nothing can bring me down...except one thing

The road to sanity has not been an easy one these last few days - in fact all my insecurities are starting to surface, I can feel the cracks already appear in my self-confidence. What I want and what I have are becoming two very different things. I was set on something - and then stupidly I agree to listen to things and people who tell me what I already know but all too late. And I don't want this "what if" question hanging over my head. Because it was there last night. I could feel the seriousness of what he was trying to tell me, even if i told him it didn't matter - it did to him. Even when i said i didn't care, he took the hint but still wanted to tell me everything that he was feeling and thinking. He was sorry for what he'd said thursday to me, but also that he realised then that I actually meant something...not alot..but I was someone he liked and it took his blutness to realise that. After so much abusive language in the car driving home last nite, i got over it. I'll think what I want to, I'll be friends with him, but I can't do more than that.


I know what I want now - I feel it so much. And it's driving me crazy. I wonder if he's out there thinking of me - if he's going crazy too ...lol i guess the cat is out of the bag now....but i feel very very lucky to have found something or someone as sweet as him. I don't deserve anything good right now, but i hope i don't mess this up. knowing me i'll mess it up and sabotage it in some way. My insecurities are already playing up - and all these scenario's are playing in my head like some bad melodrama. But i just think that if i think of the worst now - it won't come true. So I'm hoping for the best - that I don't run and hide and that maybe if i just go with the flow i'll be okay.