drowning
Anyway in a sea of sarcastic faces familiar places where everything looks
Quite the same here it's all confusingly amusing bitter and tainted
The picture you painted to me
I guess you're the only one that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one left standing when everything else goes down
you're still the only one
Who will never change faces
I guess you're the only one left standing
When everything else goes down

Just 'cause it's all in your head
Doesn't mean it has to be in mine don't believe what you said
still can't get it out of my mind
I've tried to find myself in approval
I've already been there already done that it got me nowhere
It brought me nothing but a good place to hide in no one to confide in now
I guess you're the only one that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one that will never change faces
I guess you're the only one

Here Is Gone
Goo Goo Dolls
You and I got somethin
But it's all and then it's nuthin to me, yeah
And I got my defenses
When it comes through your intentions for me, yeah
And we wake up in the breakdown
With the things we never thought we could be, yeah

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

I am no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me, yeah
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me, yeah

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I dont need the fallout
Of all the past that's in between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling

I know it's out there
I know it's out there
And I can feel you falling

I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah

Paradise
Vanessa Carlton
once upon a year gone by
she saw herself give in
every time she closed her eyes
she saw what could have been
well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds
when covers tucked in tight
funny when the bottom drops
how she forgets to fight... to fight

and it's one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise

as darkness quickly steals the light
that shined within her eyes
she slowly swallows all her fear
and soothes her mind with lies
well all she wants and all she needs
are reasons to survive
a day in which the sun will take
her artificial light... her light

and it's one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise
it's one more day in paradise
one last chance to feel alright... alright

don't pretend to hold it in just let it out
don't pretend to hold it in just push it out
don't you try to hold it in just let it out and
don't you try to hold it in you hold it in

[chorus]

once upon a year gone by
she saw herself give in
every time she closed her eyes
she saw what could have been

Catapult
Counting Crows
All of the sudden she disappears
just yesterday she was here
somebody tell me if I am sleeping
someone should be with me here
(cause I don't wanna be alone)

I wanna be the knife that cuts into my hand
and I wanna be scattered from here in this catapult
What a big baby won't somebody save me please
You won't find nobody home

all of these quiet battered voices
wait for the hunger to come
we got little revolvers and stupid choices
and no one to say when we're done
(Well I don't wanna bring you down)

I wanna be the light that burns out your eyes
`cause I know there's little things about me
that would sing in the silence of so much rejection
in every connection I make
I can't find nobody home
I wanna be the last thing you hear when you're falling asleep....

STANDING ON THE EDGE

I'm not asking for much
But I need a little time to try
What it is I want
And is it you this time

I wish that I knew you better
I wish that I knew know myself
I wanted to be forever
But now I see it’s only me

Standing on the edge of the world
Now I don’t want you to catch me
I want you to let me
Stand up here and walk on my own
I can’t learn to love you
If you’re all I know

Saw you waiting there
Across the parking lot
I told you, you never been so cold
You were looking for
All the things you know I’m not
And believe me I’ve tried
I’ve tried, oooh

I thought that I knew you better
Than I knew myself

Standing on the edge of the world
Now I don’t want you to catch me
I want you to let me
Stand up here and walk on my own
I can’t learn to love you
If you’re all I know

Uh-oh, uh-oh
Don’t let it change your mind
Whoa-oh, uh-oh
On and on and on and on....

Standing on the edge of the world
Now I don’t want you to catch me
I want you to let me
Stand up here and walk on my own
I can’t learn to love you
I can’t learn to love you
I can’t learn to love you
If you’re all I know

(Michelle Branch)

MY ASS IS NUMB.

It is so freezing outside. I was waiting to come inside for like 15 minutes - at la trobe, in front of the library there are heaps of tables and shit...all metal stools to sit on. So my ass is numb and my nose is numb cos its so fricken cold. arghh! i'm sure the feeling will return to my ass very soon. hehe. So how are all you fine people this cold and frosty morning?! Did anyone see phantom planet on rove last nite? I taped it :)
Ahh, i have anthropology today. I'm gonna buy a can of coke later though, b4 the lecture, cos i need caffine to keep me awake in the two hour lecture. Because anthropology is just so interesting, i want to be awake for it. lol.

