"Goodbye To You"
Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
- One of my favourite songs ever. And today I was able to think about the song in a different way. I realised that, it doesn't have to all be sad to lonely when things (or ppl) go awry. Situations in life can motivate you. Like at the moment, I'm having a huge wake up call. And i've realised, that i've been stupid and silly about everything I've ever done. Last nite was a mistake. I had fun..i guess. before the barfing, after the dizzy double vision thing finished. Considering I couldn't even walk straight, and today I'm still feeling the after effects of it. Of course when i wokr up this morning, and my left eye was stinging - I remembered that some shmuck(andrew) squeezed lemon in my eye. I remember the evil feelings of alchol swirling around my insides then wanting to be brought up. I still feel guilty about the rug.
And I feel guilty about everything i said last nite. Because i know if she caught wind of any of it - i'm dropped as a friend forever. But i didn't bitch. It wasn't bitching. It was telling it like it is. I don't want trouble. I just needed to vent - and alchol gave me that release even if it was short lived. Of course, if anyone wants to know my true feelings, please try and live like me for a few days, see how i see things, try and feel the hurt, rejections and uslessness from my P.O.V.
But I see now, i know my limit. When i start seeing double, that's the time to stop. When i can't walk straight anymore..thats the time to stop. when all i do is fall and hurt my knees(i have a huge bruise on my right knee) that is when alchol is enough.
No more shots. well..not more than five.
"Tomorrow"
And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Ya I try to believe you,
But I don't
When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...
I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day
It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just don't
Gimme a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...
I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, and I know I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow
And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Yeah I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...
Tomorrow it may change
p.s there is a point to my cuting and pasting (&editing) of these song lyrics. i have used them time and time again(papa roach) in my blogs, but today they seemed poigant, and in some way might be able to explain a little about how i feel right this moment. *muah*
Saturday, October 05, 2002
Thursday, October 03, 2002
"Ender Will Save Us All"
Dashboard confessional
It's just like you to contest
you wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
with your charm & in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise.
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is is you need?
Is it within me?
It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you.
The harder I push the further I fall.
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.
But you don't want to sing along.
Maybe it's trite but I can always be wrong
Try not to be wrong.
BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO SING ALONG - I CAN'T ALWAYS BE WRONG
don't fuck with me today. I am not in the mood. I am sick of some people and their stoopid insecurities and problems. They let them get in the way of everything. And I mean everything! I wish i could tell people to grow up - and stop acting like lil bitchy primary school brats. My closest friends - are not so close anymore. I mean, I knew this year was going to be hard. I never thought it would be a walk in the park. Considering we are all split up and in seperate places, doing our own things. I just hate the distance factor. It seems now we all have new friends, new groups. New ideas are coming up. I mean, we're all growing up slowly. I hate being older. things suddenly become so fucking complex, especially when they don't have to be. Things are not all black and white. Now things are grey, and off-white.
But why can't ppl put the little things behind them. I don't see my friends that often. And you'd hope that when u call them or see them - they can be a little happy to see u or hear from u. I just don't like it when i call a friend up - and they sound surprised to hear from me. WELL DUH. i am ur friend. Friends do call each other to see how each other is doing. Just because one friend is too fucking lazy(bitchy) to call the other...ARGGHHH!!! I COULD SCREAM. AND WHAT IS IT WITH BOYFRIENDS. You know how you all say "I'd never let a guy get between me and my friends" OK - we'll when someone says that, then does THAT - in my book that person is generally called a Hypocrite. I mean fuck. THIS IS NOT JEALOUSY. tHIS IS a friend speaking - who misses another friend. who funnily enough..doesn't seem to give a shit. I've been asking myself, why do I care? Why - because she was my friend. And i don't dismiss friends that easily (not without a fight anyway). I guess it just hurts. friendship is a fickle business. they come and go so quickly. I feel unwanted. and it sucks.
"The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most"
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,
and covered with a perfect shell,
such a charming beautiful exterior.
This is one time
that you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone or anyone at all.
And the grave that you refuse to leave
the refuge that you've built to flee
the places you have come to fear the most.
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,
and hidden in the public eye.
Such a stellar monument to loneliness.
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
and perfect makeup but you're barely scraping by.
