Underneath - Hanson

Waking up this morning thinking this can't be real
They say there's nothing love can't heal
Why don't you come on down so you can feel what I feel

Sitting all alone in this place
Even though we're here face to face
There is nothing gone but there's something wrong

Can't you see that I'm stuck here underneath
That you make it hard to breathe
Take a look around and tell me what you see
You'll find me underneath

I don't know what to say, would some know where to begin
I'm feeling that it's you beneath my skin
Well, if there was a notion for this pain that I'm in

Sitting all alone in this place
Even though we're here face to face
There is nothing gone, but there's something wrong

Can't you see that I'm stuck here underneath
That you make it hard to breathe
Take a look around and tell me what you see
You'll find me underneath
You'll find me underneath

If only you could feel what I dream
Maybe you hear what I mean
There is nothing gone but there's something...

Can't you see that I'm stuck here underneath
You make it hard to breathe
Take a look around and tell me what you see
You'll find me underneath
You'll find me underneath
Underneath

* * *

IT'S DONE! THE HAIR HAS BEEN CUT. lol. sorry, i know i'm making a big deal. i have pictures if anyone is interested? lol, i took pictures to send to my sister, cos she's away..and she's in a shit attitude at the moe, so she needs cheering up and pictures of me. naturally.

I am in a very good mood. the weather is great, i've been busy, and its been goot! I went out last night, which at first i was alittle worried about it, Shaz took me out to the 'Pool room' which is out in fern tree gully...far away. lol. I was expecting heaps of yobos and shit..there were a couple, but the night was pretty good. And i met shaz's friends and they are all very cool very nice people. But i had a few too many drinks last night, Shaz said he counted that i had about 6 drinks, and then started asking him not to give me anymore..and i still can't remember if i had both drinks...nevermind. lol, my memory is a little fuzzy, but i funnily enough i still remember everyone's names...lol. actually...no i do :)

But apart from all that from last night, i've been having a good day here. I made a cassette for Aub, i cleaned the house, and i've done stuff. And i've sat here in front of the computer for alittle too long looking at the sanity website and going through the pages and pages of animated dvds and videos...i'm up to page 29. But sanity is having a little sale, and a couple of anime films are on sale really cheap! BUT i will tell u all now, the uncut version of Ninja Scroll is coming out really really soon. But Sanity have wicked city, and vampire hunter and ghost in the shell cheap...sooo yay. But im looking forward to the uncut version of ninja scroll - which i've only seen once, and it really wasn't that graphic...the rape scene was kinda tame. But what really excites me is that sanity have Legend of the Overfiend on dvd. And i've been wanting to see that film, mostly because its mentioned in all my academic readings for my media topic.

I got into the animation class for cinema studies next year, woo! I'm really happy i got my first preferences for all my classes in cinema, but i can't actually remember what the codes on my form mean..and i don't exactly remember what the classes are...so i'll have to check that. I only hope that tomorrow when i get my media preference form back that i'm not too disappointed, because i dunno what i'll do if i don't get into radio production. there go all my plans..for a second time.

my mum got the matrix reloaded from the video store, so i'm gonna go watch, and eat something while i'm at it. hmmm...tim tams.

Mood: content
songs in my head: Third Eye Blind - Another Life

On the 14th of October it was Rach's birthday. She's 20 years old now. I wonder what she did, if she had a party, if she went out for dinner, anything.
But i'm not supposed to care, right?
Its hard to stop caring and to hate someone you've known for so long. But its even harder to come to terms with, when you realise that you never knew them at all.

Its a really nice day today. I'm getting my hair cut tonite, woo. I've had long hair for long enough, its time for it to go! Kinda makes me wish i was going out tonight. The last time i actually cut my hair was back in April. lol, and its now October..you know how they say you should cut your hair every 6-8 weeks to avoid split ends? yeah..well i basically ignore that. my hair is all ends :)
Actually now that i remember, the last time i cut my hair..i went to Street's cocktail party - *sigh* those were the good old days. lol. i'm feeling alot older now, i think responsibility has finally slapped me on the ass. I want to start making it on my own now, because i think i'm finally ready to do that.

Lisa sent me an e-mail, and there is a picture of a kitten in a beer glass...reminds me of the bonsai kittens site. lol.

Its almost 9am. This is the second last week of uni..woo.
I think i should probably go and do some work...i've been trying to do work all week, lol, but i haven't been too productive. Yesterday i finally got round to opening word and then i wrote down a biblography listing of all the books i took out of the lib. So from 10:30am ish till 8pm ish what exactly did i do all day? well apart from chatting to people all day, i updated my website, again. I read other people's blogs and then wondered why they don't update often enough. I went to some old websites, wondered why they didn't update anymore, then i visited a few other sites, and downloaded a whole stack of mp3s..and i still have more to download....urghh..this downloading is soo draining...who knew u could get tired from doing nothing?

ha. horrid. thats a funny word. Say it in a sentence like "OH how horrid" and with an english accent. haha. You know when your not really hungry, but u go and have a snack and then afterwards your like, "mmm. i want more" i feel like that right now. I have lots of work to do..but i really can't be bothered doing it..cos i would rather write bullshit in this blog than be actually doing something productive.
I updated my website the other day, tuesday i think. the front page looks cool and the index looks shite. I should probably move away from geocities, cos makes me go "arghhh" and maybe i should get more creative...maybe its time for frames? LOL. i have no html knowledge whatso ever...but i like fucking with pictures in photoshop..i only know a few basic things, but its fun...anyway.
The anime pictures i used for my website were of Revolutionary Girl Utena...go here http://www.ohtori.nu/ this site has heaps of info and pics and is damn pretty to look at.


