Last nite on the train to Frankston:

26/3/05

I haven't felt this way in so long. please don't let me down, please don't let me down.
Whatever happens tonight happens, whatever I wish for will and won't come true. but I don't care, just please don't take this feeling away from me.
It's been too long since I've been this excited. It's been forever since I've felt this way for someone. I don't even know if this is real, but I don't care because its the feeling I've been looking for. I've searched so many places, I thought I had found it again, but I was mistaken. Now it's here again, the same familiar feeling from long ago. It's knocking at my door waiting for me to open up.
Whatever happens, happens.
Whatever will be, will be.
No forcing, no changing.

27/3/05

we got alot of time and it sure feels right:
The juliana theory - top of the world
dashboard confessional - hands down
david franj - oxygen
howie day - collide
steven speaks - passenger seat
ben lee - get gotten & into the dark

I'm so happy I think I'm gonna pass out!

Nah I won't. But I couldn't sleep last nite at all - I could only think of him and how close he was to me. I couldn't focus, I couldn't breathe half the night because my heart was racing. I knew I wanted him and I had him - But I still wanted his arms around me the whole nite. He was just so sweet and last night was all him. I swear I didn't do anything but turn up - and to think that if I hadn't turned up I wouldn't be this happy today. All that effort was worth it and I can feel it. I get these feelings in my stomach like butterflies - and I know that it's right. I just don't want this feeling to leave me ever again. I'm on top of the world - nothing can bring me down....

It's funny how quickly I can change my mind about someone. Its also funny how utterly terrible one person can make me feel in the time of 30 seconds. It also just shows how sensitive I can be sometimes. I can injure someone else with my words - and then they throw it back at me and I can't take it. It's true, I do contradict myself. But fuck it. I don't care. I still know what I mean and I still know what I feel. That's the only thing that's real for me. I get to this stage where I don't know who to trust and I know that some feelings I shouldn't act upon because I'll hurt someone else. So I don't do anything about anything - and then suddenly I'm so bad because I actually DIDN'T do anything. Maybe I should say what I feel more clearly. Maybe I should respect other's feelings more - I think I do, as much as I can. But I'm unsure now of some people and their reactions and assumptions. I think some people assume too much of me. And I think that's what I dislike - the assuming. I wish I could be me all the time, but I can't. I wish I could trust everyone - but I can't. Right now, I think I've realised how fucked up some people are and that they are dragging me down into their own confusion and fucked-up-ness. Didn't I say I didn't need that. Didn't I think that. Didn't I avoid that? why is it so easy to revert back to old feelings? When things were less complicated. But decisions I made I won't break. Anyway, you don't go out with your friends. You can't always go back after that. but sometimes you can. And there's always hope in that. I cling to hope sometimes. That's what I'm doing now. I'm wishing and hoping that everything will work out. That what's meant to be will be and all that stuff. I'm not so lost after all eh?

stem - shiina ring "the real is but a dream"
l0w - kelly clarkson "they look at me with sad eyes, well I don't want their sympathy"
gamble everything for love - ben lee "love me with an open heart, tell me anything"
forget myself - third eye blind "who am I we both don't know/ time ticks by, where did you go?"

meanwhile james is sick from the pizza hut food. THAT'S why vegeterians shouldn't eat meat on a fricken religious holiday!

Sydonia - Life in a cup
Queens of the stone age - no one knows
Ben lee - catch my disease

I've never been this confused about anything. But I'm also never very definate with my feelings either. So maybe this is just a temporary situation and I'll go back to normal soon...I hope so.
I think I like the idea of someone right now more than I like them. And I think if I acted on every crush I had on someone, then i'd end up nowhere without any real idea of what I'm looking for. I think I know what I want. It just gets mixed up - with my thoughts and ideas. Do I want something real? Something that lasts? or something superficial and nasty?
Nasty is such a nasty word. Do I want to go against the norm for myself? Should I chase or be chased? I think alot, about what it could be like with someone - but nothing ever comes of it. And I think that this is probably one of those times. but we'll see ;) who knows, i'm just going with the flow and wherever it takes me I guess i'l have to wait and see.

