Ok. so here it is. the blog i said i'd write again. But now i don't feel the need to write up the same stuff as yesterday, so this will just be about today and the previous couple of days i suppose.

I've realised that my internet at home is stupid and doesn't refresh blogspot pages.
anyway. i think i've done some thing stupid. I volunteered my services to the la trobe channel 31 tv program. Which is cool. But this means now i have responsibility.
BUT to any of you out there with nothing to do on monday @ 2pm come along to the athenaeum theatre(did i spell that right?) 188 collins street for a darren and brose comedy festival gig. It should be greeaat. and for those of u who like their prey young, i believe a few high schools will be there so come along and check out the show and sum chicks mate. But it'll be full of uni humour and these guys always put on a good show so come along. Im not sure if it'll cost you anything - bring money in case - but probably not. Well i dunno..i mean i know i will be getting in for free.
And i mite as well help them out monday, i mean...i got nuthing better to do.

Meanwhile, i applied for a job yesterday! woot go me. You should see my resume. its damn funky now. Its amazing what a change of font and a few lil lines can do for you!
I've been thinking for awhile now to change this blog skin. I found a great one of beyonce and it even plays music...when i can be bothered i'll change it. But changing requires re-doing the tag board and the comments. Not that its hard, its just annoying. Please TAG my lil board. it's feeling lonely. and please write me some comments. nothing stupid. i don't want to be flooded by annoying useless comments again.

also i'll update my website again soon, i'll change the pictures and buttons around again, i've recently cleaned up the site and my geocities account cos it was full of old pictures and stuff. And i mite put up a few select pictures or something. There haven't been any new pictures for awhile.

I've also been writing again. I've decided maybe its time to get myself motivated and write something about what i know about life. I was thinking of having only two or three characters and creating some kind of relationship between them. But i don't really want some joey-pacey-dawson love triangle thing cos thats been done to death. Also i've been writing lyrics. maybe soon i'll put some up here. Cos i mean that was the original point of this blog to post lyrics and stufff up. My own lyrics - i usually post other people's stuff cos it means something to me at the time.

I was talking to james the other nite. (i think he's avoiding me on the net - like most ppl- or thats just paranoia talking) and he was making his own blog which is v.cool - but he said that i was a blog queen cos i have soooooooo many archives etc. Well basically cos i've been doing this for awhile pretty consistently. Well rite now i've decided to look back on my blog - see what I've written. And im really still as confused about things as i was two years ago.

Nothing has changed. And thats pretty depressing really. Im still single. But im not crushing on two guys as I was back in April 2002. I couldn't remember who the second guy was but now i've figured it out lol.

So much has changed though. How i feel about things. Instead of wanting to be in a relationship - if u read those blogs from 2002 i was pretty interested in those things, i have a lot of blogs/rants about relationships - but right now i choose to be like this. I am single by choice now it seems. And im okay with it. Seriously. I am okay with it. But i guess right now im falling back into that "bUT IT would be nice to kinda have someone.." thinking. But if all i do when im with someone is wish i was somewhere else with someone better than maybe its best not to even bother with these things.
So i shall become a nun and live happily ever after with a cat and eat chocolate for when ever i get 'those' cravings.

If you read blogs from March 2003 you'll see im very much depressed with being by myself. But honestly, I must like the single life..*shruggs* i dunno. its just i don't feel the need, and im glad im like that. That im not one of those people who needs someone constantly for comfort ot reassurance. Maybe this means that i've accepted who i am and who im going to be. Maybe this means im happy with life and where im at right now. and thats not such a bad thing is it?

i just wrote a blog. and now its gone.

fuck it. i'll write it again later.

'I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.'

I feel like I've been wondering around. Lost in my own thoughts for too long. I feel like Im waiting to wake up any moment now and all this will be a dream. The un-satisfying ending, but an ending and a beginning to all of this. I suppose i would feel cheated if I was to wake up and realise everything I'd ever known so far was only a dream. But sometimes I feel like im watching life rather than living it. I've always feared growing up. Getting older. and wasting my life. I think I'm wasting my life right now. This time next year, i don't know where i'll be. I had it all planned out - and then i went to university and my plan changed slightly. Now its changed indefinitely. So now I fear not being able to get a job, now I fear all my dreams have died, now I fear the change that's to come. Some how this litany of fear is comforting. Some how the ideas within it, the thought of it is almost calming like it would be to the fictional bene gesserits. But my world is non-fiction. There are so many realities within realities. One person's lifestyle would seem extreme compared to mine or vice versa.

'To the world you are one person - but to one person you are the world.'
Is this how I used to think it would be like? That I would be stuck here, living this mundane existance. Im confused about a few things at the moment. I read something the other day - about things I already knew about myself, but seeing it written, from another total neutral point of view was alittle scary. Maybe i do need to change my ways. About how i play the game. As i was watching today, 'Love is a game. Easy to start. Hard to finish.'
When i say game - i could be refering to the game of life..etc. depends on how you want to interpret that. I know how you all will anyway. so that was pointless. anyway.


sneaker pimps - walking zero
blondie - heart of glass
de la soul - stakes is high
new order - blue monday
sweetbox - unforgiven
pete murray - please
basement jaxx - get me off


Im drowning in what pity is left for you
here in my heart only darkness surrounds
what i used to believe in was you
Now only i remain
i feel the weight of the world on my shoulders
you've drained me emotionally.
I want to walk on my own
i can do it without you
i know that it'll hurt you
But im too tired to care