I feel like what im doing isn't worth it anymore - because people who i respected don't respect me enough to tell me to my face what i'm doing wrong. Instead they choose to talk behind my back, make plans to replace me - tell others that my backing vocals aren't working out - that i don't know this, and i won't do this and that. I don't feel like i'm being heard - and i feel like i've just been gutted from the inside out because these people care enough about the band to be good - but don't care enough to tell speak to me. I don't feel like i'm part of the band - because well...im not. I'm just there and do what i'm told. The only one i speak to is james but his attitude of late has been giving me the shits and i have no allies in the band whatsoever. cookie doesn't count cos he's not in the band - he's just always there. But even so, last nite was between me and james and the others could have spoken up - told me to stop being stupid and given me their opinion - but they didn't. and quite clearly it shows that i've got nowhere to go. I want to give this band my full commitment - but i honestly don't know whats going to happen. I've been learning the songs - and i now have to go out and buy some head phones cos none of mine fit into the bass synth. So im waiting for my dad to get back with the car so i can head down to JB or somewhere and get sum. might msg cookie about the keyboard stand. Thinking of borrowing one for the gig - but i might end up having to pick one up this weekend reguardless. Everything costs money, and i have a limited supply. James forgets that i hardly work at myer cos im a casual - he forgets that i can't save, not because i spend it all - but i don't earn enough to save with all my costs of mobile bills, and public transport costs, (which is quite alot even on concession cos i have to travel zones 1,2,3 almost everyday during uni), uni stuff like books, minidiscs for class and cds. He thinks only of what he wants to happen and after last night he gave off the impression that he didn't even want to help me out. I mean where am i gonna find a stand for a a fricken two octave keyboard ..it's a fucking midget of a keyboard..it'll probably fall off the stand when i'm playing it anyway..i'll have to buy some blue tack also...
I don't blame deniz for questioning my commitment to the band - even im not that sure. I know i want to be in it, but everything is so up in the air and with uni...i want to stay in melbourne, heck i'd love to stay in victoria - but the point of my course is to get a job and that could mean moving well away from here. And while the thought scares me, i have to do it - but i'm also excited about it. But i guess i could also be getting ahead of myself - i may not actually get a job at all....but i want to think positive. About all aspects and honestly - if i didn't want to be in the band i wouldn't turn up every week. I just wish they'd ALL talk to me about it...because im sick of hearing everything from james.