"Not A Pretty Girl" - ani difranco
I am not a pretty girl
that is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distess
and I don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

I am not an angry girl
but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
every time I say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and I am sorry
I am not a maiden fair
and I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally I agree with them
trouble is you gotta have youself an alternate plan
and I have earned my disillusionment
I have been working all of my life
and I am a patriot
I have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if I knew that and I called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl

DJ EV. that doesn't sounds too cool. Maybe because i should never become a DJ - because my name is too horrid and too evil to be allowed next to the title of DJ.
My bro is having his 21st b'day party on the 31st of October - all my friends are invited to come along (i don't expect any of my friend to actually go)- BUT its in geelong. LOL. how the fuck are people gonna get there...i dun even know how i'll get there...But its gansta themed - and my bro has basically asked me to do some compliation cds for him - just some funky stuff, and tracks from soundtracks. I can't believe that my brother would actually leave me in charge of music for his fucking party - he is sooo stubborn, ignorant, and biased when it comes to music. If i tell him a band is good..he'll say its shit just because - THEN a month later a friend of his will tell him about the same band and then its fucking awesome. and thats just stoopid. I was downloading The Distillers the other nite..and he was like "WHY the fuck are u downloading them! YOU don't like them! You listen to fucking pop" And he hates it when i like some band he does. But he is slowly discovering DC...which is nice...cos now when ppl see his DC logo on his phone he can also say he likes the band.

OK. I'M very excited at the moment, because yesterday i got my very own dvd copy of Hanson Live at the Fillmore! wooooooo. I watched it today..and yayness! my dad got me the dvd from ebay...cos i kept nagging him for it - lol now im gonna work on getting the acoustic EP. woo. yeaah i know. i'm all teeny cos i still like hanson..but fuck u. their music makes me happy.

omg..i just found a site....a site i haven't seen in agess..it moved! stupid ppl..wait. stupid people.
anyway. i gotta gooo. australian idol will be on soon. HOW DARE THE STUPID VOTING PUBLIC OF AUSTRALIA NOT VOTE FOR LEVI. that was disgusting last nite. Paulini and Levi were up with Shannon in the bottom three. Rob should have been up there instead of Paulini..that was soooo bad. And Levi gets booted out - soooo unfair. I voted for Levi..so neh.

boogie list:
Jungle Boogie - Kool and the Gang
Across 110th Street - Bobby Womack
Let's stay together - Al Green
Son of a Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield
As time goes by - Louis Armstrong

When i'm in a shite mood - i just put on some music and its just lifts me up and i'm in a fantastic mood for the rest of the day. A funky tune, a profound lyric - a good song can just make me forget about my life, make me forget about whats been troubling me. And make me feel like i can do anything to the right music.
Its kinda like this 'higher' spiritual music experience. So thats what i'll call it for now. But music has always done this to me, always reminded me of who i am, what my aspirations are..or were in some instances. Its inspiring. And damn well makes me want to get down and boogie.

here are some of my latest aquisitions:
Miles Away - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Me Against the Music - Britney feat. Madonna
A little less talk, more action (extended mix) - Tim Delux
Wasted - Cam Farrar
Tangled - Maroon 5
Bigger Than my Body - John Mayer
Troubled - Pink
Light your ass on fire - Busta Rhymes ft. Pharrell
Re-offender - Travis

Low - Kelly Clarkson

Everybody's talking
But they don?t say a thing
They look at me with sad eyes
But I don't want the sympathy
Its cool you didn't want me
Sometimes you can't go back
Buy why'd you have to go and make a mess like that
Well I just have to say
Before I let go

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low

No I don't need your number
There's nothing left to say
Except I never thought it'd hurt this much to be sane
My friends are outside waiting
I've gotta go

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low
What you did was low (low)
What you did was low (low)
What you did was low (low)

I walk out of this darkness
With no sense of regret
And I go with a clear conscience
We both know that you can't say that
Here's to show
For all the time I loved you so
So

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low
Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low
Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
Cause what you did was low

I really really like this song. And somehow in my current state it fits. I think i made progress today, i finally came to terms with some stuff that i've been dealing with of late, and i've realise that saying i don't care about things and people is a crock of shit. I care all too much, and thats my problem. I worry, I cry over things that keep me awake at night. I can't sleep when something is on my mind, when something troubles me, when someone hurts me or offends me. I don't understand some people, and I guess i never will. I want to accept people for who they are, and i forget about the shit they've done, but how can u be friends with someone who isn't even a friend back. How can you care about a friend when they don't even have the decentcy to call you or write u an e-mail or let you know something, or trust you..or even tell you that they don't want to be friends with you.
Now, i'm not perfect. Trust me, i'll be the first to admit it. I hate my flaws, my imperfections everything about myself i want to change - i want to change myself my personality, everything, but i'm still learning things and the hard way. I throw myself into the deep end and try to swim. My whole life i've been stuck in situations, difficult situations that i couldn't escape only try to make the best of, my life isn't some comfy holiday, its hard - but i'm learning to appreciate it. And i appreciate every single person in my life, everyone i've ever known has affected me in some way. And i'm glad to say i've even learnt from my mistakes, and from other people - because i've seen how they treat people and i don't want to be like that.

I've done this stupid ranty shit so many times on my blog. I have to keep reassuring myself, that i'm not bad, that i'm not totally hopeless, that one day it will all be worth it. lol.

I wrote a short story last week, its about a boring married couple, who one day crack and try to break their routine lives. I kinda like it, but i needs work.

Anyway..i have a research report to begin.

Playlist:
Buried Myself Alive - The Used
Cute without the E - Taking Back Sunday
Asking Too Much - Ani Difranco
Beautiful - Me'shell Ndegeocello