Its funny how happy I am now knowing that this time next week i'll be home in melbourne. No I don't have a job, but we'll see where life takes me for the time being. But just knowing that i'll be home soon makes muswellbrook seem not so bad. So this week will be really busy for me, but positive. I want to leave muswellbrook on a positive note.

I think these 6 months here have really made a difference - I love being independent, although i think having jules here has made it easier for me. I mean i've had someone to look out for me and pull me into line. I think I've improved alot announcing and production wise. I'm being more careful with work, although this week i know i've got alot of work to do but i'm getting lazy. My announcing tonight is terrible, i wouldn't want to use any of tonight in a demo.

hmmmmmm....im excited to be going home. And ya know what, im not worried. Things always have a way of working out and in the end i'll get to where i want to be.

its been awhile since i've posted here.
I've taken more of an interest in writing on the blog i've got going on myspace.
myspace.com/onlyclouds - its very current. Has alot of stuff about me, what i've been doing recently.

I've resigned from my powerfm job - just had enough of it and there are some other things i want to try out and give a go. So right now i'm scared of whats going to happen, but I know that everything will work out fine. As Jim said to me yesterday, Things just have a way of working out.

never say never

Well I never thought i'd get this far into my day and just want to die of boredom. I'm tired, I can feel a headache developing and i have to speak on the wireless in 24 seconds.

Okay crisis over.

Well i got very fired up last night, probably about nothing. I just feel so helpless from this far away - and i hate to say it, but I do feel left out. I don't think I should be left off - or out of something just because i am not there...that and i feel like my opinions and thoughts on some topics will be ignored. I put hard work into everything I've been doing lately and all I want is some acknowledgement for my efforts. Then again, what does everyone want most of all? To be acknowledged, praised, adored and accepted. thats what i want. except the accepted part although Julie thinks that i'm obsessed about other's opinions of me because I am obsessed by clothing brands and trends. I agree with her to a point - but its not one of the things i think of when im getting dressed in the morning.


listen:

Nelly furtado - promiscuous
gnarls barkley - crazy
rouge traders - we're coming home

I have plans, and i have no plans to stay here any longer than i need to. I've been taking advice from people left and right - and everyone has an opinion. I tell people that im planning on leaving in a couple of months - i think they don't realise that i've been here for 3 months already busting my ass for people who don't give a shit. I know for a fact that no one will give u a pat on the back - No one will praise you or thank you for giving up 5 weeks of your life to cover their arses.

Everyone i've spoken to are like...Ohhhh should u really be doing that? They don't exactly agree with how i'm thinking. No one wants me to make a mistake, no one wants me to give up and leave. But then again, no one but me knows what i want. Alot of people understand how hard it is to be away from home - no one knows how much i miss home. I cried for the first month I was here. I cried every single day. morning and night. I cried on the phone to my family, i cried on the phone to my friends. i cried on the phone to cookie for so many nights. A few times a week here i find myself crying or teary eyed.

So whats better? stay in a town I hate, live 15 hours away from friends and family. You know, i don't know what I want. For a career, i have no idea what i want to do. BUT i do know where i want to be. I've never felt more at home than i have with cookie. and it sounds weird coming from me but i know that i want to be based in melbourne. no matter what, thats where i want to be and live. Maybe not forever - home is wherever cookie is, i think i'd be okay living almost anywhere as long as he was with me. BUT seriously - whatever happens next i know for a fact cookie and i will be together..and that makes the next few months seem alot less harder to deal with.

Do you know what I feel? Do you know how I feel?
Well if you were me, if you were in my position - if you gave up one of the best things in your life - you'd feel like I do right now. You'd feel like you just had the wind knocked out of you. You'd feel like you had just been slapped in the face. You've been replaced. She's better than you. But you always knew that you didn't have the talent to be great at it. But you wanted it anyway. You jumped at the first opportunity. You scrambled at it - you didn't think. You never think. Your pathetic. And now you want it back? And now your jealous, but you always knew you would be. You always knew you'd have a hard time accepting and dealing with the idea. Change is not something you respond to well - especially if it was forced. So there goes your chance. You closed your eyes for a moment, you got caught up in the career you thought you wanted. You forgot your dreams and your aspirations. And so here you are, hating every moment of it wishing you could go back to the way things used to be. Silly girl. Everything has changed. Your a fool to think you could walk back in. But you know that, you know it all too well. And you know that you would have been driven crazy by it all. But you hate what you have, but don't we always want what we can't have.

i think i've hit a new low - crying at work for like the tenth million time. Usually its Jules who can make me break down in tears at work. Im seriously, not this emotional. I've never been an emotional person like this - everyone has their moments but this is getting ridiculous. Im just tired of the pressure, of not living up to others expectations. Im still learning, i'm still making mistakes, no one is perfect and i am far from it. I had hoped that i would have grown out of this by now, that the homesickness would have stopped, that I would have settled. I still don't consider this my home at all. I know im not ready to move on, but i'd rather be anywhere but here right now. I think there are some things i enjoy alot, and some things that i hate. And im figuring out what i hate pretty damn quickly. I think i might focus on going in a different direction, or at least figure out what i want to do.

