ok. just testing. below this blog, after the line "posted by evesy @ blah time" is a little blue link that says 'comment' and a little number after it. I've been meaning to put some sort of comment system on this blog for awhile...and im just testing this out to see if anyone would actually bother writing me their thoughts or whatever on what i've got here. So give it a go, write crazy stuff and abuse me for the fun of it - i don't care just as long as someone uses it. someone other than me.

Im tired. my arms are sore. my feet are sore. my eyes are sleepy. My head is headachey. And people suck. I just read someone's blog and it made me wanna slap someone. And i read alot of blogs - cos other people's lives are just more interesting than my own. I decided the other day that i would write things in this blog which mean something more and something more profound than just what i did and didn't do today.

But whatever i say your all gonna judge me anyway. You will all criticise me for my bad spelling, my incorrect truths, indecisive-ness, for my ignorance and fucked up point of view. Why i do things, no matter how stupid, usually have some sort of reasoning behind it. Ok. thats not true and i knew it, but still wrote it. See i even try lying to myself somtimes. doesn't really work.

Tell me, who in this world knows what they want? What they really want. Not some half-baked idea of what they think would be nice or would like to have. Who has everything they want, is anyone truly happy? And how can someone live with their decisions - even the bad ones.
I wish i had some idea why i'm never happy, why i can't be happy. Why i have to turn everything into some dramatic tragedy.
I wish i had back what I lost. And i think im looking for that again, for a feeling. For all that time and energy i spent when i was younger being in love with idols. And now im not prepared, now im just making it up as i go and fucking it up every step of the way.
And i can't stand it. I hate myself more than anyone will know because of this, because i won't let myself fall into a trap, because i don't want to play the game but secretly want to.
I used to know what i wanted. I had it all figured out. I never really thought about relationships, boys were just something to look at. But maybe now i see that i want something more, i want someone. But right now isn't the time. I just disappointed myself with Jon, i just couldn't see him as something more than as a friend.
Everyone thinks im so fucking careless, indecisive, and fucking clueless to what i want. And yeah, maybe i am alittle. I do act like its all no big deal, and i can't believe im writing this all down, but really for me, it is a big deal or it will be some time in the future. I don't think about it much because i really don't want to, But i've always imagined myself finding the right person, but considering the traditional values of marriage etc, the idea of staying with the same person for my whole life is kinda daunting and sounds boring, but i guess if i find that someone i want to spend my life with then im sure i'll think differently about it.
Im not looking for That someone now though, im just looking for something. What that is i don't know yet, but i hope i'll know it when i find it.

i feel dizzy now. like im about to fall of this chair.

The best thing on days like this is a foot bath.
I wish i had one of those electrical ones, you know a spa for your feet. But for me, just sitting on the edge of the bathtub and sitting my feet in a few inches of water does the trick.
And ice cream is good too. I had some before - and ahhh bliss.
It's weird how on hot days i appreciate the little things, how good a foot bath feels, how refreshing ice cream can be.
But i also realised that public transport is the devil and who ever decided that those mini buses don't need proper air cond should be SHOT IN THE HEAD. fuck it was hotter in the bus than it was outside.
Right now all i wanna do is have a cold bath and wash my hair. so if you'll excuse me. ta ta

I must be invisible. No one can see me. Or no one cares to see me. or wants to. When i come online ppl must be like this "Oh...its ev. *sigh*"
I don't talk to everyone online...but a nice HI is good enough. BUt nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...i am invisible.

I went out last nite to lily's party - and klein was there, and lisa was there and Eamon was there. and i had a pretty good time. lisa got to sit on me, i got very very light headed, and mark's teeth got hurt. i think. mark also got lost on the way to my house hehe...like a little lost puppy. heheee.
ANYWAY - im in a pretty good mood today, i sat on the couch this morning watched DEAD MAN and the naked chief.

and im pretty hungry rite now actually.