Im tired. my arms are sore. my feet are sore. my eyes are sleepy. My head is headachey. And people suck. I just read someone's blog and it made me wanna slap someone. And i read alot of blogs - cos other people's lives are just more interesting than my own. I decided the other day that i would write things in this blog which mean something more and something more profound than just what i did and didn't do today.

But whatever i say your all gonna judge me anyway. You will all criticise me for my bad spelling, my incorrect truths, indecisive-ness, for my ignorance and fucked up point of view. Why i do things, no matter how stupid, usually have some sort of reasoning behind it. Ok. thats not true and i knew it, but still wrote it. See i even try lying to myself somtimes. doesn't really work.

Tell me, who in this world knows what they want? What they really want. Not some half-baked idea of what they think would be nice or would like to have. Who has everything they want, is anyone truly happy? And how can someone live with their decisions - even the bad ones.
I wish i had some idea why i'm never happy, why i can't be happy. Why i have to turn everything into some dramatic tragedy.
I wish i had back what I lost. And i think im looking for that again, for a feeling. For all that time and energy i spent when i was younger being in love with idols. And now im not prepared, now im just making it up as i go and fucking it up every step of the way.
And i can't stand it. I hate myself more than anyone will know because of this, because i won't let myself fall into a trap, because i don't want to play the game but secretly want to.
I used to know what i wanted. I had it all figured out. I never really thought about relationships, boys were just something to look at. But maybe now i see that i want something more, i want someone. But right now isn't the time. I just disappointed myself with Jon, i just couldn't see him as something more than as a friend.
Everyone thinks im so fucking careless, indecisive, and fucking clueless to what i want. And yeah, maybe i am alittle. I do act like its all no big deal, and i can't believe im writing this all down, but really for me, it is a big deal or it will be some time in the future. I don't think about it much because i really don't want to, But i've always imagined myself finding the right person, but considering the traditional values of marriage etc, the idea of staying with the same person for my whole life is kinda daunting and sounds boring, but i guess if i find that someone i want to spend my life with then im sure i'll think differently about it.
Im not looking for That someone now though, im just looking for something. What that is i don't know yet, but i hope i'll know it when i find it.

i feel dizzy now. like im about to fall of this chair.