"Goodbye To You"

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

- One of my favourite songs ever. And today I was able to think about the song in a different way. I realised that, it doesn't have to all be sad to lonely when things (or ppl) go awry. Situations in life can motivate you. Like at the moment, I'm having a huge wake up call. And i've realised, that i've been stupid and silly about everything I've ever done. Last nite was a mistake. I had fun..i guess. before the barfing, after the dizzy double vision thing finished. Considering I couldn't even walk straight, and today I'm still feeling the after effects of it. Of course when i wokr up this morning, and my left eye was stinging - I remembered that some shmuck(andrew) squeezed lemon in my eye. I remember the evil feelings of alchol swirling around my insides then wanting to be brought up. I still feel guilty about the rug.
And I feel guilty about everything i said last nite. Because i know if she caught wind of any of it - i'm dropped as a friend forever. But i didn't bitch. It wasn't bitching. It was telling it like it is. I don't want trouble. I just needed to vent - and alchol gave me that release even if it was short lived. Of course, if anyone wants to know my true feelings, please try and live like me for a few days, see how i see things, try and feel the hurt, rejections and uslessness from my P.O.V.
But I see now, i know my limit. When i start seeing double, that's the time to stop. When i can't walk straight anymore..thats the time to stop. when all i do is fall and hurt my knees(i have a huge bruise on my right knee) that is when alchol is enough.
No more shots. well..not more than five.

"Tomorrow"

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Ya I try to believe you,
But I don't

When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just don't

Gimme a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, and I know I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Yeah I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

Tomorrow it may change

p.s there is a point to my cuting and pasting (&editing) of these song lyrics. i have used them time and time again(papa roach) in my blogs, but today they seemed poigant, and in some way might be able to explain a little about how i feel right this moment. *muah*