It's weird...in a good way though. I'm weird. haha.
I've been a busy beee this week...especially yesterday it was just go go go for me. I had a rehersal in the radio studio...so i recorded my ads and practised for an hour and tried to time getting the 3aw network news at 5pm...except the clock in the studio was off by about 30 seconds! so i totally missed the news and had to cut a song and ARGHH!! its annoying me cos i haven't got it right yet. So i need lots more practise which i shall do next friday cos its the only day off i have from uni and work. Im thinking i need to go in on weekends now because otherwise i'll never catch up...everyone else in the class know what their doing and I think i'm getting better at putting on a show..but i don't have the same experience as everyone else. But I try my darn hardest! yeeehaw.

Episode 127-128 of naruto is out now! I'm downloading it off Bit Torrent as i type this...i'm excited...its been one week too long without naruto to keep me happy. I was watching samurai champloo last night...it has to be one of the better anime series to come out of japan in recent years. Also i bought myself a copy of vol. 5 of Azumanga Diaoh - did i spell that right? And I love azumanga diaoh...i got my brother hooked on it too ;) its soooooo good. So that means there is only one volume left of the series to collect and watch and love...so thats exciting. Im seriously considering lay-buying the 'his and her circumstances' dvd set. it's $119 and it would be well worth it cos it'll have the dub and the orginal soundtrack and good decent subtitles on it (not like my samurai champloo dvds which are shockingly subtitled - thats what u get for buying cheaper inferior copies) Meanwhile i have only a few episodes of Revolutionary girl Utena to watch...and i must say that for when that series was made...they managed to get away with alot of innuendo and metaphors for sex - it's not explicit in anyway..in fact its very subtle and you don't even realise it till it happens..especially with the Utena and Akio scene.
And also i have too much macross plus to watch...Tristan wants it back i think..and he wants his gameboy back...woops. I haven't had much time for games lately..im waiting for a chance to just sit back and get a whole day's worth of gaming and anime in. See if i didn't have a job i'd still be sitting on my bum like a bum watching anime, eating noodles and playing PS2. meanwhile..my noodles are almost ready. excuse me.

nothing can bring me down...except one thing

The road to sanity has not been an easy one these last few days - in fact all my insecurities are starting to surface, I can feel the cracks already appear in my self-confidence. What I want and what I have are becoming two very different things. I was set on something - and then stupidly I agree to listen to things and people who tell me what I already know but all too late. And I don't want this "what if" question hanging over my head. Because it was there last night. I could feel the seriousness of what he was trying to tell me, even if i told him it didn't matter - it did to him. Even when i said i didn't care, he took the hint but still wanted to tell me everything that he was feeling and thinking. He was sorry for what he'd said thursday to me, but also that he realised then that I actually meant something...not alot..but I was someone he liked and it took his blutness to realise that. After so much abusive language in the car driving home last nite, i got over it. I'll think what I want to, I'll be friends with him, but I can't do more than that.


I know what I want now - I feel it so much. And it's driving me crazy. I wonder if he's out there thinking of me - if he's going crazy too ...lol i guess the cat is out of the bag now....but i feel very very lucky to have found something or someone as sweet as him. I don't deserve anything good right now, but i hope i don't mess this up. knowing me i'll mess it up and sabotage it in some way. My insecurities are already playing up - and all these scenario's are playing in my head like some bad melodrama. But i just think that if i think of the worst now - it won't come true. So I'm hoping for the best - that I don't run and hide and that maybe if i just go with the flow i'll be okay.

Last nite on the train to Frankston:

26/3/05

I haven't felt this way in so long. please don't let me down, please don't let me down.
Whatever happens tonight happens, whatever I wish for will and won't come true. but I don't care, just please don't take this feeling away from me.
It's been too long since I've been this excited. It's been forever since I've felt this way for someone. I don't even know if this is real, but I don't care because its the feeling I've been looking for. I've searched so many places, I thought I had found it again, but I was mistaken. Now it's here again, the same familiar feeling from long ago. It's knocking at my door waiting for me to open up.
Whatever happens, happens.
Whatever will be, will be.
No forcing, no changing.

27/3/05

we got alot of time and it sure feels right:
The juliana theory - top of the world
dashboard confessional - hands down
david franj - oxygen
howie day - collide
steven speaks - passenger seat
ben lee - get gotten & into the dark

I'm so happy I think I'm gonna pass out!

Nah I won't. But I couldn't sleep last nite at all - I could only think of him and how close he was to me. I couldn't focus, I couldn't breathe half the night because my heart was racing. I knew I wanted him and I had him - But I still wanted his arms around me the whole nite. He was just so sweet and last night was all him. I swear I didn't do anything but turn up - and to think that if I hadn't turned up I wouldn't be this happy today. All that effort was worth it and I can feel it. I get these feelings in my stomach like butterflies - and I know that it's right. I just don't want this feeling to leave me ever again. I'm on top of the world - nothing can bring me down....