I've realised its stupid having two blogs. because what am i afraid of to post here that i'm not afraid of to post in my other one. I guess because i know some people read this one. And no one reads the other, and damn well they shouldn't. that other blog details other things, if i'm having a hard time I write in it, like i did after i broke up with steve, but that's really about it.
Its like i'm ashamed of my feelings, feelings i don't even understand myself. I had a bad day on thursday, i don't know if u can tell from the last blog, but i was not in a good mood. That morning i had a hissy fit in the car at my dad..fuck he's annoying. so i was in a bad mood for the rest of the day after that. But it just progressed into something else, all i wanted to do was cry, every moment i was alone, my eyes just welled up. I just felt so upset with everything, so hopeless. I guess it was stupid, but thats how i felt. I felt so heavy, i guess with emotions, that day had been strange. The film we watched in cinema was so emotional, fantastic, but it was just so much to take in.
I've finished all my work now for uni, so i'm v.happy. That stupid essay for cinema i handed in on friday, friday was a good day, my mum took me to uni and then we went to arnolds and to the pines and shit. Still don't know wtf to get my bro for his b'day.
we wanna get him an ipod. but i dunno...he's such a fusssy annoying lil shit to buy for. honestly, if we get him anything he'll go "Ohhh but i wanteeed something BETTER". stupid. As my mother always says, never look a gift horse in the mouth.

life is always ruined by a member of the opposite sex.
I was reading mark's last blog, and it struck a chord with me. While his first para was about his movie-esq like moment, his second reminded me of something i'd only gone through 30 minutes ago.
Its weird how you can be surrounded by people and still be alone. Still have that sense of or idea that you want to be with someone, any one at all just so it'll all stop. Mark's problem is a little different to mine i guess, but i understand where he's coming from. I watched the film 'the hours' yesterday, and the idea of what is happiness, the beginning of happiness IS happiness, it doesn't begin, it is that moment. Im thinking about the themes of that film now, which now makes me think about my happiness, or lack of happiness. When was I ever truly happy? You can fake happiness, its easy. Every body is does it. "happiness is a warm gun" -who said that? i can't remember. So if that was someone's definition of happiness, then what should mine be?
I had an interesting discussion today about life, and the little things that we dwell on. One day all these problems that i'm facing now will seem trivial and irrelevant. I'll probably laugh at them. And at others facing what I did once, lol, i laugh at other people's misfortunes and i'm sure someone is laughing at mine.
Angst is a strange thing. We need it to feel numb, we need it to remind us that life sucks, that everything around us is wrong, that we are wrong. reminds me of consumerism. (more like advertising actually). But that's stupid. Because life isn't boring, or stupid or wrong. Life is what it is, and today when i was sitting inside at pings, by the window reading, the sun shined in and everything for a moment seemed better than ok. if only for a moment.

So right now i'm gonna leave. and walk to my next class. because i have to keep going, because eventually, everything won't be so bad.

(and on a bitchy note: THIS KEYBOARD SUCKS. fuck latrobe can't afford a new keyboard that works? fuck!)