I don't want to make any mistakes.

I've figured out exactly why I've been so scared by relationships and the like. I'm a perfectionist in that sense, I like things to go as planned. I like things to be perfect, just the way I invision them. Most of the time, nothing goes right. That's probably why I hate myself 95 percent of the time. Kinda sad though, this is my life, running scared every time someone says they like me, or want more from me. I only want friendship most of the time. I've always believed that friends are more important than boyfriends. That i'd never let a guy come between me and my friends. And as yet, i can say I haven't. Loyalty to friends is more important than chasing after some guy.

I think i'm old fashioned, in my ideas about love and romance. But then again, maybe not. I had a dream the other night, involving the hots boys from 'queer as folk'. now not going into complete detail, but the main idea of that dream was that, someone liked me, and was trying to prove that they were worth my time, worth my friendship, proving to me that it was worth it to take a chance, to risk something. If its fear that's keeping me single, then i want to get over it now.

But the truth about romance, is that there is no such thing. Everything I've read, every film i've seen. Its just not right, its never the same. I think I'm still holding onto my teenage fantasy ideals about what love is, the way people go about romance and love. I loved reading all that, pride and prejudice is a personal classic. Can a girl still find love in her early twenties with a rich, handsome young man? There are no Mr. Darcy's of this world. And while I think having a relationship might be fun or a living hell (i opt for the latter) I still don't know if thats for me or if that is what I really want from another person. I haven't had a serious crush on any one since, 2001, when i was in year 12 and it was the worst thing for me to do, was to have a crush on someone. I've always gone from one crush to the next, from one obsession to the next. And now, i kinda don't have that anymore. When i was young, in kindergarden i had a crush on a boy there, so i kissed another guy on the cheek to make him jealous. didn't really work. Then early primary school I thought that New Kids on the Block were the cutest damn boy band I've ever seen (ever known at the time). Jordan Knight was my god. Then primary school, i had crushes on a number of boys, there was andrew french, ryan, kieran (i sat next to him in grade four, and he mostly talked about sport, but he was nice), then high school rolled around and by year eight I had fallen again into a deep obsession involving all three of the Hanson boys. Taylor was my god for about two and a half years. Then there was the bakery boy, james, tom and carlos then back to tom for two weeks. There, total listing of my crushes throughout highschool. after highschool doesn't count. I may have left a couple out, who knows, but if my own history is this easy to plot out, then i reckon i could predict the rest of my life. I bet it'd go something like, finished university, tried to make it in the real world and failed, and lives till the old age of 91 in a small house with lots of cats.

I almost scared myself this week, while riding the bus to university, it occured to me, that i would be 19 this year. And next year i would turn 20. I swear my heart stopped for a full five seconds. I was overcome with shock, i didn't expect to be so old so soon. The future is ahead of me, and what ever lies ahead, i don't think i want it. Youth is fleeting, and now, youth is becoming my enemy. I guess from here on now..all i have is time. -sigh- boring.

listening material:
Aztek trip - Opportunity
Boomkat - Wasting my time
Taking back Sunday - Your own disaster
The starting line - The best of me
Ultimate Fakebook - forever, forever
Something Corporate - you're gone