My birthday preprations are getting worse - I need to rethink and re-evaluate how much I actually want to spend on alcamhole. haha

There are some people in this world that are just not meant to get along. Ever.
And I think I found of those people that I will never ever get along with. And another thing I've realised is that I just don't care. Well my weekend has been busy, full of 21st birthdays (Nat's and Klein's) and i've been working at myer all weekend. Which has made it interesting. but i've been lacking a decent night's sleep. Oh well i'll catch up during the week ;)

Well yesterday was a very interesting day and I'll tell you why.

First off I made plans to go to St Kilda with lisa in the afternoon. There was a festival happening in the botanical gardens there and lots of world music and market type happenings. But before I could go to that I had to take my sister to my Grandma's house and help her out filming a 3 minute film. So I happened to drive that day, because my mum was too slow and if i was gonna go out later we had to get aubrey's stuff out of the way first. So driving to Bulleen started off well.

At first I was like "Oh fuck..i have to go through that bloody round about" those of you will know this roundabout as the one that has a HUGE green thing in the middle of it...and I honestly hate going through this roundabout. But oddly enough i get through fine - and i remember even asking my sister "was i in the right lane?" and she was like, "Yep, ur fine".

So things were dandy - i got over the hard part of our journey. BUt alas, don't count ur chickens until the hatch. As I was driving along the road towards the templestowe shops (there was a festival on there too) - i noticed a car up ahead that was waiting to turn onto the road. I didn't think anything of it - UNTIL the fricken woman at the wheel of that car decided to not give way to me! SO I break, she breaks and both cars just skim the sides of each other. It was kinda like a screetching sound...it reminded me of finger nails on a black board. So I quickly pull over. And I'm cursing absusive language..and i'm pulled over and I'm thinking "shit what do i do next" so my sister gets out of the car, cos it happened on her side of the car and she's checking out the damage while the fricken woman who didn't give way to me starts driving off! I WAS LIKE..OMG! and then she was gone...i didn't get her number plate or anything. So we drove to grandma's i called my parents - my dad went fricken crazy over the phone and my plans for the afternoon were ruined.

BUt my day was saved by lisa, mark and carlos - they picked me up and we went to the beach and then had chinese for dinner. It was great :) although next time i think we'll all think twice b4 throwing shells and rocks at seagulls. that kinda put us all into a sombre mood.

Today though i went to uni - spent three hours sitting and talking about advertising on radio. It was good! i'm loving my course so far. its just getting better every week i think. Okay.well dinner is ready and i'm starved. BA-HA-HI!

Hear it on the stereo:
TKO - Le Tigre
Gamble everything for love - Ben Lee

modeling @ justin's 21st

Justin thought that this picture needed to be here. lol..So I thought I'd share it. It's a pic of me and tom..I'm kinda..losing focus and he's doing the I'm-so-hot-and-i'm-an-asshole thing. He does that well. There's another picture of us doing that..well of tom doing that. Ahh the camera loves him. I found out that night that i've been blacklisted by his girlfriend though - which is odd..cos i always thought jo was a lovely person and to find out that i'm hated by her...didn't sit well with me that night. Its not like i'm a threat..oh no..i wouldn't want to go there with tom, especially not after i realised what an ASSHOLE he is all those years ago - that would be 3 years ago...i think. well it was a long time ago..most of which i've forgotten.
But yeah..so this was just one of many pics taken from justin's new website. if i can find the link i'll post it so you can all go have a looksie at his pictures..cos there are alot. And most of them are of justin's friend ian...lol..Justin commented on the lack of me in those pictures...well my legs and shoes appear in a few pics...you can tell..cos i stand funny, as lisa noticed the other nite :) Yeah

on friday nite we went to the greyhound hotel - lisa and mark s came along...we met james, bonnie and her friend cathy. We saw SYDONIA and they were awwwwwesome..especially that song 'pain and suffering' omg ammmmazing. the band that followed them were just...not as impressive as them..in fact they were a huge let down compared to sydonia..unfortunately...then there was this guy call zig zag and his freashow...which involved him setting his head on fire (thanks to lynx deoderant), eating a light bulb and walking on a bed of glass...in fact he was on the glass for awhile. it was crazy, shocking , and some of it was disturbing but no one could take their eyes off it...and everyone was in pjamas which was weird.

hear me out: Al green - let's stay together
chingy - jackpot
basement jaxx - jus one kiss
timbaland & magoo - up jumps the boogie (feat. aaliyah and missy elliot)

ON the 7th of March was the day my dog died. Thinking about it now - it was so surreal then. We made a decision which ended the life of our beloved pet. Everytime I look outside I keep thinking she'll be there...but she's not. When I walked up the steps to the house, I waited to hear her barking at me - but i heard nothing. I saw the back gate wide open and the first thought that jumped into my head was "She'll escape!" then I remembered that it didn't matter anymore. Its starting to sink in now...I'm waiting for it to get easier. I have to remind myself that it was our decision - and we have to live with it. But I don't want to...I just wish it was all so different. It could have turned out better for her.