Hotmail is a bitch. It keeps telling me the server is too busy. It won't let me delete all my junk mail. grr. But it would be nice if someone sent me some normal e-mail once in awhile. I only get chain stoopid letters and the occasional news update from the hive.
SEND ME AN E-MAIL evesygal@hotmail.com - no junk, just the good stuff.

I like libraries. not to sound nerdy, but i've always liked them. Maybe because its quiet and everything in a library is free. lol. Maybe it's just all the books and the magazines, like all the mags from the pines library i've ripped up for posters. their just relaxed places. I did get an offer once to train as a new tech librarian or sumthing like that. Because primary schools need staff skilled in infomation technology, and i fit the job description. nah, libraries are great to run a muck in. Cos you can run a muck quietly, and not get kicked out. LOL. like..change all the numbers on the aisle so that when ppl go to find a book, they end up in the wrong aisle. Or put viruses on all the computers, except one. Or follow ppl around the lib, and when u see them reaching for a certain book, beat them to it and borrow it out just to piss them off. Go to the reserve section and mix up all the file boxes, and move the only copies of the cinema studies book to another shelf. See..running a muck, quietly. It can be done!

hmm..its 9am. one hour till anth. I'm debating over wether i should bother coming to uni tomorrow. I only have one class, it'll seem like a waste to come in for it since it's only linguistics. But of course, the thursday uni market is on. And there's always this guy there with good cds, cheapish too. I'm always looking for a bargain cd. i've just ran out of things to say...

I was stained with a role in a day on my own
and as you walked into my life you showed what needed to be shown
but i always knew what was right
i just didn't know that i might peel away and ....
and i will never see the sky the same way again
and i will learn to say goodbye to yesterday and I
will never cease to fly...
i will always reach too high cos i've seen twilight
~ * * * ~
Well let me tell you I have seen a monster age of seventeen
Who'll let you in to kick you out and knows what love is "all about"
Hey now girl I see you walking by
And long ago you used to stop and talk now you just wink your eye
and I'm surprised you look all grown up
A champagne glass next to a paper cup
I stopped you just to say it
Hey now girl
Her tongue is black haven't you heard her mutter those three dirty words
For all those foolish boys to hear like a siren bringing ships so near
Hey now girl I see you walking by
And I remember how you used to smile or how hard you used to try
It's in your eyes and I'm in a trance
A winter chill next to a spring romance
I stopped you just to say it
Hey now girl

*MUAH*

time: 11:30 am monday morning
mood: hmm. dunno. But pissed off with record companies for spreading these shit copies of artist songs on the net!
listen: the vines 'get free' & incubus mtv unplugged 'miss you'

Music news, avril lavigne has broken some record in the US..or sumthing like that. Apparently, her album 'let go' keeps doing so damn well that each week theres like..a rise in album sales, and she's like the youngest person that's happened to or sumthing. So must be a good album if more and more ppl are buying it. But i already knew it was a good album.
Hanson has finished recording, their mixing. they'll be done soon. They'll prolly start promo end of this year and release the album early next year. Finally.

me: fuck. monday morning. uni at 3. i have stoopid books to buy and stoopid tutorial times to go find out. grr. uni sucks. 12 more weeks of this?! Faaaaaaaaakkk
And i swear..i'm gonna burn msn. cos its such a bitch.

ARGHH!!
Time: 2:13pm sunday arvo
mood: crap but improving
listen: avril, Tomorrow

rollingstone.com has some great features on avril. and if u have cable net..make sure u watch the videos cos its all good. Unfortunately my dial-up net connection is shithouse, so when i watch the avril videos it keeps rebuffering every 30 seconds.

I have been sick for the past few days. Since wednesday. I predicted that I would be worse by the weekend, but actually, i got sick wednesday - and it hit me like a bus. Amd wednesday was..freezing that night. Lucky me got to wait for almost 40 minutes for my dad to pick me up from heidelberg, so i was sick with a high temp, and freezing my ass off. My highest temp so far now, is 39.0 - go me! i didn't even feel that bad. And I was sick just b4 the semester exams..so.hopefully this won't be a reocurring thing.

Anyhoo..me hungry...bye byesss *MUAH* -oops..sorri..i'm sick. I don't wanna pass the germs. hehe. snoogens.