I think some people think i complain too much.
I know that when I feel like i've been hard done by, or when I feel upset - im gonna want to vent. If im upset by something - its too hard to bottle it in. I've done that before and its never made me feel better. Its only ever upset me more, made me more angry than if i'd had just let it all out in the first place. Im really trying to keep it together - and yeah I might react to some things wrong. But when someone is one thing to ur face, and something completely different behind ur back, there is only so much crap you can take. And i've had my fill. I'm not gonna defend myself - no need to do. I don't need to justify how i feel to anyone. If you don't get it, then you don't get it. Simple. No matter how much i might try to make u see my point of view, you just won't. I like to be right. I don't like it when someone hurts my ego. no one does. but i won't take someone else's shit lying down anymore. I find it funny when someone can't define or pick on simple moment when i've done them wrong. Some people i can pick heaps of moments and incidents. its unbelievable what i can remember about some people. I can pick one moment when i was pissed - or when i was happy. Thats how i remember things. i guess im not as numb as i used to think.

OMG how boring is the band U2.

Original of the Species is the most boring fucking song on radio at the moment.

Right now i love

All american rejects - dirty lil secret
Yellowcard - lights and sounds
dead day sun - still
End of fashion - shes love
arctic monkeys - i bet you look good on the dancefloor

work is good. i'll be flat out tomorrow. so yeah. pro-tools is loving me sick. haha.

oh no look what you've done

myspace.com/onlyclouds

wrote a massive blog there last nite while doing my on-air gig.

Im not in the best of moods this week. it's only tuesday and i feel like the walking dead. Looked at a nice place today...Julie is worried about moving. I've told her about my three month plan. She doesn't want to get into anything if i'm just going to leave after 3 months. which is fair, wouldn't want to stick JR and Julie with three months extra rent to pay. If i could find someone else to move in that would be fine, but i guess in the worst case scenario i'd pay the extra three months rent. 6 months would probably be the longest i'd want to stay, i think if i could settle somewhere i'd change my mind about staying here for longer than 2 months. We'll see. I don't want to stay here for ages, but this house we saw today was reaaallly nice. I'd be interested in moving there right away. I think it would be good for all 3 0f us. anyway. gotta talk on air in 3 minutes.

updated


new layout...well not really new. Just for this blog which has been the same for what..two years now. while my last layout was nice, it was just shitting me to tears. so no more of that. here's the new one. still has a tagboard, and its basic and pink. i was gonna use a layout i found at blogskins which is based on artwork from the exploding dog website...it was cute but a few things annoyed me about it - so i thought fuck it..just go with a blogger template.

its official, i am leaving on the 30th of January at 8.30 in the morning...im flying up to Newcastle and then my PD (my boss) is picking me up and we'll go straight to Muswellbrook from there. Im not quite with it all yet...it feels surreal...but oh well, it'll be real enough once im on the plane.

cold tea

john tedja deat carl a. finlow - alone with you
utada hikaru - passion ~*after the battle*~
my chemical romance - helena
cut copy - future
l'arc en ciel - all year round and falling in love

WELL

I got a job. again it's all happening so quickly but at least i have time to prepare myself for it, unlike the Goulburn job where i just packed up quickly and left within a week. This time i won't be leaving I think till the 30th so thats good. gives me time to work stuff out.

So i'm leaving the band nancythompson...which is killing me to do. honestly...i have to take this job because in the long run i think it'll be the best thing for me. and while i love being in the band and wish i could do more and play more gigs...i have to take this job. I've landed this job so quickly...it was unexpected but hey, thats radio. So I'm moving to NSW to Muswellbrook...which is about an hour and a half from Newcastle...and apparently its really hot up there at the momement. But im excited about it. My own hot 30 show...i'll be doing production stuff...its exciting. the move will be hard but u know..if it works out it'll be worth it. If it doesn't then i'll come back. I might start blogging more often again...and i think it'll change the layout to something simpler...its been the same for awhile.