I try to keep myself busy...but its hard. I'm reminded of it all the time - especially when i'm at home. Its all my mum talks about to me - its like she's trying to justify her decision to her self and to me...She had second thoughts, but its too late now. There was never a guarantee that it would work out..when so many things went wrong. She was only 7 years old. I'm making it worse for myself now by writing here. But the thing I have to understand is why. Why her? why did she have all the problems? But there are no answers, only theories and assumptions. One thing everyone keeps thinking is 'This shouldn't have happened'. Maybe I'd be better off now if i didn't watch...if i had missed the whole event like my sister did - "Where's Briggetta?" she said as the vet drove down our drive way with our dog lying in the trunk of his car. "Where do you think?" I spat at her through my tears - "She's gone". I was pissed. It was an important thing and she wasn't there to say goodbye. But aubrey doesn't reall care about the pets that much...she does, but only when it suits her. But that's how she is. Its better though I must admit...talking to people about this. Lisa and Tremain have been a big help to me through this...they both listened to my sobbing over the phone..they didn't have to, but they did. And James has been understanding...he let me skip bandpractise (not like i need his permission). And that shot of makers mark that i had...helped in a weird burning/warm way. I feel like calling one of them now...like...hearing someone else's voice will calm me...comfort i guess is what i'm looking for.

Anyway. I just got a call from mark S...me, lis and him are going to see a movieeee....my headache is almost gone...and i've just cried..Again. great...now i'm gonna have a red face. I'd better pretty myself up now.

I don't think I can sleep tonight. I don't know if I want to - especially if it means that I have to wake up tomorrow knowing that Briggetta is not there. I sit wondering if what we did was right? If it was so humane then why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel guilty for it?
I felt like maybe we could have given her more time - but she had so much time and it was breaking us all to see her like that. Telling myself that it was the right thing to do - that maybe we could have stopped it, that we could still have her. And now I sit here wishing it could all be different - wishing that I didn't have to watch her fall into her forced sleep. I can cry all I want, but it won't change things. I can wish all I want, but whats done is done. We can't go back and change things, and now we've lost something close to us and it just feels empty and wrong without her.



"Little angel you gotta learn to fly, get up, earn your wings tonight -


Little angel just look in my eyes, get up and earn your wings tonight..."

Utada Hikaru - Kremlin Dusk

All along I was searching for my lenore
In the words of Mr Edgar Allan Poe
Now I'm sober and nevermore
Will the raven come to bother me at home
Calling you
Calling you home
You
Calling you
Calling you home

By the door you said you had to go
Couldn't help me any anymore
This I saw coming long before
So I kept on staring out the window
Calling you,
Calling you home...
You,
Calling you,
Calling you home...

I am a natural entertainer
Aren't we all holding pieces of dying ember?
I'm just trying to remember who I can call,
Who can I call?
Home,
Calling you,
Calling you...

I brought a secret propoganda
Aren't we all hiding pieces of broken ember?
I'm just trying to remember who I can call,
Who can I call?

Born in a world of opposite attraction
Is it or is it a natural deflection?
Torn by the arms in opposite directions
And is it or is it a modern mis- reaction?

Born in a world of opposite attraction
Is it or is it a natural deflection?
Torn by the arms in opposite directions
And is it or is it a modern mis- reaction?

Is it like this?
(Born in a world of opposite attraction)
Is it always the same?
When a heartache begins,
(Torn by the arms in opposite directions)
Is it like this?

Do you like this?
(Born in a world of opposite attraction)
Is it always the same?
Will you come back again?
(Torn by the arms in opposite directions)
Do you like this?

Is it always the same?
And will you come back again?
Do you like this?
Oh, do you like this?

Is it like this?
(Born in a world of opposite attraction)
Is it always the same?
(Is it or is it a natural deflection?)
(Torn by the arms in opposite directions)
If he changes my number,
(And is it or is it a modern mis- reaction?)
Will you tell me?

