ON the 7th of March was the day my dog died. Thinking about it now - it was so surreal then. We made a decision which ended the life of our beloved pet. Everytime I look outside I keep thinking she'll be there...but she's not. When I walked up the steps to the house, I waited to hear her barking at me - but i heard nothing. I saw the back gate wide open and the first thought that jumped into my head was "She'll escape!" then I remembered that it didn't matter anymore. Its starting to sink in now...I'm waiting for it to get easier. I have to remind myself that it was our decision - and we have to live with it. But I don't want to...I just wish it was all so different. It could have turned out better for her.

I try to keep myself busy...but its hard. I'm reminded of it all the time - especially when i'm at home. Its all my mum talks about to me - its like she's trying to justify her decision to her self and to me...She had second thoughts, but its too late now. There was never a guarantee that it would work out..when so many things went wrong. She was only 7 years old. I'm making it worse for myself now by writing here. But the thing I have to understand is why. Why her? why did she have all the problems? But there are no answers, only theories and assumptions. One thing everyone keeps thinking is 'This shouldn't have happened'. Maybe I'd be better off now if i didn't watch...if i had missed the whole event like my sister did - "Where's Briggetta?" she said as the vet drove down our drive way with our dog lying in the trunk of his car. "Where do you think?" I spat at her through my tears - "She's gone". I was pissed. It was an important thing and she wasn't there to say goodbye. But aubrey doesn't reall care about the pets that much...she does, but only when it suits her. But that's how she is. Its better though I must admit...talking to people about this. Lisa and Tremain have been a big help to me through this...they both listened to my sobbing over the phone..they didn't have to, but they did. And James has been understanding...he let me skip bandpractise (not like i need his permission). And that shot of makers mark that i had...helped in a weird burning/warm way. I feel like calling one of them now...like...hearing someone else's voice will calm me...comfort i guess is what i'm looking for.

Anyway. I just got a call from mark S...me, lis and him are going to see a movieeee....my headache is almost gone...and i've just cried..Again. great...now i'm gonna have a red face. I'd better pretty myself up now.