ON the 7th of March was the day my dog died. Thinking about it now - it was so surreal then. We made a decision which ended the life of our beloved pet. Everytime I look outside I keep thinking she'll be there...but she's not. When I walked up the steps to the house, I waited to hear her barking at me - but i heard nothing. I saw the back gate wide open and the first thought that jumped into my head was "She'll escape!" then I remembered that it didn't matter anymore. Its starting to sink in now...I'm waiting for it to get easier. I have to remind myself that it was our decision - and we have to live with it. But I don't want to...I just wish it was all so different. It could have turned out better for her.

I try to keep myself busy...but its hard. I'm reminded of it all the time - especially when i'm at home. Its all my mum talks about to me - its like she's trying to justify her decision to her self and to me...She had second thoughts, but its too late now. There was never a guarantee that it would work out..when so many things went wrong. She was only 7 years old. I'm making it worse for myself now by writing here. But the thing I have to understand is why. Why her? why did she have all the problems? But there are no answers, only theories and assumptions. One thing everyone keeps thinking is 'This shouldn't have happened'. Maybe I'd be better off now if i didn't watch...if i had missed the whole event like my sister did - "Where's Briggetta?" she said as the vet drove down our drive way with our dog lying in the trunk of his car. "Where do you think?" I spat at her through my tears - "She's gone". I was pissed. It was an important thing and she wasn't there to say goodbye. But aubrey doesn't reall care about the pets that much...she does, but only when it suits her. But that's how she is. Its better though I must admit...talking to people about this. Lisa and Tremain have been a big help to me through this...they both listened to my sobbing over the phone..they didn't have to, but they did. And James has been understanding...he let me skip bandpractise (not like i need his permission). And that shot of makers mark that i had...helped in a weird burning/warm way. I feel like calling one of them now...like...hearing someone else's voice will calm me...comfort i guess is what i'm looking for.

Anyway. I just got a call from mark S...me, lis and him are going to see a movieeee....my headache is almost gone...and i've just cried..Again. great...now i'm gonna have a red face. I'd better pretty myself up now.

I don't think I can sleep tonight. I don't know if I want to - especially if it means that I have to wake up tomorrow knowing that Briggetta is not there. I sit wondering if what we did was right? If it was so humane then why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel guilty for it?
I felt like maybe we could have given her more time - but she had so much time and it was breaking us all to see her like that. Telling myself that it was the right thing to do - that maybe we could have stopped it, that we could still have her. And now I sit here wishing it could all be different - wishing that I didn't have to watch her fall into her forced sleep. I can cry all I want, but it won't change things. I can wish all I want, but whats done is done. We can't go back and change things, and now we've lost something close to us and it just feels empty and wrong without her.



"Little angel you gotta learn to fly, get up, earn your wings tonight -


Little angel just look in my eyes, get up and earn your wings tonight..."

Utada Hikaru - Kremlin Dusk

All along I was searching for my lenore
In the words of Mr Edgar Allan Poe
Now I'm sober and nevermore
Will the raven come to bother me at home
Calling you
Calling you home
You
Calling you
Calling you home

By the door you said you had to go
Couldn't help me any anymore
This I saw coming long before
So I kept on staring out the window
Calling you,
Calling you home...
You,
Calling you,
Calling you home...

I am a natural entertainer
Aren't we all holding pieces of dying ember?
I'm just trying to remember who I can call,
Who can I call?
Home,
Calling you,
Calling you...

I brought a secret propoganda
Aren't we all hiding pieces of broken ember?
I'm just trying to remember who I can call,
Who can I call?

Born in a world of opposite attraction
Is it or is it a natural deflection?
Torn by the arms in opposite directions
And is it or is it a modern mis- reaction?

Born in a world of opposite attraction
Is it or is it a natural deflection?
Torn by the arms in opposite directions
And is it or is it a modern mis- reaction?

Is it like this?
(Born in a world of opposite attraction)
Is it always the same?
When a heartache begins,
(Torn by the arms in opposite directions)
Is it like this?

Do you like this?
(Born in a world of opposite attraction)
Is it always the same?
Will you come back again?
(Torn by the arms in opposite directions)
Do you like this?

Is it always the same?
And will you come back again?
Do you like this?
Oh, do you like this?

Is it like this?
(Born in a world of opposite attraction)
Is it always the same?
(Is it or is it a natural deflection?)
(Torn by the arms in opposite directions)
If he changes my number,
(And is it or is it a modern mis- reaction?)
Will you tell me?

Is it like this?
Is it always the same?
When a heartache begins,
Is it like this?

If you like this,
Will you remember my name?
Will you come play it again,
If you like this?
Oh, do you like this?