I know I wrote before, but I haven't been completely honest. Everything is not fine. In fact I have spent the whole day depressed and angry and sad at myself. I know I seem like the happy hyperactive person - when actually i'm a sarcastic and bitter person. Or if you want to know the truth, i'm not all that. I don't know what I am, i just don't feel like me anymore and its going beyond what i used to know about myself. After sunday night, the thoughts and issues that have been plaguing my mind for the past couple of weeks have finally reached their peak, causing me to remain in a constant low. Lonliness is the thing i've always hated, but i've always been alone. Somehow its become a second nature to me. Because when i was younger I knew what it was like to be by myself. But recently lonliness has been creeping back into my life. OK..the main gist of it is..I know who my real friends are. And i know when i'm not welcomed..or liked as much. I know when people don't say Hi..or avoid my eye contact. I know what awkward situations are like and I know that people like to make things so damned complicated when they don't have to be.
And seeing my friends - hey i know what peer pressure is like - especially when ur two best friends have boyfriends..and you don't. I wish things were different, that i was a social butterfly, that people could instantly like me. But its not like that. I'm not like that.
Yes, i wish i had a guy - someone i could talk to, mess with. Just someone that i know would actually want me and like me. The whole Chris thing..it happened because I let it..and i wanted it to. And I wish i got more out of it instead of the over-confidence and the one night party pash. As lisa told me..there has to be something more than to just be attracted to a person. I guess i've stopped thinking that there's someone out there i'm supposed to meet. Maybe Fate is really a bitch. That if fate wanted it - i wouldn't be feeling like this right now..but no. Fate has decided that i must wait. Maybe i've made the wrong choices in life - i've said no to the wrong people..and let myself fall for others who would never give me the chance to say yes. omg i'm a dick. I need someone like me..who's not afraid to speak their mind. Someone who will challenge my opinions. oR maybe someone the exact opposite to me.
yeah..someone like that. Or maybe just someone who can put up with me...oh god. I'll never find someone like that.