Is it like this?
Is it always the same?
When a heartache begins,
Is it like this?

If you like this,
Will you remember my name?
Will you come play it again,
If you like this?
Oh, do you like this?

I wanna take you up to my room - but you always have to be too soon:
travelling - utada hikaru
ska sucks - Propagandhi
across 110th street - Bobby Womack
long time woman - Pam Grier




I'm not in a good mood anymore. Maybe cos i'm tired...and pissed off with certain people. I shouldn't go out tonite - i should stay home and sleep. cos thats what i want to do right now, sleep for a very very long time.
I purchased a copy of Final Fantasy 9 today...it was at eb doncaster..and i swear that game was waiting for me. I was on the other side of the store and i just so happened to look up at the PS1 games and there it was...I rushed over to it and grabbed it off the shelf and i bought it there and then. Brand new, 49.95. i've been wanting that game for ages and everytime i seem to get close to it - it disappears. poof! and now..poof! it was there. so now im broke again..cos by the time i pay my phone bill there will be nothing left of my bank account....yay.


well im gonna go bitch some more about my brother to other people now...
cya

I think i shall survive this year afterall ;)

I had second thoughts yesterday. I was sitting in the tiny radio studio at Swinburn with 13 others and I thought to myself "What am I doing here? Why was I chosen out of so many others to be in this course?"

Honestly I don't need to do this commerical radio course - I could just find a job else where doing something - I have one BA under my belt, why do I need to do complete another course and throw myself into the deep end once again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't want to do this course - I do. I'm excited about learning more stuff - but I'm scared about being on my own again at uni and being friendless. My first year of uni wasn't spent alone, but I had a hard time coping without those who were closest to me. I know that if Jon hadn't been so nice to me I probably wouldn't have made it out of first year alive. And now i'm at a new uni and I don't know anyone and yeah I'm scared. I'm starting all over again and it's going to be hard. I'm out of my depth too - almost everyone else in the course has had way more experience than me...I mean what do I know? nothing compared to them right? BUt i'm here to learn..and get a job which is why normal people go to university.


But I'm not normal.


In fact I'm not sure if I can be classified as anything other than human. Even that word betrays our imperfections. To err is to be human or something like that right?
Well i have my second class tonight at 6pm till 9! how crazy is that! I've never had night classes before. woot anyway it should be fun squishing into the radio studio again...hmm that's where i'll be for a whole year...oh goody. good thing i don't mind small spaces.

And I think I'm starting to scare myself:
frontin' - Pharrell
damaged - TLC
right side of the bed - Atreyu
Ohio is for lovers - Hawthorn Heights
drug like - Action Action

I just found out the news about Naruto - it's been Licenced over seas, which is bad news for the fansubber addicts like me - but this news can be taken either way. Its good and band. BAD because many bit torrents will stop supplying it and it won't be subbed by as many groups now. BUt its good because it means naruto will be on TV! but bad cos it'll be in english. BUt maybe now some of the video games will come out and stuff...but it'll be in english..and terribly dubbed. Okay i'm sure VIZ and ShoPro will take good care of the series, but the series will probably get hacked up so that annoying lil brats can watch it on their morning tv shows...bloody american television - they need to learn that animation is not just for kids anymore...but i think their slowly learning that. There have been some bad mistakes made to some great anime series - lets just hope Naruto doesn't lose its orginality or it insane coolness and japaneseness - i wouldn't want this awesome anime to get lost in the translation.

BUt for now i think i'll download episode 122 and read more:
anime news network
anime suki forum


I am lonely for tonight, baby come on and hold me tight:
Colours - utada hikaru
kelly clarkson (now i think of it, its kinda a hick name) - since you've been gone
lil birdy - tonights the night
AND that new basement jaxx song...can't remember whats it called.

all i know is what i'm missing...what i'm missing is your kissing ARE YOU LISTENING?:
michelle branch - hotel paper
nelly - flap your wings
britney speeears - do sumthin'
basement jaxx - romeo
utada - tippy toe & kremlin dusk (edgar allen poe anyone?)