Dashboard confessional
It's just like you to contest
you wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
with your charm & in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise.
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is is you need?
Is it within me?
It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you.
The harder I push the further I fall.
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.
But you don't want to sing along.
Maybe it's trite but I can always be wrong
Try not to be wrong.
BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO SING ALONG - I CAN'T ALWAYS BE WRONG
don't fuck with me today. I am not in the mood. I am sick of some people and their stoopid insecurities and problems. They let them get in the way of everything. And I mean everything! I wish i could tell people to grow up - and stop acting like lil bitchy primary school brats. My closest friends - are not so close anymore. I mean, I knew this year was going to be hard. I never thought it would be a walk in the park. Considering we are all split up and in seperate places, doing our own things. I just hate the distance factor. It seems now we all have new friends, new groups. New ideas are coming up. I mean, we're all growing up slowly. I hate being older. things suddenly become so fucking complex, especially when they don't have to be. Things are not all black and white. Now things are grey, and off-white.
But why can't ppl put the little things behind them. I don't see my friends that often. And you'd hope that when u call them or see them - they can be a little happy to see u or hear from u. I just don't like it when i call a friend up - and they sound surprised to hear from me. WELL DUH. i am ur friend. Friends do call each other to see how each other is doing. Just because one friend is too fucking lazy(bitchy) to call the other...ARGGHHH!!! I COULD SCREAM. AND WHAT IS IT WITH BOYFRIENDS. You know how you all say "I'd never let a guy get between me and my friends" OK - we'll when someone says that, then does THAT - in my book that person is generally called a Hypocrite. I mean fuck. THIS IS NOT JEALOUSY. tHIS IS a friend speaking - who misses another friend. who funnily enough..doesn't seem to give a shit. I've been asking myself, why do I care? Why - because she was my friend. And i don't dismiss friends that easily (not without a fight anyway). I guess it just hurts. friendship is a fickle business. they come and go so quickly. I feel unwanted. and it sucks.
"The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most"
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,
and covered with a perfect shell,
such a charming beautiful exterior.
This is one time
that you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone or anyone at all.
And the grave that you refuse to leave
the refuge that you've built to flee
the places you have come to fear the most.
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,
and hidden in the public eye.
Such a stellar monument to loneliness.
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
and perfect makeup but you're barely scraping by.
Wednesday, October 02, 2002
I'm thinking about moving my blog. But we'll see. at the moe, even though i may not like it..this does somewhat work.
remember to visit my site www.geocities.com/evesygal and sign the guestbook. I really do like feedback. I mean that. I luv it. It inspires me. And god knows we all need a lil inspiration in our lives.
I went to geelong today..to see my bro. Took forever to get there..and even longer to get back. But I rather like Torqay and bells beach. I would luv to get a beach house down that way. I'll buy a lil run-down shack perhaps. lol. that would be fun. And plus - every single surf label u can think of has it's shop down there. There's like this lil mall-ish place, and its just roxy, quicksilver, and all those brands. its like a heaven. And everyone down there dress like trendies. I found this shop though called rubarb. it had this tee shirt said something like 'I hate smiling in photos' and it was like 70 bucks. But extremely cool. almost made me wish i had 70 dollars to spend on a tee shirt. *sigh and thinks "One day...one day"*
go download 'hands down' by dashboard confessional.
i'M THinking about ideas for rach's b'day pressie. Do u know it's the 2nd of october! I had no idea it was october till this morning. The days just pass me by. I gotta keep up to date though...cos enrollments is coming up..when ever that is.
*muah*
p.s Yay for free CD's in the mail!
remember to visit my site www.geocities.com/evesygal and sign the guestbook. I really do like feedback. I mean that. I luv it. It inspires me. And god knows we all need a lil inspiration in our lives.
