is it cos im cool?

daft punk - around the world
her space holiday - something to do with my hands
brand new - secondary
funeral for a friend - the getaway plan
mxpx - everything sucks (cos all i ever needed was to eat popcorn with you)

and for those who like their music dirrty...

pussycat dolls - don't cha
timbaland & magoo - love 2 love ya
koffee brown - quickie
J-kwon - tipsy
ludacris - stand up

AND the obligatory Amerie song - 1 THING

WELL KIDS - i could post another sad bastard blog about how i'm feeling all down and upset about the shit thats been going down. BUT that would be just too depressing even for me. Despite what i feel now - Im more determined than ever now to be in this band - and if they wanna throw me out of the band they'll have to do it with me kicking and screaming. Cos im not going fucking anywhere.

So last nite was supposed to be the night "we'd be clubbing" ice cube and dmx style - but like it didn't happen. Almost happened. Instead i picked up the girls and we went to the tempy and met up with da boyz. Well that lasted about ten minutes, because the tempy is pretty quite and underconstruction on a thursday night. So we went to the irish pub Flanaggan's down at the donnie hotel. Which I don't mind - and there were more ppl there than at the tempy. The tempy will actually be really cool once it's renovated - but right now its a hole. Literally.
So at Flanagan's morgs got all drunk - lisa drank lemon lime and bitters, and i drank coke. after alittle gambling and Al making only 15 cents on the pokies ..we left for maccas and then I left after that and didn't get home till 1am with the car. Considering my car curfew (my parents care more about the car being out late than me) was at 11 according to my dad and 12.30 according to my mum - neither one of them has said anything about my 1am return. Im alittle miffed that i didn't get my alcamhole - but like i got to see friends and that made me feel 100 times better than any alcoholic high could.

I feel like what im doing isn't worth it anymore - because people who i respected don't respect me enough to tell me to my face what i'm doing wrong. Instead they choose to talk behind my back, make plans to replace me - tell others that my backing vocals aren't working out - that i don't know this, and i won't do this and that. I don't feel like i'm being heard - and i feel like i've just been gutted from the inside out because these people care enough about the band to be good - but don't care enough to tell speak to me. I don't feel like i'm part of the band - because well...im not. I'm just there and do what i'm told. The only one i speak to is james but his attitude of late has been giving me the shits and i have no allies in the band whatsoever. cookie doesn't count cos he's not in the band - he's just always there. But even so, last nite was between me and james and the others could have spoken up - told me to stop being stupid and given me their opinion - but they didn't. and quite clearly it shows that i've got nowhere to go. I want to give this band my full commitment - but i honestly don't know whats going to happen. I've been learning the songs - and i now have to go out and buy some head phones cos none of mine fit into the bass synth. So im waiting for my dad to get back with the car so i can head down to JB or somewhere and get sum. might msg cookie about the keyboard stand. Thinking of borrowing one for the gig - but i might end up having to pick one up this weekend reguardless. Everything costs money, and i have a limited supply. James forgets that i hardly work at myer cos im a casual - he forgets that i can't save, not because i spend it all - but i don't earn enough to save with all my costs of mobile bills, and public transport costs, (which is quite alot even on concession cos i have to travel zones 1,2,3 almost everyday during uni), uni stuff like books, minidiscs for class and cds. He thinks only of what he wants to happen and after last night he gave off the impression that he didn't even want to help me out. I mean where am i gonna find a stand for a a fricken two octave keyboard ..it's a fucking midget of a keyboard..it'll probably fall off the stand when i'm playing it anyway..i'll have to buy some blue tack also...
I don't blame deniz for questioning my commitment to the band - even im not that sure. I know i want to be in it, but everything is so up in the air and with uni...i want to stay in melbourne, heck i'd love to stay in victoria - but the point of my course is to get a job and that could mean moving well away from here. And while the thought scares me, i have to do it - but i'm also excited about it. But i guess i could also be getting ahead of myself - i may not actually get a job at all....but i want to think positive. About all aspects and honestly - if i didn't want to be in the band i wouldn't turn up every week. I just wish they'd ALL talk to me about it...because im sick of hearing everything from james.

I'm feeling alittle under the weather today. You know, its the usual shit for me. Good thing i didn't have that shift at myer today - otherwise i probably would have ended up throwing up on a customer and that would have been very very bad...ah well. customers suck. I'm so over myer and working - i'm so anti-myer is not funny. Honestly its a bad attitude and one that could get my ass kicked if i don't fix it up. I just wish i was anywhere but at myer. and im sick of getting screwed around by them. but they sent my group cert. in the mail so i can do my tax now.

My family is expecting a Japanese student this coming Thursday. So that shall be exciting - and awkward. oH FUCK. I was supposed to go to a 21st tonite! WHOOPS. just remembered that exact second ago. hmm oh well. I'm reading white ninja right now...very funny. I saw star wars with lisa last nite - that was fun. we scared the ticket girl at the cinema. haha...memories.
and im downloading ep 7 of family guy season 4, which is turning out to be pretty good so far. If you haven't seen the puking scene - i suggest you all watch it now. Also i've been listening to some new music, mostly all the cds cookie lent me...
The bravery, nine inch nails, finch...yeah its all fucking good.

And my most favourite cd - Her Space Holiday "the young machines" ...one of the best records i've ever heard, its like happy emo electronica. its sweet as and i was told that missing link was getting more of HSH's records in so im gonna go visit and pick up whatever they've got and the anadivine records which i've wanted for awhile now.

anyway im gonna read sum more of the new harry potter book while i wait for episode 7 to finish downloading....