I've had one weird and exciting day overall. My morning started like any other - i woke up at 6.30 am and rolled over back to sleep ignoring my alarm 3 times b4 i finally forced myself out of bed - to then only walk out of my room and collapse on the couch. at 9.30 Cid came and we drove to the vic roads for my P's driving test. At first he was like - yeah your gonna pass and i was like nah uh. BUT you know what i should believe in my self alittle more because strange things do happen to a girl like me. Well i was fine b4 my test and at the start - but during the test about half way i began to lose it. I made a few mistakes while nearing the end of my route but i made it back without any instant fails or anything. I got more nervous as the test went on, and in fact the car heated up quite a bit so by the time we got to vic roads again i was like sweating and concentrating and it was scary cos i was positive i had failed after that. THEN as we were waiting inside they called me over and told me that i had PASSED! i was like, "uh could you repeat that"...not quite believing it myself i needed to hear it again. So that was it i got my photo I.D - which i must say is an improvement on my last licence but i look very scruffy in it haha. lol. BUt its over now and i'm relieved almost - i'm not quite here though, it feels surreal because i've wanted this for awhile and i finally went out and did it and passed first time so no more driving lessons - so that means no more cid - he was cool. he bought me food :)
I'm alittle freaked by the idea of driving by myself now, cos its gonna happen but but once i get over those first nerves im sure i'll be okay. BUT i can't wait to get in the car and go zoom zoom on the freeway while listening to a crazy CD - yeah i'd in one of those cars that go doof doof with the loud music,..mauahaha i can't wait.

I really want to update this blog. I want a new layout design for it and newpics and graphics and stuff. I want it to look pretty and more of a representation of my self and this blog. Cos right now while it looks aiight its not quite me 24/7. Don't get me wrong, i go for that angsty blackness and gritty graphics as much as the next angst ridden blog writer - BUT i want some colour! lol. but i have no skill in the blog skin making department so if anyone would like to volunteer their services...lol haha...other wise i'll keep scouring blog skins for something cool.

Anyway. I had the best day out on monday. I went to the city with lisa and we met up with Michelle and we went straight to Max Brenner - which is this cafe at QV - or as everyone seems to call it "The chocolate place" and i must say i was impressed. No actually, i was in love with the place. If i had had more cash on me I would have stayed there all day long eating chocolate covered things, chocolate melting things and drinking their hot chocolates. never mind that the weather was like 30+ degrees lol..too hot for such warm foods, but it was deliciously mind-blowing. SO after this we had to walk off the chocolate and what better way to do it than around in melb central chasing bubbles and shopping! lol..we walked down to like feb square also to look at the art galleries which were awesome. I got some hellow kitty underwear..woot -its an odd feeling when you know ur wearing cute underwear. Its kinda like you know its cute...but no one else knows. ALSO i purchased a new top from dangerfield and its HOT so watch out..cos i'll blind you all with my hotness when i wear it out...yeah damn straight i will.
SO after browsing the art galleries we went off in search of cheap noodles and found a vietnamese place on swanston so we got noodles and soup. After that i can't really remember what we did but we stuck around for awhile and looked at different stores and eventually made our way back to melb central.

It was a GREAT day overall. and I'm glad i went out and spent the last of my cash....now i'm broke and i didn;t get as much as i thought i would in my last pay. So i'm gonna cut my spending...although i did buy the new love hina manga - i haven't bought a dvd since...three weeks ago..so i'm okay on that front...i have enough anime to last me forever...UTENA is great btw...awesome anime, i'm glad i finally get to watch it.

here are some chords, now start a band:

midnight star - midas touch
taking back sunday - the union

JAMES IS A MUTHFUCKER! AND DESERVES TO HAVE HIS BALLS LICKED BY CAMEL IN AN OVERCOAT.

losing the battle


Well i'm back here again on a boring sunday night. Last nite was interesting forawhile...then it got weird and i hated to rest of the nite. I was so tired i slept all the way home, it was good of carlos to give me a lift home...i owe him one - even though i get the feeling he will probably never take up the offer of a free ride of from me when i get my P's...in fact i think everyone will be alittle scared to sit in a car with me at the wheel ;)

I was sick all this morning - and i'm getting sick of being sick all the time. I think something must be wrong with me because this keeps happening. Im starting to think maybe its genetic - or that i'll have the same problems my mum has been having recently. I took some drugs b4 so hopefully i'll be fine for the rest of the night...my morning was hellish and i won't go into details because it wasn't pretty...actually it was pretty tame considering other times i've been sick...maybe im getting better, but i doubt it.