I went to geelong today..to see my bro. Took forever to get there..and even longer to get back. But I rather like Torqay and bells beach. I would luv to get a beach house down that way. I'll buy a lil run-down shack perhaps. lol. that would be fun. And plus - every single surf label u can think of has it's shop down there. There's like this lil mall-ish place, and its just roxy, quicksilver, and all those brands. its like a heaven. And everyone down there dress like trendies. I found this shop though called rubarb. it had this tee shirt said something like 'I hate smiling in photos' and it was like 70 bucks. But extremely cool. almost made me wish i had 70 dollars to spend on a tee shirt. *sigh and thinks "One day...one day"*
go download 'hands down' by dashboard confessional.
i'M THinking about ideas for rach's b'day pressie. Do u know it's the 2nd of october! I had no idea it was october till this morning. The days just pass me by. I gotta keep up to date though...cos enrollments is coming up..when ever that is.
*muah*
p.s Yay for free CD's in the mail!
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
listen: I've renamed my moody playlist to 'rockme' i thought it was less depressing.
Is it just me, or does the internet suck. The final 15 minutes of fame is over, the internet is boring. Nothing is updated, there are no new things to look for, and e-mail and messaging is just a pain in the butt.
Even the downloading is slower these days with all the sites and gnutella programs getting sued by the RIAA.
I wrote a song last nite, its called 'She's a bitch'. It's not as angry as I thought it would be. I guess I can't stay angry at the people I care about. especially about my friends. Sure they can piss me off - but i can't hate them the way I hate other things, like busy supermarkets or human nature. I mean - I hate those things with a fricken passion - but hating my friends? I can't. not for long any way. I guess I just hate fighting with them more than anything.
mood: I wish I could see you again tomorrow..to take all this sorrow.. I'm hollow.. When I touch you can you feel it, when I need you can you give it, when I look in your eyes can you see me...when I fall will you catch me? Misery is what I feel when your not around so I can't heal(feel).
I can always rely on music to tell me exactly how I'm feeling. I feel good around my friends, I guess i shouldn't spend so much time without seeing them. Maybe next year, when things are a bit more settled, I'll organise things. I just miss my friends too much. Maybe its time I started doing something about it. I'm gonna get my P's...then I'll be able to drive around, and see my friends. There's something about getting my P's...and finally having more freedom to be able to do what I want. But i do need a job. Money is such a hassel. Nothing comes for free these days, it just sucks. Everything we do has a price. I spent 20 bucks today. All gone. But i guess it was worth it, since most of it was spent on food. mmm..food. itz all good.
I'm in a singing mood today me thinks. Or a song writing mood. All these lyrics have been slowly spilling out of me these last few weeks. I'm getting enthusastic again about it.
Downloads:
Justin Timberlake - Like I love you (THIS IS THE BEST DAMN SONG OF THE YEAR - ITS EXCELLENT)
A*teens - Can't help falling in love (aww lilo&stich soundtrack)
Raven Maize - Fascinated
Avril Lavigne - I don't give a damn
*muah*
p.s - I think I finally learnt how to tie..a tie :)
Is it just me, or does the internet suck. The final 15 minutes of fame is over, the internet is boring. Nothing is updated, there are no new things to look for, and e-mail and messaging is just a pain in the butt.
Even the downloading is slower these days with all the sites and gnutella programs getting sued by the RIAA.
I wrote a song last nite, its called 'She's a bitch'. It's not as angry as I thought it would be. I guess I can't stay angry at the people I care about. especially about my friends. Sure they can piss me off - but i can't hate them the way I hate other things, like busy supermarkets or human nature. I mean - I hate those things with a fricken passion - but hating my friends? I can't. not for long any way. I guess I just hate fighting with them more than anything.
mood: I wish I could see you again tomorrow..to take all this sorrow.. I'm hollow.. When I touch you can you feel it, when I need you can you give it, when I look in your eyes can you see me...when I fall will you catch me? Misery is what I feel when your not around so I can't heal(feel).
I can always rely on music to tell me exactly how I'm feeling. I feel good around my friends, I guess i shouldn't spend so much time without seeing them. Maybe next year, when things are a bit more settled, I'll organise things. I just miss my friends too much. Maybe its time I started doing something about it. I'm gonna get my P's...then I'll be able to drive around, and see my friends. There's something about getting my P's...and finally having more freedom to be able to do what I want. But i do need a job. Money is such a hassel. Nothing comes for free these days, it just sucks. Everything we do has a price. I spent 20 bucks today. All gone. But i guess it was worth it, since most of it was spent on food. mmm..food. itz all good.