myer has cut back all my shifts,...but apparently all casuals are getting like one shift a week right now. Apparently this is always a bad month in retail...my last shift was so boring...i couldn't stand it. It was so good to just get out of there and do something that involved not serving testy customers and standing up.

last nite a few of us went to alumbra - which is this cool bar,loungey bbq place out behind the exhibition buidling near crown. its amazing what people can do with a small shed. although i had issues with the bathroom..it was alittle too weird for my liking - i mean mirrors go near the sink not in the fricken cubicals...common fucking sense was lacking in that design.

anyway....i've been trying to re-write some song lyrics and work out backing vocals for some songs with da band...i think the boys are gonna sick of me - for the last three weeks now james has put a microphone in front of me and i haven't sung a fricken line of backing vocals for them. lol..their gonna lose their patience with me i think haha. nah it'll all work out eventually...eventually...im working on it.

*sigh*
i think im gonna finish this up and watch a bad 80's movie...anime wise - i have new naruto eps and episode one of bleach now....interesting stuff it all ez.

Forget what you know:
kelly clarkson - since you've been gone
utada hikaru - first love (bohemian summer concert)
jay-z linkin park - encore/numb
beastie boys - sabotage

THIS POST IS DEDICATED TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHOM HAS EVER BEEN FUCKED AROUND BY THE NATIONAL BUS CO.

I AM SICK of this. it is not summer timetable anymore - SO WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BUS!
YEAH okay so i don't have my p's yet - and even when i get my p's i won't have my own car so i'll still be forced to take melbourne's shitty excuse for public transport every day to uni and work. ANd while im thinking of making a complaint - i have made a few in the past - this time i really can't be bothered. HONESTLY. they should get their friggen act together.
anyway. i have to go and be driven to work now. THANKS FOR FUCKING NOTHING YOU STUPID FUCKING NATIONAL BUS FUCK COMPANY FUCKERS!

Stem - Shiina Ringo

There's a door here, but it will not break

There's a stone there, but it won't remain

Up there a heaven now, but it will not wait

And the lies there, the scent of it, just too much

So should you,Sow it once and make it grow, the sweet clematis

Let it flower, and paint it all of the colors bold

Instantly things fall and fade, return to silence

Why oh why, why does it all feel so sorrowful?

Dreams of what is real

There's a breath here, but it will not break

There's a face there, but it won't remain

Up there a heaven now, but it knows no name

And the stain is the color of red through red

And thus,

You cannot cry, confuse the lies, try to remember

When you rise, you take your steps with a strong desire

Time goes by, a breath it comes, like something given

Why oh why, why have these nightmares not long expired

The real is but a dream

From now on,

Should it grow and open full, the sweet clematis

Flower bold, but there's no need for rejoicing more

Precious life, this life, just once, it comes just one time

Keep it close, keep it from ever just leaving you

Crying tears confusing fears they are no longer

When I stand I know I'll never be down again

Nothing that I need now, once it comes just one time

Somehow, somehow, someone, ah

Entry Number One

I was just reading a fan fic and I've had this feeling all though it - something wasn't meshing for me. It wasn't as enjoyable to read a second time (rewritten) round and then a thought just hit me. It's not real. None of it makes sense nor do i find it believable at all. For the simple fact that this fan fic took real people and threw them into a fictional situation involving other fictional characters to work off. And it just doesn't work for me anymore. The characters are annoying now. Fan fiction is a weird thing...and it can be good or bad. And i've read alot of good - stuff that I can relate to, and right now its just unbelieveable and unrealistic. When it comes down to it, fan fics are just written by girls who idolise or want to sleep with famous rockstars or characters in a show. Im sure there is already O.C fan fiction out there about Seth and Ryan getting with the "female cast" but really its just the authors putting themselves in the lead roles. And reading about Zac Hanson - someone else's version of him - its kinda weird. I mean I've never met the guy, I'm sure he's nice...and nothing like the million different Zac's I've read about. Which is the annoying thing about fan fics - they perpetuate a myth about famous people...its all lies..and we'll never know what these people are really like in real life until we meet them. I've been over this so many times - But i'm not over it. I am in the sense i no longer have unrealistic expectation myself - but when will there be a time when we just leave it alone? i guess im experiencing what so many other extinct fan fic site authors went through awhile back...when it no longer feels right reading/making up stories about REAL people's lives.

anyway, thats all i wanted to say.