I'm in a singing mood today me thinks. Or a song writing mood. All these lyrics have been slowly spilling out of me these last few weeks. I'm getting enthusastic again about it.
Downloads:
Justin Timberlake - Like I love you (THIS IS THE BEST DAMN SONG OF THE YEAR - ITS EXCELLENT)
A*teens - Can't help falling in love (aww lilo&stich soundtrack)
Raven Maize - Fascinated
Avril Lavigne - I don't give a damn
*muah*
p.s - I think I finally learnt how to tie..a tie :)
Monday, September 30, 2002
Listen: my moody winamp playlist
mood: ...
I've finally figured it out. That I don't belong anywhere. That I'm not welcome anymore. That I'm losing touch with people I cared about, and thought actually gave a damn about me. But now I realise that I was never liked as much as I thought.
Maybe it's just me. That I'm looking for attention, but in all the wrong places. Or that, i get pissed off with ppl for not trying to make an effort to get to know me..when i'm the one doing exactly that. I haven't been out for awhile. It was good going to the city with lisa the other day, i miss our outings. I miss leanne, and amy and rach. But i never seem to do anything about it do I. I just let things happen..let things pass me by. Or I let others do things for me, cos i'm nervous - or shy..or just don't know how to help. I just don't know what to do. That's the story of my life. I never know where to begin, how to act, how to do things the right way. What's the right away about doing things? I want so many things, I wish I could be so many things I'm not. But I'm just me. I'm just evelyn. The same old girl, who has basically been driving herself down her own little path of destruction.
Do I want anyone to care? I think I do. I think that's why I write this. Maybe someone out there will relate, and feel sympathy towards me. no. I don't think I write for that. I like to think I write for me. A place for my own fears, dreams, and passions. A place to put my emotions down.
Fuck. How can I let myself be so stupid into believing that anyone actually gives a damn. I don't understand this world, the way people work. Why friends hate each other so much in e-mails, then be so fucking fine with it in person. I don't understand anymore. I don't want to understand either. I'm sick fo trying to understand others and no one giving a fuck to understand me. I don't know what I want anymore. I'm just fucked. I have emotions spewing. All I want to do is cry, but fuck, this is for the tears that I can't let go.
Maybe i'm just selfish. I'm living a selfish life. Everything is a mess.
Isn't anyone trying to find me..won't somebody come take me home.
It's a damn cold night, trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I'm with you.
mood: ...
I've finally figured it out. That I don't belong anywhere. That I'm not welcome anymore. That I'm losing touch with people I cared about, and thought actually gave a damn about me. But now I realise that I was never liked as much as I thought.
Maybe it's just me. That I'm looking for attention, but in all the wrong places. Or that, i get pissed off with ppl for not trying to make an effort to get to know me..when i'm the one doing exactly that. I haven't been out for awhile. It was good going to the city with lisa the other day, i miss our outings. I miss leanne, and amy and rach. But i never seem to do anything about it do I. I just let things happen..let things pass me by. Or I let others do things for me, cos i'm nervous - or shy..or just don't know how to help. I just don't know what to do. That's the story of my life. I never know where to begin, how to act, how to do things the right way. What's the right away about doing things? I want so many things, I wish I could be so many things I'm not. But I'm just me. I'm just evelyn. The same old girl, who has basically been driving herself down her own little path of destruction.
Do I want anyone to care? I think I do. I think that's why I write this. Maybe someone out there will relate, and feel sympathy towards me. no. I don't think I write for that. I like to think I write for me. A place for my own fears, dreams, and passions. A place to put my emotions down.
Fuck. How can I let myself be so stupid into believing that anyone actually gives a damn. I don't understand this world, the way people work. Why friends hate each other so much in e-mails, then be so fucking fine with it in person. I don't understand anymore. I don't want to understand either. I'm sick fo trying to understand others and no one giving a fuck to understand me. I don't know what I want anymore. I'm just fucked. I have emotions spewing. All I want to do is cry, but fuck, this is for the tears that I can't let go.
Maybe i'm just selfish. I'm living a selfish life. Everything is a mess.
Isn't anyone trying to find me..won't somebody come take me home.
It's a damn cold night, trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I'm with you.